Likeability Expert: Stop Doing This, It’s Why People Quietly Avoid You! | Vanessa Van Edwards

Vanessa Van Edwards presents a three-level approach to building conversations that transform small talk into meaningful connections. Each level serves a specific purpose, progressing from ease and warmth to vulnerability and authenticity, and reflects a deep understanding of how conversational depth evolves.

Level One Builds Comfort By Discovering Facts and Infusing Questions With Story and Emotion Rather Than Autopilot Responses

Van Edwards explains that most traditional greetings and scripted questions like "How are you?" or "What do you do?" trigger autopilot thinking, resulting in stale, unmemorable exchanges. Fact-based questions—such as "Where are you from?" and "Are you married?"—act as stop signs for engagement; they fail to elicit stories or emotional connection and trap people in superficiality. To break through this inertia, she urges swapping these shallow questions for emotion-driven alternatives, aiming to provoke curiosity and create engagement.

Swap Shallow Questions With Emotion-Driven Alternatives to Break Autopilot Thinking and Create Genuine Engagement

Van Edwards suggests replacing predictable questions with those that encourage storytelling, such as "Tell me something good," "What was the highlight of your day?" "What's your personal passion project?" or "Any fun plans coming up?" These inquiries prompt optimism and excitement, inviting story and value sharing that makes both people more memorable. The aim is to infuse these early interactions with small doses of [restricted term] and conversational intrigue—what she calls "conversational confetti"—so they can compete with the distraction of digital feeds and keep people engaged.

She demonstrates the effectiveness of these openers in various contexts: prompting each team member in a meeting to share "something good" rapidly establishes a positive, safe social environment. At events where common work-related questions are banned, participants are forced into a "treasure hunt," seeking unique aspects about each other that result in deeper engagement and less boredom. Even in challenging environments such as PTA meetings or awkward social situations, these questions help generate warmth and connection.

[restricted term]-Worthy Conversation Stems From Questions Like "What's Your Passion Project?" and "any Fun Plans Coming Up?" That Seek Stories and Values, Competing With Digital Feeds

Van Edwards backs her insights with research, assigning networkers conversation starters and analyzing which create high-quality interactions. She finds that questions about exciting projects, upcoming plans, or a person's highlight of the day "juice excitement" and establish instant rapport. Asking about someone's passion project or what they are currently enjoying often leads to meaningful dialogue—even if the person struggles to answer, since that struggle itself opens space for authentic connection.

She underscores that being engaging at level one is increasingly important as modern conversation must now compete with the allure of endless online content. Therefore, the questions must deliver enough positivity, motivation, and intrigue to merit attention over scrolling through a phone.

Level one Conversation Goal: Create Ease and Warmth to Lay Foundation for Deeper Connection

The primary mission of level one conversation is not only to provoke positive or interesting responses, but also to cultivate a sense of ease and warmth—elements essential for building trust and making people feel seen, understood, and appreciated. Van Edwards explains that people like to be around those who are easy to talk to, who signal interest and likability both verbally and nonverbally.

Warm, positive exchanges make meetings frictionless, foster collaboration, and make people want to participate. In professional or casual settings, easy banter about personal interests or future plans lays the groundwork for deeper, more meaningful conversations, and reduces awkwardness or apprehension.

Flexible Question Frameworks: Adapting Level one Queries

Van Edwards emphasizes the importance of adapting level one strategies to context—whether chatting with coworkers, service staff, or acquaintances. The spirit of the approach remains: ask questions that move conversations off-script, invite small stories, and put others at ease. For example, taxi drivers might ask "Got anything exciting today?" while teams may adapt "Tell me something good" for quick, scalable check-ins.

Even common opener questions can be enhanced by seeking behavioral insight. Instead of "What's your greatest weakness?" ask, "What would your previous manager say is your greatest weakness?" This reframing produces less rehearsed and more revealing answers.

Level one is foundational and cannot be skipped; it ensures people feel safe, understood, and chosen, and prepares the soil for deeper conversational growth.

