Book SummaryAttached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Attached

In Attached, psychiatrist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel Heller contend that many of our relationship issues stem from differences in how we perceive and express intimacy—and that, by understanding this, we can achieve greater harmony in our relationships.

In this guide, you’ll first learn how humans generally relate to romantic partners: What are secure and insecure attachment styles, and why do they matter? You’ll then learn more about the three attachment styles, and what your attachment style indicates you need from a relationship. Then, you’ll discover the problems that can arise if your intimacy needs clash with your partner’s and how to handle it when they do. Finally, you’ll learn how to adopt the behaviors of the secure attachment style and use them to make your relationships more fulfilling. Along the way, we’ll examine how Levine and Heller’s ideas compare with recent research on attachment styles and include recommendations from other experts on practical ways to improve your relationship.

What Are Attachment Styles?

According to Levine and Heller, everyone has an attachment system—a mechanism in your brain that compels you to seek, monitor, and maintain intimacy with a chosen partner. Attachment theory contends that this desire for intimacy is biological and inescapable, which psychologists attribute to an evolutionary adaptation: In prehistoric times, pairs of humans had a better chance of survival than any solo human, so genetic selection favored people who "attached," or learned how to develop close bonds with others.

(Shortform note: Levine and Heller’s contention that we evolved to desire intimacy with a chosen partner implies a long-standing biological preference for monogamy. However, in Sex at Dawn, authors Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá argue that monogamy is not biologically ingrained but, rather, relatively new: Prior to the advent of agriculture, humans lived in multimale-multifemale mating systems.)

The authors note that every human responds differently to the urge for closeness: Some suppress it, while others automatically embrace it. Psychologists categorize these different responses into “attachment styles,” which are the beliefs and behaviors that determine how you function in intimate relationships. There are three main attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant.

• Secure attachers are nurturing, responsive, and comfortable with intimacy.
• Anxious attachers are preoccupied with making their relationship solid and constantly seek reassurance from their partner.
• Avoidant attachers are more distant and see intimacy as a threat to their independence.

(Shortform note: Because Levine and Heller popularized the concept of attachment styles among romantic partners, we’ve used their terms (secure, anxious, and avoidant) throughout this guide. However, these styles have several different names: Secure is a universal term, but anxious attachment is also known as anxious-preoccupied attachment, and avoidant attachment is also known as dismissive-avoidant attachment.)

The Origins of Attachment Theory

The idea that adults attach to their romantic partners, which underlies Levine and Heller’s work, reflects attachment theorists’ contention that humans have attachment needs throughout their entire lives. However, attachment theory was originally developed to describe the relationship between children and their caregivers. It is rooted in research from the 1960s, when psychologists Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby—who are credited today as the founders of attachment theory— discovered the importance of parent-child bonding. By studying children raised in orphanages, they learned that providing kids with food and shelter isn’t enough: Kids who lacked a parent or attachment figure had a much higher chance of stunted physical, emotional, and intellectual development, even if they had adequate food and shelter.

(Shortform note: Romantic attachment theory is based on the premise that romantic relationships are like the attachment bonds formed between children and their parents. However, modern psychologists have pinpointed various issues with Ainsworth and Bowlby’s work—the foundational findings on which attachment theory is based. Namely, they argue that Ainsworth and Bowlby focused too heavily on the mother-child relationship and ignored other factors that we now know are more predictive of your development, like your temperament and social class. These criticisms of parent-child attachment may have implications for the study of adult romantic attachment.)

Why Attachment Matters

Levine and Heller argue that having an emotionally satisfying romantic relationship significantly improves your quality of life.

Many modern Westerners assume that in order to thrive, you must be self-sufficient. But, Levine and Heller contend, our partners help us thrive: Partners who satisfy our basic attachment needs—our deep-seated desires for security, comfort, and love—make us more independent, bold, and brave. This seems initially paradoxical: How does relying on someone else make you more independent? Attachment theorists explain that relying on someone who nourishes your emotional needs makes you feel safe: You believe that this person will catch you if you fall. And since you have this safety net, you feel emboldened to take the steps necessary to thrive.

(Shortform note: The idea that our...

