Book SummaryIt's OK That You're Not OK, by Megan Devine

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of It's OK That You're Not OK

In It’s OK That You’re Not OK, Megan Devine challenges conventional views on grief and offers a new approach to supporting those who are grieving. She argues that our culture misunderstands grief and attempts to remedy it instead of accepting it. Devine suggests that mourning is a natural and beneficial way to react to loss and that bearing witness to someone's pain involves being present and offering support without attempting to resolve it.

Devine is a...

It's OK That You're Not OK Summary The Trouble With "Curing" Grief

In this section, we will explore cultural misunderstandings of grief, problematic models in grief care, and the idea of reclaiming grief as an innate and sovereign process.

The Harmful Culture of "Fixing" Grief

Cultural Misunderstandings Concerning Grief

Devine argues that our culture misunderstands grief and attempts to remedy it instead of accepting it. We view grief as something that needs fixing, rather than respecting it. It's frequently viewed as a temporary reaction to a hard experience and expected to conclude within weeks. If grief hasn’t faded, it’s seen as evidence that something is wrong with you—that you lack resilience or skill. Sadness and pain are considered "dark emotions" that must be fixed, and failing to adhere to the phases of grieving is thought to block your recovery. When grief is mentioned positively, it’s often as a means to an end, a way to grow as a person.

(Shortform note: How did we end up with a culture that misunderstands grief and attempts to remedy it instead of accepting it? Institutions that reward relentless positivity have shaped our culture’s view of grief. For example, in the...

It's OK That You're Not OK Summary Witnessing and Offering Support

Devine explains that bearing witness to someone's pain involves being present and offering support without attempting to resolve it. Support people are meant to provide recognition and be present for people who are hurting, rather than attempting to improve things. These skills are advanced and can be challenging to put into practice. Yet they’re straightforward: Be present. Listen. Avoid trying to resolve it. We might be awkward while developing these abilities. That’s alright. People in mourning would prefer that you fumble through showing your support rather than assuredly claiming that their situation isn't as serious as it appears.

(Shortform note: Devine’s ideas about bearing witness to pain and being present for others are not new. In his 2001 book, The Gift of Therapy, psychiatrist Irvin Yalom discusses the importance of presence in the therapeutic relationship. He explains that one of the most powerful aspects of therapy is the therapist's ability to be present with the client, without trying to fix or solve their problems. This presence allows the client to feel seen and heard, which can be incredibly healing....

Shortform Exercise: Understanding the Natural Process of Grief

In our culture, grief is often seen as something to fix, but it can be a natural and personal experience. This exercise will help you explore your own or others' perspectives on grief.

Reflect on a time when you or someone you know experienced grief. How did the cultural expectation to “fix” or move past it influence your feelings or actions?