My Breastfeeding Journey & Mental Health
In this episode of Pursuit of Wellness, Mari Llewellyn shares her breastfeeding experience, from collecting colostrum during pregnancy through her eventual transition to formula feeding. She discusses her initial success with milk production and her subsequent struggles with the physical demands of maintaining supply, describing how the constant feeding and pumping schedule affected her daily life and mobility.
Llewellyn opens up about the mental and emotional challenges she faced during this period, including feelings of guilt and anxiety about milk production that impacted her early motherhood experience. She details her decision to transition to formula, explaining her systematic approach to weaning and her choice of formula type, while reflecting on the changes in her well-being after making this transition.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Mar 30, 2026 episode of the Pursuit of Wellness
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1-Page Summary
The Host's Personal Breastfeeding Journey and Experiences
Mari Llewellyn shares her breastfeeding journey, beginning with her proactive approach to collecting and freezing colostrum during pregnancy. She successfully accumulated 25-30 vials before birth, which proved beneficial during her son Kai's first days. Her initial hospital experience was positive, with quick milk production and successful latching.
However, after returning home, Mari faced significant challenges. She describes feeling "chained to the house" due to constant feeding and pumping demands, which limited her mobility and affected her daily life. Despite having an oversupply—producing up to 18 ounces in one session—she struggled with the physical demands of maintaining milk production for her son's needs of up to 40 ounces daily.
The Emotional and Mental Challenges Of Breastfeeding
Mari candidly discusses the emotional toll of breastfeeding. Despite her abundant milk supply, she experienced intense guilt and anxiety about using her frozen storage, viewing it as a personal failure. Her self-worth became tied to daily milk production, consuming much of her mental energy. The obsession with breastfeeding affected her ability to engage with family and enjoy social interactions.
The physical and emotional demands left Mari feeling exhausted and inflamed. She notes that breastfeeding significantly impacted her enjoyment of early motherhood, creating constant anxiety that others around her noticed.
Weaning From Breastfeeding to Formula
Though initially hesitant about transitioning to formula, Mari describes experiencing immediate relief once she began the change. She implemented a 14-day weaning protocol, gradually reducing pumping sessions while maintaining occasional breastfeeding. Her plan includes using her frozen breastmilk supply until her baby reaches six months, providing two ounces daily.
Given her baby's previous gastrointestinal issues, Mari chose a European goat milk formula. While she mourns the loss of the special breastfeeding bond, she reports feeling happier and more present with her baby after transitioning to formula.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While Mari experienced guilt and anxiety about using her frozen milk supply, many lactation experts emphasize that using stored milk is a practical and responsible approach, not a failure.
- The idea that self-worth should be tied to milk production is a common but unhealthy societal pressure; mental health professionals and parenting advocates often stress that a parent's value is not determined by breastfeeding success.
- Although Mari mourned the loss of the breastfeeding bond, research shows that formula feeding can also foster strong parent-child attachment and bonding.
- The challenges Mari faced with oversupply and constant pumping are not universal; some parents find breastfeeding less restrictive or more manageable, depending on individual circumstances.
- Transitioning to formula is a valid and healthy choice for many families, and some parents report improved well-being and family dynamics after making the switch.
- The use of European goat milk formula is one option among many; pediatricians generally recommend any formula that meets established nutritional standards, and cow's milk-based formulas are also widely used and well-tolerated.
Actionables
- you can create a daily self-check-in chart to track your emotional and physical well-being during feeding transitions, helping you spot patterns and proactively address stress or guilt before it escalates; for example, rate your mood, energy, and anxiety on a simple scale each morning and evening, and jot down one thing that brought you joy or relief that day.
- a practical way to maintain a sense of connection with your baby after changing feeding methods is to schedule a daily bonding ritual, such as skin-to-skin cuddling, singing, or reading together at a set time, so you nurture closeness regardless of how you feed.
- you can set up a “feeding support buddy” system with a friend or family member, where you check in with each other about feeding experiences and encourage open conversations about challenges, successes, and feelings, making it easier to share the mental load and reduce isolation.
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The Host's Personal Breastfeeding Journey and Experiences
The Host's Initial Positive Experiences With Breastfeeding
Preparation Before Childbirth: Freezing Colostrum For Smooth Milk Supply
Mari Llewellyn begins preparing for breastfeeding well before giving birth by collecting colostrum, the nutrient-dense, fatty "liquid gold" that is essential for newborns. By around week 32 of pregnancy, she notices she is leaking and starts manually expressing colostrum, gradually freezing it in vials. She is careful not to rush, since too much stimulation can induce labor, but ultimately accumulates about 25 to 30 vials in her freezer by the time her son, Kai, is born. Llewellyn feels this early preparation primes her body to produce milk quickly after delivery.
