Book SummaryHold On to Your Kids, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Hold On to Your Kids

Peer Orientation

Peer orientation, according to Neufeld and Maté, describes a phenomenon in which children and adolescents primarily seek guidance, values, and direction from their peers rather than from parents or other responsible adults. This occurrence is a relatively recent development in Western culture, and is largely driven by changes in family structure, societal values, and the rapid rise of communication technology. While seemingly harmless, the authors assert that peer orientation significantly undermines healthy development, disrupts the natural parent-child bond, and ultimately threatens the fabric of society.

Negative Impacts of Children's Peer-Focused Growth

Neufeld and Maté emphasize that children who are primarily peer-oriented probably experience a range of negative impacts on their development, including stunted emotional growth, hindered intellectual development, and failing to internalize parental values. They argue that this stems from the fact that children lack the necessary maturity, knowledge, and experience to guide each other toward adulthood, leaving them stuck in a cycle of immaturity and driven by often inappropriate instincts.

Peer Orientation Leading to Stunted Emotional Development

The authors explain that healthy emotional development requires a sense of safety and security that can be provided exclusively by caring grown-ups. They point out that children are inherently vulnerable and are particularly susceptible to emotional wounding through peer relationships, characterized by insensitivity, bullying, exclusion, and a lack of empathy. When a child's primary bond is with peers, they forfeit the safeguard of parental attachment, becoming overly sensitive to the careless and often cruel dynamics of their peer circle.

Neufeld and Maté argue that this hypersensitivity, combined with children's natural drive to avoid emotional pain, leads to defensive detachment—a shutting down of emotions and an emotional toughening. They describe this as 'the escape from being vulnerable,' where kids hold back emotions like sadness, fear, loss, or rejection to conform with the 'coolness' of their peer group. The authors explain that kids protecting themselves from vulnerability not only forfeit their innate stress defense, but the sting of peer rejection is magnified to the point of devastation. When children can't feel the emptiness of this void of connection, explain the authors, they are unable to be satiated by the nurturing care that parents could offer. Thus, peer-oriented children end up stuck in a state of insatiable craving for connection and acceptance.

Practical Tips

• Start a discomfort diary to track moments of emotional pain and your responses to them. By keeping a daily log of situations that trigger hypersensitivity, you can identify patterns in your behavior, such as when you tend to detach defensively. For example, if you notice you're withdrawing after receiving criticism at work, you might decide to address this by seeking constructive feedback proactively to build resilience.
• Introduce age-appropriate stress management techniques to your children, such as deep breathing exercises or mindfulness coloring. These activities can be incorporated into their daily routine, helping them to develop healthy coping mechanisms for stress. You might set aside 10 minutes each day for a "calm time" where everyone in the family engages in a chosen stress-relief activity together.

How Friend Focus Impairs Intellectual Development

Neufeld and Maté assert that prioritizing peers also negatively affects intellectual development. They point out that learning is most successful when it's driven by inquisitiveness, a willingness to discover unfamiliar things, and an ability to handle making mistakes and to accept correction. However, children who are primarily oriented towards their peers have their attention fixated on matters of social acceptance and contact, leaving them uninterested in what doesn't fulfill these needs. Rather than having an innate curiosity, they find anything beyond peer culture and its concerns dull.

Neufeld argues that children oriented toward peers lack the integrative intelligence required for critical and abstract thinking skills. They primarily operate from a limited perspective, driven by impulse and untempered by opposing feelings, and therefore have difficulties assimilating new information, synthesizing ideas, and understanding complex themes. Additionally, they can't learn from mistakes and setbacks, being too protective against vulnerability to recognize, accept, or take accountability for their failures. Neufeld calls this 'the preschooler syndrome,' an immaturity that is normal for a four-year-old but very worrisome when it persists in teens and young adults.

Peer Pressure's Effect on Internalizing Parental Values

Neufeld and Maté contend that having a peer-focused mindset prevents children from internalizing parental values. They emphasize that children do not spontaneously adopt the values of their parents, but rather internalize them through a complex process that requires a deep and secure connection to their caregivers, a process of differentiation, and a willingness to be receptive to influence. As kids develop a peer orientation, their desire to meet their parents' expectations is replaced by a need to align with the peer group, adopting their values simply to be accepted and belong.

These peer values are typically superficial and short-term, focused on matters of social conformity, appearance, and entertainment, as opposed to the longer-term values of education, discipline, personal growth, and independence that most parents aspire to. Peer-oriented children are unlikely to see the relevance of their parents’ values if their primary focus is belonging to their peer group.

Practical Tips

• Create a personal "non-conformity day" once a month where you consciously make...