Harvard’s Behaviour Expert: The Psychology Of Why People Don't Like You!
In this episode of The Diary Of A CEO, Steven Bartlett and Alison Wood Brooks explore how effective communication shapes our personal and professional lives. Brooks introduces practical frameworks for better conversations, including her "relational axis" approach and specific strategies for maintaining engagement. She explains how people can improve their communication skills through open-ended questions, expressions of warmth, and mindful conversation techniques.
The discussion examines how different groups, particularly men, face unique challenges in forming meaningful connections through conversation. Brooks and Bartlett also address the impact of technology and artificial intelligence on human interaction, highlighting why face-to-face communication skills remain essential despite digital advancement. The episode provides insights into why many adults struggle with communication and offers concrete ways to build stronger relationships through better conversation.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Dec 15, 2025 episode of the The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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The Science and Psychology of Effective Communication
Alison Wood Brooks and Steven Bartlett explore the fundamentals of effective communication, emphasizing that while conversation is central to all aspects of life, it's a skill that requires continuous practice and improvement. Brooks notes that many adults struggle with communication, leading to unconscious missteps and missed opportunities in both personal and professional settings.
Practical Strategies and Frameworks For Improving Conversation Skills
Brooks introduces several practical frameworks for better conversations, including her "relational axis" approach for balancing personal and relational goals. She emphasizes the importance of engaging topics and open-ended questions, suggesting conversation starters like "What are you excited about lately?" to maintain interest. Brooks also highlights the value of humor and warmth in preventing disengagement, noting that while not everyone can be funny, anyone can be warmer through expressing gratitude and giving compliments.
Communication Needs and Challenges of Demographics (E.G., Men)
Brooks and Bartlett discuss the unique challenges men face in forming meaningful friendships. Bartlett points out that many men report having no close friends and often struggle with loneliness. Brooks observes that traditional activity-based interactions, like sports, can prevent men from engaging in face-to-face conversations that promote emotional sharing. She advocates for men to have more one-on-one conversations that encourage vulnerability and deeper connections.
Impact of Technology and AI On Human Communication
The discussion turns to how technology and AI affect human interaction. Bartlett shares his concern about AI-generated communications feeling less authentic and soulful, while Brooks highlights the overwhelming nature of managing multiple digital communication channels simultaneously. Both speakers emphasize that despite technological advancement, in-person communication skills will remain a crucial human advantage. Brooks notes that her students find face-to-face conversations to be the only truly "real" form of communication, emphasizing the continued importance of developing these skills.
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Counterarguments
- While continuous practice is important for effective communication, some individuals may find that innate talent or natural ability plays a significant role in their communication skills.
- The "relational axis" framework is one of many approaches to communication, and it may not be universally applicable or effective for all individuals or cultural contexts.
- Open-ended questions are useful, but in some situations, direct or closed questions may be more appropriate to achieve clarity and efficiency.
- Humor and warmth are generally positive, but overuse or inappropriate application can sometimes lead to misunderstandings or discomfort.
- The challenges men face in forming meaningful friendships may be influenced by broader societal norms and expectations, which can vary widely across different cultures and communities.
- Encouraging men to have more one-on-one conversations is a good approach, but group activities and shared interests can also be a powerful way to build deep connections.
- AI-generated communications can sometimes enhance or facilitate human interaction, especially for those with disabilities or those who are socially anxious.
- Digital communication channels offer convenience and accessibility that can sometimes enhance relationships, especially for long-distance connections.
- In-person communication skills are important, but the ability to communicate effectively across digital platforms is increasingly crucial in a globalized and technologically advanced society.
- The perception that face-to-face conversations are the only "real" form of communication may overlook the depth and authenticity that can be achieved through written correspondence or digital communication.
Actionables
- You can enhance your conversational skills by starting a "conversation journal" where you reflect on daily interactions, noting what went well and what could be improved, similar to a workout log for communication.
- Keeping a journal encourages mindfulness about how you communicate and interact with others. For example, after a meeting or social event, jot down key points like how you opened conversations, the questions you asked, and how you showed warmth or humor. Over time, you'll notice patterns and areas for growth, such as needing to ask more open-ended questions or finding ways to inject warmth into your greetings.
