569. Family Conflicts, Difficult Children & Overcoming Resentment | Answer The Call
In this episode of The Jordan B. Peterson Podcast, Peterson and Mikhaila Fuller explore the psychological challenges of early parenthood, addressing common issues like parental guilt, exhaustion, and resentment. They discuss practical strategies for managing these challenges, including documenting positive parenting traits, organizing responsibilities sustainably, and encouraging age-appropriate independence in young children.
The conversation also covers broader parenting topics, such as maintaining personal beliefs while navigating family disagreements, adapting parenting approaches as children grow, and dealing with ideological influences in education. Peterson introduces tools for family planning, while Fuller shares insights about adjusting expectations when raising multiple children. Together, they examine how parents can create sustainable family environments while managing their own emotional well-being.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Aug 7, 2025 episode of the The Jordan B. Peterson Podcast
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1-Page Summary
Navigating Emotions and Psychological Challenges of Early Parenthood
Jordan Peterson and Mikhaila Fuller discuss the complex emotional landscape of early parenthood. Peterson acknowledges that parenting can reveal "the worst part of you," while Fuller notes that mothers often experience guilt regardless of their parenting success. To combat these feelings, Peterson recommends documenting positive parenting traits and writing out defenses against self-accusations. He emphasizes that resentment should be addressed through honest conversations with partners, as it often signals being overburdened or struggling with responsibility.
Managing Demands Of Raising Young Children
To prevent parental exhaustion and resentment, Peterson advises organizing the environment and responsibilities sustainably. He suggests allowing children as young as 18 months to handle age-appropriate tasks, fostering their competence while reducing the caregiver's workload. Fuller adds that seeking temporary caregiving relief is crucial, recommending that parents communicate their need for personal time. Both experts stress the importance of maintaining balanced diets and consistent schedules for children to promote calmness and cooperation.
Influence of Social and Ideological Factors on Parenting
When addressing societal and ideological challenges, Peterson encourages parents to maintain their personal integrity and truth, even when facing family discord. Using a caller's concern about her brother's gender transition as an example, Peterson and Fuller emphasize the importance of standing firm in one's beliefs while teaching children to think critically about diverse ideologies. They discuss homeschooling as a potential option for parents concerned about ideological influences in traditional education settings.
Parenting: Transitioning To New Roles and Stages
Peterson introduces the Future Authoring program at self-authoring.com as a tool for developing clear family visions. He recommends couples individually create plans and then merge them to form a superior shared vision. Fuller shares her experience of adjusting expectations with multiple children, noting how siblings can help care for each other. Both experts emphasize the importance of adapting parenting strategies as children grow and family dynamics evolve.
1-Page Summary
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Counterarguments
- While documenting positive parenting traits can be beneficial, it may not address deeper psychological issues that require professional support or therapy.
- Honest conversations about resentment are important, but they may not always lead to resolution without mediation or counseling, especially if communication patterns are deeply entrenched.
- Organizing the environment and responsibilities is helpful, but it assumes that all parents have the resources and time to do so, which may not be the case for single parents or those with limited support.
- Encouraging young children to handle age-appropriate tasks is beneficial, but it's important to ensure that these expectations are developmentally appropriate and do not place undue stress on the child.
- Seeking temporary caregiving relief assumes access to reliable and affordable childcare, which may not be available to all parents.
- Maintaining balanced diets and consistent schedules is ideal, but may not be feasible for families with limited resources or those dealing with food insecurity.
- Standing firm in one's beliefs is important, but it should be balanced with openness to new information and the ability to adapt one's views in light of evidence or persuasive arguments.
- Homeschooling is an option for some families, but it's not accessible or desirable for everyone and may not provide the socialization and diversity of perspectives found in traditional educational settings.
- The Future Authoring program may be a useful tool, but it may not be suitable for all individuals, and relying solely on such tools without professional guidance might not address all the complexities of family dynamics.
- The idea of merging individual plans to form a shared vision assumes that both partners have the ability and willingness to compromise, which may not always be the case.
- Suggesting that siblings can help care for each other can be beneficial, but it's important to ensure that this does not lead to older children shouldering too much responsibility at a young age.
