Likability Expert: The Toxic Conversation Habit You Don't Realize You Have! | Vanessa Van Edwards

Vanessa Van Edwards presents a structured approach to conversation, outlining three progressive levels, each designed to foster a deeper sense of connection, psychological safety, and meaningful exchange.

Level 1 Ensures Comfort and Safety Through General Fact Questions and Surface-Level Details

Level 1 forms the critical foundation for any relationship, prioritizing comfort and a sense of psychological safety. Van Edwards explains the common pitfall of remaining trapped in familiar, fact-based questions—like "How are you?" or "What do you do?"—that trigger autopilot responses and end conversations prematurely. Such socially scripted questions lack excitement or depth and produce predictable, unmemorable interactions.

Effective Level 1 Questions Go Beyond Social Scripts By Asking About Positive Experiences, Future Plans, and Personal Interests

To overcome this trap, Van Edwards encourages questions that break autopilot by stimulating optimism, inviting people to reflect on positive aspects of their lives or meaningful details. Examples include "What was the highlight of your day?", "Are you working on anything exciting?", and "Do you have any fun plans coming up?" Unlike merely factual prompts, these story-based or emotion-oriented questions invite narrative and allow the other person's brain to search for good content, producing positive responses.

She calls this approach a "treasure hunt"—seeking conversational gold not through rote facts, but by inviting stories and real emotions. For example, taxi drivers often ask, "Got anything exciting today?" or "Are we going anywhere exciting?" These are easy swaps for mundane exchanges and prompt authentic engagement.

Van Edwards notes that effective Level 1 questions can also be tailored to context and personal interest: after a book signing, she asks, "What was your favorite part?" or "What did you learn most?" Individuals can adopt their own signature questions, such as "What do you love to talk about?" to steer conversation toward mutually interesting topics. Signature questions help others anticipate enjoyable conversations in the future and offer callbacks that make subsequent interactions smoother and more meaningful.

"Questions Like 'Day's Highlight,' 'Exciting Projects,' and 'Fun Plans' Prompt Listeners to Seek Positive Content Over Rehearsed Responses."

Research backs up these strategies: in networking experiments, prompts like "What was the highlight of your day?" scored highest for sparking engaging, memorable conversations, while rote questions like "What do you do?" and "How are you?" ranked lowest. These carefully chosen questions signal warmth, interest, and even a little [restricted term] boost—producing what Van Edwards refers to as "conversational confetti."

She also recommends numbers-based questions—like "How long have you two been together?"—as lightly factual openers that quickly pivot into stories (e.g., "What’s been the highlight of your 10 years together?"). This is particularly effective for introverts, who may appreciate the opening but are more comfortable transitioning to stories at their own pace.

Fact-Based Questions Create Dead Ends; Story-Based Questions Like "What's Your Personal Passion Project" Foster Deeper Connection

Van Edwards emphasizes that facts act as conversational stop signs, while stories open doorways. Questions like "What’s your personal passion project?" prompt individuals to share what excites or motivates them, revealing values and deeper personality traits. If someone says they don’t have a passion project or is having a tough time, this opens the way for genuine empathy and support, rather than derailing the conversation. Thus, even non-positive answers provide an opportunity to connect through authentic emotion.

Objective: Foster Psychological Safety By Showing Warmth and Genuine Interest

The core objective of Level 1 is to create psychological safety and signal genuine interest. Warmth is conveyed through clear verbal signals (e.g., "It’s always so fun talking to you") and active listening, which helps others feel chosen and understood. Starting meetings or gatherings with prompts like "Tell me something good" is suggested for teams, quickly fostering positive energy, connections, and a culture of sharing. Easy, enjoyable small talk at Level 1 increases productivity, trust, and a sense of belonging, while preventing awkwardness that can occur if you try to skip ahead to deeper topics too soon.

Understanding Motivation: Explore Goals, Values, Worries, and Dreams Instead Of Basic Information

Once comfort and rapport are established, Level 2 conversations invite individuals to share their motivations, values, and aspirations.

