Book SummaryEight Dates, by John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, et al.

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Eight Dates

What makes love last? According to the authors of Eight Dates, the secret to a long and loving relationship is to make time to learn about your partner and to stay curious. Eight Dates is a resource for building a stronger relationship with your partner by committing to always learning about who they are and who they're becoming, starting with eight powerful dates.

Eight Dates is co-authored by couples John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, and Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams. John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman are best known for their work as founders of The Gottman Institute, a research and therapy center focused on strengthening relationships and preventing divorce. Their research inspired them to develop The Gottman Method, a widely used approach to relationship counseling. The couple has written multiple books together, including The Love Prescription,...

Eight Dates Summary The Secret to a Long and Loving Relationship: Never Stop Dating

There's no magic equation of compatibility that guarantees that you and your partner will stay together. However, the authors argue that there's a tried and true way to make sure your relationship grows stronger over time. Relationships last when both people support the evolution and growth of their partner, as individuals and as a couple. The authors argue that to support each other’s growth, you and your partner need to set aside time to continue learning about each other through intentional conversation and open-ended questions.

(Shortform note: Inherent in the authors’ discussion of how to make romantic relationships last is the assumption that people want to stay in long-term relationships. However, according to some experts, not all long-term relationships are healthy, and many people find themselves stuck in emotionally or physically abusive relationships. In Why Does He Do That?, Lundy Bancroft defines abuse as controlling, angry, and violent behavior committed by someone against their partner. If you or someone...

Eight Dates Summary The Eight Essential Conversations

After committing to make time to learn more about your partner on a weekly date night, where do you start and what should you talk about?

The authors outline eight conversations that they say every couple must have; topics range from sex to finances to personal aspirations. These eight conversations won't only lay a strong foundation for your relationship—they’ll also allow you...

Eight Dates Summary Date One: Trust

Trust is foundational to a long-lasting relationship. The authors define trust as the conviction that your partner values you and will be there to support you. The goal of this date is to understand your partner’s beliefs about trust and discuss how you can deepen trust in your relationship.

(Shortform note: Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity, defines trust differently—as a confident engagement with the unknown. Perel argues that trust isn't necessarily about the belief that your partner will always be there or take care of you, but the confidence that when you and your partner make a mistake or cause harm to one another, you’ll come back together, heal, and move forward. Because of this, she explains that taking risks is one of the best ways for couples to build trust because it allows you to be vulnerable with your partner and creates opportunities for deeper intimacy and shared experiences.)

There are a number of ways you can build—or break—trust in your relationship. The authors argue you can build trust by...

Eight Dates Summary Date Two: Disagreements

The next date is about disagreements. The authors emphasize that disagreements in a relationship are normal. In fact, when you know how to manage disagreements effectively, it can even strengthen your relationship. The goal of this date is to learn how your partner manages disagreements and how you can manage disagreements more effectively as a couple.

(Shortform note: Not only do all couples fight, but common sources of conflict also cut across multiple cultures. For example, a study of over 2,000 married couples from Britain, China, Russia, Turkey, and the US found that couples were most likely to fight about the division of household tasks, finances, parenting, and physical intimacy.)

The authors differentiate between two types of problems that cause tension in a relationship. The first type of problem are those that can be resolved. These are often surface-level problems about what to eat for dinner or who should walk the dog. They’re only about the topic at hand and don’t hide any bigger underlying issues. The second type of problem are ones that will never be resolved (what the authors call “perpetual problems”). These...

Eight Dates Summary Date Three: Sex

The authors argue that a healthy sex life is important to the long-term health of your relationship. However, they emphasize that there isn't one definition of a healthy sex life. It will look different for every couple, and it will look different at different points in your life. For example, you might have more sex when you first start dating or less sex if one partner is sick. In the end, a healthy sex life is whatever feels good for both you and your significant other. The goal of this date is to learn more about what turns your partner on and to discuss how to keep your relationship passionate.

(Shortform note: Sex isn't necessarily a part of every long-term healthy relationship. A 2022 study found that many people who self-identify as asexual are happily coupled in thriving relationships. However, there is limited research on the subject and researchers emphasized the need for further exploration of diverse relationship models.)

The authors explain that a healthy sex life depends on honest conversation. Sex and...

Eight Dates Summary Date Four: Finances

Money is another frequent source of conflict in any relationship. The authors explain that having explicit conversations about your individual and collective finances will help you get to know your partner better and more effectively anticipate and navigate areas of conflict related to money. The goal of this date is to better understand your and your partner’s relationship to money and discuss how to build a healthy financial future together.

