Dating, Solved: Why Finding the “Right Person” Feels So Hard Now

Mark Manson and Drew Birnie delve into the evolutionary and biological factors that shape dating and attraction behaviors. Darwin's sexual selection theory alongside parental investment theory by Robert Trivers provide the backbone for understanding these complex dynamics.

Humans Evolved Sexual Selection Strategies to Maximize Reproduction

Peacock Example: Physical Traits Attract Mates, Not Just For Survival

Manson highlights the role of sexual selection in evolution, using the example of a peacock, whose large and bright feathers are evolved not for survival but to attract mates. Darwin’s sexual selection theory suggests that the attraction of mates is a natural force that determines gene propagation alongside the survival of the fittest.

Parental Investment Theory Explains Gendered Strategies

Higher Female Investment in Pregnancy Leads to Choosiness

The disparity between male and female investments in offspring heavily influences reproductive strategies. Women experience considerable obligatory investment, including nine months of pregnancy, vulnerability, and extended lactation and childcare periods. Because of this substantial investment and limited fertility window, women evolve choosiness to secure the best possible partner, Manson explains.

Lower Male Investment Increases Mating Competition

For men, the minimum investment required for pregnancy is significantly less, which historically led to competition over access to fertile females. Manson facetiously remarks that a man’s minimal investment could be as trivial as "rolling over and making himself a sandwich." Because the physical contribution and risks for men are minimal in comparison to those borne by women, male psychology tends to revolve around competition and aiming to gain sexual access with fewer resource investments. Women, on the other hand, limit sexual access to extract the maximum possible investment from potential partners.

Evolution of Biparental Care Influenced Human Mating Strategies

Manson and Birnie acknowledge that while differences in male and female sexual strategies are rooted in biology, humans display a mix of short-term and long-term mating ...

In the quest for romantic relationships, men and women exhibit different strategies. This analysis based on the insights of Manson, Birnie, and others, reveals how evolutionary behaviors inform these strategies.

Men Prioritize Initiating Access for Sexual Opportunities

Men’s mating approach revolves around the need to assert themselves and gain attention in a competitive environment.

Men Compete to Display Status and Attract Women

Research by David Buss and others, as summarized by Mark Manson, shows that men chase short-term sexual strategies more often than women. Men, feeling the pressure due to there being more fertile males than females, resort to showy behaviors like displaying wealth or power—flaunting a new car on a Friday night or competitive acts to impress women—all of which are part of the intra-sexual selection processes. Costly signaling theory underpins these displays as it posits that signals of sexual or status appeal must be costly to be credible, varying by environmental resource availability. Additionally, men's attraction is often geared towards physical appearance as a historic indicator of fertility.

Men clutch onto these competitive stratagems and even after securing long-term partners, some continue to seek short-term sexual opportunities. Misinterpretation of social cues can lead to overestimation of a woman's interest, feeding into their competitive instincts.

Women Evaluate Mates for Long-Term Investment and Loyalty

Conversely, women prioritize finding partners who promise long-term investment and reliability.

Women Detect Red Flags and Trustworthiness Better

Women tend to be more selective due to the higher costs associated with choosing a partner. As the potential of manipulation looms, women’s mating strategies skew towards ensuring a man is willing to invest resources in the offspring. Women value traits like resourcefulness and success, with even high-achieving women favoring kindness, as these traits indicate a man's potential for long-term support. Women are attracted to men who possess the potential for resource acquisition rather than just ...

Drew Birnie and Mark Manson explore the complexities of modern dating influenced by technology, economy, and social developments, underscoring the challenges and emerging positive trends.

Dating Is More Complex due to Apps and Economic/Social Changes

Manson suggests that modern dating is becoming more complex due to the increase in choice brought about by economic security, consistent financial options, larger populations, and mobility since the industrial era. He further discusses the impact of the Enlightenment and ideas on human flourishing, reflecting how these contribute to the search for happiness in romantic relationships.

Choice Paradox: Abundance Causes Dissatisfaction

Manson and Birnie emphasize the paradox of choice in modern dating, suggesting that abundance can lead to dissatisfaction. As individuals navigate an expanded pool of potential partners, they are challenged by the variety of options, which often leads to second-guessing and regret. Manson criticizes how dating apps facilitate superficial selection, streamlining individuals into profiles, and missing nonverbal cues essential for attraction. The illusion of endless options makes people less tolerant of imperfections in potential matches and less satisfied with their choices.

Ideological Divides and Economic Barriers Complicate Modern Dating

Economic barriers are highlighted with the mention of the high average cost of a date, as well as significant political divides that now affect dating preferences. Manson references the economic and educational advancements of women under the age of 40, leading to higher standards and choosiness, which may overwhelm some men. Manson implies a shift in expectations post-Enlightenment, where individuals seek multifaceted partners to fulfill various roles, further complicating modern dating.

Current Dating Challenges and Emerging Positive Trends

Despite the perceived negative trends in modern dating, such as the emergence of terms like ghosting and breadcrumbing, there are also positive developments emerging.

