Social Comparison
In this episode of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck Podcast, hosts Mark Manson and Will Birnie examine social comparison and its deep roots in human psychology. They discuss how our brains evolved to constantly evaluate social standing, exploring the biological reward and pain pathways that activate when we compare ourselves to others.
The hosts analyze different philosophical approaches to managing social comparison, from Confucian acceptance of social hierarchies to Buddhist non-attachment. They also examine how social media has transformed social comparison in the modern era, creating what psychologists call a "leaderboard society." The episode covers practical strategies for making social comparison work productively, including how to learn from others' success rather than letting it trigger negative emotions.
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1-Page Summary
The Evolutionary and Psychological Foundations of Social Comparison
In this episode, Manson and Birnie explore how social comparison shapes human behavior and psychology. They explain that social comparison is an innate tendency that evolved to help humans navigate hierarchies and secure resources for survival.
According to Leon Festinger's social comparison theory, our brains possess an involuntary "social radar" that constantly evaluates our social standing. This comparison process activates both reward and pain pathways in the brain - when we outperform others, reward circuits light up, while being outperformed triggers social pain circuits.
Philosophical Approaches to Managing Social Comparison
The hosts discuss various philosophical perspectives on managing social comparison. In Confucianism, social hierarchies are viewed as natural and moral, emphasizing the importance of fulfilling one's role rather than individual advancement. In contrast, Buddhism sees social comparison as an illusory attachment that causes suffering and promotes non-attachment and compassion for others' success.
Manson explains that Aristotle distinguished between destructive envy (phonos) and constructive emulation (xelos), while the Stoics advocated comparing oneself to personal virtues rather than seeking external validation.
Digital and Social Media's Impact on Social Comparison
Social media has intensified social comparison by making it constant and global. Birnie points out that platforms like YouTube and TikTok have created what psychologists call a "leaderboard society," where likes, followers, and shares serve as constant status signals.
Manson notes that while social media feeds have become more personalized, focusing on specific interests rather than global celebrities, this can actually intensify peer comparison. The curated nature of these environments, they argue, distorts reality and leads to unrealistic comparisons.
Leveraging Social Comparison Productively
Manson emphasizes that understanding our goals enables productive comparisons with motivating role models. Rather than letting comparisons trigger negative emotions like envy and inadequacy, he suggests viewing others' success as learning opportunities. The hosts recommend celebrating personal progress over external benchmarks and surrounding oneself with positive influences while avoiding toxic comparisons.
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Clarifications
- The "social radar" refers to brain systems that automatically monitor social cues to assess our status relative to others. Key areas involved include the anterior cingulate cortex, which processes social pain, and the ventral striatum, linked to reward when we succeed socially. This neural circuitry helps us quickly detect social threats or opportunities without conscious effort. It evolved to guide behavior in complex social hierarchies essential for survival.
- Leon Festinger's social comparison theory, proposed in 1954, suggests people evaluate their own abilities and opinions by comparing themselves to others. This process helps individuals reduce uncertainty and improve self-understanding. It highlights that social comparison is a fundamental psychological mechanism influencing self-esteem and motivation. The theory laid the groundwork for studying how social contexts shape behavior and emotions.
- Aristotle used the term "phonos" to describe destructive envy that harms others out of resentment. "Xelos" refers to a positive form of emulation that motivates self-improvement by admiring others' virtues. This distinction highlights how envy can either damage relationships or inspire growth. Aristotle valued xelos as a healthy social emotion fostering personal development.
- Confucianism values social roles and harmony, seeing comparison as a way to fulfill societal duties and maintain order. Buddhism teaches that attachment to comparisons causes suffering, so it encourages detachment and compassion to overcome ego-driven desires. Stoicism focuses on internal virtues and self-improvement, advising individuals to measure themselves against their own standards rather than external success. Each philosophy offers a distinct approach to social comparison based on its core values and goals.
- A "leaderboard society" refers to a culture where people are constantly ranked and compared based on visible metrics like likes, followers, and shares. This ranking creates competition and pressure to perform socially and digitally. It mirrors a game leaderboard, making social status quantifiable and public. This environment can increase anxiety and influence behavior to seek approval through these metrics.
