Book SummaryI Want to Trust You, but I Don't, by Lysa TerKeurst

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of I Want to Trust You, but I Don't

In I Want to Trust You, but I Don't (2024), Lysa TerKeurst explores the complexities of trust in relationships, offering guidance for those who have experienced betrayal or broken trust. She addresses the challenges of discerning whom to trust, how to rebuild trust after it's been damaged, and how to establish healthy boundaries. TerKeurst combines personal anecdotes, biblical principles, and practical advice to help readers navigate the delicate balance between forgiveness and self-protection.

TerKeurst is a New York Times best-selling author, speaker, and president of Proverbs 31 Ministries. She has...

I Want to Trust You, but I Don't Summary Understanding the Landscape of Trust & Distrust

TerKeurst thinks trust is essential for meaningful relationships. She describes it as the invisible threads that connect two people, providing balance and steadiness. Respecting these bonds makes them stronger. Trust underpins every human relationship; lacking it, you cannot have vulnerability, depth, or love. Without trust, relationships lack life and ultimately wither away.

(Shortform note: While trust is essential for the kind of life-giving relationships TerKeurst describes, some relationships can function without it. For example, transactional relationships, like those between a customer and a cashier, can work without trust because they’re based on mutual benefit and clear expectations.)

Next, TerKeurst explains the neuroscience behind trust and suspicion and how to assess trustworthiness in relationships.

The Neuroscience & Psychology of Trust & Distrust

TerKeurst highlights that trauma from betrayal can physically change the brain. Brain scans of trauma survivors show increased activity in the limbic system, the emotional center of the brain. This heightened activity can cause people to fixate on pessimistic thoughts,...

I Want to Trust You, but I Don't Summary Rebuilding Trust: Repair, Boundaries & Hope

TerKeurst argues that setting boundaries and relinquishing control can help restore trust. Boundaries protect you from further harm, while surrendering control to God can help you find peace and reduce anxiety. Attempting to manage everything is exhausting, creates chaos, and signals that you don't trust other people.

(Shortform note: In When Things Fall Apart, Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön offers a different perspective on the exhaustion and chaos of trying to control everything. She suggests that instead of surrendering control to God, we can learn to embrace the uncertainty and groundlessness of life.)

In the upcoming sub-sections, TerKeurst explains how to cultivate hope, surrender, and set boundaries while restoring trust.

Internal Foundations for Rebuilding Trust

Cultivating Hope & Surrender

TerKeurst argues that trusting God involves surrendering what you hope will happen and your strategies. Attempting to control what you can't leads to chaos, while giving up control to the One who is in control results in tranquility. The quicker you surrender to God what you don't understand, the more you'll ease...

Shortform Exercise: Understanding Neuroception and Trust

This exercise explores how our brain unconsciously assesses trust and safety in relationships. It focuses on the concept of neuroception, as discussed by Lysa TerKeurst.

Reflect on a situation where you felt safe around someone without consciously deciding to trust them. What cues or behaviors contributed to that feeling?