- Develop deeper connections by initiating a "walk and talk" group in your community, where men can pair up for walks to discuss topics beyond surface-level interests.
- This creates a space for men to engage in one-on-one conversations that might not happen in group settings. For instance, each walk could have a theme, such as "career aspirations" or "personal growth," to guide the discussion towards more meaningful subjects, encouraging vulnerability and emotional sharing in a relaxed environment.
- Counteract the overwhelm of digital communication by setting up a "communication detox day" once a week, where you focus solely on face-to-face interactions and handwritten notes.
- This practice helps you prioritize in-person communication and gives you a break from the digital world. On this day, instead of texting or emailing, you could visit a friend or family member, or write a letter or thank-you note to someone you appreciate. This not only strengthens your face-to-face communication skills but also adds a personal touch to your interactions that digital communication often lacks.
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The Science and Psychology of Effective Communication
Communication is crucial in all aspects of life, as Alison Wood Brooks and Steven Bartlett present through their insights and experiences. This article explores how communication can be refined into an effective skill with careful practice and awareness.
Communication Is a Skill Requiring Practice and Improvement
Alison Wood Brooks firmly believes that conversation is central to productivity, work, and romance, yet many adults find it challenging, which can lead to awkward moments, misunderstandings, and defensive or hostile reactions. She mentions that the principles of effective communication are not innate, suggesting the need for continuous practice and improvement.
Conversation Leads To Unconscious Missteps and Missed Opportunities
Brooks notes the economic value of effective communication and how people often struggle with conversation, which leads to missteps such as saying too much, or not enough, causing hurt, getting defensive, and getting boring or angry. These unconscious missteps and the missed opportunities in communication shape our relationships and outcomes in various aspects of life.
Improving Communication Strategies Over Time
Over time, Brooks's students become more aware of their conversational abilities and open to improvement. She states that improving communication strategies leans heavily on practice, given the complexity involved in crafting responses and appreciating the multiplicity of interpretations.
Both Brooks and Steven Bartlett indicate that group conversations can be overwhelming and lead to miscommunications when compared to one-on-one interactions. They note that everyone can improve their conversations, regardless of their current abilities.
Brooks highlights the issues faced during conversations, from divergent emotions and motives to beliefs and identities. She and Bartlett both express concerns over how differences are dealt with during interactions, emphasizing the sequential nature of trust-building and persuasion in ...
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The Science and Psychology of Effective Communication
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Clarifications
- Strategic authenticity means being genuine while also considering the impact of your words and actions. It involves balancing honesty with tact to build trust and rapport. This approach helps maintain credibility without causing unnecessary conflict. It requires self-awareness and adapting your communication to the situation.
- Trust-building and persuasion in conversations happen step-by-step, where each interaction influences the next. First, trust is established through consistent honesty and reliability. Once trust exists, persuasion becomes more effective because people are more open to influence. Without trust, attempts at persuasion often fail or cause resistance.
- Self-talk is the internal dialogue people have with themselves, which shapes their thoughts and emotions. It influences communication by affecting confidence, mindset, and emotional regulation during interactions. Positive self-talk can reduce anxiety and promote openness, while negative self-talk may increase defensiveness or fear. Practicing constructive self-talk helps individuals approach conversations more calmly and effectively.
- Receptiveness to opposing viewpoints means actively listening and considering ideas different from your own without immediate judgment. It helps reduce conflict and builds mutual respect, fostering a more open and productive dialogue. This skill encourages learning and adaptation, which can lead to better problem-solving and collaboration. Being receptive also signals emotional intelligence and strengthens trust between communicators.
- Effective communication reduces misunderstandings, saving time and resources in workplaces. It enhances collaboration, leading to better decision-making and innovation. Clear communication improves customer relations, boosting sales and reputation. Poor communication can cause costly errors, conflicts, and lost opportunities.
