Book SummaryHow to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of How to Win Friends and Influence People

Have you ever struggled to get someone to like you or listen to you? You may be going about it the wrong way. In How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie explains universal principles of interacting with other people to get them to like you and have them see your way of thinking. This isn’t about manipulation—it’s about sincerely appreciating people, believing they’re important, and treating them likewise. Using Carnegie’s advice, you can learn how to become a great conversationalist without saying anything, how to make other people feel important, and how to change other people’s minds without offending them.

Carnegie (1888-1955) was an American writer and educator on topics such as self-improvement, public speaking, corporate training, and social skills. His work led to the creation of the Dale Carnegie Course in 1912, a program that teaches leadership, relationship building, stress management, and more. How to Win Friends and Influence People, originally published in 1937 and revised in 1981, is one of the best-selling books of all time. Carnegie’s other works include Lincoln the Unknown, Little Known Facts About Well Known People, and How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.

In our guide, we’ll explain Carnegie’s fundamental principles of likability and influence. Then we’ll provide guidance on how to give feedback to others, followed by how to approach disagreements. Our commentary will add research to support Carnegie’s ideas, theories from other experts, and specific tips for implementing his advice.

Principles of Likability and Influence

Carnegie outlines two essential principles that underlie his advice. Namely, he emphasizes people’s desire for importance and their investment in their own interests over yours. Using these two principles to guide your actions can help you increase your likability and influence.

People Want to Feel Important

Carnegie’s first principle is that people want to feel important. This desire drives much of human behavior. By appealing to this desire, you can influence how others feel about you—if you make them feel important, they’ll think well of you; if you diminish their sense of importance, they’ll dislike you.

(Shortform note: Some experts classify the desire for importance as a need instead of a want. In Six-Minute X-Ray, Chase Hughes lists the need for importance as one of six social needs that many people have. The other five are the need for approval, the need for acceptance, the need to be perceived as intelligent, the need to be pitied, and the need to be perceived as powerful. While Carnegie only links his advice explicitly to the desire for importance, much of what he writes about also appeals to these other needs. Like Carnegie, Hughes suggests that you can use your understanding of other people’s needs to win their favor and influence their behavior.)

People Are Mostly Interested in Themselves

According to Carnegie, the second key aspect of likability and influence is that virtually all people care more about what they want than what you want. This means you should appeal to their interests rather than focusing on your own. As you interact with others, keep asking yourself: “What is it that this person wants?”

(Shortform note: It can be difficult to appeal to others’ interests when you’re just getting to know them because conversation between new or casual acquaintances tends to be superficial and can feel awkward. However, research shows that we tend to overestimate how awkward conversations with new people will be. This may be because we underestimate how interested they’ll be in our lives. To bring more depth to conversations with new people and decrease any awkwardness, show an overt interest in their lives by going beyond small talk and asking deep, meaningful questions.)

How to Put the Principles Into Practice

Now that we know the two principles behind getting people to like you and being able to influence them, let’s discuss how to apply these ideas to different situations. First, we’ll provide tips for making people like you more, then we’ll illustrate how you can give feedback they’ll be receptive to, and finally we’ll explain how to disagree or argue with others without harming your relationships.

How to Win People Over

Carnegie provides several pieces of advice for how to earn the favor of others. First, he says, demonstrate understanding toward their emotions. For example, angry people are often angry because they feel unheard. Once you sympathize with them, they’ll soften their anger substantially.

(Shortform note: One way we naturally try to relate to others’ emotions is through emotional mirroring, when we automatically reflect other people’s emotional expressions (such as their facial expressions, tone, and body language) back to them. This can be helpful in demonstrating understanding toward their feelings, but it can also backfire, particularly when the other person is experiencing negative emotions. For example, if you’re speaking to someone who’s angry, mirroring that anger back to them can further escalate their feelings and leave you feeling stressed out. Instead, acknowledge their feelings and let them know you want to talk about them, but stay calm and collected on your part.)

