Comparing Yourself to Others, Solved
In this episode of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck Podcast, Mark Manson and Drew Birnie examine why humans compare themselves to others and how this behavior affects mental well-being. They explore the evolutionary basis of social comparison, explaining how our ancestors' need to understand social hierarchies for survival continues to influence modern human behavior.
The hosts discuss how digital technology and social media have transformed social comparison into a constant, worldwide phenomenon. They outline practical approaches for managing social comparison, including methods for curating one's digital environment and building meaningful real-world relationships. The episode covers strategies for turning potentially negative comparisons into opportunities for growth while maintaining psychological well-being in an increasingly connected world.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Nov 15, 2025 episode of the The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck Podcast
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1-Page Summary
The Psychology and Evolutionary Basis of Social Comparison
Mark Manson and Drew Birnie explore the evolutionary roots and psychological implications of social comparison. Birnie explains that our tendency to compare ourselves to others is deeply rooted in our evolutionary past, where understanding one's position in social hierarchies was crucial for survival, affecting access to resources and mates.
Social Comparison and Emotional Responses
According to Manson and Birnie, social comparison operates in two directions: upward and downward. Upward comparisons to those perceived as superior can either motivate improvement or trigger feelings of inadequacy. Downward comparisons, while potentially boosting self-esteem, might lead to complacency. The emotional impact of these comparisons is significant, with outperforming others activating reward circuits in the brain, while being outperformed triggers social pain.
The Impact of Digital Technologies on Social Comparison
Birnie describes how digital technologies have transformed social comparison into a constant, global phenomenon. He introduces the concept of a "leaderboard society," where social media platforms act as scoreboards ranking individuals through metrics like likes and followers. The curated nature of social media content, combined with its permanence, can amplify negative effects of rejection and embarrassment.
Manson notes that personalized "For You" feeds have somewhat localized the comparison problem by tailoring content to individual interests. However, this creates new challenges as people compare themselves more intensely within their specific domains of interest.
Managing Healthy Social Comparison Strategies
The hosts provide practical strategies for healthier social comparison. They emphasize the importance of self-awareness and understanding the values driving our comparisons. Drawing from Aristotle's concept of 'xelos,' they suggest emulating the good in others as a healthy form of comparison.
Manson and Birnie recommend curating one's digital environment by limiting exposure to content that triggers negative comparisons while seeking out inspiring role models. They emphasize the importance of prioritizing in-person connections over digital ones, suggesting that community engagement and real-world relationships contribute to healthier psychological well-being.
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Clarifications
- Humans evolved in social groups where status determined access to food, mates, and protection. Comparing oneself to others helped individuals gauge their social rank and adjust behavior to improve or maintain their position. This awareness increased chances of survival and reproductive success. Thus, social comparison became an ingrained psychological mechanism.
- Upward social comparison activates brain regions linked to motivation and self-improvement but can also trigger stress and feelings of inadequacy when the gap feels too large. Downward social comparison often engages self-enhancement processes, boosting self-esteem by perceiving oneself as better off than others. Both types involve cognitive appraisal, where individuals interpret comparisons based on personal goals and self-concept. Emotional responses depend on whether the comparison is seen as a threat or an opportunity for growth.
- Reward circuits in the brain involve areas like the nucleus accumbens and release dopamine, creating feelings of pleasure and motivation. Social pain activates brain regions such as the anterior cingulate cortex, which also processes physical pain, making social rejection feel emotionally painful. These neural responses evolved to encourage social bonding and avoid isolation. Thus, outperforming others triggers pleasure, while being outperformed causes distress.
- A "leaderboard society" refers to a culture where people are constantly ranked and compared based on visible metrics like social media likes, followers, or achievements. This ranking creates pressure to perform and conform to social standards to gain approval and status. It can increase competition and anxiety, as individuals feel judged and valued primarily by their position on these social "scoreboards." The concept highlights how digital platforms amplify social comparison beyond traditional, face-to-face interactions.
- Social media metrics like likes and followers serve as visible indicators of popularity and social approval. They create a quantifiable hierarchy where higher numbers suggest greater social status or influence. This ranking affects users' self-esteem and behavior by signaling how well they are accepted or valued by others. Consequently, people often adjust their online actions to gain more likes and followers, reinforcing the competitive nature of social comparison.
- Social media content is permanent because posts, photos, and comments remain accessible indefinitely, allowing past moments to be revisited or shared repeatedly. Curation refers to how users selectively present idealized versions of their lives, often highlighting successes and positive experiences while omitting struggles. This combination can create unrealistic standards, intensifying feelings of inadequacy or rejection when comparing oneself to others. The lasting visibility of content means negative experiences or embarrassing moments can have prolonged psychological impacts.