- Personalized social media feeds use algorithms to show content tailored to an individual's interests, interactions, and behavior. This contrasts with global celebrity-focused feeds that highlight widely popular figures and trending topics accessible to everyone. Personalized feeds create niche communities and emphasize peer content rather than mass appeal. This can intensify social comparison because users often compare themselves to people with similar lifestyles or goals.
- When we compare ourselves to others, the brain's reward system, involving dopamine release in areas like the ventral striatum, activates when we feel superior, creating pleasure. Conversely, social pain activates regions such as the anterior cingulate cortex, which processes emotional distress similar to physical pain. This dual activation helps motivate behavior to improve social standing or avoid negative feelings. These mechanisms evolved to enhance survival by encouraging social cohesion and competition.
- Destructive envy (phonos) involves resentment and a desire to harm others due to their success. Constructive emulation (xelos) motivates self-improvement by inspiring one to match or exceed others' achievements. Aristotle saw emulation as a positive force that drives personal growth without ill will. The key difference lies in whether the comparison leads to harm or growth.
- Non-attachment in Buddhism means not clinging to desires, outcomes, or self-identity. It helps reduce suffering by preventing emotional dependence on external validation or comparisons. When applied to social comparison, non-attachment encourages acceptance of others' success without jealousy or craving. This mindset fosters inner peace and compassion rather than competition or envy.
- Curated social media content is carefully selected and edited to show only the best moments, creating an idealized version of life. This selective presentation can distort users' perceptions, making others' lives seem more perfect or successful than they really are. As a result, viewers may develop unrealistic expectations and feel inadequate by comparing themselves to these polished images. This gap between online portrayal and real life can increase feelings of envy and dissatisfaction.
- To leverage social comparison productively, focus on setting personal goals that align with your values rather than competing with others. Use comparisons to identify specific behaviors or skills to improve, turning envy into motivation. Practice self-compassion and recognize that everyone’s journey is unique, reducing feelings of inadequacy. Limit exposure to sources that trigger negative emotions and seek supportive communities that encourage growth.
Counterarguments
- While social comparison may have evolutionary roots, it's also shaped by cultural and societal factors that can modify or override innate tendencies.
- The concept of an involuntary "social radar" is a simplification and may not account for the conscious control individuals can exert over their comparison processes.
- Confucianism's emphasis on fulfilling one's role might be criticized for potentially suppressing individuality and personal aspirations.
- The Buddhist perspective on non-attachment could be seen as impractical or challenging to implement in competitive modern societies.
- Aristotle's distinction between envy and emulation is subject to interpretation, and what constitutes destructive versus constructive can vary greatly between cultures and individuals.
- The Stoic approach to focusing on personal virtues may not always be feasible in a society that often rewards external achievements.
- The impact of social media on social comparison can be mitigated by individual differences in usage patterns and psychological resilience.
- The "leaderboard society" concept may overlook the ways in which social media can also foster community and support networks that are not based on competition.
- Personalized feeds could be argued to have benefits in connecting individuals with like-minded communities, which can provide support rather than just intensify comparison.
- The idea that social media always distorts reality may not acknowledge the genuine connections and authentic sharing that can occur on these platforms.
- The strategy of using role models for productive comparison assumes that individuals have the ability to consistently make rational and healthy choices in their comparisons.
- Celebrating personal progress over external benchmarks might not always align with the external validation required for professional success in certain fields.
- The advice to surround oneself with positive influences and avoid toxic comparisons may not be actionable for individuals in environments where they have little control over their social context.
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The Evolutionary and Psychological Foundations of Social Comparison
Manson and Birnie discuss the psychological and evolutionary mechanisms behind the ubiquitous social comparison, emphasizing its role in survival and hierarchical negotiation.
Social Comparison Is an Innate Tendency Evolved to Navigate Hierarchies and Secure Resources For Survival
Social comparison is an innate behavior deeply rooted in human evolutionary history. It has served as a means of assessing hierarchies and securing resources crucial for survival. The ubiquity of social comparison is heightened by its relativity, often causing motivating or tormenting experiences.
Leon Festinger developed social comparison theory, which describes this phenomenon. Chronic feelings of inferiority, or being "one down," are tied to stress disorders, stress hormones, inflammation, and an elevated risk of depression and anxiety. Mason explains that in primates, status obsession is linked to food, mates, and protection access.
