Book SummaryHow to Know a Person, by David Brooks

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of How to Know a Person

In How to Know a Person (2023), David Brooks argues that our relationships are in decline—and the morality of our society with them—because many of us have lost touch with a crucial part of being human: our ability to know other people well. Brooks writes that knowing others enables us to see across political divides, racial lines, and geographic distances, allowing us to truly understand one another. To Brooks, learning and practicing the skill of knowing other people is not just a social good, but a moral imperative.

Brooks argues that if you’re too absorbed in your own life and perspective, you close yourself off to the humanity and dignity of the people around you. This leads to a diminished life for you as an individual, as well as a lack of morality and meaning among all people. Brooks sees modern problems like political polarization, the mental health crisis, and an epidemic of loneliness as the...

How to Know a Person Summary What Does It Mean to Really Know People?

Brooks writes that many of us feel unacknowledged, unseen, and unloved. But he argues that we feel this way not because nobody cares about us, but because we’ve lost the skill of getting to know one another deeply—and making each other feel known. He contends that we weren’t always missing this vital ability. Instead, there’s a mismatch between the number of people we encounter in our modern world and our brains’ capacity to get to know others. As Brooks points out, we’re still working with social skills that our early human ancestors evolved as they lived in small hunter-gatherer bands. In his assessment, these skills haven’t quite caught up to the demands of the large, diverse societies we live in today.

Brooks explains that modern societies are much larger than the small hunter-gatherer bands that our early ancestors lived in. We also have much more intricate social structures and institutions to organize our communities. Plus, modern technology enables us to interact with people all over the world. All of these layers of interconnectedness add complexity to our relationships—a situation that our evolution in small hunter-gatherer societies hasn’t quite prepared us for....

How to Know a Person Summary Why Is Learning to Know Others Important—and Difficult?

Brooks argues that we often don’t make an effort to get to know each other, but why is it so vital to our well-being, as individuals and as a society, that we make this effort? According to Brooks, there are two reasons: Knowing other people is a moral act that helps us develop our character as individuals, and it’s a social act that can help us reverse some of the negative changes that the modern world has brought to our communities and how we relate to each other. In this section, we’ll take a closer look at both of these ideas.

How We Treat Others Defines Our Moral Character

First, Brooks considers the effort of getting to know other people a fundamentally moral act. He characterizes the time, attention, and skill you put into seeing and understanding other people as an indicator of the kind of person you are. Morality consists of the small things you do every day, according to Brooks. So he believes we should be present with other people, make an effort to understand them in the context of their lives, and strive to always treat them well.

(Shortform note: Essayist Annie Dillard famously observed that “how we spend our days is, of course, [how we spend our...

How to Know a Person Summary How Can We Better Understand Other People?

While learning to know other people is crucial, Brooks acknowledges that it takes a lot of time and effort to cultivate this skill—and to actually practice it in our everyday lives. But he contends that anybody can learn to know others by mastering three skills: making others feel seen, listening deeply to others, and cultivating social skills that might not come naturally—like stepping outside of our own perspectives, practicing empathy, and recognizing where somebody is in their life’s journey. Next, we’ll examine each of these strategies in more detail so you can learn how to practice them.

Learn to Make People Feel Seen and Valued

Brooks explains that it’s crucial to interact with others in ways that show them you appreciate them and want to understand them. This involves several skills you can practice every day, like being open to what people share with you, learning to be present with others through even the mundane things you do together, and using your conversational skills to deepen your connections with people. Here’s how Brooks recommends doing this in your everyday interactions.

Open Yourself Up to What People Share With You

To help people feel...

Shortform Exercise: Prepare to Get to Know Someone Better

In How to Know a Person, Brooks emphasizes that truly knowing others requires active listening and asking meaningful questions. In this exercise, you’ll prepare for an upcoming conversation to deepen your connection with someone.

Think of an upcoming conversation you'll have with someone (for example, a friend, family member, or colleague). Who is this person, and what do you already know about them?