Book SummaryGetting to Yes with Yourself, by William Ury

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Getting to Yes with Yourself

Comprehending Yourself

This first section focuses on understanding yourself as the foundation for securing your own agreement and the agreement of others. Ury emphasizes the importance of self-awareness as the starting point for negotiating effectively and achieving personal fulfillment.

Practice Objective and Empathetic Self-Observation

The author emphasizes the importance of stepping back from your immediate reactions in order to objectively examine yourself. You’ll then be able to gain self-awareness through understanding and compassion.

Embrace Curious Inquiry Over Harsh Self-Judgment

Ury introduces the concept of "taking a step back," which symbolizes creating a gap between you and your initial mental and emotional responses. Instead of reacting impulsively during difficult discussions or bargaining, decide to examine your emotions, mental activity, and physical sensations inquisitively. Rather than being critical of yourself, treat your inner experiences as valuable research material, like a scientist observing a new phenomenon. Ask yourself, "Isn't that interesting?" This approach helps you counteract the negative impact of self-judgment and improve your decision-making. For example, if you notice yourself feeling angry in a negotiation, simply observe the feeling of anger and how it manifests in your body without judging it as "bad" or "wrong".

To cultivate self-observation, try spending a few moments daily in a comfortable position with your eyes closed, watching as your thoughts and emotions arise and pass, like the sky observing passing clouds. If you find your mind entangled in a thought or judgment, simply notice it without judging yourself for being engrossed, and return to observing. This mindfulness practice helps you become more familiar with your mind's patterns and decreases your chances of being swept away by reactive emotions.

Practical Tips

• Implement a "Two-Minute Mindfulness" pause before reacting to personal setbacks. When you notice self-criticism creeping in, take two minutes to breathe deeply and ask yourself, "What can I learn from this?" This helps shift your focus from judgment to curiosity about how you can improve.
• Use a "response journal" to practice delayed reactions in daily interactions. When faced with a decision or a situation that triggers an immediate emotional response, write down your initial thoughts in a journal. Wait for a set period, like 30 minutes or an hour, then revisit your notes and record any new perspectives that have emerged. This habit can train your brain to naturally create a gap before responding in real-time situations.
• Develop a "Sensation Vocabulary" by listing new words that describe subtle emotions and physical feelings. Whenever you experience a sensation that's hard to define, challenge yourself to find or invent a word that captures it. This practice not only enriches your emotional literacy but also encourages a more nuanced exploration of your inner experiences.
• Use a voice recorder app to capture spontaneous inner dialogues. Throughout the day, when you find yourself having an internal conversation or reaction to an event, quickly record it on your phone. Later, listen to these recordings to gain insights into your subconscious patterns. This could reveal, for instance, a tendency to self-criticize when faced with a challenge, allowing you to consciously work on more supportive self-talk.
• Start a conversation club with friends or colleagues where the only rule is to bring up topics that make you all say, "Isn't that interesting?" This social setting can foster a shared sense of wonder and exploration, leading to deeper discussions and a collective appreciation for the intriguing aspects of life and work.
• Develop a personal 'achievement map' by plotting out your successes and positive qualities on a visual board. Whenever you feel self-judgment creeping in, refer to your map to remind yourself of your strengths and accomplishments. You can use symbols, colors, or images to represent different achievements, making the map a personalized and motivating tool.
• Engage in "role-reversal" debates with a friend or family member. When you're about to make a decision, explain your reasoning to someone else and have them argue the opposite, focusing on the emotional aspects. This exercise can help you detach from your emotions and consider the decision more objectively.
• Use a wearable device or app that tracks physiological responses, like heart rate or skin conductance, to learn about your body's reactions to different situations. Review the data at the end of the day to identify patterns and correlate them with your emotional states or thought processes, enhancing your understanding of the mind-body connection.

Discover Your Desires and Motivations Through Self-Compassion

Ury suggests that hearing yourself out with compassion, as you would a close friend, can reveal your deepest needs and motivations. Pay close attention to recurrent dissatisfaction, as this often points to unmet requirements or interests. The author encourages you to repeatedly ask yourself about the reasons for your desires until you reach the root cause of your wants, your foundational need. As an illustration, if you're facing a conflict at work, you might ask yourself. "Why does this situation upset me?" Perhaps you feel disrespected by your colleagues. Continue questioning your motivations. until you identify the core need driving your emotions, which in this case might be a need for recognition or personal validation.