(Shortform note: One expert explains that conflict about money often stems from financial imbalance, or differences in earning and/or spending, in a couple. Financial imbalance isn't inherently bad but can lead to a variety of conflicts, including feelings of guilt or resentment. Other issues that may arise include feelings of inadequacy if one partner is the primary earner or there's a significant income difference between partners, an imbalance of power if one partner makes all the important financial decisions, or financial infidelity if one partner misleads the other about their finances, causing problems by undermining trust.)

**Our relationship to...

Eight Dates Summary Date Five: Family

The authors argue that different visions and definitions of family can be a dealbreaker in a relationship. The goal of this date is to understand what family looks like for you and your partner. Every person defines family differently, so it’s important to make sure you and your partner are on the same page before entering into a long-term commitment. Specifically, if you don't have children, talk about whether you want to be parents.

(Shortform note: This date focuses on couples who haven't yet made the decision to have kids. If you already have children, you can use this date to talk about how you co-parent—what’s working and what isn’t. Consider discussing your different parenting styles or any house rules and routines that need to be changed or updated, or just take time to discuss how your family is doing and any challenges you're facing right now as a parent.)

Use the following prompt to guide your conversation:

• Describe your dream family.

If you're planning on having children, ask...

Eight Dates Summary Date Six: Play

The next date is about playfulness. The authors believe that having fun is key to a happy, thriving relationship. The goal of this date is to find out what you like to do for fun and what your partner likes to do for fun and to explore how you can have fun together.

What Does Fun Look Like?

The Power of Fun author Catherine Price argues that “true fun” occurs when playfulness, connection, and flow coincide.

She defines playfulness as the state of doing something for its own sake without seeking any specific outcome or reward; connection as the feeling of sharing a unique experience with another person or entity, leading to a sense of closeness; and flow as the mental state of being fully engaged in a present-moment task, where one becomes so absorbed that time seems to pass quickly and is forgotten.

She explains that while the experience of any one of these factors is bound to elicit a range of positive emotions, only the combined experience of all three will give you the feeling of lightness, freedom, and...

Eight Dates Summary Date Seven: Change

According to the authors, people change over time. In a relationship, it’s important to support your partner’s evolution, even if it’s different than you expected. Conflict will often arise as you or your partner changes, but individual change can strengthen and deepen a relationship when both partners take it as an opportunity to better understand the other person. The purpose of this date is to acknowledge how you and your partner have changed in your relationship and to discuss shared traditions that will keep you connected as you continue to change in the future.

(Shortform note: While there's widespread consensus that personality changes over time, research has shown some personality traits remain relatively stable throughout a person's life, while others change significantly. For example, some studies have found that people tend to become more emotionally stable as they age. Also, personality traits that are more specific and negative, such as anxiety or anger, are more likely to change over time than broader and more positive traits like extraversion or...

Eight Dates Summary Date Eight: Aspirations

According to the authors, couples grow together, but each person also has personal aspirations. Couples who are able to affirm and support each other’s long-term goals are more likely to have a long-lasting relationship. This date is about sharing your greatest aspirations with your partner and learning about their aspirations so that you can better support each other as you pursue your dreams.

(Shortform note: When you lose sight of your own goals and aspirations, you run the risk of becoming too deeply enmeshed with your partner, or codependent. In Codependent No More, Melody Beattie defines codependency as a pattern of behavior in a relationship in which one person becomes obsessed with another and loses sight of themselves. Interdependence, on the other hand, offers [a healthy middle ground between total self-sufficiency and total dependency...

Eight Dates Summary A Lifelong Journey

The authors emphasize that these eight dates are just the start of the long journey of getting to know your partner. It’s impossible to ever know everything about another person, and that's the wonderful thing about being in a...

Shortform Exercise: Prioritize Date Night

The authors of Eight Dates argue that the secret to a long and loving relationship is to take time to keep getting to know your partner, and they strongly advocate for the power of a weekly date night. In the following exercises, you’ll explore your reason for prioritizing date night, identify potential barriers, and start making a plan for your first weekly date.

Why do you want to prioritize planning intentional time with your partner?

Shortform Exercise: Plan Your First Dates

Now that you’ve articulated why you want to plan a weekly date and addressed your biggest potential barrier, it’s time to plan your first date.

While the authors suggest an order for the eight dates, the dates can happen in any order. Out of the eight dates, which one are you most excited about? Why?