Most Replayed Moment: The Gottman Doctors Guide to Better Sex and Stronger Connections
In this episode of The Diary Of A CEO, Steven Bartlett and the Gottmans explore how sexual intimacy and emotional connection interact in modern relationships. They discuss how different couples approach physical intimacy, and how factors like psychological safety and trust—particularly important for women who have experienced trauma—play crucial roles in sexual satisfaction.
The conversation examines how changing gender roles affect relationships, especially as women achieve greater career success. The Gottmans share their approach to helping couples communicate about intimacy, including structured tools they've developed to help partners discuss their desires and boundaries. They emphasize that open dialogue about sex can strengthen overall trust and connection between partners.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Jul 11, 2025 episode of the The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
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1-Page Summary
Diversity of Sexual Needs and Preferences in Relationships
Relationships showcase a wide spectrum of sexual desires and behaviors. While some couples maintain fulfilling platonic relationships with minimal sexual intimacy, others consider sexual connection vital to their partnership. Many couples experience differences in sexual desires, which can lead to relationship conflicts, particularly when men and women have different expectations for physical intimacy and affection.
Emotional Connection and Psychological Safety in Women's Intimacy
Julie and John Gottman emphasize that emotional connection and psychological safety are crucial factors in women's sexual desire and satisfaction. Julie Gottman points out that with one in four women experiencing sexual trauma by age 18, establishing trust becomes particularly important. The Gottmans suggest that men can enhance their partner's sense of security through emotional attunement and sharing household responsibilities, drawing from Emily Nagoski's research showing that women need emotional connection to feel sexually receptive.
Impact Of Evolving Gender Roles On Love and Sex
Steven Bartlett and Julie Gottman discuss how changing gender norms and women's increasing success in the workplace are reshaping relationship dynamics. Men may struggle with feelings of emasculation when their partners achieve career success, as traditional expectations of being the sole provider clash with modern realities. John Gottman notes that men are increasingly recognizing the importance of emotional connections beyond career success, while Julie Gottman describes how women navigate the balance between career ambitions and desires for family and intimacy.
The Importance of Open Communication About Sex and Intimacy
John Gottman advocates for structured dialogues to help couples explore their erotic worlds and fantasies. The Gottmans developed tools like the "Got Sex" kit to facilitate conversations about sexual preferences and boundaries. They emphasize that open communication about desires and boundaries not only enhances sexual satisfaction but also builds trust and safety within the relationship, leading to more fulfilling intimate experiences.
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Counterarguments
- While emotional connection and psychological safety are emphasized as crucial for women's sexual desire, it's important to recognize that these factors are also significant for many men's sexual satisfaction and desire.
- The idea that men may feel emasculated by their partner's success could be seen as reinforcing gender stereotypes; it's also possible for men to feel proud and supportive of their partner's achievements without experiencing negative feelings about their own role.
- The text suggests that sharing household responsibilities can enhance a partner's sense of security, but it's worth noting that the division of labor in a household should be based on mutual agreement and respect for each other's time and contributions, not just as a means to improve sexual intimacy.
- The focus on women needing emotional connection for sexual receptivity could inadvertently imply that sexual desire in women is predominantly emotional rather than physical, which may not be the case for all women.
- The emphasis on structured dialogues and tools like the "Got Sex" kit might not resonate with all couples, as some may find these approaches too mechanical or prescriptive for discussing something as personal as sexual preferences and boundaries.
- The assertion that open communication about sex and intimacy invariably leads to more fulfilling experiences may not account for the complexities and challenges that some couples face in communication, which could be influenced by cultural, personal, or psychological factors.
- The discussion on the impact of evolving gender roles on love and sex could benefit from acknowledging that not all individuals or relationships conform to traditional gender roles, and the dynamics are often more nuanced and individualized.
- The text could be seen as heteronormative, focusing primarily on the dynamics between men and women in relationships, which may not be applicable or inclusive of LGBTQ+ relationships where these dynamics can be very different.