He further argues that if someone can gather more resources, it is natural for them to be protected first, indicating a survival-based reason for social comparison. It is crucial for survival that individuals accurately assess their abilities compared to others in order to avoid social conflicts and maintain harmony.
Brains Assess Social Standing With Involuntary "Social Radar"
Social comparison processes are very unconscious and involuntary, suggesting that they are fundamental to our psychological makeup. Birnie notes a significant amount of brain power is dedicated to understanding status in social groups, with our brains evolving to manage these situations. This is proposed by the social brain hypothesis, which suggests that parts of the brain are specially adapted to make comparisons about hierarchy and resource allocation. Additionally, there's an automatic, unconscious mechanism within humans that continuously evaluates our social standing and abilities, akin to a "social radar."
Comparison Activates Reward and Pain Pathways, Motivating and Distressing Us
Social comparison can simultaneously activate pain and reward pathways within the brain. Recognizing someone's attainable success, like Barack Obama, can increase self-efficacy. However, comparisons can have a painful sting, tormenting us when we feel inadequate. Over obsession on group status can lead to internal torment. Yet, downward comparisons, where we perceive ourselves as doing better than others, naturally activate reward circuits, while upward comparisons, where others outperform us, activate social pain circuits.
Drew Birnie suggests that these two comparison types activate completely different ...
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The Evolutionary and Psychological Foundations of Social Comparison
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Counterarguments
- The interpretation of social comparison as an innate behavior may overlook the influence of cultural and societal factors that shape and possibly amplify this tendency.
- The assertion that social comparison is always linked to survival may be too simplistic, as modern social comparisons often concern non-survival-related aspects like status symbols or leisure activities.
- The idea that individuals must accurately assess their abilities to avoid conflict and maintain harmony could be challenged by the argument that cooperation and altruism, rather than competition and comparison, are also fundamental to group harmony.
- The social brain hypothesis, while supported by some evidence, is still a theory and other factors may also explain the brain's ability to manage social hierarchies and resource allocation.
- The claim that social comparison activates reward and pain pathways might be too deterministic, as individual differences in personality and context can influence how social compar ...
Actionables
- You can track your emotional responses to social comparison by keeping a journal to identify patterns and triggers. Note instances when you feel envy, pride, or admiration, and reflect on the underlying reasons. For example, if you feel envious when a colleague receives praise, consider if it's due to a personal goal you haven't met and how you can work towards it.
- Develop a habit of practicing admiration rather than envy by creating a 'role model' board. Pin pictures or quotes from individuals you admire for their achievements and use it as inspiration to set personal goals. This shifts focus from what others have that you don't, to what qualities you can cultivate in yourself.
- Engage in volunteer wor ...
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Philosophical and Practical Approaches To Managing Social Comparison
As Drew Birnie and Mark Manson delve into the various philosophical tenets addressing social comparison, they revel in how these ideologies can transform our approach to societal status and personal growth.
Eastern Philosophies: Confucianism vs. Buddhism on Social Comparison
Confucianism: Social Hierarchies as Natural Moral Order
Manson explains that Confucianism accepts the existence of social hierarchies, seeing them as a natural and moral order. People are encouraged to respect their given roles in the structure, which contribute to overall social harmony. In Confucian thought, the focus is on diligently performing one’s societal role, regardless of its perceived value, rather than on individual comparison. This emphasis on fulfilling one's duties is akin to the Great Chain of Being—an ancient Western concept that also posits a fixed divine order in society. Manson notes that under Confucianism, social comparison is more about improving relationships and maintaining social harmony than about individual advancement.
Buddhism Sees Social Comparison As Illusionary Attachment Causing Suffering, Promoting Non-attachment and Compassion For Others' Success
Contrasting with Confucianism, Buddhism views social comparison as a form of attachment that leads to unhappiness. Buddhists teach non-attachment and endorse mudita, or sympathetic joy, advocating happiness for others' successes to counteract envy. Manson relates the Dalai Lama's teachings on transitory emotions, reflecting the Buddhist stance that comparisons are meaningful only if we make them so. In Buddhism, then, social comparison offers a chance for greater compassion and joy for others rather than a means for self-advancement.