The author shares a story about Brazilian businessman Abilio Diniz, who was involved in a contentious conflict with his associate. Ury assisted Diniz in identifying his core need for...

Getting to Yes with Yourself Summary Personal Accountability

This section focuses on taking ownership of your circumstances and needs as crucial for achieving an inner yes. Ury argues that releasing the habit of blaming and embracing accountability enables you to transform your personal life and connections for the better.

Own Your Life Circumstances and Relationships

Ury stresses the importance of moving beyond blame and accepting accountability for your life, relationships, and needs. While it may feel tempting to fault others for challenges and dissatisfactions, taking control of your situation creates freedom and empowerment.

Stop Holding Others Responsible for Your Challenges and Dissatisfactions

Ury emphasizes that regardless of how tough or painful your circumstances are, you have the ability to select your response. He offers the example of Jerry White, who at age 20 lost his leg in a landmine explosion. White initially felt consumed by rage, resentment, and self-pity. Inspired by a fellow patient, he decided to take control of his own destiny and dedicate himself to service, co-founding a worldwide organization for landmine survivors called Survivor Corps, and working tirelessly to help others.

Ury suggests you...

Getting to Yes with Yourself Summary Mindset Shifts

This section advises adopting two fundamental mindset shifts to enable self-agreement: cultivate basic trust and sufficiency and embrace generosity and collaboration. These shifts create internal conditions for productive negotiations and greater inner peace.

Cultivate Basic Trust and a Feeling of Having Enough in Your Lifetime

Ury says that shifting your mindset from scarcity and hostility to abundance and friendliness enables you to find satisfaction from within, making it easier to collaborate with others.

Move From Lacking and Hostility to Abundance and Friendliness

Ury advises reframing your perspective on life as fundamentally friendly and supportive, even when confronted with hardship. This shift in perspective alters the dynamic from a battle for scarce resources to a collaborative effort to create mutual benefit. He provides an illustration involving James, a negotiator tasked with removing a rebel leader for peace talks during an internal conflict. Landing in a jungle clearing, James’s helicopter was surrounded by a large group of armed guerrillas, who suspected a trap. Instead of reacting with fear, James chose to view the leader as a potential partner....

Getting to Yes with Yourself Summary Present-Moment Awareness

This section advises releasing attachments to previous events and anxieties concerning what's ahead, and cultivating present-moment awareness, the only time when you can change things for the better. Being in the moment helps see openings for agreements that satisfy both parties.

Release Unproductive Past Attachments and Future Anxieties

Ury stresses the importance of releasing the past and trusting the future in order to fully engage with the present moment. This release allows you to access your best self and create space for reaching fulfilling arrangements with others.

Release Resentments, Regrets, and Forgive Yourself and Other People

Ury points out that dwelling on past regrets and retaining resentments only distances you from living in the now and harms both your well-being and your connections. He encourages forgiving both yourself and other people as essential for releasing the past. Forgiveness isn't about excusing harmful actions, but rather accepting what happened and releasing yourself from the burden of anger and bitterness. He describes Nelson Mandela, who, after being imprisoned for 27 years due to his fight against apartheid in South Africa, chose...

Getting to Yes with Yourself Summary Collaborative Problem-Solving

This section summarizes the author's guidance on using the inner yes method to facilitate cooperative, win-win-win negotiation, especially in difficult circumstances.

Approach Others With Real Respect

Ury emphasizes the importance of approaching every negotiation respectfully, recognizing the inherent dignity and worthiness of the other party, regardless of their behavior. Respect underpins a trust-based relationship, essential for finding a solution that satisfies all parties.

Understand the Perspective and Priorities of Others

Ury emphasizes the importance of seeing things from another's perspective. Be empathetic, seeking to comprehend their perspective and understand their needs and motivations. He shares his experience interviewing Syrian resistance leaders near the border of Turkey and Syria to investigate potential avenues for peace. Many of these leaders were physicians, dentists, and poets who became involved in the conflict upon witnessing violence and suffering inflicted on their communities. Hearing them, Ury felt empathy for their pain and grasped their perspective, despite initial preconceptions. This shift in understanding established a basis for...