Present Yourself Amiably

Carnegie also advises that you **adopt a positive demeanor when...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Shortform Introduction

For each chapter, we’ll follow a standard format:

• Principles: The main ideas
• Tactics: How to implement the principles
• Examples: Concrete examples to show the principles and tactics in action

If you’re reading this book, you probably want to change your behavior. But changing your behavior is hard. Despite reading these principles, when you’re in the thick of an argument, it’s easy to totally forget that you’re supposed to see the...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Fundamental 1: Don’t Criticize or Complain

The book starts with three general principles that underlie the other chapters. The idea that “people crave importance” is repeated the most often throughout the book, so it’s worth paying special attention to.

Principles

• People don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong they may be.
  • Remember that people are “creatures of emotion,” with their own biases and motivated by ego and pride.
• Criticizing people nearly always puts them on the defensive. They dig in their heels, rationalizing their actions as just.
  • Even Al Capone lamented that he was just helping others have a good time during Prohibition, and all he got was abuse.
  • Family members of criminals frequently go into denial, blaming the system instead of the person for the crimes.
• Criticism hurts a person’s pride and sense of importance.
• It may feel good to tell someone off, but this is usually harmful in the long term. People continue to justify their actions and condemn you for the criticism. People can harbor...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Fundamental 2: Appreciate People Sincerely

Principles

• People crave importance almost as much as they do food and air.
  • This spurs people to boast about their children, attract attention through their appearances, signal wealth by buying cars and houses, donate money to help others, have mountains and stars named after them.
  • Unhealthily, it spurs criminals to achieve notoriety, getting a place in the news alongside sports stars and presidents. It pushes people to become invalids, attracting help and pity when they don’t need it.
  • It’d be a crime to deprive people of six days of food. Yet we withhold praise for six months at a time.
• Think that every person you meet is superior to you in some way. Try...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Fundamental 3: Appeal to the Other Person’s Interests

Principles

• Say you like cheesecake. When you go fishing, you don’t string cheesecake at the end of your line. You attach what the fish wants, which is a worm.
  • Why do you treat people any differently?
  • Of course you’re interested in what you want. But no one else is. Everyone else is just like you - we all want what we want.
• The only way to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. Every person in the world knows what they want, and cares about what they get. Approach them from this direction. Appeal to their self-interest for doing anything. Arouse in them a hunger for what they want.
• The only way to get anyone to do anything is to make the other person want to do it.
• Henry Ford: “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”

Tactics

• Before you speak, pause and ask, “what can the other person get out of this?”
• Even challenge yourself to not say anything about what you want.
• Show other people relentlessly that you want to help them. *...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Likability 1: Show a genuine interest in the other person.

With the 3 major principles in place, How to Win Friends and Influence People then describes how to get people to like you.

In summary, make people feel important by being happy to see them, encouraging them to discuss their interests and passions at length, calling them by their name, and giving genuine praise for things they pride themselves on.

Principles

• Who is universally loved as friendly and approachable? A dog. They’re always excited to see you and seem like you’re the most important thing in their world.
• Showing interest in other people makes them feel important (Fundamental 2).
  • All of us like people who admire us. If we think highly of ourselves, then we appreciate people who have good taste and judgment.
• People aren’t interested in you or me. They’re interested in themselves, every day, for their entire life.
  • When you see a group photo, whose face do you look for first?
• It must be sincere.
• You make friends much...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Likability 2: Smile

Principles

• A smile says, “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.” It’s a message of good will. This is why dogs and smiling babies are so beloved. A smile makes people feel important and appreciated.
• You must have fun meeting other people if you expect them to have fun...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Likability 3: Say the Person’s Name