- Adapting parenting strategies as children grow is crucial, but parents also need to be aware of and sensitive to the unique needs and personalities of each child, which may not fit into a one-size-fits-all approach.
Actionables
- Create a "Parenting Positives" journal where you write down daily instances when you felt proud of your parenting, no matter how small, to build a habit of recognizing your own successes and to counteract feelings of guilt.
- Keeping a journal can serve as a personal reminder of the positive impact you have on your child's life. For example, note down moments when you kept your cool during a tantrum or when you successfully taught your child a new skill. This practice can help shift focus from guilt to growth.
- Develop a "Family Task Chart" that includes age-appropriate chores for each child, updating it as they grow to foster independence and lighten your workload.
- Assigning tasks like sorting laundry for toddlers or setting the table for older children can teach responsibility and provide you with relief. You can make it fun by turning it into a game with rewards, such as extra storytime for completed chores.
- Start a "Family Ideals Workshop" where each family member, including children, can express their values and beliefs, leading to a collective family mission statement that respects individual integrity.
- This can be a weekly discussion where everyone shares their thoughts on topics like honesty, kindness, or learning. It's a chance to understand each other better and create a family environment where everyone's beliefs are acknowledged and respected. For instance, one family might decide that their mission is to support each member's educational pursuits, leading to dedicated study times and shared learning experiences.
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Navigating Emotions and Psychological Challenges of Early Parenthood
The psychological challenges of early parenthood are not uncommon, and many parents grapple with feelings of resentment, guilt, and inadequacy. These feelings are typically accentuated by the demands of parenting and the responsibility that it involves. Jordan Peterson and Mikhaila Fuller offer advice on how to navigate these emotions.
Address Parental Resentment, Guilt, and Inadequacy
Negative Emotions Normal in Early Parenthood
Raising children can highlight personal flaws and is acknowledged by Jordan Peterson as unveiling "the worst part of you." It’s a common experience, according to Mikhaila Fuller, that mothers feel guilty despite their achievements or the apparent smoothness of their parenting journey. Peterson notes that these feelings may also spring from an individual’s own tendency towards negative self-perception, which can be particularly pronounced when overwhelmed by the new demands of parenthood.
Combat Self-Criticism By Documenting Positive Parenting Traits
In early parenthood, the negativity towards oneself can take the form of harsh self-criticism. To combat self-criticism and guilt, Peterson recommends writing down the positive traits that make one a good parent. Furthermore, he encourages parents to write down every self-accusation and then write out a defense, as if defending a loved one, which allows for a more balanced self-assessment.
Openly Discuss Challenges With Your Spouse and Seek Support to Prevent Overwhelm
A caller, who is a parent of five — three biological and two foster children — expresses a struggle with temper regulation and experiencing resentment. Peterson suggests that resentment is a signal that the situation needs reassessment; it may either be due to being overburdened or a result of personal immaturity in handling responsibility. He stresses honest conversation with a partner to determine and resolve t ...
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Navigating Emotions and Psychological Challenges of Early Parenthood
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Counterarguments
- While documenting positive traits can be helpful, it may not address deeper psychological issues that require professional help.
- Writing down self-accusations and defenses might not be effective for everyone and could potentially reinforce negative thought patterns without proper guidance.
- The advice assumes that open communication with a spouse is always possible, but some individuals may not have a supportive partner or may be single parents.
- The focus on personal flaws and immaturity may overlook systemic issues that contribute to parental stress, such as lack of societal support, financial pressures, and inadequate maternity/paternity leave policies.
- The recommendation to discuss challenges with a spouse or close person assumes that everyone has a support network, which may not be the case for all parents.
- The strategies discussed may not be universally applicable across different cultures, so ...
Actionables
- Create a "positive parenting jar" where you write down one thing you did well as a parent each day and place it in the jar. This tangible collection of positive affirmations serves as a visual reminder of your successes, especially on tough days when you might feel inadequate or overwhelmed.
- Develop a "parenting playbook" with your spouse or support network, outlining common scenarios that trigger negative emotions and pre-planning constructive responses or solutions. This can help prevent feelings of resentment and guilt by having a go-to strategy for difficult situations, fostering open communication and shared responsibility.