Dream Building: Uncover Hidden Desires Through Level 2 Conversations

The focus at this stage is on what gets people up in the morning (goals) and what keeps them up at night (worries). Level 2 is about giving permission to reveal dreams, secret desires, and even private worries. Van Edwards frames this as "dream building." She encourages asking about daydreams, side hustles, or something new the person is learning—questions like "What have you always wanted to learn?" or "What’s your biggest goal right now?" These prompts invite reflection on ambition and growth.

Distinction Between Pet and Pest Projects Matters

Van Edwards introduces the concept of "pet projects" (passionate endeavors people are proud of) and "pest projects" (nagging worries or obstacles people feel shame about). Level 2 explores these dimensions by creating space where either can be safely shared. Recognizing the difference helps tailor your questions to unlock authentic conversation about both triumphs and challenges.

Questions About Goals Boost Motivation and [restricted term]

Discussion of goals, dreams, and learning triggers [restricted term] and motivation. By prompting reflection on aspiration, you become an ally in the other person’s journey, helping reveal motivating forces and resourcefulness that may not even be fully conscious.

Timing and Permission Matter; People Need to Process Questions. Introverts Need Space to Think Before Answering, So It's Acceptable to Share Your Answer First if Someone Doesn't Respond Immediately

Van Edwards cautions against diving into Level 2 topics too soon, which may feel invasive. It’s important to sense readiness, offer space to process, and even share your own answers if someone hesitates—especially for introverts, who may need time to reflect before responding deeply. Patience and modeling self-revelation can ease the transition into meaningful connection at this level.

Level 3 Reveals a Perso ...

Vanessa Van Edwards identifies five fluid conversational archetypes—ways people see their personal narratives and stories at a point in time—that impact interpersonal relationships, attitudes at work, and how people connect.

Ambitious Hero Archetype Sees Life Through Growth, Progress, Overcoming Obstacles; Internal Monologue Centers On Doing More, Bigger, Better in Every Domain

The ambitious hero archetype centers their story on grit, resilience, and overcoming challenges. Their internal monologue is an unrelenting loop of “more, bigger, better”—always hustling, striving, and not easily satisfied. Vanessa Van Edwards relates this archetype to her own experience, frequently setting new goals and embodying a drive to improve entrepreneurial ventures and motherhood to perfection, yet always feeling there’s more to achieve. Ambitious heroes are “juiced by progress,” thrive in discussing goals and metrics, and love both sharing and hearing stories of growth and achievement in themselves and others.

Ambitious Heroes Energize By Discussing Progress and Goals, Potentially Burning Out Others With Relentless Drive and Initiative-Jumping

Ambitious heroes get tremendous satisfaction from progress conversations—asking others about business stats, side hustles, book sales, and more. This relentless drive, however, can exhaust those around them, especially contented pragmatists, as they push new initiatives and pivot quickly, displaying what is called “shiny object syndrome.” Their boundless ambition can sometimes be misunderstood or accused of perpetuating hustle culture.

Ambitious Heroes Excel With Metrics, Growth, and Progress but Struggle With Contentment, Needing Friends to Remind Them to Enjoy Achievements

Ambitious heroes often measure success by metrics, growth, and new milestones. However, they struggle to pause and appreciate what they’ve accomplished, frequently needing friends—especially contented pragmatists—to remind them to savor success and enjoy the present. This archetype is rewarded in growth-focused and entrepreneurial environments but can feel out of place in settings that prioritize stability over change.

Archetype Excels in Growth and Entrepreneurship but Feels Constrained In Stable, Regulated, Low-risk Industries

Ambitious heroes thrive where new ventures, scale, and risk are valued, but feel limited in stable, regulated settings where tradition and conservative approaches dominate.

Contented Pragmatists Value Stability and Tradition

Contented pragmatists are grounded, finding happiness in the way things are rather than trying to change or optimize everything. They value ritual, routine, and habit, and are deeply satisfied with current circumstances.