Principles

• A name is a person’s identity. It makes her unique among all others. Remembering it and calling a person by it makes her feel important.
• A name is one of the most important words in a person’s entire vocabulary. A person’s name to her is far more important than all the other names in the rest of the world combined.
• Saying the name is a subtle and welcome compliment. Forgetting it or misspelling it is a crippling mistake that suggests you didn’t care enough to get it right.
  • Politician maxim: “To recall a voter’s name is statesmanship. To forget it is oblivion.”
  • A...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Likability 4: Listen Well - Encourage Others to Talk

Principles

• You can be a good conversationalist merely by 1) showing genuine, undivided interest, 2) getting the other person to talk.
  • You don’t even need to talk yourself, if the other person doesn’t invite you to.
• A person’s life is the most important life to that person. A person’s headache means more to her than a famine that kills a million people. Allowing someone to talk makes that person feel important and flattered.
• If you want enemies, keep trying to one-up your friends. If you want friends, let your friends one-up you. Talking about your own accomplishments makes people feel inferior and envious.
• Often angry people just want...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Likability 5: Discuss the Other Person’s Interests

Principles

• Using an earlier analogy, why fish with cheesecake? Fish with the bait that the partner wants. People are usually far more enthusiastic about topics they care about than ones only you care about.

Tactics

• Before meeting someone, research their interests thoroughly so you have a working knowledge of the field.
• Look around for clues of their interest - keepsakes, news articles. Then have a genuine interest and ask them about it.
• **Identify someone’s major goals, then talk about how you’ll help them get closer to their goals....

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Likability 6: Make the Other Person Feel Important

This is really a repetition and recap of the other principles.

Principles

• Almost all people you meet feel superior to you in some way. Let them realize in some subtle way that you realize their importance.
• Inversely, avoid doing things that demean the other person and make them feel small or unimportant.
• For people who think highly of themselves, showing that you think they’re important suggests good taste and sense on your side.

Tactics

• Give a genuine compliment when the cost is low. “I wish I had your head of hair.”
• ...

Shortform Exercise: Get Other People to Like You

Become a more likable person by changing how you approach people.

Are you the type to want to dominate the conversation, or to ask other people to talk? If you’re the former, what could you say in your next conversation to show you’re interested in them? What could you ask to hear their point of view?

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Part 3: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

Praise is well and good, but what do you do when someone disagrees with you? That’s the next subject of How to Win Friends and Influence People. In summary:

Put aside your instinct to fight fire with fire. People don’t like to be proven wrong. They don’t like to admit they have to change their mind, no matter how right you supposedly are. They crave...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Arguments 1: Avoid a Heated Argument

Principles

• What use is telling someone she’s wrong if she didn’t invite your opinion? Is that going to make her like you? Why not let her save face?
• Telling someone that she’s wrong will make her feel inferior and hurt her pride. She will resent your triumph, no matter how factually correct you are.
• Poetic ways to put it:
  • “Here lies the body of William Jay, who died maintaining his right of way - He was right, dead right, as he sped along. But he’s just as dead as if he were wrong.”
  • Ben Franklin’s friend: “You are impossible...your friends find they enjoy themselves better when you are not around. You know so much that no man can tell you...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Arguments 2: Have a Friendly Approach

Principles

• Don’t go in guns blazing. A hostile attitude just invites reciprocal hostility. People don’t want to change their minds. They can’t be forced to agree with you. But they may be led to.
• Acknowledge the merits of the other side, and the humility of your approach.
  • “Let’s sit down and take counsel together, understanding why it is that we differ, and what the points at issue are.”
  • Convince the person that you are her sincere friend.
• Think about how to make an animal come to you. Do you chase after it, snarling? Or do you offer food?
• “A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.”

