Book SummaryHow Not To Be Wrong, by James O'Brien

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of How Not To Be Wrong

In How Not to Be Wrong, British broadcaster James O’Brien draws upon his personal and professional experiences to argue that in a world increasingly marked by tribalism, political division, and lack of empathy, learning to change your mind when you’re wrong is both a valuable life skill and a tool for solving intractable problems.

But his book also has a deeper message: O’Brien claims that most of our prejudices and negative attitudes toward other people stem from our denial of pain we experienced in childhood. In other words, as the saying goes, “hurt people, hurt people.” Specifically, says O’Brien, boys who are taught to deal with painful experiences by “manning up” frequently become men who believe they can fight their way out of any problem, often by attacking others.

O’Brien is one of the UK’s leading radio presenters, with over 1.2 million weekly listeners to his daily current affairs talk show. He is also the author of _[How To Be...

How Not To Be Wrong Summary Beliefs About Self: Pain Makes You Tough and You Can Fight Your Way Out of Any Problem

O’Brien was in his forties when he began questioning some of the beliefs he’d held for years. He didn’t do so spontaneously; in fact, as is often the case, his self-examination was prompted by a personal crisis. He started to realize that his long-standing belief that pain makes you tough and you can fight your way out of any problem was not only wrong, but it was also making him and his family unhappy.

Why O’Brien Began Questioning His Beliefs

For much of his life, O’Brien was the guy who always had to be right and could never back down from arguing his position. He was afraid that being wrong would make him weak or vulnerable. It got so bad that winning became even more important to him than being right. His professional career as a radio broadcaster was based on this approach and simultaneously fed into it: In his line of work, he says, the better you are at taking down others and reinforcing prejudice, the more successful you are.

Then someone O’Brien loved dearly (whom he doesn’t name) became very ill, and he found that all of his former tactics not only didn’t work, but they also caused damage. He tried to argue this person out of being sick and encouraged them...

How Not To Be Wrong Summary Beliefs About Others: Prejudices and Failure to Recognize Systemic Inequity

In addition to examining his beliefs about himself, therapy led O’Brien to examine his beliefs about others. Specifically, he recognized that, despite his progressive politics, he had been blind to systemic inequity that didn’t affect him directly, and he held unfounded prejudices against certain groups of people.

Failure to Recognize Racism and White Privilege

As a white man, O’Brien was relatively uninformed about race and racism. The more he learned, the more his eyes were opened, and he saw that his beliefs about things like stop-and-frisk and white privilege had been wrong.

Stop-and-Frisk and Racism

O’Brien claims that he wasn’t exposed to racism growing up, because (according to him) his friends who were people of color didn’t experience it in school. Since he didn’t observe racism around him in his boarding school or college, he didn’t think it was a problem.

As an adult, he didn’t view the law enforcement practice of indiscriminate stop and search (stop-and-frisk in America) as an example of racial profiling, even though it was directed primarily at Black men. Rather, he believed that if you had nothing to hide, you had nothing to fear.

**The turning...

How Not To Be Wrong Summary Conclusion: We Must Acknowledge Our Own Pain to Empathize With Other People

In considering everything he had been wrong about, O’Brien wonders whether the source of his wrongness on less important issues was the same as the source of his wrongness on significant issues. He concludes that the source is the same: childhood trauma.

There are degrees of trauma—O’Brien’s boarding school experiences are not the same as the former gang member’s experience in a criminal gang, for example—and trauma affects people in different ways, but the common denominator, claims O’Brien, is that if you don’t like the person it's made you into, you can change. It’s treatable.

O’Brien says that our lack of empathy and negative attitudes about other people almost always stem from our denial of our own pain. As long as we fail to address the negative experiences that made us who we are, it will be hard for us to understand the perspectives of others. However, if we can recognize our own hurt, we can let down our guard and be more vulnerable, which allows us to relate to others by...

Shortform Exercise: Question Your Prejudices

O’Brien calls his book How Not to Be Wrong, but it could just as easily be called “How Not to Be Prejudiced,” as most of what O’Brien says he was wrong about are his negative attitudes toward groups of people. It takes courage to acknowledge your own prejudices, but doing so can be the first step toward combating them—and getting to the root of why you feel the way you do.

Everyone has prejudices. However illogical or unfounded your opinions on a particular group of people may be, describe your thoughts and feelings about this group.