Contented Pragmatists Struggle With Change When Current Conditions Suffice

For contented pragmatists, the desire to maintain stability makes them resist change unless necessary. Pushes to “do more” or “try harder” can feel unsettling or unwelcome when they see no issue with the current state. Their approach is highly practical and sometimes a little cautious or conservative, focused on maintaining what works rather than risking disruption.

Preference For Ritual, Habit, Tradition, and Savoring Moments Over Planning

Contented pragmatists want to savor the moment, cherishing what they have. They are the ones to create meaningful traditions, enjoy lengthy family dinners, and reminisce rather than always look forward or set new goals. They excel in roles that reward careful stewardship and attention to detail, such as fiduciary or regulated professions.

Excellent Employees in Fiduciary Roles: Conservative and Protective, but Misunderstood as Unambitious When Grounded In Reality

While some may see their lack of drive as unambitious, contented pragmatists are simply rooted in reality—prizing safety, gratitude, and preservation. They bring stability and reliability to teams but may feel misunderstood by more ambitious peers.

Selfless Helper Archetypes Find Worth In Serving Others, With Narratives Centered On Giving, Supporting, and Caring For People

The selfless helper’s life story revolves around being of service. “To have worth is to help,” so these individuals pick roles as teachers, coaches, nurses, parents, or managers who elevate others.

Selfless Helpers Struggle to Say No, Maintain Boundaries, or Prioritize Themselves and Often Face Compassion Fatigue or Burnout From Giving Until There's Nothing Left

Selfless helpers frequently put themselves last, struggling to say no to requests and unable to set firm boundaries. This leads to compassion fatigue or burnout when they give continuously without replenishing their own resources. They often see talking about themselves as taking rather than giving and require reassurance that sharing personal updates is itself an act of giving.

Selfless Helpers Hesitate to Talk About Themselves, Seeing It As Taking Rather Than Giving, Needing Assurance That Sharing Enriches You

In conversation, selfless helpers deflect attention from their own needs. Friends must encourage them to share, making it clear that talking about themselves enriches, rather than detracts from, the relationship. Affirming their value and presence allows these givers to feel seen and appreciated.

Selfless Helpers Draw High-Conflict People Exploiting Their Generosity but Excel As Managers By Intuitively Bringing Out the Best In Others

Their generous nature can make selfless helpers magnets for high-conflict or manipulative people who exploit their willingness to help. However, their intuitive empathy also makes them exceptional managers, able to identify, nurture, and bring out the best in those around them, boosting performance and group success.

Creative Disruptor Archetype: Motivated by Breaking Rules, Challenging Norms, Dismantling Systemic Operations

Creative disruptors reject blueprints, rules, and established norms. Their core motivation is to break systems, innovate, and challenge the status quo, driven by a countercultural ethos. They are not just building things—they want to reinvent or even destroy system ...

Charisma and connection thrive on clear, expressive nonverbal cues. People respond more positively to those who signal clearly with their bodies and voices, rather than those who are muted or understated. Vanessa Van Edwards explains that when someone walks into a room and claims their space—both physically and with subtle micro-movements—they telegraph confidence and “winner energy,” drawing others toward them.

Body Language & Space Communicate Confidence; Taking Up More Space Shows Authority & Appeal

Van Edwards cites studies showing that individuals who take up more space—regardless of their height—are perceived as more charismatic. Physically, this means maintaining space between the ears and shoulders, opening up the torso and arms, and using micro-movements like shoulder relaxation and gentle head tilting. These minute adjustments demonstrate ease and confidence without being overt or aggressive, signaling a relaxed sense of authority.

People are naturally drawn to those who claim their space in a relaxed, expansive way rather than compressing or shrinking themselves. When a person compresses their space by drawing inward, others are less attracted to them and they project insecurity or timidity. In contrast, expansive posture doesn’t just change perception but influences internal psychology, transforming how one feels and interacts in conversation. This physical confidence is a foundational element of what makes someone’s presence magnetic—what Van Edwards describes as “aura,” “Riz,” or simply the quality that makes others want to engage, listen, or be around them.

