Book SummaryFar From the Tree, by Andrew Solomon

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Far From the Tree

When people say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, they mean that children typically resemble their parents, in their physical and nonphysical characteristics. But sometimes, the apple rolls quite far from the tree that produced it. In Far From the Tree (2012), Andrew Solomon explores the experiences of families raising children with identities that differ from what their parents expected or prepared for.

Solomon examines the lives of families with children with disabilities like dwarfism, Down syndrome, and autism; children with psychological conditions like schizophrenia; children who are prodigies; children conceived through rape; and children who commit crimes. While each of these conditions is different, the families he interviewed share the experience of having to radically adjust their expectations and redefine their idea of a “normal” life. These families also share common experiences of stigma, trauma, resilience—and a deeply human drive for self-acceptance and social belonging.

Solomon is a psychologist, writer, lecturer, and activist. He began studying identity formation in 1993, when he was assigned a story on Deaf culture by The New York Times. The...

Far From the Tree Summary How Do We Form Our Identity?

Our sense of identity—how we understand and define ourselves—is fundamental to how we move through the world. It shapes how we relate to others, the choices we make, and our ability to find meaning and purpose in life. This makes understanding identity formation crucial for anyone interested in human development, particularly parents who want to support their children in building a healthy sense of self.

Psychologists describe identity formation as the process by which we develop a coherent and integrated sense of self. Our identity encompasses aspects like our personal traits, values, beliefs, and social roles. Solomon explains that the formation of identity is a complex, lifelong process that’s influenced by many factors, both internal and external. The classic question of “nature versus nurture” arises: When it comes to identity, our inherent traits and genetic predispositions play an important role, but the environment and social context we grow up in also significantly shape how we perceive and define ourselves.

Among these external influences, the acceptance and sense of community we experience can impact how our identity develops: Identity is socially...

Far From the Tree Summary Why Are Horizontal Identities Challenging for Parents?

Figuring out how to raise an exceptional child challenges parents on many levels. Solomon explains that raising a child who has a horizontal identity can be a challenging experience for several reasons, including the difficulty of coping with an unfamiliar and unexpected trait and our natural desire for a sense of normality. We’ll take a closer look at each of these psychological challenges next.

1. Parents Struggle to Understand a Horizontal Identity

First, horizontal identities challenge our empathy and understanding because the underlying trait and its effects are unfamiliar and unexpected, Solomon explains. Many children who will later come out as gay or transgender are born to parents who are straight or cisgender. These parents don’t know what it’s like to be attracted to people of the same gender (or to people of varying genders) or to have a gender identity that differs from the sex they were assigned at birth. They also didn’t expect their children to differ from them in this way.

(Shorform note: Even when children don’t have the sorts of major differences from their families that Solomon highlights, parents can sometimes [project their own...

Far From the Tree Summary How Can You Parent a Child With a Significant Difference?

Solomon writes that parenting a child with a horizontal identity is a life-altering experience that presents unique challenges and opportunities. It requires a deep commitment, resilience, and a willingness to adapt and grow alongside the child. This section examines Solomon’s advice for parenting a child with a horizontal identity.

Understand and Accept Your Child’s Differences

Solomon explains it’s imperative to understand and accept your child’s difference, no matter what it is. Educating yourself prepares you to provide appropriate care, support, and accommodations. Accepting your child’s abilities enables you to nurture their strengths and foster a strong sense of self-worth. But Solomon acknowledges that achieving understanding and acceptance is a process: Parents have to come to terms with the emotional impact of having a child with unexpected differences or disabilities. It’s natural to feel grief, anger, fear, and even guilt. Yet it’s essential to work through these feelings to cultivate a mindset of hope for the child’s future.

(Shortform note: While Solomon advises parents to work through difficult emotions like grief and fear, some parents of transgender...

Shortform Exercise: Build Understanding Across Differences

Parents of children with horizontal identities often must learn to understand experiences that are very different from their own. This skill is valuable for anyone seeking to build meaningful relationships across differences.

Think of someone in your life who has an identity or experience significantly different from yours (this could be related to ability, gender identity, neurodiversity, etc.). What assumptions did you initially make about their experience?