Level two Uncovers Motivations, Goals, Values, and Worries Revealing Dreams and Sleepless Nights

Level two is about transitioning from general traits and facts to discovering what motivates or concerns a person at their core—their dreams, goals, passions, and worries. Here, the conversation moves into what Van Edwards calls "dream building," helping someone feel safe enough to reveal secret aspirations, side hustles, or private worries—what gets them up in the morning or keeps them up at night.

Dream Building: Helping Uncover Desires, Side Hustles, and Passions

Level two conversation starters might include "What have you always wanted to learn?" or "What's your biggest goal right now?" Tying these questions to events like birthdays or the start of a new year, such as "What's your big goal this year?" provides context and makes the inquiry natural. These conversations activate motivation by allowing people to articulate and reflect on their hopes, thus creating an immediate sense of purpose and allyship.

Van Edwards notes that talking about goals activates [restricted term], energizing people and providing lasting memory and collaboration. Giving someone permission to share their hopes or nurturing a growth mindset during dialogue forges stronger bonds. If a person is struggling to answer, this reveals a new opportunity for connection; the resulting vulnerability is itself valuable.

Pet vs. Pest Projects: Helping Them Feel Safe to Share Vulnerabilities

A useful framework for level two is distinguishing between "pet projects" (something cherished and pride-inducing) and "pest projects" (something that worries or burdens them). Revealing pests requires psychological safety, and the goal at this stage is to create a conversational space where people feel comfortable sharing either pride or vulnerability.

Signature questions borrowed from admired interviewers or leaders can guide this process, such as "What do you love to talk about?" which helps identify topics that spark a person's passion—a valuable tool for deepening future interactions.

Asking About Goals Activates [restricted term] and Helps You Ally With Their Growth

By learning about what motivates or worries someone, you become an ally in their personal and professional growth, offering encouragement and accountability.

Level two Demands Progression Through Level one; Skipping Causes Friction, Not Connection

Van Edwards stresses that level two should never be rushed. Skipping the initial comfort of level one can make deeper questions feel intrusive or interrogative rather than supportive, especially for introverts or those reluctant to share. Proper sequencing ensures that as the conversation becomes more personal, the other person feels chosen and safe—an essen ...

Vanessa Van Edwards and Steven Bartlett explore how five core narrative archetypes shape people's life stories, relational patterns, conversational styles, and behavior across contexts. Understanding these allows for more empathetic relationships, effective teamwork, and personal growth.

Five Archetypes Predict Life Stories, Relational Patterns, Conversational Styles, and Behavior Across Contexts

Ambitious Hero Narrative: Overcoming Obstacles Through Grit and Resilience, yet Struggles With Dissatisfaction and Burnout From Constant Striving and Big Dreams

The ambitious hero archetype sees life as a journey of overcoming challenges through grit and resilience. Their internal monologue is driven by a “hustle, hustle more” attitude, always reaching for bigger and better outcomes. This can manifest in persistent goal-setting and productive energy, but also in an inability to feel content and a tendency toward burnout. They may exhaust themselves with new initiatives and can sometimes exhaust those around them by relentlessly encouraging progress or pushing for change. Ambitious heroes often find deep meaning in their drive, but the striving never ends, leading to cycles of both motivation and dissatisfaction.

Pragmatists Value Stability and Tradition, Clashing With Ambitious Growth Seekers

Pragmatists, or “contented pragmatists,” value stability, tradition, and the status quo. Satisfied with where they are, they resist unnecessary change and feel happiest within known routines and rituals. In relationships and teamwork, they may clash with ambitious heroes who constantly push for change and growth. Pragmatists are practical, risk-averse, and often serve best in roles that require caution and consistency, such as finance or regulatory environments. They ground teams and families in appreciation, routine, and gratitude, often choosing to savor and commemorate past experiences rather than discussing future ambitions.

