Book SummaryCollaborating with the Enemy, by Adam Kahane

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Collaborating with the Enemy

As our social world becomes increasingly volatile, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous, the ability to collaborate across deep divides has become an essential skill, but conventional approaches to collaboration often fail precisely when we need them most. Whether in corporate teams navigating conflicting priorities, communities addressing contentious social issues, or international groups working on complex global challenges, we frequently find ourselves needing to work with those we might consider adversaries.

Collaborating with the Enemy (2017) tackles a fundamental challenge we all face: how to work effectively with people we don’t agree with, like, or trust. Adam Kahane, drawing on his 30+ years as a global conflict mediator, presents an unconventional approach called “stretch collaboration” that lets you embrace conflict, experimentation, and personal change rather than pursuing artificial harmony, rigid...

Collaborating with the Enemy Summary What Is Stretch Collaboration?

As our world becomes increasingly interconnected through globalization, technology, and social media, we encounter more people with different values, interests, and perspectives. These connections span our workplaces, communities, and political environments, and they create situations in which we must collaborate with people we don’t agree with, like, or trust. For these challenging situations, Kahane introduces “stretch collaboration” as an alternative to traditional approaches.

He explains that traditional collaboration typically assumes three things: that we must focus on harmony and suppress conflict within the team; that we must agree on a detailed plan before taking action; and that we can change what others are doing if we try hard enough. While these assumptions might work in simple situations with like-minded people, Kahane explains that they fail in complex, contentious environments for three reasons.

First, traditional collaboration methods demand an unrealistic level of harmony when stakeholders have fundamentally different interests and worldviews. Attempting to suppress these differences creates an artificial sense of unity that inevitably fractures....

Collaborating with the Enemy Summary Principle #1: Acknowledge Both Differences and Connections

First, Kahane explains that effective collaboration requires both embracing conflicts and nurturing relationships. He contends that all human interactions are shaped by two fundamental drives: the drive for power and the drive for love. The drive for power motivates us to seek self-realization and opportunities to assert our individual interests. We express this when advocating for our perspective, pushing for our needs to be met, and maintaining our independence. On the other hand, the drive for love motivates us to seek connection and unity with others. This emerges when we listen, find common ground, and prioritize collective well-being.

Kahane contends that most of us overemphasize one drive at the expense of the other, with negative effects on our ability to collaborate effectively. People who focus primarily on power create fragmentation and resistance; those who focus primarily on love suppress important differences and create artificial harmony. This artificial harmony manifests as superficial agreements that lack real commitment, unaddressed tensions that inevitably resurface, and a false sense of consensus that masks genuine differences.

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Collaborating with the Enemy Summary Principle #2: Try an Adaptive, Iterative Approach

Kahane explains that stretch collaboration requires abandoning the illusion of control through detailed planning and instead allowing solutions to emerge through action and learning. Conventional collaboration assumes we can agree on a detailed plan before taking action, but this assumption fails in complex situations for several reasons: First, no one actually knows what will work until it’s tried. Second, different people have different ideas about what should happen. Third, situations are constantly evolving, making static plans quickly obsolete. And perhaps most importantly, possibilities that couldn’t be anticipated in the planning stage often emerge when putting plans into action.

Instead of trying to control the future through planning, stretch collaboration involves systematically experimenting with different possibilities and adapting based on what you learn. This approach recognizes that in complex situations, the way forward can only be discovered by walking it.

(Shortform note: While Kahane emphasizes abandoning detailed plans, French clothing design workshops reveal a key nuance: Creative experimentation often [requires more...

Collaborating with the Enemy Summary Principle #3: Focus on Changing Your Own Contribution

The third principle of stretch collaboration focuses on what’s entirely within our control: our own participation in the situation. Rather than trying to change others—which is often futile and frustrating—stretch collaboration requires us to step into the game and change ourselves.

Conventional collaboration often devolves into finger-pointing and blame. We focus on what others are doing wrong and how they need to change: “If only the other department would communicate better,” or “If only our partners would fulfill their commitments.” This approach is fundamentally disempowering because it places responsibility for progress on factors outside our control. It also makes others defensive, which makes them less likely to change.

(Shortform note: Effective collaboration may require an additional step that’s absent from Kahane’s framework—processing disappointment before shifting our focus to what we can control. In Jonathan Safran Foer’s short story “The Sixth Borough,” New York residents face a situation beyond their control when a neighboring borough drifts away despite attempts to anchor it. Before they...

Shortform Exercise: Identify Your Collaboration Style

Kahane explains that effective collaboration requires balancing both conflict (power) and connection (love). This exercise helps you identify your default collaboration style and how you might stretch beyond it.

When you’re in a difficult collaborative situation, which are you more likely to do: suppress your views to maintain harmony, assert your position strongly (even if it creates tension), or alternate between asserting and connecting depending on what’s needed in the moment?