- Start a "guilt audit" rout ...
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Managing Demands Of Raising Young Children
Jordan Peterson and Mikhaila Fuller offer perspectives on ways for parents to manage the responsibilities of raising young children without succumbing to exhaustion or cultivating resentment.
Streamline Environment and Duties to Prevent Exhaustion and Resentment
Tasks For Children to Increase Competence and Reduce Workload
Peterson advises the caller to organize their environment, discipline, and childcare responsibilities sustainably to avoid exhaustion and resentment. He indicates that resentment could mean that the caller may be inadvertently doing too much for their children. Peterson underscores the importance of letting children handle tasks they are capable of doing on their own to foster their competence and lighten the caregiver's workload. He suggests assigning responsibilities to children as young as 18 months, like setting the table, to help them quickly become capable and reduce the workload for the caregiver.
Enlist Support for Temporary Caregiving Relief
Mikhaila Fuller recommends that the caller, who has five young children, seek additional help. Fuller suggests communicating with the spouse about the strain of motherhood and expressing the need for a few hours of personal time. She proposes finding someone to provide a couple of hours of relief each day to give the caller a break, emphasizing that enlisting support fo ...
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Managing Demands Of Raising Young Children
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Counterarguments
- Assigning tasks to very young children, such as those as young as 18 months, may not always be practical or safe, depending on the task and the child's level of development.
- The recommendation to seek additional help assumes that the caregiver has access to resources, support networks, or the financial means to afford such help, which may not be the case for everyone.
- The idea of organizing the environment and responsibilities to prevent exhaustion might not address the root causes of stress and could potentially overlook the need for systemic or societal changes that support parents more holistically.
- The emphasis on maintaining a balanced diet and consistent schedule may not take into account the complexities of children's individual needs, preferences, and the reality of unpredictable life events.
- The suggestion to communicate with a spouse about the need for pers ...
Actionables
- Create a visual chore chart with pictures for young children to give them a clear understanding of their tasks and foster independence. For example, use images of toys for tidying up or a toothbrush for brushing teeth, which can help non-readers know what to do and when to do it, making the process fun and engaging.
- Develop a meal prep routine that involves children in the planning and preparation of their meals to teach them about nutrition and lighten your cooking load. You can start with simple tasks like washing vegetables or stirring ingredients, which not only educates them about healthy eating but also gives you extra hands in the kitchen.
- Use a shared digital calendar with your spouse to schedu ...
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Influence of Social and Ideological Factors on Parenting
Jordan Peterson and Mikhaila Fuller engage with callers about the difficulties parents face when addressing harmful ideologies in education and society, focusing on maintaining personal integrity and truth.
Shield Children From Harmful Ideologies in Education and Society
Parents today are increasingly concerned about the societal and ideological influences on their children, debating whether to address these issues head-on or protect them through alternative means.
Stand Firm In Beliefs Despite Family or Community Tension
One caller's concern revolves around handling her brother's gender transition, voicing hesitation to fully accept the new gender identity and struggling with how to explain the situation to her daughter without compromising her own beliefs. Jordan Peterson addresses this dilemma by reinforcing the importance of sticking to one's understanding of the truth, even in the face of family discord. He advises the caller to make a decision based on conscience and to trust that speaking the truth will ultimately lead to the best outcome, while cautioning that there may be a price for defying the consensus in the short term.
Mikhaila Fuller echoes this sentiment, supporting the caller's desire to reject what she perceives as false and to teach her child to discern the truth. Fuller emphasizes that maintaining one's truth is essential, and compromising could be detrimental to the caller's integrity.
Teach Children Diverse Ideologies for Critical Thinking
Peterson touches upon the broader topic of teaching children how to think critically about diverse ideologies. He discusses the importance of speaking the truth and not acquiescing to falsehoods, taking a clear stand against ideologies he views as harmful.
Consider Homeschooling or Alternative Education to Avoid Indoctrinatio ...
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Influence of Social and Ideological Factors on Parenting
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- Concerns about societal and ideological influences may sometimes stem from a lack of understanding or fear of change, and engaging with these ideologies could provide a more nuanced perspective.
- Protecting children from harmful ideologies might inadvertently shelter them from necessary critical thinking skills and the ability to navigate a diverse society.