Attached Summary Chapter 1: Understanding Attachment in Relationships

Many of the problems we face in our romantic relationships stem from our attachment systems, a mechanism in our brains that compels us to seek intimacy and closeness with a chosen partner—both physically and emotionally. Even though every human is wired with this urge for closeness, we respond to its pull in different ways. Some people feel the attachment urge and automatically want to resist it or suppress it. Others automatically embrace it. If two partners’ attachment responses fall on opposing ends of the spectrum, clashes are inevitable. But by understanding how attachment drives us, we can achieve less conflict and more harmony in our relationships.

Psychologists believe this brain wiring is an evolutionary adaptation. In prehistoric times, pairs of humans had a better chance of survival than any solo human, so genetic selection favored people who "attached"—or learned how to develop close bonds with others.

The fact that human attachment is an inescapable fact of biology gives rise to our differing methods of dealing with it. Although we all possess the innate desire to connect in a meaningful, nurturing way with a chosen partner, our beliefs and behaviors about...

Attached Summary Chapter 2: Dependency Doesn't Mean Weakness

Although research into attachment styles is still evolving, we know that the desire for attachment is wired into us. Further, the people we choose as our romantic partners have a huge impact on our ability to thrive in the world. They affect how we feel about ourselves and how much we believe in our own abilities.

Partners who satisfy our basic attachment needs—our deep-seated desires for security, comfort, and love—unwittingly give us the courage to go out into the world and thrive. In contrast, partners who don't satisfy these needs may stunt our ability to achieve our goals. They may even have a negative effect on our health.

The Dependency Paradox

It may seem like a paradox, but depending on another person will actually make you more independent, bold, and brave. According to attachment theory, when our emotional needs are nourished, we have no reason to be needy or anxious. In fact, we become much more daring.

This idea—that people become braver by depending on others—contradicts what most of us learn as we grow up. We’re taught that we should strive for self-reliance. Self-help books and psychology blogs are full of advice on how to be more emotionally...

Attached Summary Chapter 3: Decoding Your Own Attachment Style

As we saw in Chapter 1, the three attachment styles are secure, anxious, and avoidant. Once you know which attachment style is yours, you'll have a better understanding of the way you interact in romantic relationships.

Consider which of the styles described below best fits you:

Key Features of the Secure Attachment Style

• You're naturally loving and warm.
• You enjoy intimacy and closeness.
• You don't worry much about your relationships—you take the ups and downs in stride.
• You can easily communicate with your partner about your desires and needs.
• You're able to anticipate your partner's desires and needs, and you enjoy responding to them.
• You enjoy sharing life's successes and failures with your partner.

Key Features of the Anxious Attachment Style

• You love intimacy and closeness.
• Relationships are a big part of your life and take up a lot of your emotional energy.
• You often fear that your partner doesn't love being close as much as you do.
• You're extremely sensitive to changes in your partner's moods or behaviors.
• You're hesitant to say anything that...

Shortform Exercise: How Does Your Attachment Style Affect Your Relationship?

Once you’ve determined what your attachment style is, reflect on how you manifest that attachment style and what that means for your relationships.

List 3-5 of your common behaviors that clearly mark you as a secure, anxious, or avoidant attacher.

Attached Summary Chapter 4: Decoding Your Partner's Attachment Style

Whether you’re starting out in a new relationship or struggling to find harmony in a decades-long marriage, understanding your partner's beliefs and attitudes about intimacy can save you a lot of emotional struggle.

Since evolution has assigned our romantic partners the job of being our secure base, it follows that if you want to thrive, you should find the most dependable and secure partner. Maybe you’re on your third date and you’re wondering whether this new relationship holds promise for a sustainable future. Once you get an accurate picture of this new person's capacity for intimacy, you'll stop wondering, "Does he or she really like me?" and start asking a more important question: "Is this person able to give me the emotional support I need?" Because if the answer to the second question is no, the answer to the first is irrelevant.

Or perhaps you and your long-term partner have never succeeded in finding a peaceful equilibrium, but you can’t figure out why. By determining your partner’s attachment style—and knowing your own—you’ll finally understand what lies at the root of your conflicts.

Determining another person's attachment style is slightly more difficult...

Shortform Exercise: How Does Your Partner’s Attachment Style Affect You?

Once you’ve determined what your partner’s attachment style is, reflect on how he or she manifests that attachment style and what that means for you.

List 3-5 of your partner’s common behaviors that mark him or her as a secure, anxious, or avoidant attacher. For each behavior, give an example of a recent incident in which he or she exhibited that behavior.