Selfless Helper Narrative: Service to Others Leads To Difficulty Saying No, Boundary Challenges, and Attraction to High-Conflict Exploiters

The selfless helper’s narrative is anchored in helping others. They tend to choose service-oriented careers—such as nursing or teaching—and derive their sense of worth from generosity. However, this compulsion to give can become a liability: they struggle to assert boundaries, find it difficult to say no, and put their own needs last. In relationships, they often attract or are taken advantage of by high-conflict individuals who exploit their desire to help. For these helpers, the greatest challenge is learning that being known is not a burden on others, and that their own stories and vulnerabilities matter.

Disruptor Narrative: Innovation Through Rule-Breaking and Friction

Creative disruptors thrive on breaking norms and challenging established ways. They are anti-blueprint, always questioning whether the rules truly apply to them. In conversation and at work, they push and challenge others, offering contrarian perspectives and relishing debates or negotiations. Their innovation stems from a willingness to defy convention, even if this sometimes exhausts or alienates traditionalists or dreamers. Disruptors make excellent litigators and entrepreneurs but tend to create friction in highly regulated or routine settings.

Unlucky Struggler Narrative Frames Life As Uncontrollable Misfortunes, Resulting In Humor, Humility but Also Low Confidence and Self-Esteem Preventing Flourishing

The unlucky struggler archetype sees their life as marred by uncontrollable setbacks and disappointments. They often express humor and humility, and are relatable in their self-deprecation—many comedians embody this archetype. Yet, their low self-esteem and perceived lack of agency hold them back, and efforts by others to convince them that they are “really lucky” often have the opposite effect. Compassionate curiosity, rather than toxic positivity, best supports these individuals: asking about their perspective and history, rather than rushing to reframe or fix.

Narrative Archetypes: Predicting Relationships and Needs Through Character Comparison

Each archetype brings distinct needs and styles to relationships and conversations:

Ambitious Heroes Thrive On Goal, Progress, and Growth Discussions, Energized by Metrics and Possibilities

Ambitious heroes derive energy from conversations about goals, side hustles, progress, and metrics of growth. They both seek and inspire ambition in others, finding satisfaction in mutual advancement.

Pragmatists Engage Through Rituals, Gratitude, and Savoring Moments

Pragmatists prefer discussions that honor routines, savor the present, and express gratitude. They focus on what works now, appreciating life’s pleasures and traditions rather than future ambitions.

Selfless Helpers Need Si ...

Vanessa Van Edwards demonstrates how nonverbal cues and vocal delivery shape conversational charisma and influence how others perceive competence, warmth, and confidence.

Body Language: Conveying Competence, Warmth, and Confidence Through Subtle Cues

Winner Energy: Confident Posture and Increased Limb Distance Draws People In

Van Edwards identifies "winner energy" as physical cues displaying confidence and drawing others in. Winners, regardless of height, naturally take up more space between the ears and shoulders and between the torso and arms. This expanded posture is micro—not flamboyant—but involves small adjustments like slightly lowering the shoulders and lifting the head. These micro-movements signal claimed space, making others more drawn to converse and engage.

"Open Fish" Mouth Signals Desire to Speak; Sustained Staring Shows Wish For Conversation Turn

She describes a subtle cue called "the open fish" where someone opens their mouth while listening, indicating a desire to speak. This silent signal means they want a conversational turn but are waiting their moment. Recognizing this cue can help speakers know when to pause or invite input, avoiding monopolizing the conversation.

Ear Exposure and Leaning In: Universal Signals of Warmth and Competence

Gestures like leaning in, using more gestures, or exposing the ear signal engagement and interest, making conversations feel high energy and connected. These cues create warmth and demonstrate active listening, inviting further participation from conversation partners.

Misinterpreting Lower Lid Flexes as Emotion Creates Distance

A lower lid flex or "hardening" is a universal cue of intense focus, often happening when someone is trying to see or understand better. This is not an emotional cue but shows the listener is processing deeply. Misreading this cue as negative emotion can distance speakers from listeners, so recognizing it as a signal of deep processing maintains conversational rapport.