- Standing firm in beliefs is important, but it should be balanced with openness to new information and the possibility of personal growth or change in understanding.
- While teaching children to think critically is essential, it is also important to ensure that they are not taught to dismiss or disrespect others' beliefs and experiences prematurely.
- Homeschooling or alternative education can be beneficial but may not be accessible or practical for all families and could limit children's exposure to a variety of viewpoints and social int ...
Actionables
- Create a family discussion club where you and your children explore a new topic each week, fostering an environment of open dialogue and critical thinking. Start by choosing subjects that are relevant to current events or your child's interests, ensuring that multiple viewpoints are presented. For example, if the topic is environmental conservation, you might explore different perspectives on climate change, including scientific, economic, and ethical angles.
- Develop a personal code of ethics to guide your actions and decisions, especially when facing societal pressure. Write down your core values and principles, and think about how they apply to various situations you encounter in daily life. For instance, if honesty is a core value, consider how you would handle a work scenario where there's pressure to compromise on the truth.
- Volunteer to mentor a young person in your c ...
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Parenting: Transitioning To New Roles and Stages
In discussing the evolution of parenting and the transformation of family roles over time, Jordan Peterson and Mikhaila Fuller offer insights on creating a cohesive long-term family vision and the necessary adaptations as families grow and face new challenges.
Create a Clear, Long-Term Vision for Your Family
Peterson emphasizes the importance of having a clear vision for your family to navigate through various stages of life smoothly. He mentions a program called Future Authoring at self-authoring.com, which helps individuals develop a vision for a multitude of aspects including family, career, and personal health over a span of five years. The program aids in strategizing and laying out specific questions that guide one toward their goals, despite the uncertainty of future outcomes.
Use Tools Like Future Authoring to Map Goals
He advocates for the utilization of future authoring as a tactical exercise to forecast and plan for family and personal objectives. Peterson stresses the efficacy of the tool, especially during transition periods, to layout a map for the future, acknowledging that while one cannot anticipate every detail, adjusting the plan while progressing toward it is part of the journey.
Co-create a Shared Vision With Your Spouse For Alignment
Understanding that managing a household and family demands can evoke feelings of resentment, Peterson advises using such emotions as a signal for misalignment and as a prompt for discussion with one's spouse. He encourages couples to co-create a shared vision, which involves each partner developing their Future Authoring plans, sharing them with each other, and then merging them to construct a coalesced, superior plan. This collaborative effort is to creatively solve problems and form a united front that surpasses individual visions without settling for compromise.
Adapt as Family Grows, Roles Shift, Challenges Arise
Adaptation is key in the evolving landscape of family roles and challenges. Mikhaila Fuller exemplifies this by recommending dietary adjustments ...
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Parenting: Transitioning To New Roles and Stages
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While having a clear vision for the family is beneficial, it's important to recognize that life can be unpredictable, and rigid adherence to a specific vision may not always be practical or healthy.
- Tools like Future Authoring can be helpful, but they may not be suitable for everyone, as individuals have different ways of planning and may find alternative methods more effective.
- The idea of co-creating a shared vision with a spouse is idealistic, but it may not account for deep-seated differences in values or goals that could be challenging to reconcile.
- The emphasis on adapting family strategies as children grow is sound, but it's important to also consider the individuality of each child and avoid one-size-fits-all approaches.
- Dietary adjustments for children are mentioned as a way to encourage a tranquil home environment, but it's important to note that diet is not the only factor influencing behavior and well-being.
- Situational analysis is useful, but it should be complemented with professional guidance when necessary, as parents may not always have the tools to fully ...
Actionables
- Create a family vision board by gathering images and phrases that represent your collective aspirations, then display it in a common area to keep everyone reminded of the shared goals. This visual representation can serve as a daily reminder and conversation starter, helping to keep the family aligned and motivated towards common objectives.
- Develop a "family growth chart" that tracks not only the physical growth of children but also milestones, achievements, and shifts in family dynamics. This can be a creative project involving all family members, where you add new elements during regular family meetings, fostering a sense of progress and adaptability.
- Implement a "conflict transformation" exercise where each fami ...
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