Aristotle and Stoics Advocated Wise Comparison For Growth
Aristotle Distinguished "Emulation" for Self-Improvement From "Envy" That Diminishes the Self
Aristotle is cited by Manson to have distinguished between envy (phonos) and em ...
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Philosophical and Practical Approaches To Managing Social Comparison
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Clarifications
- The "Great Chain of Being" is a hierarchical structure of all matter and life, believed to be divinely ordained, with everything having a fixed place from God down to minerals. It influenced Western thought by promoting social order and stability through acceptance of one's position. In Confucianism, this idea parallels the emphasis on social roles and duties as natural and morally significant. Both views discourage challenging the established order, focusing instead on harmony and proper conduct within it.
- Mudita is a Pali and Sanskrit term meaning "sympathetic joy" or "altruistic happiness." It is one of the four Brahmaviharas, or "divine abodes," which are key virtues in Buddhist practice. Mudita involves taking genuine pleasure in others' happiness and success without envy or jealousy. Cultivating mudita helps reduce negative emotions and fosters compassion and interconnectedness.
- In Aristotle's philosophy, "envy" (phonos) is a resentful feeling toward others' success, wishing to deprive them of it. "Emulation" (zelos) is a positive drive to match or surpass others' achievements through self-improvement. Envy harms both the envier and the envied, while emulation motivates personal growth. Thus, emulation is seen as a virtuous and constructive response to others' excellence.
- The Dalai Lama teaches that emotions are temporary and constantly changing, so we should not cling to them. He emphasizes mindfulness to observe feelings without attachment or judgment. This perspective helps reduce suffering caused by negative emotions like envy. By recognizing emotions as fleeting, we can cultivate compassion and joy for others.
- Seneca was a Roman statesman and philosopher known for his writings on Stoic ethics and practical advice on living virtuously. Marcus Aurelius was a Roman emperor whose personal journal, "Meditations," reflects his Stoic beliefs about duty, self-discipline, and rationality. Epictetus was a former slave turned teacher who emphasized inner freedom through controlling one's own judgments and desires. All three promoted focusing on personal virtue over external circumstances.
- Epictetus called social comparison a "disease of the soul" to emphasize that it harms inner peace and moral integrity. He believed that constantly measuring oneself against others causes anxiety and distracts from true self-improvement. For Epictetus, the soul's health depends on focusing on what is within one's control, like virtue, rather than external status. This metaphor highlights the spiritual damage caused by envy and insecurity.
- Confucianism views social hierarchies as natural and essential for societal harmony, emphasizing duties within fixed roles rather than individual ambition. Western views often focus on equality and individual rights, challenging rigid social orders. Confucian hierarchy is relational and moral, based on mutual respect and responsibility. This contrasts with Western ideas t ...
Counterarguments
- Confucianism's acceptance of social hierarchies might be criticized for potentially justifying rigid class structures and inhibiting social mobility.
- The emphasis on performing one's societal role in Confucianism could be seen as limiting individual freedom and self-expression.
- Buddhism's view on non-attachment could be argued to potentially lead to a lack of ambition or drive for personal improvement.
- The Buddhist concept of mudita might be difficult to cultivate in competitive environments where individual success is highly valued.
- Aristotle's distinction between envy and emulation could be seen as overly simplistic, as emotions are complex and can overlap.
- The Stoic focus on personal virtue and past achievements might be criticized for potentially leading to complacency or a lack of engagement ...
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Digital and Social Media's Impact on Social Comparison
Mark Manson and Drew Birnie explore how digital and social media fundamentally alter the nature of social comparison, with profound effects on self-perception and social structures.
Digital Age Intensifies Social Comparison Through Curated Information and Status Signals
Social Media and Digital Technologies Amplify Social Comparisons' Frequency, Volume, and Accessibility
Manson and Birnie discuss the omnipresence of social comparison in the digital age. Birnie points out that social comparison is now a constant and global phenomenon, bolstered by the audiovisual impact of platforms such as YouTube and TikTok. This globalized scale of comparison certainly overwhelms the brain’s capacity to process them healthily. Additionally, the permanence of content pushes a "leaderboard culture" where life's ups and downs become scorecards for public ridicule.