Activity Dates, Signal Apps, and In-person Interactions Offer Hope

Birnie talks about the growth of activity-based dating, such as run clubs for singles, and curated events based on interests, as ways to meet pot ...

Mark Manson and Drew Birnie delve into the contrasting dating advice landscapes tailored to men and women, describing how these differing paradigms often lead to miscommunication and dissatisfaction in romantic encounters.

Men's Dating Advice Often Centers On Tactics and Manipulation For Sex

Confidence, Status Signaling, and Boundary Pushing Overemphasized

Manson and Birnie discuss how men’s dating advice often emphasizes confidence, status signaling, and assertiveness, with prescribed behaviors ranging from deciding where to go on dates to when to initiate physical contact. Manson criticizes some figures in the men's dating advice sphere for suggesting that men must be physically intimidating to be respected by women. He notes that this is only applicable in unsafe environments and can come off as aggressive in more secure settings.

Men are advised to display confidence as a proxy for mate value, asserting themselves in the face of competition, and using escalation, decisiveness, and leadership as core components of attraction. Birnie describes the core curriculum for men as centering on approach and initiation, despite the anxiety it might cause. Pickup artist techniques, which often promote manipulation to achieve sexual conquests, can lead to inauthentic interactions and result in both participants feeling unfulfilled.

Birnie and Manson talk about "The Mystery Method," recalling how its regimented steps for interaction felt absurd. They address the harmful nature of treating interactions with women like algorithms, such as following specific timelines for calling or touch, leading to unnatural and tactical behavior. Manson states that men who struggle with dating tend to over-intellectualize these interactions, which ultimately comes across as inauthentic and unattractive.

This Can Lead To Inauthentic and Unsatisfying Interactions

Such inauthentic interactions encouraged by men's dating advice can repel others due to their performative nature. Manson discusses the pitfalls of overcompensation, like following rigid formulas for interacting with women. He highlights that many men are drawn to these methods out of a lack of exposure to quality interactions with women, which causes an uncomfortable emphasis on pushing boundaries.

Manson suggests that much dating advice implies women are not human or somehow fundamentally different, which is fundamentally untrue. He stresses that treating women as people and talking to them as such would be far more effective than the tactics men are often advised to use.

Women's Dating Advice: Screening, Boundaries, Protective Strategies

Cynicism and Trust Issues in Relationships

Women's dating advice ecosystems, as outlined by Manson and Birnie, revolve around establishing boundaries, identifying red flags, and employing protective strategies. Women are counseled to approach dating with caution, valuing their time, looking for clear communication, and verifying that ...

Mark Manson and Drew Birnie discuss the nuanced approach required for successful dating and relationships, from appearing attractive and building confidence to maintaining healthy, lasting connections.

Pre-dating Skills: Appearance, Confidence, and Status Signaling

Self-Improvement Unlocks Opportunities but Yields Diminishing Returns

Manson emphasizes that appearance, confidence, and status signaling are critical factors that can either enhance or sabotage one's attractiveness in the pre-dating phase. While improvements can pay dividends, there's a psychological component where individuals question whether they are desirable partners. Appearance matters substantially, especially initially. For instance, research-backed ways to improve appearance include grooming fundamentals, appropriate clothing, fitness, diet, and being well-kept. Self-improvement is crucial, but once someone is independent and self-sufficient, overemphasizing the need to be amazing for dating is seen as unrealistic.

Confidence and Self-Worth Trump Status Symbols

Manson and Birnie note that confidence is the most impactful long-term skill for dating. Confidence boosts attractiveness as people assume positive traits like intelligence and trustworthiness when you're good-looking. There is, however, resistance to those who make extreme efforts in their appearance, suggesting potentially compensatory behavior. A man's confidence and self-assurance ultimately trump material wealth and status symbols, with genuine decency being more attractive than expensive possessions. Manson advises improving one's body language and communication skills rather than solely focusing on appearance.

Meeting and Attracting People: Honest Communication

Direct Attraction Over Flirting

Manson argues that clear and honest communication of intent is more effective and attractive than traditional flirting. Confidence is interpreted as a signal of psychological stability. Overconfidence, however, can backfire. Being forthright when asking someone on a date simplifies the process. Both Manson and Birnie agree that straightforward proposals, expressing interest directly, and sharing insecurities paradoxically lead to genuine confidence.

Reading Social Cues and Respecting Boundaries Is Crucial

Understanding social cues and respecting boundaries is essential. Manson discusses how to approach situations: one must read signals correctly, such as a woman's disinterest indicated by one-word answers and lack of eye contact. Recognizing social cues and politely disengaging when the interest is not mutual showcases character and intelligence. Birnie emphasizes giving one's date the option to decline, signaling respect for her boundaries and making her feel safe.

Sustaining Relationships: Trust, Regulation, Expectations

Trustworthiness and Reliability Are the Foundation For Connection

Trust is rooted in consistency and reliability. Manso ...