Book Summary13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do, by Amy Morin

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do

There are countless books telling parents how to give their children the best possible upbringing, but psychotherapist Amy Morin realized that there were few—if any—warning parents about what not to do. That’s why she wrote 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do, describing 13 common mistakes and how to avoid them. Morin also gives detailed explanations about why those mistakes can derail even the best parents and suggestions about what to do instead.

Morin is a psychotherapist, a lecturer at Northeastern University, and the author of several books, including the best-selling 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do. With a background in psychology and mental health counseling,...

13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do Summary Introduction: What Does “Mentally Strong” Mean?

Since this is a guide to mentally strong parenting, we’ll start by defining what mentally strong means.

Morin describes mental strength as a combination of self-awareness and self-control. This means you have a good understanding of your thoughts, feelings, values, and abilities, as well as your needs and your shortcomings. You’re also able to use that understanding of yourself to make decisions that lead to a happy and fulfilling life—or, in this case, decisions that set your child up to build such a life.

For example, it’s a common misconception that strong people can handle everything on their own. However, if you’re truly mentally strong, you’ll know when you need help with something and won’t be ashamed to ask for that help. In the case of parenting, this might mean knowing when it’s time to seek advice from other parents or from an expert to address an issue your child is struggling with....

13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do Summary Managing Expectations and Consequences

Several of Morin’s tips relate to managing expectations—your own and your child’s—and setting appropriate consequences for when those expectations aren’t met. In this section we’ll discuss:

• Why perfectionism does more harm than good
• Why your child needs the freedom to make mistakes
• Why responsibilities are necessary for a child’s growth
• The difference between punishment and discipline

Mentally Strong Parents Aren’t Perfectionists

One of Morin’s tips for parents is not to expect—or worse, demand—perfection from their children.

Morin clarifies that having high expectations is healthy; high expectations will push your child to do their best, and build their self-esteem by letting them know what you believe they’re capable of. However, perfectionism has the opposite effect: It sets impossible standards that will discourage and frustrate your child. Even worse, if you expect perfection, you might inadvertently teach your child that mistakes are unacceptable; that any mistake will lead to punishment and rejection. Therefore, it’s important to push for greatness, but not perfection.

(Shortform note: Psychologists say that [perfectionism and anxiety are closely...

13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do Summary Letting Children Experience Hardship

As a parent, it may be tempting to protect your child from hardship and discomfort. However, Morin says that experiencing hardship is a crucial part of growing up: Children need to learn that they will struggle at times, and overcoming problems helps them build the confidence they’ll need to face challenges later in life.

Mentally Strong Parents Aren’t Overprotective

It’s natural to want to shield your child from hardship. However, Morin says that not letting children experience pain—both physical and emotional—sends the message that they’re too weak and fragile to deal with such pain. This often leads to adults who spend their whole lives trying to avoid ever feeling bad and resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms like drugs to do so.

Therefore, mentally strong parents allow their kids to experience adversity, then provide the guidance and support they need to cope with it. This way, their children build confidence in their ability to handle pain and hardship, rather than becoming afraid of it.

For example, an overprotective parent might forbid their child from trying out for the school soccer team because they’re afraid that their kid will get hurt. The child...

13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do Summary Maintaining the Home’s Hierarchy

Along with protecting your child from hardship and discomfort, you might be tempted to do whatever else you can to make them happy. However, indulging your kid’s every whim can lead to a spoiled child and a miserable and unbalanced household. In this section, we’ll discuss Morin’s tips for avoiding that situation: Don’t overindulge your child, and don’t let your child’s decisions override yours.

Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Overindulge Their Children

Morin says that one sure way to disrupt the balance of power in your home (and to raise a spoiled, selfish child) is to treat your child like they’re the greatest person in the world by praising their every action and granting their every request.

She adds that, naturally, you want your child to be confident and strong-willed, but there’s a fine line between confidence and entitlement. A child who thinks they’re exceptional—more important or somehow better than their peers—is likely to grow into a self-centered adult who’s constantly frustrated that the world doesn’t just hand them everything they want.

(Shortform note: Morin warns against overindulgence because it can create feelings of exceptionalism and...

13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do Summary Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Lose Sight of the Big Picture

Morin says that, now more than ever, people tend to get so caught up in the demands of everyday life that they start forgetting the beliefs and values that are most important to them. This brings us to her final “don’t”: Don’t lose sight of the things that matter most.

The author advises you to occasionally step back and consider whether your child is learning the values you hope to teach them—does their behavior line up with your morals? If not, Morin says you may need to think about whether your behavior lines up with your morals, because your child will learn much more from how you act than from what you say. For instance, if you say that you value honesty, but frequently lie to your child to protect their feelings or avoid unpleasant conversations, you’re sending the message that convenience is more important than honesty.

To illustrate this point, Morin cites a 2014 Harvard study about values. Researchers surveyed parents about which values they most wanted their children to demonstrate, as well as asking teenagers what they thought their parents valued...

Shortform Exercise: Consider Morin’s “Don’ts”

Now that you’re familiar with Morin’s “don’ts” for parents, as well as some ideas about what you can do instead, consider how—or if—you want to implement these concepts in your own parenting.

Which of Morin’s “don’ts” do you think you struggle with the most?