Book SummaryDealing with People You Can’t Stand, by Rick Brinkman and Rick Kerschner

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Dealing with People You Can’t Stand

Recognizing challenging behavior and comprehending the intentions behind it.

The section in question delves into the concept that difficult behaviors stem not from flaws embedded in an individual's personality, but rather from positive intentions that have unfortunately misfired. To appropriately respond to these behaviors, it's essential to grasp the fundamental motivations and accurately identify their different forms.

The thirteen characteristics pose significant challenges when individuals display them in their most adverse manifestations.

Rick Brinkman and Rick Kirschner identified ten particular behaviors that are commonly considered difficult to manage, along with three additional actions that are often seen in interactions within families. Each behavior exemplifies a distinct response from individuals when their fundamental objectives are challenged or impeded. Identifying these actions is crucial for comprehending the motivations behind them and determining successful response strategies.

Individuals often display difficult behaviors, like the forceful demeanor of the Tank, the subtle maneuvers of the Sniper, and the sudden eruptions of the Grenade, when their goals are impeded.

Let's break down these behaviors as identified by Brinkman and Kirschner. The Tank approaches situations directly, frequently initiating direct confrontations to accomplish their goals. They bulldoze through obstacles and have little tolerance for disagreement. Consider a manager reprimanding employees for missing deadlines, a patron raising their voice at a support representative, or a partner who gets excessively angry about minor domestic issues.

In contrast, the person referred to engages in subtle actions. They wield their biting humor to diminish others' confidence, thereby establishing their superiority. Consider a coworker who discreetly sabotages your proposals in meetings, a friend who often pokes fun at you, or a relative who offers insincere praise as an indirect method of showing their disapproval of your choices.

The Grenade is typified by abrupt eruptions of intense irritation and vexation. They forcefully express their frustrations, often aiming their anger at those nearby and usually creating a wake of emotional distress. Consider a parent frustrated by their offspring's cluttered bedroom, a customer berating a store employee because of a long line, or a team member who gets agitated during a project with intense pressure.

Various challenging behaviors arise from conflicting obstructed goals. The person frequently labeled a "Know-It-All" consistently holds the conviction that they have a broad understanding and often dismisses alternative viewpoints. An individual who seems to have all the answers may actually be hiding their insecurity behind a show of control, often manipulating and overstating facts to become the center of focus. The Yes Person over-promises and under-delivers, seeking approval by agreeing to everything but following through on nothing. The Maybe Person is well-known for their hesitation, often delaying decisions in the hope that a better option will emerge. The Nothing Person becomes silent, offering no engagement or feedback. The individual often characterized by their focus on issues and obstacles rarely demonstrates a willingness to seek solutions. Individuals display particular actions as...

Dealing with People You Can’t Stand Summary Effective tactics for engaging constructively with challenging individuals.

This section explores the fundamental strategies for interaction developed by Brinkman and Kirschner, crucial for managing difficult people effectively. The authors emphasize the importance of initially establishing rapport to facilitate steering the dialogue towards an outcome that is beneficial and productive for all parties involved. This approach involves improving your overall ability to communicate and adapting your engagement with others to manage a range of difficult behaviors.

Establishing shared understanding and minimizing disparities through steering the conversation in a new direction.

Kirschner's essential strategy for dealing with difficult individuals entails initially aligning oneself with their behavior before subtly directing it. Blending involves pinpointing shared goals and reducing differences, both verbally and non-verbally, to forge a rapport with the person you're interacting with. This requires purposely mirroring their body language, vocal tone, and pace, and acknowledging their perspective and intent, even if you don't agree. By integrating with their perspective, you convey alliance instead of opposition, which reduces their defensiveness and...

Dealing with People You Can’t Stand Summary Tailored strategies for managing a range of difficult behaviors.

The book delves into specific strategies for managing thirteen of the most difficult behavioral types. The authors emphasize the necessity of not just possessing strong communication abilities but also tailoring your interaction strategies to effectively engage with specific types of behavior to achieve the best results.

Engaging with individuals who display aggressive defiance, subtle disobedience, unwarranted overconfidence, or a misplaced belief in their extensive expertise.

Individuals who exhibit a pronounced tendency for assertiveness or mild aggression, along with an unshakeable belief in their own expertise, invariably prioritize the attainment of objectives and the realization of results. However, their approaches differ significantly, necessitating tailored strategies to handle their conduct. The authors emphasize the significance of remaining resolute, projecting assurance, and keeping a steadfast attention on predefined limits and the outcomes one aims to achieve.

Concisely state your stance and guide the dialogue to focus on the pressing matters.

When interacting with a Tank, Brinkman and Kirschner suggest adopting a calm and confident demeanor. To...

Dealing with People You Can’t Stand Summary Shift your approach and viewpoint to effectively engage with challenging individuals.

The authors emphasize the necessity of not just possessing appropriate abilities and tactics but also controlling your perspective and mental stance when engaging with difficult people. This involves developing tolerance, empathy, and an understanding that acknowledges the personal aspects within challenging conduct.

Cultivating tolerance, empathy, and an understanding that recognizes the human aspects in challenging behaviors.

The authors stress the importance of approaching difficult individuals with empathy and a willingness to comprehend their perspectives. Keep in mind that such behaviors often conceal unmet insecurities, fears, or needs. Endeavor to perceive the inner child, the susceptible person endeavoring to manage a difficult circumstance. Consider the past events that could have influenced their viewpoint and resulted in their present actions. Shifting your perspective can help you detach from strong emotions and foster a response that more effectively promotes positive outcomes.

Employing strategies of mental detachment, such as reevaluating the situation in your mind and contrasting it with other experiences, can help you gain a broader view.

The...

Dealing with People You Can’t Stand Summary Interacting with and conveying messages to difficult individuals, including through electronic means.

This part explores the intricate nature of modern communication, where utilizing phone calls and emails can introduce distinct obstacles in dealings with challenging individuals. The authors offer strategies to enhance the positive aspects of these communication styles while minimizing the potential for misunderstandings and negative results.

Strategically employing vocal cues, adjusting the speed of speech, and practicing attentive listening can help surmount the inherent challenges of telephone interactions.

Communicating via phone, without the benefit of seeing visual signals, poses a distinct challenge in handling challenging individuals. Using your voice deliberately, adjusting its tone to convey empathy or increasing its volume to command respect when needed, is achievable even in the absence of reliable nonverbal signals. Pacing is also crucial. Pause regularly during discussions to allow the other individual time to process the information and contribute their insights. Engage in active listening by seeking further explanation and reiterating their key points to ensure understanding.

Influencing how others see things, managing the conversation's mood, and...