- Personalized "For You" feeds use algorithms to show content tailored to an individual's past behavior and interests. This customization narrows the range of comparisons to specific areas, intensifying focus on particular skills or lifestyles. It can increase pressure to measure up within these niches, as users see more relevant but potentially competitive content. Consequently, it may heighten feelings of inadequacy or motivation depending on the user's mindset.
- Curating a digital environment involves actively choosing what content and interactions you engage with online. This can include unfollowing or muting accounts that trigger negative feelings and following those that inspire or uplift you. Using platform settings to limit notifications and screen time helps reduce exposure to harmful comparisons. Additionally, setting intentional times for social media use prevents constant checking and emotional overload.
- In-person connections provide richer emotional cues like body language and tone, enhancing empathy and understanding. Physical presence triggers the release of oxytocin, a hormone that promotes bonding and reduces stress. Face-to-face interactions help build trust and deeper relationships, which support mental health. Digital interactions often lack these elements, making them less effective for emotional support.
Counterarguments
- The evolutionary basis of social comparison may not be the sole reason for its existence; cultural and individual psychological factors could also play significant roles.
- The dichotomy of upward and downward social comparison might be oversimplified; there could be more nuanced ways in which people compare themselves to others.
- The assumption that upward comparisons lead to motivation or inadequacy might not account for individuals who feel inspired by those superior without negative self-judgment.
- Downward comparisons might not always lead to complacency; they could also foster empathy and a desire to help others.
- The impact of outperforming or being outperformed on the brain's reward circuits could vary greatly among individuals, depending on their personal values and resilience.
- The concept of a "leaderboard society" may not fully capture the diverse ways in which people use and are affected by social media.
- Personalized feeds could also create echo chambers that reinforce existing beliefs and biases, which is a different kind of psychological challenge not directly related to social comparison.
- The strategies for managing healthy social comparison might not be universally effective, as they require a level of self-awareness and self-regulation that not all individuals may possess.
- The recommendation to prioritize in-person connections assumes that digital interactions are inherently less valuable, which might not be true for all individuals or communities.
- The advice to emulate the good in others based on Aristotle's 'xelos' might not resonate with or be applicable to all cultural contexts or personal belief systems.
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The Psychology and Evolutionary Basis of Social Comparison
Mark Manson and Drew Birnie discuss the psychology and evolutionary basis of social comparison, examining the innate human tendency to make comparisons and its implications for emotional responses and self-esteem.
Innate Human Tendency to Compare
Manson discusses feelings of disappointment upon learning that their podcast ranks lower than expected, reflecting on the inherent human tendency to compare ourselves to others. Birnie suggests that this pervasive and natural tendency stems from our ancient human ancestors and is observed in primate societies preoccupied with status and their position in the hierarchy. This concern has a profound impact on their access to resources such as food, mates, and group protection.
Evolutionary Roots In Navigating Hierarchies and Securing Resources and Mates
Birnie argues that there is an evolutionary reason behind our focus on social status, as it was a factor in survival and natural selection. Knowing one's standing in the social hierarchy is crucial for survival, with overestimation or underestimation potentially leading to social conflict or missed opportunities for advancement and securing resources or mates.
Manson and Birnie discuss the unconscious nature of social comparison, describing it as an innate mechanism deeply wired into our brains, stemming from an era where one's status directly impacted their chances of survival. For centuries, evolutionary adaptation promoted a keen awareness of one's status, leading to the development of the social brain hypothesis, which suggests that our large brains evolved to handle complex social dynamics, including the ability to compare ourselves to others.
Social Comparison Involves Both Upward and Downward Comparisons
Social comparison can lead to different outcomes depending on the direction. When making upward comparisons to those perceived as superiors, it can inspire motivation or provoke feelings of inadequacy. Downward comparisons to those perceived as inferiors may provide a sense of accomplishment or give rise to complacency.
Comparing To Superiors: Motivation or Inadequacy
Manson suggests that knowing someone superior does not diminish his own chances of doing great things, highlighting the potential for learning from those we admire. Downward comparisons stimulate reward circuits in the brain, invoking a sense of natural reward, while upward comparisons, tend to include a "pinch of pain." Surprisingly, the emotional response to the "silver medal paradox," where the silver medalist at the Olympics is typically less happy than the bronze medalist, illustrates this impact.