Actionables
- You can create a personalized "intimacy roadmap" with your partner to navigate and align your sexual needs and preferences. Start by each writing down what intimacy means to you, including emotional and physical aspects. Then, come together to discuss and find common ground or areas where you can compromise and grow together. For example, if one partner values deep conversation as a precursor to intimacy, while the other values spontaneous physical connection, you might agree to dedicate time for both activities in your weekly routine.
- Develop a "relationship check-in" habit where you and your partner set aside time each week to discuss your feelings and experiences related to evolving gender roles and work-life balance. Use this time to openly share any insecurities or challenges you're facing, such as feelings of emasculation or the stress of balancing career and family. This could involve taking turns to express one concern each and brainstorming together on ways to support each other in these areas.
- Initiate a monthly "desire diary" exchange with your partner to enhance communication about sexual satisfaction. Each of you keeps a private diary where you jot down thoughts on what you find fulfilling in your intimate life, any new desires, or boundaries you'd like to explore. At the end of the month, exchange diaries and discuss the entries. This practice encourages reflection and ongoing dialogue, making it easier to communicate about sensitive topics in a non-confrontational way.
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Diversity of Sexual Needs and Preferences in Relationships
Relationships are a mosaic of needs and preferences, particularly when it comes to sexual desire and behavior. Understanding this diversity is key to maintaining a healthy partnership.
Variability in Sexual Desires and Behaviors Among Couples
Couples Preferring Platonic Relationships
For some couples, the sexual aspect of a relationship is minimal or non-existent. These couples may find themselves in what resembles a sibling-like relationship. Despite the lack of sexual intimacy, these relationships can still be deep, meaningful, and successful.
Sexual Intimacy Crucial for High-Libido Couples
On the other end of the spectrum, there are couples for whom sexual intimacy is a vital aspect of their relationship. These high-libido couples consider a robust sexual connection to be an essential component of their partnership.
Couples Often Have Differing Sexual Desires
A source of conflict in many relationships is the discrepancy in sexual desires. For instance, in some couples, men might feel deprived of touch and demand sex, while women might feel they are not receiving enough non-sexual affection.
The Reasons Behind These Differences Can Be Complex
Men Adhering To Traditional Masculine Norms May Express Intimacy Only Through Sex
Men who adhere to hyper-masculine norms often reject forms of physical contact they perceive as t ...
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Diversity of Sexual Needs and Preferences in Relationships
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Clarifications
- Hyper-masculine norms often dictate that men should avoid behaviors perceived as too soft or vulnerable, like cuddling, and instead prioritize actions associated with traditional masculinity, such as engaging in penetrative sex. Men influenced by these norms may struggle to express intimacy through non-sexual physical contact due to societal expectations around toughness and dominance. Challenging these norms can help men broaden their understanding of intimacy to include a wider range of behaviors beyond just sexual activity. Understanding the impact of hyper-masculine norms on physical intimacy can lead to more fulfilling and diverse expressions of closeness in relationships.
- Women often have additional psychological and emotional needs that must be met for arousal and satisfaction in their sexual relationships. These needs can vary widely among individuals and may include factors like feeling ...
Counterarguments
- While the text suggests some couples prefer platonic relationships, it's important to recognize that the absence of sexual intimacy can sometimes be a source of tension or dissatisfaction for one or both partners, rather than a mutually preferred dynamic.
- The emphasis on high-libido couples valuing sexual intimacy might overlook the fact that even within these relationships, other forms of intimacy and connection can be equally important and necessary for a healthy partnership.
- The idea that conflicts in relationships often stem from differing sexual desires might oversimplify the complexities of relationship dynamics, where issues can also arise from communication problems, emotional disconnects, or external stressors.
- The portrayal of men adhering to traditional masculine norms as expressing intimacy only through sex could be an overgeneralization. Men's expressions of intimacy can be diverse and influenced by many factors ...
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Emotional Connection and Psychological Safety in Women's Intimacy
Experts Julie and John Gottman provide insights into how emotional connection and psychological safety can significantly affect women's desire and satisfaction in intimate relationships.
Emotional Connection and Psychological Safety Boost Female Desire
The Gottmans argue that an emotional connection and psychological safety not only promote female desire but also create more passionate and fulfilling sexual experiences.