Attached Summary Chapter 5: Your Life as an Anxious Attacher

In the next three chapters, we’ll look at how each attachment style plays out in a relationship, starting with the anxious attachment style and then moving on to avoidant and secure.

Anxious attachers seem to have been born with extra-sensory relationship perception. Their attachment systems are too highly tuned, making them overly attentive to other people's emotional states. They’re perpetually on guard, so they zero in on even the slightest perceived threats. They believe their very survival depends on the success of their partnership.

How Anxious Attachers React to Their Partners

The anxious attachment style comes with high stakes. If you're an anxious attacher, your relationship is so important to your sense of well-being, you’ll do almost anything to bring your partner closer, both physically and emotionally. Unfortunately, that means you may create some unproductive drama.

If you're an anxious attacher, you experience the following fairly often:

• Difficulty focusing on anything besides your current relationship.
• Idealizing your romantic partner—overestimating their good qualities and underestimating your own.
• Feeling anxious whenever...

Attached Summary Chapter 6: Your Life as an Avoidant Attacher

If you're in the 25 percent of the population with an avoidant attachment style, you aren't free of the basic tenets of attachment theory. All humans—including you—need physical and emotional proximity to an attachment figure. However, your behavior is probably stopping you from finding a stable, happy relationship and fulfilling your deep-seated desire to connect with a partner in a meaningful way.

Any avoidant reading this will likely wonder if they're the exception to the rule—is it possible they were born without that particular gene? But research shows that even avoidants have a desire to attach to others:

The research: As a way of accessing the unconscious minds of avoidant attachers, psychologists have them participate in word recognition tests. In these tests, words flash quickly across a screen, and researchers record how long it takes the subjects to recognize and report each word.

They’ve discovered that avoidant subjects' brains are highly tuned in to words that express need, desire, closeness, dependency, or marriage. The avoidants describe these words as having threatening or negative connotations. But avoidants are much slower to notice words that...

Attached Summary Chapter 7: Your Life as a Secure Attacher

If you're currently looking for love, remember this happy statistic: More than half of the population are "super mates" who have a secure attachment style. These dependable partners use effective communication to get their needs met without putting others on the defensive. They pay attention to their partner’s needs and can easily respond to them. They have a natural gift for easing others' emotional and physical worries.

The research: A secure attachment style is the single best predictor of happiness in any relationship. When both partners have a secure attachment style, they report high levels of fulfillment, commitment, and trust. Even when a secure partner is paired with an anxious or avoidant partner, both partners tend to report satisfaction with their relationship. The secure partner creates a buffering effect by bringing out the best in their anxious or avoidant partner.

How Secure Attachers React to Their Partners

Secure attachers come in all ages, genders, shapes, and sizes, but they have a few things in common: Other people, including potential romantic partners, aren’t threatening to them. They are predisposed to expect their partners to love...

Attached Summary Chapter 8: When Anxious and Avoidant Attachers Collide

We've seen that secure attachers can often make any kind of relationship work. Through their good modeling, an anxious or avoidant partner may rise to the secure partner's level. In a perfect world, every relationship would contain at least one naturally secure partner, but too often, that's not the case. The most volatile combination is when anxious attachers get involved with avoidant attachers. With neither partner being a naturally secure base, frequent conflicts erupt over trivial, everyday issues. At the crux of the chronic strife is a seemingly irreconcilable clash over intimacy.

Signs of an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship

If you're part of an anxious-avoidant pairing, you'll likely experience these conditions:

• An abundance of highs and lows. Periods of extreme closeness are followed by extreme withdrawal.
• A "stably unstable" pairing. The relationship may last for years, but it's always off-kilter...

Attached Summary Chapter 9: How Anxious-Avoidant Pairs Can Find Resolution

Although anxious-avoidant partnerships face abundant conflicts, that doesn't mean the only solution is to break up. Typically, an anxious-avoidant pairing can succeed if the anxious partner makes frequent concessions and lets the avoidant partner run the show—or determine how and when intimacy is achieved. (See "When to Lower Your Expectations" below.)

However, there are two healthier ways for anxious-avoidant couples to achieve a happier ending—if they’re both willing to make an effort. Both partners can: 1) find good role models and mimic their behavior, and 2) take a good hard look at their past relationships.