On a positive note, when comparing upward, envy can be a catalyst for growth and positive comparisons if one sees possibilities rather than focusing on inadequacies. Female Olympic sprinters showed improved times when training with male sprinters, which suggests that competing with or comparing to those perceived as superiors can serve as motivation to improve performance.
Downward Comparisons to Inferiors Can Provide Accomplishment or Lead To Complacency
When making downward comparisons, observing others who are worse off might evoke a sense of gratitude and an understanding of what not to do based on others' mistakes. However, Manson warns that it could also result in complacency or arrogance, which he elaborates on by discussing how people often talk about the negative aspects of upward comparison but ignore the pleasures of downward comparison.
Psychology of Social Comparison Involves Mixed Emotional R ...
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The Psychology and Evolutionary Basis of Social Comparison
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- The social brain hypothesis suggests that human brains evolved to be large and complex primarily to manage social relationships. It emphasizes that navigating social hierarchies and interactions required advanced cognitive abilities. This hypothesis links brain size to the demands of living in complex social groups. It highlights why humans are naturally attuned to social comparison and status.
- The "silver medal paradox" occurs because silver medalists compare themselves to the gold medalist, feeling they just missed first place, which causes disappointment. Bronze medalists compare themselves to those who did not win any medal, feeling grateful and satisfied to have placed. This difference in comparison targets leads to silver medalists experiencing less happiness than bronze medalists. The paradox highlights how upward and downward social comparisons affect emotional responses.
- Humans evolved in social groups where status determined access to vital resources like food, mates, and protection. Those who accurately assessed their social standing could avoid conflicts and secure better opportunities, increasing their survival chances. Natural selection favored individuals with brains wired to monitor and compare social status. This adaptive trait helped maintain group cohesion and individual fitness over generations.
- The brain's reward circuits primarily involve the release of dopamine in areas like the nucleus accumbens, creating feelings of pleasure and motivation. Areas associated with social pain, such as the anterior cingulate cortex, activate when experiencing social rejection or exclusion, similar to physical pain. These neural responses help explain why social comparisons can evoke strong emotional reactions. Understanding these circuits highlights how deeply social experiences affect our brain chemistry.
- William James's formula means self-esteem depends on how much you achieve (success) compared to how much you expect or desire (pretensions). If your achievements meet or exceed your expectations, self-esteem is high. If your expectations are much greater than your achievements, self-esteem drops. This highlights the importance of realistic goals for maintaining healthy self-esteem.
- The Adam and Eve narrative is often used to illustrate the origin of self-awareness and shame in humans. After eating the forbidden fruit, they became aware of their nakedness, symbolizing the emergence of self-consciousness and social evaluation. This story reflects how shame arises from understanding how others perceive us. It highlights the psychological impact of social comparison and the development of complex emotions tied to self-evaluation.
- Upward social comparisons occur when we compare ourselves to people we perceive as better off, which can motivate improvement or cause feelings of inadequacy. Downward social comparisons happen when we compare ourselves to those worse off, often boosting self-esteem but risking complacency. These comparisons activate different brain areas linked to reward and social pain, influencing emotional responses. The impact depends on whether the comparison leads to inspiration or negative self-judgment.
- E ...
Counterarguments
- The idea that social comparison is entirely innate could be challenged by cultural and societal influences that shape and reinforce comparison behaviors.
- The evolutionary basis of social comparison might not fully account for the complexity of human social interactions and the role of culture, education, and individual differences.
- The social brain hypothesis, while widely supported, is not the only explanation for the evolution of large brains in humans; alternative theories suggest that ecological challenges or other cognitive demands drove brain size.
- The notion that upward comparisons always lead to motivation or inadequacy might be too simplistic; individuals may also feel inspired or indifferent based on their personal goals and values.
- Downward comparisons might not always lead to complacency or arrogance; they could also foster empathy and a desire to help those perceived as less fortunate.
- The assertion that competing with superiors always improves performance could be contested by the idea that it might also lead to discouragement or burnout for some individuals.
- The emotional responses to social comparison are complex an ...
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The Impact of Digital Technologies on Social Comparison
The podcasters explore the complex ways in which digital technologies have reshaped the landscape of social comparison, turning it into a constant, global, and often curated phenomenon.
Digital Landscape Amplifies and Distorts Social Comparison Process
Drew Birnie comments on the transformation brought about by digital technologies, noting that social comparison is no longer occasional and local but has become a permanent and ubiquitous feature of our online lives. He uses the term "leaderboard society" to illustrate how social media platforms have become scoreboards that rank individuals, displaying metrics like likes, followers, and shares.