Vocal Tone and Breath Control Convey Confidence and Authority Over Word Choice

Speaking With Tight Vocal Cords Signals Anxiety and Incompetence; Relaxed Cords Signal Confidence and Attract Listeners

Van Edwards highlights the importance of speaking from one's maximum resonance point—the lowest end of the natural vocal range—which signals pride and calm. When anxious, people tense their shoulders, neck, and vocal cords, raising their voice and delivering a less compelling presence. Relaxed vocal cords on the out breath create a calmer, more confident tone that is inviting to listen to and marks the speaker as competent.

Quick Speech Suggests Anxiety; Measured Pacing Shows Control

Conversational speed is another cue: speaking too quickly often happens when nervous and running out of breath, making the speaker less engaging and suggesting a lack of control. Winners use breath and measured pacing, increasing their vocal presence and charisma.

Volume, Tempo, and Tone Must Align With Your Intention; Performing Questions Like a Resume Turns People Off, While Genuine Curiosity Shows In Your Voice

Van Edwards argues how you say something is as important as your choice of words. If your vocal delivery lacks intention or care, it immediately disengages listeners. Genuine curiosity and warmth resonate in the tone and pacing, whereas reciting questions like items from a resume feels inauthentic and turns people off. Charismatic speakers imbue their voice with calm confidence, which naturally attracts attention and invites participation.

Optimal Eye Contact: Fluctuate 60-70% in Conversa ...

Charisma and genuine connection hinge less on broadcasting our achievements and more on radiating warmth, competence, and authentic interest. Vanessa Van Edwards and Steven Bartlett highlight how likability emerges from moments of generosity, vulnerability, and making others feel genuinely valued.

Charisma Arises From Signaling Warmth and Competence, Not Boasting Accomplishments, With Likable People Being Easy to Talk To and Making Others Feel Chosen

Vanessa Van Edwards explains that charismatic people focus on being easy to talk to and signaling clear, warm appreciation, rather than boasting about their accolades. She gives examples like, "It's always so fun talking to you," or, "You always have the best stories," as verbal signals of liking that increase likability and create reciprocal affection in return. Vanessa illustrates this by sharing a story where, upon hearing her date liked her and bought her audiobook, she instantly liked him more—showcasing the powerful effect of clearly broadcasted liking.

Reciprocal Liking Via Affirming Statements

Vanessa argues that people are most likable when they verbally and visibly affirm others. Affirming statements—like applauding someone’s humor or expressing joy at being in their company—make others feel chosen and appreciated and increase the likelihood they will like you in return. Broadcasting liking, rather than assuming it is understood, closes the "liking gap," as people often underestimate how much others like them unless it is made explicit.

Impressing Through Accolades, Achievements, and Credentials Creates Distance and Feels Like Reading a Resume Rather Than Inviting Genuine Connection

Vanessa warns that listing achievements or leading conversation with credentials creates distance. She recalls a party where attendees introduced themselves with grand accomplishments like inventing the internet or curing cancer. When Vanessa humbly introduced herself as "a recovering awkward person," more people approached her than the so-called high achievers. This demonstrates how trying to impress by reading a figurative resume is alienating rather than inviting; it becomes performative and leaves others cold. Likewise, when people tried to elicit advice or compliments from a celebrity at another event, the star disengaged quickly—a testament that connection doesn’t arise from accolades or transactional exchanges.

Vulnerability and Admitting Awkwardness Increase Liking By Allowing Authenticity

Vanessa found that expressing vulnerability—admitting she felt awkward and unsure why she was invited—instantly put others at ease. This kind of authenticity made others comfortable sharing their own awkwardness, creating a community rather than a hierarchy. The charismatic people she knows, including billionaires, tend to downplay their success, removing any pressure to prove themselves.

Charismatic People Downplay Success Due to Their Achievements, Removing the Need to Prove Themselves

Genuinely charismatic, accomplished individuals often minimize their achievements. They rely on warmth and connection, not the need to present impressive resumes. People are drawn to those who are relatable and humble, as evidenced by the rush of partygoers to converse with Vanessa, not the person who introduced themselves as a billionaire.