1. Find Good Role Models and Copy Them

Research tells us that it's possible for someone's attachment style to change over time—for example, an avoidant or anxious partner could become more secure. One way this can occur is through "security priming," which is essentially role-modeling of how secure people interact and behave.

First, both the avoidant and anxious partner must each find a role model—someone who has a comfortable and secure way of dealing with their romantic partner. It might be a friend, a coworker, or a sibling. **The avoidant...

Shortform Exercise: Find Good Role Models and Copy Them

Security priming is role-modeling how secure people interact and behave. To behave like a more secure partner, emulate people you know who have a comfortable and secure way of dealing with their romantic partner.

Name two people you know who you think have secure relationships with their partners.

Attached Summary Chapter 10: When and How to End Your Anxious-Avoidant Relationship

We've seen that anxious-avoidant partnerships result in unavoidable conflict. In the worst-case scenario, the chronic clashes between anxious and avoidant partners escalate to the point that the relationship is toxic and destructive. This typically takes the form of verbal and emotional abuse.

At this point, your only recourse is to end the relationship—for the sake of your own mental health. Unfortunately, anxious-avoidant couples often have an extremely hard time finding the strength to break up even when the relationship has become harmful.

Avoidants May Withhold Sex

A common sign that an anxious-avoidant relationship is veering toward toxicity is the couple's sex life—or lack of it. For starters, avoidant attachers are more likely to cheat on their partners than secure or anxious attachers. But even when an avoidant partner is faithful, sex may become problematic because the avoidant will withhold it from their anxious partner. This may not be a conscious choice; the avoidant partner will just lose sexual interest in their partner. This in turn elevates the anxious partner’s anxiety.

Consciously or unconsciously, the avoidant is trying to do what he or...

Attached Summary Chapter 11: Communicate Like a Secure Attacher

Whether your attachment style is anxious or avoidant, learning to communicate like a secure attacher will help you thrive in your intimate relationships. If you’re seeking a new partner, communicating directly and honestly can help you choose the right one—someone who is genuinely concerned with your interests and desires. Once you're in a relationship, it helps to ensure your needs are met. And there’s a bonus attached: Every time you communicate like a secure attacher, you’re setting a good example and encouraging openness and honesty in your relationship.

Secure attachers express their needs and expectations directly and in a nonthreatening, inoffensive, noncritical manner. For example, if they want affection, they gently ask for a kiss or a hug. If they think their partner is brooding over something, they ask questions about what they’re feeling. If they aren't sure where the relationship is headed in the future, they state what they would like to occur and they ask their partner what their goals are.

What Effective Communication Sounds Like

Follow these principles of effective communication:

1. Be brave and assertive. Complete honesty about your...

Shortform Exercise: Make a Script for Tough Conversations

To communicate effectively with your partner, think carefully about the words you'll use. Just like you'd prepare before giving a presentation to your boss, it's not overkill to prepare your words before an important relationship conversation.

Think about a specific conflict that occurred recently in your relationship—one that either resulted in an argument or just left you feeling uncomfortable or unloved. What were your partner's specific words or actions that hurt your feelings?

Attached Summary Chapter 12: Handle Day-to-Day Conflicts Like a Secure Attacher

Many of us think that the best relationships don't involve arguing or conflict, but that's a romantic myth. Numerous studies have proved that even the most secure couples have arguments, and they often serve as opportunities for growing closer. The key is handling them constructively by applying the communications skills of a secure attacher.

Conflict between partners comes in two flavors: intimacy-related disagreements and daily-life disagreements. The former are the complex relationship problems that are discussed throughout this summary. The latter are more trivial issues, like who will make dinner or take out the trash. As we've seen, both types of disagreements may be connected—an argument about where to go on vacation may actually be an argument about intimacy. But even when daily-life conflicts aren't symptomatic of a much deeper conflict, it’s still helpful to have solid strategies for managing them.

The Secure Attacher's Playbook: How to Defuse Relationship Conflicts

No matter your attachment style, follow these communication tips to handle daily-life conflicts and disagreements in a way that will bring you closer:

• **Show a genuine concern for...

Shortform Exercise: Rewind Your Last Argument

Effective communication is useful in all kinds of situations, but it’s especially important during an argument. In this exercise, you’ll examine your communication skills during conflict.

Think about the last significant disagreement or argument you had with your partner. Briefly describe what the conflict was about and how it got resolved (or didn’t).