Curated Content and Social Media Distorts Reality
Birnie notes that social media content is highly curated and contrasts sharply with direct interpersonal interactions. This discrepancy is seen on platforms like Instagram, which are engineered to invite comparison between the user and the curated images of others. Mark Manson emphasizes the need for updated research to reflect the fast-changing reality of social media and its mental health implications.
Online Permanence and Virality Can Worsen Rejection and Embarrassment Effects
Manson adds that the permanent nature of online content amplifies the effects of rejection and embarrassment, turning momentary mishaps into persistent ordeals that can be relived and reshared across platforms like WhatsApp groups and TikTok. The possibility of going viral for the wrong reasons discourages social risk-taking, leading young people to become more risk-averse.
Personalized "for You" Feeds Reduce Global Comparison Problem
Manson discusses how the "For You" feeds on social platforms have changed the nature of social comparison by tailoring content to individuals' interests. These feeds have localized comparison by serving a narrow band of content based on topics people care about, reducing the globalized comparison issue.
People Compare Themselves To Others Within Their Interests and Domains
With content algorithms becoming increasingly focused on their interests, individuals are likely to compare themselves with others within their domains. Younger generations, who use social media for socializing, are more prone to negative mental health effects because they compare themselves to peers and individuals they know.
Unhealthy Compet ...
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The Impact of Digital Technologies on Social Comparison
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- The term "leaderboard society" refers to how social media platforms rank and display users based on quantifiable metrics like likes, followers, and shares. This ranking creates a competitive environment where people constantly compare their social status to others. It mirrors a game leaderboard, making social value visible and measurable. This visibility intensifies social comparison by turning personal interactions into public competitions.
- Curated content on social media means users or algorithms selectively choose and present only certain images, posts, or moments, often highlighting positive or idealized aspects. This selective presentation creates an unrealistic view of others' lives, as it omits everyday struggles and imperfections. It influences how people perceive themselves by setting unattainable standards based on these polished portrayals. Consequently, curated content can intensify feelings of inadequacy and fuel unhealthy social comparisons.
- "For You" feeds use algorithms that analyze your past interactions, such as likes, shares, and watch time, to predict what content you will find interesting. These algorithms prioritize showing you posts similar to those you've engaged with, creating a personalized stream of content. This personalization narrows the range of content, focusing on specific topics or styles you prefer. As a result, you see more content aligned with your interests rather than a broad, global mix.
- Peer-oriented platforms focus on interactions and content shared primarily among friends, family, and acquaintances, emphasizing personal connections. Media-oriented platforms center on content from celebrities, influencers, and professional creators, often designed for mass consumption rather than direct social interaction. Comparisons on peer-oriented platforms tend to be more personal and immediate, affecting mental health differently than comparisons with distant, often idealized media figures. This distinction influences how users perceive themselves and their social standing.
- Online permanence means that embarrassing moments or rejections are saved indefinitely, making them easy to revisit or share repeatedly. This can intensify feelings of shame or social anxiety because the event feels ongoing rather than temporary. Virality amplifies this effect by exposing the incident to a much larger audience, increasing public scrutiny and judgment. As a result, individuals may avoid social risks to prevent potential long-lasting humiliation.
- Social media algorithms prioritize content that generates strong emotional reactions, including moral outrage, because it keeps users engaged longer. Outrage-inducing posts often trigger comments, shares, and debates, increasing platform activity. This heightened engagement boosts advertising revenue by exposing users to more ads. Algorithms learn to promote similar content repeatedly to maximize user interaction.
- Globalized social comparison involves comparing oneself to a wide, diverse group of people worldwide, often leading to overwhelming and unrealistic standards. Localized social comparison narrows this focus to a smaller, more relevant group, such as people with similar interests or social circles. This narrowing can make comparisons feel more relatable but may also intensify competition within that specific group. Algorithms on social media often create localized comparison ...
Counterarguments
- While digital technologies have indeed made social comparison more constant and global, it's also true that individuals have varying degrees of agency in how they engage with these technologies. Not everyone experiences social media in the same way, and some people may use these platforms in a manner that minimizes negative comparisons.
- The concept of social media as "leaderboards" may not fully capture the diverse ways in which people use these platforms. For many, social media is a tool for connection and creativity rather than a competitive space.
- It's important to consider that curated content on social media can also have positive effects, such as inspiration and motivation, and not all users are negatively impacted by the discrepancies between online content and reality.
- The permanence of online content can indeed be damaging, but it also allows for positive experiences and achievements to be celebrated and remembered. Additionally, many platforms are now introducing features that allow content to disappear after a certain period, such as Instagram and Snapchat stories.