Tactics

• When you feel you have the superiority to command someone, instead approach as though the person were permitting you to give feedback.
• When asking for something, don’t complain about how unreasonable the situation is. Talk about what you appreciate so much and how the current situation will prevent you...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Arguments 3: Respect the Other’s Opinions

Principles

• When attacked for being wrong, people will turtle up and defend their opinion to the death. They will lose sight of the main point, hoping to find small exceptions when their assertion is true.
  • We form beliefs carelessly, but then develop an irrational passion when anyone threatens to divorce us from them.
• Instead, approach with an open-minded view: “I may be wrong. I often am. And if I’m wrong, I want to be corrected. Let’s review the situation.”
  • Permit yourself to understand the other person. Your first reaction is to judge. Instead, allow yourself to understand what the other person believes.
• This lowers defenses and opens the bridge to letting your partner consider how she may be wrong.
  • Strategically, this might actually switch the person’s desire from being right to who can be most humble, gracious, and open-minded. No one wants to be outdone, so you change the...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Arguments 4: If You’re Wrong, Admit It

Principles

• So many people instinctively fight for their right of way that admitting your error is disarming. Few people want to kick someone who’s already down - they may in fact jump to your defense and build you back up.
  • When a person’s importance is acknowledged, she can build her ego further only by showing mercy.
• (Shortform note: much of an argument is about making sure the other person realizes she’s wrong. This is why being defensive makes the other person angrier. If you admit you’re wrong, then the other person will start repairing.)

...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Arguments 5: Let the Other Person Talk

Principles

• Someone who disagrees with you will not pay attention to you while they are crying for their own expression. So encourage them to express their ideas fully.
  • (Shortform note: If you’ve had an argument where each person seemed to be repeating the same points over and over, it might be because she didn’t feel acknowledged.)
• Resist the temptation to interrupt the person. This is costly every time you do it. The more you let the other person talk, the more receptive they’ll be to what you have to say.
• For many, conversation is a way of organizing their thoughts. While a person may disagree with you at first, when reasoning through it herself, she may arrive at your conclusion independently.
  • People don’t want to be told what to believe. But if they work through their own logic to arrive at the same conclusion, they may ultimately agree with you.
• This is especially important for people to whom you feel tempted to lecture...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Arguments 6: See Things from the Other Point of View

Principles

• Always begin from this standpoint: if you were born in the same body as your partner, had her experiences, and saw the world through the same lens, you would by definition arrive at the same conclusions. Your challenge is thus to explore how this differs from you, not to reject her conclusion as invalid.
  • In the extreme, if you were born as Al Capone and had the same brain and experiences as Al Capone, you would also by definition do the same things as Al Capone.
  • (Shortform note: Avoid thinking, “no rational person could possibly think what my opponent is thinking.” This is the source of many irreconcilable arguments.)
• There is a reason the other person thinks and acts as she does. Discover that reason, and you have the key to influencing this person.
• ...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Arguments 7: Sympathize with the Other Person

Principles

• Any upset person feels completely justified in their anger, no matter what you believe. Few people are in the state of mind to think, “I know I’m being irrational, and my anger doesn’t make sense, but I’m going to be angry anyway.”
  • Instead, they have built it up in their mind beyond what you have assumed: “this company is a soulsucking leach and I’ve been taken advantage of. We’ve all been taken advantage of.”
• The majority of people are hungering for sympathy. Being pitied makes someone feel important, since other people are paying attention to them. Give it to them, and they will love you.
• Begin with: “I don’t blame you at all for feeling what you’ve felt. If I were in your shoes, I’d definitely feel the same way.”

Tactics

• Find the reason that they are upset, and articulate it....

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Arguments 8: Start With What You Agree On

Principles

• Every time someone says “no,” they get locked into defensiveness and the desire to be consistent. Inertia builds. It becomes harder to dislodge them. Even if they later realize they need to change their mind, their precious pride gets in the way. Admitting fault is hard for most people
• So don’t start by talking about the areas in which you differ. Start with what you agree on. Get the person saying “yes.”
• Instead of pushing your conclusion on the person, guide her toward your conclusion through a series of logical questions.
  • Start with areas of common agreement - common goals, standards of measurement. Then build on layers of understanding by asking more detailed questions.
  • This also lets the other person feel the idea is theirs, since you’re not pushing the idea on them.
  • (Shortform note: This can sound pedantic to people who realize what you’re doing. It’s better to do this in a genuine, patient tone, instead of in the tone of...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Arguments 9: Let Them Own Your Idea