- Crafting responses is complex because it requires choosing words that convey your intended meaning clearly and appropriately for the situation. Appreciating the multiplicity of interpretations means recognizing that different people may understand the same message in various ways based on their experiences, emotions, and perspectives. This awareness helps avoid misunderstandings and allows for more thoughtful, adaptive communication. Effective communicators anticipate these differences and adjust their responses accordingly.
- Differences in emotions, motives, beliefs, and identities influence how people interpret and respond during conversations. Emotions can trigger reactions that may not align with the actual message, causing misunders ...
Counterarguments
- While communication is crucial, some individuals may excel in non-verbal forms of communication, suggesting that conversational skills are not the only way to effectively connect or collaborate with others.
- The idea that effective communication principles are not innate could be challenged by pointing out that some aspects of effective communication, such as empathy or the ability to read social cues, might be more naturally occurring in some individuals.
- The emphasis on continuous practice might overlook the role of innate talent or predisposition towards communication skills, which could mean that some individuals may achieve effective communication with less practice than others.
- The assertion that group conversations are more overwhelming and prone to miscommunication than one-on-one interactions might not hold true for everyone; some may thrive in group settings and find them more stimulating and less pressure-filled.
- The sequential nature of trust-building and persuasion could be debated, as some research suggests that trust can be established quickly under certain circumstances, and persuasion can sometimes occur in a non-linear fashion.
- The effectiveness of self-talk and positive affirmations like "I'm excited" may not be universally beneficial, as some individuals might find different techniques more effective for managing their emotions and mindset before and during conversations.
- The concept of strategic authenticity could be criticized for p ...
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Practical Strategies and Frameworks For Improving Conversation Skills
In their discussion, Steven Bartlett and Alison Wood Brooks explore practical strategies and frameworks to enhance conversation skills, drawing from research and reflecting on personal experiences.
The "Talk" Framework: A Research-Backed Guide To Improving Conversation Skills
Aspiring to be a great conversationalist, Steven Bartlett implicitly signals a need for practical strategies or frameworks to aid in conversation skills improvement.
Engaging Topics Maintain Interest and Connection
Both Bartlett and Wood Brooks acknowledge the challenge of keeping conversations engaging. Brooks introduces a "relational axis" in her conversational compass framework, which aims to balance personal and relational goals, including engaging topics that maintain interest and connection. Furthermore, Brooks's "topic pyramid" helps move beyond small talk by scaling to more substantive discussions. She advises preparing conversations with the team by considering engaging topics, like asking about moving from London to LA or working experiences. Selecting topics that partners find helpful is crucial, as it garners interest. She suggests utilizing questions such as, "What are you excited about lately?" to strike up a lively conversation. Preparing topics in advance, such as one's anticipation toward parenthood, can keep engagement high and prevent dead air.
Open-Ended Questions and Follow-Ups Show Listening and Build Rapport
Alison Wood Brooks emphasizes that both the quantity and quality of asked questions contribute to deeper engagement: asking an inviting question like, "What are you excited about lately?" and offering thoughtful follow-ups can further the discourse. Bartlett exemplifies this approach by valuing deeper conversations that reveal more about individuals than surface-level exchanges. Even in professional contexts, such as negotiations, understanding perspectives through questions before making demands strengthens rapport. Brooks underlines the importance of using open-ended questions and following up to show interest and listening, leading to more compelling engagement. Examples include directly inquiring, "How does that make you feel?" or validating another's viewpoint by asking, "How did you come to feel like the sky is purple?"
Using Humor and Warmth Prevents Boredom and Disengagement
Humor and warmth are instrumental in preventing boredom and disengagement, with hosts discussing the necessity of levity and mutual enjoyment during conversations. Brooks remarks that, while not everyone can be funny, anyone can be warmer by expressing gratitude or giving compliments. Moments of levity, such as callbacks to shared experiences or jokes, enhance memory and enjoyment. Warmth includes strategies like offering sincere compliments and focused attention, which can strengthen connections and forestall disengagement. Brooks advocates insert ...