Mark Manson feels that current social media feeds are less about global comparison to celebrities and more focused on personal interests, which can lead to intensified peer comparison. Platforms have evolved to constantly project highly curated content that aligns with a user's immediate interests and activities. Birnie highlights the blurring of Dunbar's circles with digital technologies, which maintains comparison as a permanent fixture in our environments, while Manson's shift towards interest-focused content implies that although breadth in comparison might lessen, depth and intensity could increase.
Surprisingly, despite the advent of platforms promoting content discovery like the "For You" feed, which suggests content from unknown users, Manson feels that the curated nature of these feeds still prompts significant peer comparison, particularly among younger audiences who use these platforms as a socializing tool.
Psychologists have started to refer to our current era as a "leaderboard society," aptly capturing the competitive nature of social media that is laden with likes, followers, shares, endorsements, etc. This instant calibration of hierarchies contrasts sharply with the slower process historically experienced within real-life small communities.
"Leaderboard Culture: A Competitive Hierarchy Fueling Insecurity and Distortion"
"Leaderboard Culture" has been coined to describe the competitive hierarchy prevalent in social media, where likes and followers serve as status signals, fueling insecurity among users. This perpetual display of status reinforces and amplifies feelings of inadequacy and jealousy. Social media platforms not only mimic scorecards but are accused of aggravating feelings of moral outrage or indignation.
The concept of "leaderboard culture" specifically manifests in the proliferation of content that forces users to compare themselves unforgivingly against highly curated depictions of others' lives, often leading to unrealistic comparisons. This culture has become potentially damaging, particularly to young people’s developing sense of identity and self-worth.
Personalized Content Curation's Impact on Social Comparison
Tailored Feeds Limit Irrelevant Comparisons but Might Intensify Peer Comparison
The personalized content curation nature of platforms today limits exposure to irrelevant content but may exacerbate peer comparisons by channeling a narrow band of content based on individual interests. Manson's experience with his social media algorithms becoming focused on specific interests suggests that tailored feeds significantly intensify the experience of peer comparison, as they're laden with comparisons with individuals excelling in domains that the user cares about.
Birnie discusses the act of consciously curating social media feeds to manage the onslaught of comparisons. This act of cur ...
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Digital and Social Media's Impact on Social Comparison
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Clarifications
- Dunbar's circles refer to the layered structure of human social relationships, typically capped at about 150 meaningful connections. These layers range from close friends and family to more casual acquaintances, reflecting varying degrees of emotional closeness. The concept highlights natural limits on how many stable social relationships a person can maintain. In digital contexts, these circles blur as technology expands and intensifies social interactions beyond traditional limits.
- "Leaderboard culture" refers to the way social media platforms rank users based on visible metrics like likes, followers, and shares, creating a public hierarchy. This ranking system encourages competition and comparison, often leading users to equate their self-worth with their online status. It can distort reality by emphasizing popularity over genuine personal value or achievements. The constant visibility of these rankings can increase anxiety, insecurity, and social pressure among users.
- The "audiovisual impact" refers to how videos combine sight and sound to create more immersive and emotionally engaging content than text or images alone. This sensory richness makes achievements, lifestyles, or appearances seem more vivid and real, intensifying feelings of envy or inadequacy. The dynamic, fast-paced nature of these platforms also encourages constant attention and comparison. This heightened emotional response can make social comparisons feel more immediate and impactful.
- Instant calibration of hierarchies means social status is assessed immediately through likes, followers, and shares, unlike traditional communities where status developed slowly through long-term relationships and actions. This rapid feedback can heighten anxiety and insecurity because social worth feels constantly judged and unstable. Traditional status processes allowed for deeper, more nuanced understanding of a person’s value, fostering stronger social bonds. Instant digital hierarchies often prioritize surface-level popularity over meaningful qualities, impacting self-esteem and social dynamics.
- "For You" feeds use algorithms to analyze user behavior, such as likes and watch time, to recommend new content tailored to individual preferences. These algorithms prioritize engagement by showing videos likely to keep users watching, often from creators they don't follow. This discovery method exposes users to a wider range of content but still filters it based on past interactions, reinforcing specific interests. As a result, it can intensify social comparison by continuously presenting relevant but competitive content.
- Curated content is selected and organized by algorithms or people to match a user's interests and preferences. Non-curated content is presented without filtering or personalization, showing a broader, more random range of information. Curation aims to increase engagement by showing relevant material but can limit exposure to diverse perspectives. This selective presentation shapes what users see, influencing their perceptions and comparisons.