Vocal Tone and Using Your Maximum Resonance Point—the Lowest Part of Your Natural Vocal Range Signaling Calm and Pride—Matter More Than Your Words

How something is said can matter as much as the words chosen. Charismatic people use their “maximum resonance point”—the lowest part of their natural vocal range accessed when vocal cords are relaxed and speech emerges on the out-breath. This tone signifies calm, pride, and competence.

When someone is nervous or anxious, their vocal cords tense, their voice rises, breath becomes shallow, and their speech speeds up. This rushed, high-pitched delivery communicates unease and reduces perceived authority. In contrast, using the maximum resonance point—speaking on the out-breath with relaxed cords—communicates confidence and relaxation. Van Edwards notes that people who consistently speak with resonance are listened to more at work, are seen as competent, and naturally project more aura or charisma. The listener subconsciously picks up on their relaxation and confidence, increasing the speaker’s influence and appeal.

Rapid, tense, anxious speech undermines breath support, making someone sound breathless and rushed. This not only lessens the perception of authority but can make communication less pleasant or convincing.

Eye Contact Builds [restricted term] and Connection but Shouldn't Be Constant, as It Hinders Complex Thinking and Information Processing

Eye contact is crucial for building connection and triggering [restricted term], a hormone linked to bonding. The initial moments of a meeting or greeting are prime for making eye contact, which forges connection and trust. However, continual eye contact is counterproductive—especially in complex conversations or tasks that require memory and processing.

Ideal eye contact in Western cultures sits at about 60–70%. When someone looks away, it often signals deep thought or internal processing, rather than disengagement. Making eye contact enables the speaker to monitor the other’s reactions—such as eyebrow raises or facial shifts indicating agreement, confusion, or skepticism. This helps guide conversation dynamically, so the speaker can delve deeper ...

Vanessa Van Edwards discusses a growing crisis in human connection, driven by changes in modern life and technology, that undermines natural conversation and leads to greater loneliness and social isolation.

Modern Life Hinders Natural Conversation

Van Edwards observes a decline in daily socializing, with only three in ten Americans engaging in daily conversation. Globally, one in six people struggle with loneliness, which she attributes to decreased conversational interaction. Technology plays a major role: in settings such as parent-teacher meetings, she notes that people’s attention is captured by their phones, making conversation compete with the [restricted term] hits from social feeds. If conversation is not as stimulating as what users see on their screens, people quickly disengage.

She critiques the rise of communication forms like long voice notes and texts, which she labels as the most selfish form of conversation. Voice notes, though convenient, are essentially monologues—not genuine dialogue—lacking the essential back-and-forth of live interaction. This further erodes conversational skills, as people become accustomed to communicating without immediate feedback or genuine exchange.

Van Edwards also points to the impact of podcast interviews and media consumption, which train listeners to expect unnatural patterns of “conversation” that are more akin to performances or interviews. These media-driven styles, filled with notes and overly structured turns, weaken real conversational ability by replacing true give-and-take with staged exchanges. She explains that this phenomenon carries over into real-life interactions, such as first dates, where people feel awkward and struggle to find meaningful topics, often because so much information is already “known” from curated social feeds rather than human-to-human transmission.

Furthermore, she notes that social feeds themselves are highly curated and inauthentic. Followers may feel like they know someone based on Instagram or other platforms, but this sense of knowing is often a limited highlight reel, not a reflection of real life or authentic connection. Finally, Van Edwards highlights a new layer: people are increasingly talking not just through technology, but to technology itself. Conversations with AI or devices use unnatural, transactional language, which, over time, weakens the mental “muscle” required for effective, empathetic human conversation.

Next Generation Will Interact With Technology More; Mastering Human Conversation Will Advantage Work, Relationships, Fulfillment

Van Edwards stresses that as tech-driven communication becomes even more prevalent for the next generation, mastering real conversati ...

Vanessa Van Edwards and Steven Bartlett break down practical techniques for better conversations and spotlight common missteps that undermine connection and charisma.