Women's Need For Safety and Trust After Sexual Trauma
Julie Gottman draws attention to the prevalence of sexual trauma in the United States, noting that one out of four women have been sexually molested or assaulted by the age of 18, and these numbers do not account for unreported cases. This statistic underscores the critical need for safety and trust in intimate relationships, particularly for those with a history of trauma.
Without These, Women May Enjoy Sex Less
Julie Gottman also acknowledges the emptiness felt by both men and women after engaging in hookup culture, which often lacks genuine emotional connection. This observation implies that without emotional connection and safety, women's enjoyment of sex may be diminished.
Nurturing a Satisfying Sex Life For Women Requires Openness, Affection, and Trust
Research highlighted by the Gottmans suggests that fostering a satisfying sex life for women involves much more than just physical attraction or sexual skill.
Men Can Show Emotional Attunement and Share Household Duties to Make Their Partner Feel Secure and Cared For
John and Julie Gottman highlight crucial behaviors such as showing affection—examples include parting kisses or touching a partner's back—as key elements in boosting a woman’s desire. John Gottman points out that fo ...
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Emotional Connection and Psychological Safety in Women's Intimacy
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Counterarguments
- Emotional connection and psychological safety are important, but they are not the only factors that contribute to female desire; hormonal, biological, and individual psychological factors also play significant roles.
- While safety and trust are crucial, suggesting that all women need the same level of safety and trust could be an overgeneralization; individual preferences and desires vary greatly.
- The idea that women may enjoy sex less without emotional connection and safety might not hold true for all women; some may prioritize different aspects of sexual encounters.
- The emphasis on men's role in providing emotional attunement and sharing household duties could be seen as reinforcing traditional gender roles; women and non-binary partners can also contribute to the emotional and practical aspects of a relationship.
- The focus on heterosexual relationships in the discussion o ...
Actionables
- You can create a "safety signal" with your partner, a non-verbal cue that either of you can use to indicate the need for a pause or more emotional connection during intimate moments. This could be a specific touch or gesture that is agreed upon beforehand. It serves as a discreet and immediate way to communicate and ensure psychological safety without breaking the mood.
- Start a weekly "affection journal" where you and your partner write down acts of affection and moments of emotional attunement you've noticed from each other. This practice not only encourages you to be more attentive and appreciative of each other's efforts but also creates a habit of recognizing and valuing the emotional labor that contributes to a secure and satisfying sexual relationship.
- Develop a ...
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Impact Of Evolving Gender Roles On Love and Sex
Julie Gottman, Steven Bartlett, and John Gottman discuss how shifting gender norms and the changing landscape of success for women are challenging traditional masculinity, altering relationship dynamics, and reshaping expectations around love, sex, and career.
Shifting Gender Norms and Women's Success Challenge Traditional Masculinity
As societal expectations evolve, Steven Bartlett and Julie Gottman elucidate that the traditional view of men as sole financial providers is being questioned, and this is leading to a redefinition of masculinity, sometimes causing men to feel emasculated or uneasy in the presence of successful women.
Men May Feel Threatened by Partner's Success, Straining Dynamics
Julie Gottman notes that the equalizing of pay and education between genders can strain relationship dynamics if a man feels threatened by his partner's success or intelligence. Steven Bartlett adds that men today may find the challenge of not being the exclusive provider tough to navigate, given the societal pressures they face.
Societal Pressure on Men as Breadwinners vs. Women's Career Goals
The conversation turns to the generational shift in expectations, with Bartlett reflecting on how his father and grandfather fulfilled provider roles, and noting that pressure persists for men to be the family breadwinner, which may now conflict with the reality of women having their own career ambitions and successes.
People Navigate New Relationships Beyond Outdated Gender Stereotypes
With the understanding of gender roles continually evolving, individuals are seeking relationships that move beyond antiquated stereotypes, valuing emotional connections and balancing career and family life in new ways.
Men Realize the Value of Emotional Connections and Relationships, Beyond Career Success
John Gottman observes a growing awareness among men re ...
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Impact Of Evolving Gender Roles On Love and Sex
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Counterarguments
- While shifting gender norms may challenge traditional masculinity, it's also possible that these changes are leading to a more diverse and inclusive understanding of masculinity that benefits everyone.