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Practical Strategies and Frameworks For Improving Conversation Skills
Additional Materials
Actionables
- Create a "conversation cheat sheet" for your next social event by researching interesting current events, innovations, or local happenings that align with the interests of the people you'll meet. This preparation ensures you have material to elevate discussions beyond small talk and can pivot to engaging topics when the conversation lulls.
- Practice the art of "conversational callbacks" by keeping a small journal where you note interesting or funny anecdotes shared by friends or colleagues. Refer back to these notes before meeting them again and bring up those stories to create moments of levity and deepen the connection through shared memories.
- Develop a habit of "active conversational reflection" by spending a f ...
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Communication Needs and Challenges of Demographics (E.G., Men)
Alison Wood Brooks and Steven Bartlett explore the issues men face in establishing meaningful friendships characterized by vulnerability and openness.
Men Struggle to Be Vulnerable and Open for Meaningful Friendships
The conversations between men tend to focus on activities and not on emotional exchanges, leading to a difficulty in forming vulnerable, deeper relationships.
Traditional Norms Deter Men From Sharing Emotions
Brooks observes that traditional activity-based interactions, such as playing sports, prevent men from engaging in face-to-face conversations that promote the sharing of emotions and vulnerabilities. This is further complicated by societal expectations and gender roles that frame vulnerability as a weakness.
Lack of Vulnerability Leads to Loneliness For Men
The inability to express vulnerability hampers the cultivation of meaningful friendships among men. This is evident in Brooks' findings that men tend not to ask probing, personal questions in conversations, and many report having no close friends. Bartlett adds that men are likely to have no one to turn to in times of crisis and half report dissatisfaction with their friendships. Since 1990, there has been a significant decrease in the number of close male ...
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Communication Needs and Challenges of Demographics (E.G., Men)
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While traditional norms may deter some men from sharing emotions, it's important to recognize that not all men are influenced by these norms to the same degree, and many are capable of forming deep emotional bonds despite societal expectations.
- The focus on activities in male friendships can be a form of emotional bonding in itself, as shared experiences and teamwork can foster a different kind of intimacy and trust.
- The assertion that men struggle with vulnerability might overlook the diversity of male experiences and the fact that some men do have close, emotionally open relationships with other men.
- The idea that men do not ask probing, personal questions could be challenged by considering cultural differences and individual personality traits that influence communication styles.
- The increase in loneliness among men could be attributed to broader societal changes, such as increased work hours or the impact of technology on social interactions, rather than a decrease in the ability to form close friendships.
- Encouraging men to open up in one-on-one conversations assumes that this is the preferred or most effective method for all men to build relationships, which may not account for individual differences in communication preferences.
- The emphasis on discussing vulnerabilities and struggles ...
Actionables
- Start a "Walk and Talk" group in your local community where men pair up for walks to discuss life beyond surface-level topics. Walking side by side can make it easier to open up without the pressure of direct eye contact, and the physical activity can help ease any discomfort. For example, you could post on a community board or social media group inviting men to join a weekly walk where each session has a theme, such as "failures that shaped us" or "dreams for the future."
- Create a personal "vulnerability challenge" where you reach out to a male friend each week with the intention of sharing something personal. This could be a fear, a hope, or a past experience that you usually wouldn't talk about. To make it a habit, set a reminder on your phone and prepare a topic in advance. For instance, one week you might share a professional setback and discuss how it impacted you, while another week you could talk about a personal goal or insecurity.
- Organize a book or movie club with a tw ...
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Impact of Technology and AI On Human Conversation
Alison Wood Brooks and Steven Bartlett dissect the profound effects of technology and artificial intelligence on the dynamics of human communication.
Digital Communication Causes Impersonal Interactions
Wood Brooks and Bartlett articulate concerns that digital communications, exacerbated by AI, often lack the nuanced, personal touch of in-person interactions.
Multitasking Between Channels Hinders Engagement
Brooks highlights an exercise from her class where students must transcribe every message across all modalities, revealing the complexity of digital multitasking. She discusses the overwhelming amounts of communication people engage in and the difficulty of deciding who to respond to, which leads to a default focus on those immediately present. This omnipresence of communication is mentally exhausting and can cause a decline in true engagement due to multitasking between channels.