Assessing if You Talk too Much Through Self-Reflection and Observation

Conversation is meant to be energizing, not exhausting. Van Edwards points out that dread before social interactions or feeling misunderstood afterward signals issues with conversational skills. Over-talkers often recognize their tendencies, either through feedback or self-awareness, yet find it hard to stop, sometimes out of a fear of awkward silences.

To self-assess, Van Edwards offers a quiz with prompts such as: Do you leave conversations without knowing much about the other person? Are you told you talk a lot? Do you notice people nodding or looking around while you speak? If you answer ‘often’ to at least three, you might be an over-talker. Curiosity—genuine interest in others—is the antidote to conversational narcissism.

Ideal Conversational Turn Length: 15-30 Seconds, 45-second Max

Van Edwards recommends conversational turns last 15-30 seconds, with 45 seconds as a maximum. Speaking longer often turns dialogue into a monologue. To check your habits, she suggests reviewing recorded conversations or trying a “yap challenge”—recording yourself speaking on a topic and timing your natural turn length. If you consistently exceed 45 seconds, you may talk too much.

"Open Fish" Cue Indicates Turn Desire; Recognizing This Helps Identify Conversational Dominance

A subtle cue that someone else wants to speak is the “open fish” look—when someone slightly opens their mouth as if ready to speak but waits. Recognizing and yielding to this cue fosters balanced exchanges.

Study: 95% Worked With Insecure, Not Arrogant, Over-Talkers

A study of over 1,000 Americans found that 95% have worked with someone who talks too much, and most over-talkers are not arrogant, but insecure—filling silence or seeking understanding. Chatty co-workers can reduce productivity, and being aware of one’s own patterns, especially in professional contexts, is key.

Transforming Repetitive Questions Into Opportunities for Deeper Connection

Van Edwards frames boring, repetitive questions not as conversational roadblocks, but as opportunities. She recommends preparing story-based answers to frequently asked questions (FAQs) that invite further discussion and memorability.

Prepare Story-Based Answers to Faqs to Be Memorable, Maintain the Conversation, and Invite Further Questions

Instead of giving basic answers to questions like “What do you do?”, develop responses that are clear, share a hook or interesting detail, and invite curiosity. For example, instead of just stating your job, add a story or context: “I’m a fifth-grade teacher, and I developed a reading system that speeds up learning.” This approach encourages follow-up questions like “How’d you come up with that?” and paves the way for richer, mutual conversation.

This Is a Heading: Focus On Aspects That Prompt a "Me too" or "Tell Me More" Response

Choose stories or details that might elicit a “Me too!” or “Tell me more” response. This creates connection and encourages others to share as well.

When Asked "What Do You Do," Be Clear, Share an Interesting Detail, and Invite Questions

Use a formula: “I do [role] for [who], by [how].” This gives a clear answer while providing a conversational entry point, avoiding rehearsed-sounding or resume-like answers. The goal is to create conversational generosity, making it easy for the other person to continue or deepen the discussion.

Techniques for a Graceful, Non-awkward Exit From a Conversation

Ending a conversation gracefully is as vital as starting it well. Van Edwards provides a formula for non-awkward exits: future cue plus compliment or action.

Graceful Exit: Future Cue, Compliment/Action (Kind Closing, Physical Disengagement)

Begin with a “future cue” (mentioning upcoming plans) to shift the conversation from the present. For example, “Do you have fun plans this weekend?” After their answer, offer a compliment or kind closing and pair it with a goodbye action: “It’s been so lovely talking to you. I hope you enjoy that wine bar. I’m going to get more coffee.” This structure cues a natural end and signals your intent to disengage.

Tone and Physical Cues Matter In an Exit

Use a distinctly warmer, closing tone—an “exit voice”—and nonverbal cues like stepping back or angling your body toward the door. These communicate your intention clearly and prevent lingering awkwardness or unclear endings.

Peak-End Rule: Strong Start and Warm Finish Equally Vital

According to the peak-e ...