- Personalized content curation uses algorithms to show users content closely aligned with their interests and behaviors. This narrows the range of comparisons to peers excelling in specific areas important to the user, making differences more salient. Because users repeatedly see high-achieving peers in these focused domains, feelings of inadequacy and competition intensify. The constant exposure to such tailored success stories amplifies social comparison ...
Counterarguments
- Social media can also foster positive social comparison, where users are inspired by others' achievements and motivated to improve themselves.
- The impact of social comparison may vary widely among individuals, with some being more resilient to negative effects due to personal factors like self-esteem or life satisfaction.
- The concept of "leaderboard culture" may be an oversimplification, as not all users engage with social media competitively or measure their worth by likes and followers.
- Some users may engage with social media in a way that promotes genuine connections and community building, rather than competitive comparison.
- The negative effects of social comparison on social media can be mitigated through digital literacy education, teaching users to critically evaluate the content they consume.
- The role of personal agency is significant; users have the choice to curate their feeds, engage with content critically, and set boundaries to protect their well-being.
- The assertion that digital content creates a "leaderboard culture" may not account for the diverse ways in which people use social media, including for activism, education, and to support causes.
- The idea that personalized feeds lead to unrealistic compariso ...
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Leveraging Social Comparison Productively
In discussing social comparison, Mark Manson points out that while comparisons to others are inevitable, they can be leveraged for self-improvement when approached with self-awareness and the right mindset.
Questioning Underlying Values and Motives in Social Comparisons
Understanding why we compare ourselves to others and what we hope to gain from it is crucial for using social comparison productively.
Understanding Your Goals Allows You to Direct Comparisons Toward Motivating Role Models
Manson emphasizes the importance of understanding your goals, as it enables productive comparisons with motivating role models. By looking up to individuals like Barack Obama or Oprah Winfrey, we can focus on personal achievement and what is truly valuable to us.
Understanding how Comparisons Trigger Envy, Inadequacy, or Arrogance For Growth Opportunities
Comparisons can trigger negative emotions like envy and inadequacy, but they also reveal our deeply-held values. By examining these reactions, as discussed by Drew Birnie, we can uncover the motivations behind our comparisons. Mark Manson's examination of the self-evaluation maintenance model sheds light on how comparisons affect our self-view, especially when we compare ourselves to others in areas we value highly.
Surrounding Yourself With Positivity and Avoiding Toxic Comparisons
Choosing the right company can help avoid toxic comparisons and support a positive self-image.
Viewing Others' Success As a Learning Opportunity
Manson suggests that emulation is a positive form of comparison where we can view others' successes as role models an ...
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Leveraging Social Comparison Productively
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While understanding personal goals can help direct comparisons toward motivating role models, it's important to recognize that not everyone has access to the same resources or opportunities as those role models, which can make direct comparison and emulation demotivating or unrealistic for some individuals.
- The idea of focusing on personal achievement and true values can be subjective and vary greatly from person to person, which means that what works as a motivating factor for one individual may not work for another.
- Negative emotions like envy and inadequacy are not always constructive and can sometimes lead to a negative spiral rather than opportunities for growth, depending on the individual's coping mechanisms and resilience.
- The self-evaluation maintenance model may not account for all aspects of how comparisons affect self-view, as individual psychology is complex and influenced by a multitude of factors beyond comparison.
- The suggestion to avoid toxic comparisons by choosing positive company assumes that individuals always have the freedom to choose their company, which may not be the case in certain environments like the workplace or family settings.
- Viewing others' success as a learning opportunity is a ...
Actionables
- Create a "Role Model Reflection Journal" where you write about the qualities and achievements of people you admire, focusing on how they align with your personal goals. This practice encourages you to actively seek out and reflect on the traits of your role models, like their work ethic or philanthropy, and consider how you can incorporate similar behaviors into your own life.
- Develop a "Comparison Emotion Tracker" app or spreadsheet to log your feelings when comparing yourself to others, noting the context and the values it challenges or supports. By tracking these emotions over time, you can identify patterns and triggers, which can help you understand and manage your reactions more constructively.
- Start a "Personal Milestone Celebration" rit ...
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