- Personalized feeds can help users avoid overwhelming amounts of irrelevant content and can create a more enjoyable and tailored online experience, which is not inherently negative.
- The assertion that younger generations are more prone to negative mental health effects due to social media may overlook the resilience and adaptability of these users, as well as the positive support networks that can be fostered online.
- The idea that exposure to successful individuals leads to unhealthy competition assumes a one-dimensional response to such content. Users may also find motivation and lea ...
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Managing Healthy Social Comparison Strategies
In understanding how to manage social comparison strategies, our hosts provide important insights into how we can change the nature of comparisons to be healthier and cultivate self-awareness, understanding the driving values behind our comparisons, and aligning ourselves with positive influences.
Cultivate Self-Awareness and Understand Values Driving Comparisons
Identify Areas and People For Self-Comparison and Reflect On Their Importance
The conversation underlines the importance of self-awareness and cognitive reinterpretation as a means to transform envy into admiration. This change in perception is considered essential and can be supported by techniques such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). The discussion reflects the role of factors like attainability and self-security in steering comparisons toward a path of inspiration. Notably, Drew Birnie talks about comparing oneself to one's past self, noting this to be a healthier and more adaptive approach leading to motivation towards personal goals and values.
Philosophers are cited as wrestling with social comparison management, implying the complexity and historical nature of this human behavior. Mark Manson and Drew Birnie delve into this, noting the importance of choosing internal, controllable values like honesty and integrity for healthier self-measurement and self-comparison. They emphasize that self-imposed measures, when applied to others, can often lead to a sense of threat if they outperform us.
Align Comparisons With Core Values
Aristotle's perspective on moral and virtuous comparison is mentioned, suggesting that living well within a community involves aligning comparisons with one's values. This involves seeking to emulate the good in others, a process termed 'xelos,' constituting a healthy form of self-comparison. Sartre's insights on self-comparison are also discussed, highlighting the idea that individuals have the power to define themselves independently of external comparisons.
Manson and Birnie stress the significance of understanding why someone might be admired or envied, often finding that the underlying value is usually one step further than it seems. Manson encourages comparing oneself to better people for positive reasons, such as finding inspiration in their positive characteristics.
Curate Your Digital Environment, Be Selective About Exposure
Limit Exposure to Content and People That Trigger Negative Comparisons
The podcast host advises that if one is overwhelmed by comparison, it is sometimes beneficial to cut oneself off temporarily from those influences. Such a decision promotes self-awareness and mindful reflection. The value of curating one's digital environment is discussed in relation to reduced negative comparison when using social media more passively.
Find Inspiring Role Models and Communities For Growth
Manson mentions the importance of admiring individuals who contrib ...
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Managing Healthy Social Comparison Strategies
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Counterarguments
- While self-awareness and cognitive reinterpretation can be beneficial, they may not be sufficient for everyone, especially those with deeper psychological issues that require more intensive therapy or intervention.
- Comparing oneself to one's past self can be healthier, but it might also lead to a lack of external benchmarks that can provide additional motivation and perspective.
- Philosophers' grappling with social comparison doesn't necessarily indicate the behavior's deep-rooted nature; it could also reflect the complexity of human psychology and the diversity of philosophical thought.
- Choosing internal, controllable values is ideal, but it can be challenging to maintain these values without external validation or feedback.
- Aligning comparisons with core values is a positive approach, but it may not account for the dynamic nature of personal growth, where values can evolve over time.
- The power to define oneself independently of external comparisons is empowering, but social creatures are inherently influenced by their environment and community, making complete independence challenging.
- Limiting exposure to negative comparisons can be helpful, but it may also lead to avoidance behaviors that prevent individuals from confronting and overcoming their insecurities.
- Curating one's digital environment is useful, but it can also create echo chambers that reinforce existing beliefs and limit expos ...
Actionables
- You can create a "values journal" where you document daily actions that align with your core values like honesty or kindness, helping you focus on internal growth rather than external comparisons. Start by listing your core values and then each day, write down at least one action you took that reflects each value. This practice reinforces your commitment to personal standards and diminishes the urge to compare yourself to others.
- Develop a "role model roadmap" by identifying individuals who embody the qualities you admire and charting out the specific traits and behaviors they exhibit that you wish to emulate. Instead of comparing yourself to these individuals, use the roadmap to set actionable steps for yourself, such as volunteering if you admire philanthropy, or taking a course if you value continuous learning.
- Initiate a ...
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