Principles

• People like their own ideas better than other people’s. Coming up with their own ideas makes them feel smart and important. Executing their own ideas, instead of someone else’s, gives them agency.
  • Isn’t it a bad idea, then, to ram your ideas down someone else’s throat? Isn’t it better to let people think through to your conclusion?
• Let people take credit for your ideas. If you truly care about the outcomes, and not credit, then you will be fine with other people executing your ideas.
• Chinese philosopher Lao Tze: “Rivers receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams by staying below them. Thus they are able to reign over all mountain streams. So a wise man who wants to be above men would put himself below them. Thus, even though he is above men, they don’t feel his weight.”

Tactics

• Give people a framework for making a decision, then...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Arguments 10: Appeal to the Best Self

Principles

• All people think of themselves as fine and unselfish. They think of themselves as saviors, martyrs, missionaries. They are generally honest and want to honor their obligations. If they are not, they generally have a good reason for it.
• A person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good, and a real one. (quote from JP Morgan)
  • You do not need to articulate the real one. You don’t need to back someone into a corner and make them admit they are doing things for selfish reasons.
  • Instead, emphasize the nobler motives. Let the person save face by acting for the better motive.
• Take the high road. Rise above the squabble and appeal to the grander mission. If the other person returns to the squabble, she’ll look small.

Tactics

• Appeal to their highest moral principles.
  • To an angry customer: “I’m impressed by your fairness and your patience, given the horrid treatment you suffered through. And now I ask for your fairness as we consider our next action.”
• When someone is breaking a prior agreement, say that you see them as a person of high integrity, and that you’re confident they’ll live up to...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Arguments 11: Make Your Ideas Vivid

Principles

• Most people are not as rational and data-driven as they may think. They are swayed by emotions and by heuristics that allow fast decision making. They make decisions by gut.
• Simply stating the truth isn’t enough. You have to use showmanship. Make the truth vivid and dramatic.
• Attention is scarcer than ever before. Find ways to capture it, without being gimmicky.

Tactics

• Find a way to visually, viscerally represent the stakes.
• (Shortform note: The book doesn’t give clear rules on how to do this, but some suggestions:
  • Provide a visual analogy. Show objects for size, speed, cost.
  • Equate the opportunity to dollars, or dollars per second. Then analogize this further (eg a Mercedes-Benz a day)
  • Put...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Arguments 12: Issue a Challenge

Principles

• When motivation doesn’t work, organize a competition. This gets people going because they don’t want to be second to anyone else (lest they lose self-importance). This is what makes pie-eating contests and sports enjoyable.
• Furthermore, the desire for mastery and to excel is a fundamental driver of behavior. People love the game, the chance for self-expression, the chance to prove their worth.
• “All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory.”...

Shortform Exercise: Reapproach Your Argument

Revisit a recent argument to reach a better resolution.

Think about a recent argument where you felt you were both talking over each other. What was it about? How did it begin? How did it escalate?

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Feedback 1: Start with Praise

The final part of the book deals with giving feedback to people. You don’t begin in an argument like Part 3 teaches, but you notice something that needs improving and need to communicate it.

This advice applies in relationships of all directions - your superiors, equals, and subordinates. Even your bosses appreciate praise for what they do and sympathy for the difficulties of their role!

Principles

• It’s always easier to listen to unpleasant things after hearing praise about our good points. Without praise, it just sounds completely critical without...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Feedback 2: Point Out Problems Indirectly

Principles

• Avoid the direct surgical attack. People typically know what they’ve done wrong, and calling explicit attention to it feels like issuing an order, which invites resistance.
• With an oblique approach, you allow the person to come to her own conclusion more. It also allows them to save face, thinking something like, “I had a good reason for the last mistake, but no longer! I am resolved to right the ship.”