- Some men may indeed feel threatened by their partner's success, but others may feel proud and supportive, and these positive reactions can also strengthen relationship dynamics.
- The societal pressure on men as breadwinners is changing, and there is a growing recognition of the value of men in caregiving and other non-traditional roles.
- While people are seeking relationships beyond outdated gender stereotypes, some individuals may still find value and satisfaction in traditional roles and dynamics.
- Men's value of emotional connections beyond career success is not univer ...
Actionables
- You can initiate a book club with friends or colleagues focusing on titles that explore evolving gender roles and relationship dynamics. By reading and discussing books like "The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love" by bell hooks or "Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead" by Sheryl Sandberg, you'll gain insights into how others navigate these changes and can apply these lessons to your own life.
- Start a monthly "career and family" potluck dinner in your community where attendees bring a dish and discuss how they balance professional ambitions with personal relationships. This creates a supportive environment where people can share strategies and learn from each other's experiences, fostering a sense of community and shared learning. ...
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The Importance of Open Communication About Sex and Intimacy
Experts emphasize the need for open dialogue about sex and intimacy as a foundation for a fulfilling relationship.
Openly Discussing Sexual Needs Enhances Fulfillment
Open communication about sexual preferences and desires is central to couple's sexual satisfaction.
Structured Dialogues and Surveys Reveal Partners' Erotic Worlds and Fantasies
John Gottman suggests that emotional connection, established through open communication, is essential for eroticism and fulfillment in intimate relationships. Structured dialogues and surveys, he proposes, could help reveal partners' desires and fantasies, thereby enhancing fulfillment in their sexual lives. For instance, Julie Gottman talks about the "Got Sex" kit they developed, including structured conversations on various aspects of sexual relationships, from preferences to initiation and refusal.
Verbalizing Desires and Compromise Aid Couples In Navigating Sexual Differences
John Gottman mentions having a set of 100 questions to explore the erotic worlds of partners. Open discussions about intimacy needs, preferences, and fantasies are crucial, as they allow couples to navigate their sexual differences effectively. If a partner is uncomfortable participating in another's fantasy, discussing it could still enhance their sexual experience, Julie Gottman suggests. Being open to compromise and expressing one's erotic imagination, as John Gottman jokingly refers to through role-playing, can bring joy and excitement into the sexual relationship.
Discussing Sex Builds Intimacy and a Satisfying Relationship
Open communication about sex ...
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Counterarguments
- While open communication is generally beneficial, some individuals or cultures may have taboos surrounding the discussion of sex, which could make open dialogue challenging or uncomfortable.
- Structured dialogues and surveys might feel artificial or forced to some couples, potentially reducing spontaneity and genuine intimacy.
- Not all couples may find verbalizing desires and fantasies comfortable or necessary for a fulfilling sexual relationship; for some, non-verbal communication may be more effective or preferred.
- The emphasis on discussing sexual boundaries and safety could inadvertently pressure individuals to engage in conversations or activities they are not ready for, which could lead to discomfort or distress.
- The idea that couples who talk about sex have a better sex life may not account for the quality of communication or the presence of other relationship issues that could affect sexual satisfaction.
- The focus on mutual pleasure might overlook the importance of individual self-awareness and self-fulfillment in one's sexual life, which can a ...
Actionables
- Create a "desire jar" where you and your partner write down fantasies or desires on slips of paper and take turns drawing one to discuss and explore together, fostering a playful and non-judgmental way to communicate about sexual preferences.
- This approach turns the conversation into a game, reducing pressure and making it easier to share. For example, one slip might say "try blindfolding," which can lead to a discussion about sensory play and comfort levels with it.
- Develop a personalized "intimacy playlist" that includes songs, scenes from movies, or books that resonate with your sexual preferences, and share it with your partner as a conversation starter about desires and boundaries.
- Sharing a playlist can be less intimidating than direct conversation and can provide insight into each other's erotic minds. For instance, a song with a particular rhythm might hint at a pace you find arousing, prompting a discussion about tempo and mood in your intimate life.
- Initiate a monthly "relationship check-in" where ...
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