AI Overuse Diminishes Authenticity and Emotional Resonance
AI overuse is a pressing concern for Bartlett, who comments on how AI-driven communications feel less soulful and more disconnected. He shares an experience where he disregarded messages from his team that were AI-generated, lacking the personal insights he values. AI's presence in everyday communications leads to a lack from humanity that diminishes authenticity and emotional resonance in conversations.
In-person Communication: A Valuable Skill in an AI World
The discussions led by Brooks and Bartlett converge on the premise that despite technological advancements, in-person communication will remain an irreplaceable human skill.
Meaningful Dialogues Will Be a Human Advantage in the Future
Brooks and Bartlett point out that the capacity for meaningful dialogue is what gives humans an edge over AI. With face-to-face communication offering more engagement, it's suggested that it will become a significant competitive advantage in the future. Understanding how to converse effectively in real life could potent ...
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Impact of Technology and AI On Human Conversation
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Alison Wood Brooks is a professor and researcher specializing in organizational behavior and communication. Steven Bartlett is an entrepreneur and public speaker known for discussing technology and social trends. Both analyze how technology, especially AI, impacts human interaction and communication skills. Their expertise lends credibility to the discussion on digital versus in-person communication.
- In digital communication, "modalities" refer to different methods or channels used to send and receive messages, such as text, email, video calls, and social media. Each modality has unique features and ways people interact through it. Managing multiple modalities simultaneously can be challenging because they require different types of attention and responses. This complexity contributes to the mental exhaustion mentioned in the text.
- The exercise involves students recording all their communications, such as texts, emails, calls, and social media messages, over a set period. This helps reveal how fragmented and multitasked digital communication can be. It highlights the challenge of managing multiple conversations simultaneously. The goal is to increase awareness of communication overload and its impact on attention and engagement.
- Multitasking between communication channels forces the brain to constantly switch focus, which consumes more cognitive energy than concentrating on one task. This frequent shifting reduces efficiency and increases mental fatigue. The brain's limited attention resources get depleted faster, leading to feelings of exhaustion. Over time, this can impair the ability to engage deeply and respond thoughtfully.
- AI is used in everyday communication through tools like chatbots, email auto-responders, and predictive text features on smartphones. These systems generate messages by analyzing user input and context to produce relevant, automated replies or suggestions. For example, AI might draft a customer service response or suggest quick replies in messaging apps. This automation can speed up communication but may lack personal nuance.
- Authenticity in communication means expressing genuine thoughts and feelings without pretense or artificial influence. Emotional resonance occurs when a message deeply connects with the listener’s feelings, creating empathy and understanding. Both rely on subtle cues like tone, facial expressions, and personal context that AI often cannot replicate. These elements make conversations feel real and meaningful rather than mechanical or scripted.
- "Meaningful dialogue" refers to conversations that involve deep understanding, empathy, and genuine exchange of ideas or emotions. It requires interpreting subtle cues like tone, body language, and context, which AI struggles to replicate. This skill enables humans to build trust, resolve conflicts, and create strong social bonds. These complex interpersonal abilities give humans an advantage over AI in communication.
- Older generations grew up before digital communication became widespread, so they had more practice with face-to-face conversations. They developed skills like reading bo ...
Counterarguments
- Digital communication can enhance personal touch through immediacy and multimedia elements that are not always possible in in-person interactions.
- Multitasking is not inherently negative and can be a sign of adaptability and efficiency in managing various streams of information.
- Digital communication tools can help manage mental exhaustion by allowing people to filter and prioritize conversations effectively.
- AI can augment communication by personalizing messages at scale and providing insights that might not be immediately apparent to humans.
- AI-generated messages, when designed well, can be indistinguishable from human-generated messages and can carry emotional resonance.
- In-person communication skills are valuable, but digital communication skills are equally important in a technologically advanced society.
- AI can assist in creating meaningful dialogues by providing data-driven insights and facilitating language translation and accessibility.
- Younger generations may develop new forms of conversational skills that are adapted to digital environments, which could be as valuable as t ...
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