Tactics

• Follow your sincere praise NOT with “but” but rather with “and.” Contrast:
  • “You’ve done an excellent job working hard, but you could have prevented these careless mistakes.” vs
  • “You’ve done an excellent job working hard, and if you focus next on building a checklist, you’ll...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Feedback 3: Point Out Your Own Mistakes

Principles

• Giving one-sided feedback gives the impression of an overbearing, perfect overlord chastising a flawed underling. It diminishes the person’s importance.
• Admitting your own mistakes shows that you recognize the task is difficult and the person’s mistakes are understandable. It encourages the person to rise to your level, and it lowers your own importance to match that of your partner.
• Adopt the genuine attitude that you are doing better primarily because you have considerably more experience, leading to high personal standards that are currently above others’...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Feedback 4: Ask Questions Instead of Giving Orders

Now that the problem is known, present how to fix the problem.

Principles

• Instead of issuing orders, ask questions.
• It allows your partner to come to her own conclusions independently. People like their own ideas better.
• It preserves agency, importance, and pride. Instead of following...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Feedback 5: Preserve the Person’s Pride

Principles

• People crave importance. If you bulldoze this importance away, the person will resent you and become more difficult to influence later. Let them preserve their pride even when receiving feedback or being punished.

Tactics

• (Shortform suggestions: The book doesn’t give clear directives on a general way of how to do this, but it centers around preserving the person’s pride and what they care about.
• Acknowledge that mistakes are done out of momentary carelessness or inexperience, and not lack of ability.
• If there is a misfit with a role,...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Feedback 6: Create a Reputation to Live Up To

Principles

• If you want to improve something about a person, act as though that trait were already one of her outstanding characteristics. They will try to live up to that reputation, rather than disappoint you and betray their image.
• People want to feel important. Being valued for certain traits or their reputation makes them feel important, and they will work to continue feeling important.
• Shakespeare: “Assume a virtue, if you have it not.”
• (Shortform note: This is similar to the Arguments chapter “Appeal to the Best Self.”)

Tactics

• If an excellent worker is falling short in performance, praise the person’s previous work and reputation for quality....

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Feedback 7: Make the Improvement Look Easy

Principles

• If you tell someone they lack the talent and will never be good at something, you have removed interest and hope for improvement.
• Instead, tell them they have the right talent and fundamentals, but just need to practice to get better. Make the steps easy to do.

Tactics

• Connect...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Feedback 8: Keep the Person’s Interests in Mind

Principles

• Always keep the other person’s interests and incentives in mind. Link your suggestion with meeting their interests.
• Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants. Then consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.

Tactics

• When rejecting someone for a responsibility, communicate that they’re too important for the role.
• If turning down a social event or invitation to speak, offer up an alternative - a substitute speaker, another time to meet. The rejected party won’t have any time to feel disappointed.
• Make people feel important with new responsibilities, job titles.

Examples

• When President Wilson appointed one diplomat over another to Europe to...

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary Feedback 9: Praise Every Improvement

Principles

• Praising every improvement inspires the other person to keep on improving.
• When training a puppy, you praise every improvement with a small reward, and this locks in the good behavior. Why don’t we do the same with other people?
• Look back on your life and remember moments where just a few words of praise sharply turned your entire future. You can have this impact on others.

Tactics

• Give specific praise. Single out a specific accomplishment, instead of general flattering remarks. This makes your praise sound more sincere, and also forces you to find genuine points of appreciation.
• Some relationships, especially between parents and children and between employer and employee, have evolved into a vicious cycle...

Shortform Exercise: Give Awesome Feedback

Revisit a recent time you gave feedback to someone, and improve your approach.

Think about a recent time you gave feedback that didn’t get the results you wanted. What was it about? How did you present it? How did the other person respond?