When heading to the hospital, she brings the frozen colostrum in a Yeti cooler, just in case her baby needs it. Kai benefits from these stores in his first days, as they are able to give him the colostrum using a syringe in the side of his mouth, thereby avoiding formula use entirely for those initial days. Llewellyn even reserves a few vials for when her son might get sick in the future, having heard this can be beneficial.
Successful Hospital Breastfeeding: Quick Milk Production and Easy Baby Latching
Upon giving birth, Llewellyn and her son are brought into the recovery room, where Kai latches almost immediately. This moment feels beautiful and affirming for her. Her milk comes in quickly, a process that often takes days—especially after a C-section—for many mothers. Hospital staff, including lactation consultants, provide guidance on breastfeeding positions and help her use a hospital-grade pump to stimulate milk production. Llewellyn is grateful for this support and finds her early milk supply robust, even enabling the start of a freezer stash with her oversupply.
The Host's Challenges With Breastfeeding After Returning Home
Host's Feeling "Chained To the House" Due To Breastfeeding or Pumping
Once home with Kai, Llewellyn experiences the demanding side of early motherhood. The initial phase is dominated by cluster feeding, where it feels like her entire day is spent nursing with little opportunity to leave her chair. She describes feeling "chained to the house" due to the need to feed or pump so frequently. Even trips outside require strict scheduling, as she feels anxious about having enough milk in the fridge and is resistant to dipping into her precious freezer stash, which she views as a last resort.
Trips further from home, such as a planned month-long stay in Colorado, are cut short as the constant demands of breastfeeding and pumping make her feel unable to be away or relax. The need to be back within an hour for the next feeding or pumping session dominates her thoughts and limits her mobility.
Milk Oversupply Taxing Production Regimen ...
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The Host's Personal Breastfeeding Journey and Experiences
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- The practice of antenatal colostrum harvesting (expressing and freezing colostrum before birth) is not universally recommended and may not be necessary or beneficial for all mothers, especially those with low-risk pregnancies.
- Some medical professionals caution that expressing colostrum before birth could potentially stimulate labor, and should only be done under medical guidance, particularly for women with certain risk factors.
- Not all mothers are able to produce or collect significant amounts of colostrum before birth, and this does not necessarily indicate future breastfeeding difficulties.
- Exclusive reliance on breastfeeding and avoidance of formula may not be feasible or desirable for all families, and formula can be a safe and necessary option for some infants.
- The emphasis on building a large freezer stash of milk may contribute to unnecessary stress or anxiety for some mothers, and is not required for successful breastfeeding.
- Experiences of oversupply and the associated challenges are not universal; many mothers struggle with low supply, and both situations can be difficult.
- The feeling of being "chained to the house" due to breastfeeding or pumping is not experienced by all mothers; some find ways to breas ...
Actionables
- you can create a simple visual tracker (like a wall calendar or magnet board) to log each feeding, pumping session, and milk storage, helping you spot patterns, avoid missed sessions, and reduce anxiety about supply without relying on memory alone; for example, use colored stickers for different activities and tally ounces pumped or fed each day.
- a practical way to maintain hydration and energy during frequent feeding and pumping is to set up a dedicated breastfeeding station stocked with water, snacks, and comfort items within arm’s reach of your main nursing spot, so you don’t have to interrupt sessions or feel depleted; for instance, keep a basket with water bottles, granola bars, and a phone charger next to your chair.
- you can plan sh ...
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The Emotional and Mental Challenges Of Breastfeeding
The host shares a candid account of the emotional toll breastfeeding has taken on her, highlighting the complex web of guilt, anxiety, exhaustion, and the way breastfeeding can overshadow the enjoyment of new motherhood.
Host's Negative Emotions & Thoughts on Breastfeeding & Milk Production
Host's Guilt and Struggles Over Self-Worth Despite Milk Oversupply
Despite having a surplus of milk stored in the freezer, the host describes an intense resistance to using it, equating dipping into the supply with personal failure. She confesses to harboring judgmental thoughts about her self-worth, tying it directly to her daily milk production. If she produced less milk on a given day, she would ruminate for hours, analyzing what she might have done differently and worrying about the longevity of the freezer supply. These thoughts became so persistent that they consumed much of her mental energy. Even with an abundant milk supply, she felt guilty that breastfeeding was damaging her mental health. She questioned whether having a good supply meant she was obligated to continue, despite feeling deeply miserable. The host reflects on adopting a “martyr syndrome” mindset, believing that she was supposed to suffer—something she’d become accustomed to through past achievements that required hardship. This belief made her push through misery, at the expense of her well-being, until she realized the importance of showing herself grace for the sake of her child and her own mood.
Host's Anxiety and Absence With Loved Ones due to Obsessive Breastfeeding Focus
Breastfeeding and milk production became such dominating concerns that the host found it difficult to engage in adult conversations or focus on anything but her child and his milk. Socializing—even having people in her home—was fraught with anxiety about pumping and milk quantity. When family visited, her anxiety about breastfeeding was so intense she couldn’t fully enjoy their company or participate in outings, signaling how deeply these emotions were affecting daily life.