Connection Forms When Someone Feels Valued Through Conversational Generosity

Connection flourishes when people feel valued. Vanessa introduces the concept of "conversational generosity": the act of giving in conversation, whether through enthusiastic listening, sharing engaging anecdotes, or thoughtfully answering even routine questions.

Conversational Generosity: Answering Boring Questions to Foster Deeper Discussion, Avoiding Vague or Dull Responses

Vanessa stresses the importance of tackling the inevitable "boring questions" we all receive. By preparing thoughtful, story-filled answers—ones that offer others a gift of interest or a pathway to deeper conversation—we transform routine exchanges into moments of genuine engagement. She gives the example of her friend Jason, who can’t taste or smell but uses this unique detail to spark memorable conversations, asking others what they’d have him taste if he could.

Preparing Anecdotes and Stories For Faqs Gifts Others With Interesting Material That Deepens Connection

Steven Bartlett echoes this, encouraging everyone to "have a script" ready for the common questions. Vanessa recommends creating answers that not only interest you but invite others to join in, build rapport, and foster connection. Sh ...

Vanessa Van Edwards and Steven Bartlett explore the mechanics of effective conversation, outlining practical guidelines for self-awareness, connection, and navigating the loneliness crisis.

Assessing Whether You Talk too Much Via Self-Recording or Five-Question Test

Vanessa introduces a five-question self-test for over-talking. If you answer affirmatively to more than three, you likely dominate conversations. A telltale sign is realizing you leave conversations knowing little about others, indicating self-focused speaking rather than mutual discovery. Vanessa emphasizes that fear and insecurity—not disinterest—fuel over-talking, which can be countered with genuine curiosity.

To gauge whether you speak too much, Vanessa suggests keeping turns to 15-30 seconds, with 45 seconds as the absolute maximum; longer stretches feel like monologues and create listener fatigue. The "Yap Challenge" is an exercise where you record yourself discussing an opinion or teaching a topic without notes—if you naturally talk under 30 seconds, your turns are conversationally appropriate. More than 45 seconds suggests you may need to learn to pause. These timing guidelines discourage social overthinking, which often leaves people anxious and dreading conversation. Curiosity about others enables conversational turns and deeper engagement.

Better Questions Create Delight By Moving Beyond Autopilot to Uncover Stories, Values, and Emotion, Fostering Connection

Vanessa outlines how most small talk fails because people default to autopilot questions like "How are you?" "What do you do?" or "Been busy?" which rarely spark meaningful conversations. These scripted openers drain energy. In contrast, optimistic, thoughtful questions break autopilot and invite storytelling, value-sharing, and emotion, creating energizing interactions. For example, "What was the highlight of your day?" reliably yields deeper responses.

She introduces the concept of conversation hierarchy: beginning with lighter, level-one questions until trust is built before advancing to more personal topics. Jumping to intimate questions too early can cause discomfort. Assertive curiosity—asking what, how, why, and when questions—moves the conversation forward and fosters connection. Master conversationalists thrive because they approach exchanges as opportunities for discovery, not self-promotion, leading to energizing rather than draining experiences.

Graceful Exits Preserve Impressions With Future Cues and Compliments, Signaling Closure Without Awkward Lingering

Vanessa stresses the importance of endings using the peak-end effect, where people remember the beginning and end of a conversation most vividly. Yet, most people over-prepare for first impressions and neglect the exit. She recommends a formula: combine a future cue with a compliment or action. Mentioning something upcoming (“Do you have any plans this weekend?”) shifts the brain away from the present, easing the transition. Pairing this with a compliment or well-wish (“It was so lovely talking to you. Enjoy the wine bar!”) allows for a natural and positive departure. Assertive, clear endings prevent lingering discomfort and leave both parties with a favorable impression, allowing each to move on gracefully.

Loneliness Crisis: Weakened Conversational Skills From Asynchronous Communication, Technology, and Reduced Socialization

Vanessa highlights a growing loneliness epidemic: three in ten Americans socialize daily, and one in six people worldwide experience loneliness. Asynchronous communication, such as voice notes and reduced real-time interactions, contributes to this crisis. Voic ...