Impact Of Breastfeeding On Host's Well-Being
Host's Exhaustion, I ...
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The Emotional and Mental Challenges Of Breastfeeding
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- Many mothers find breastfeeding to be a positive and bonding experience, and do not experience the same level of anxiety or negative emotions described by the host.
- The pressure to exclusively breastfeed or maintain a large milk supply is not universal; some mothers successfully use formula or mixed feeding without guilt or negative impact on self-worth.
- Using stored milk or supplementing with formula is a practical and healthy choice for many families, and does not equate to personal failure.
- Not all mothers experience significant physical exhaustion or inflammation from breastfeeding; some report improved well-being and satisfaction.
- The emotional challenges described may be influenced by individual personality traits, mental health history, or external pressures, rather than breastfeeding itself.
- Support systems, lactation consultants, and mental health profes ...
Actionables
- you can create a daily five-minute check-in where you write down one thing you did for your own well-being, helping you notice and value self-care even during demanding times; for example, jot down if you took a short walk, enjoyed a cup of tea, or simply rested for a few minutes.
- a practical way to reduce obsessive focus on one aspect of parenting is to set a timer for a specific period each day to think about it, then intentionally redirect your attention to another activity or topic when the timer ends; for instance, after your timer goes off, switch to reading, calling a friend, or working on a hobby.
- you ca ...
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Weaning From Breastfeeding to Formula
Host's Hesitation and Guilt Around Using Formula
Host Fears Losing Breastfeeding Bond Despite Mental Health Impacts
Mari describes the emotional struggle she faces when introducing formula, saying she felt nervous and guilty the first time she gave it to her baby. She cannot pinpoint the exact reason but recognizes that many women experience this internal battle due to societal pressures and personal guilt. Mari expresses sadness about ending the breastfeeding experience, emphasizing how special and bonding it felt compared to pumping. Although she does not miss the daily challenges associated with breastfeeding, especially pumping, she mourns the loss of that unique connection with her child.
Freedom and Relief in Transitioning to Formula, Enabling Presence and Happiness
Despite her initial hesitation, Mari finds freedom and relief after her baby responds well to formula. She describes feeling an immediate weight lift off her shoulders and wonders why she waited so long. The transition makes her feel like a better mother—she is happier, more present, and able to enjoy time with her baby without being consumed by the constant need to pump. Mari appreciates the flexibility formula provides, allowing her to manage her time better and feel more at peace overall.
The Host's Approach To Gradually Weaning Off Breastfeeding
Mari follows a structured, gradual weaning plan. She is on a 14-day protocol, reducing her pump sessions from 30 minutes down to 10 and scaling back from three sessions a day to two. While she still breastfeeds occasionally, these sessions are shorter and less frequent as she transitions away from direct breastfeeding.
Host's Plan to Use Frozen Breastmilk Until Baby Is 6 Months
Mari prioritizes her baby's continued access to breast milk for its first six months. She has built up a substantial freezer stash, ensuri ...
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Weaning From Breastfeeding to Formula
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While many women experience guilt when transitioning to formula, some mothers do not feel this pressure and find formula feeding to be a positive choice from the start.
- The bonding experience with a baby is not exclusive to breastfeeding; many parents report strong bonds through bottle feeding, skin-to-skin contact, and other nurturing activities.
- Some mothers find that the structure and routine of breastfeeding or pumping provide a sense of purpose and connection, and may not experience relief when switching to formula.
- Formula feeding can introduce new challenges, such as the cost of formula, preparation time, and concerns about formula recalls or shortages.
- Gradual weaning is not necessary for all mothers; some may choose or need to stop breastfeeding more abruptly due to medical or personal reasons and still have positive outcomes.
- Not all parents have the ability or resources to build a freezer stash of breast milk, and exclusive reliance on formula from birth is a valid and healthy choice for many families.
- The choice of formula, including European goat milk formula, may not ...
Actionables
- you can create a personal reflection journal to track your emotions and thoughts during feeding transitions, helping you identify patterns of guilt, relief, or joy and develop self-compassionate responses for each stage
- Write down how you feel before, during, and after each feeding, noting any triggers for guilt or relief. Over time, review your entries to spot recurring themes and practice reframing negative self-talk into supportive statements, such as reminding yourself of the benefits your choices bring to your family.
- a practical way to maintain bonding during formula feeding is to design a special feeding ritual that includes consistent eye contact, gentle touch, or singing a favorite lullaby
- Choose a calming activity to pair with each bottle feed, like softly stroking your baby’s hair or humming a tune, to reinforce emotional closeness and create new, meaningful memories that aren’t tied to breastfeeding.
- you can set up a simple weekly s ...
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