Author Deesha Philyaw says she's still 'obsessed' with the church in her fiction

Deesha Philyaw describes how growing up in the church instilled powerful and often conflicting messages about sexuality, morality, and identity, shaping her understanding of what it means to be a woman. The legacy of religious teachings follows women into adulthood, affecting their sense of self, relationships, and perceptions of pleasure and morality.

Religious Teachings' Conflicting Messages on Female Identity and Behavior Persist Into Adulthood

Philyaw explains that from a young age, girls in the church receive binary moral lessons: women are either virtuous or sinful, with no space in between for honest self-expression. She recounts being a curious child who wanted to be "good" and avoid hell, but the church painted goodness and badness in absolutes—“Madonna, whore, heaven or hell.” This binary world view created confusion, as it demanded submission to strict ideals and held up only two models for women: those inside the church, who sacrificed pleasure for salvation, and those outside, who appeared to have more fun but were doomed to damnation. Philyaw recalls perceiving that women on the outside of the church were enjoying life, but according to the doctrine, they were destined for hell, forcing her to confront the implications of either path.

As these messages were instilled early, they persisted even after Philyaw grew up, married, and started her own family. Despite doing “everything right” according to church expectations, she still wasn’t happy. This reveals that religious indoctrination plants messages about sexuality and guilt that linger long after a woman leaves the church.

Women Learn to Distrust Their Bodies, Seeing Pleasure As Wrong

Philyaw further explains that church indoctrination teaches young girls not to trust their own bodies and to associate sexual pleasure with wrongdoing. Strict religious teachings often confine sex to marriage, making natural curiosity and desire feel shameful or forbidden. Even for those who obey all the rules, Philyaw says, unhappiness can persist—a paradox that underscores the limits and harms of these teachings.

She describes the enduring impact of religious and maternal influence, noting, “you can leave the church, but as I joke sometimes, the pastor and your mama are still in your bedroom.” This emphasizes how deeply such teachings are internalized, continuing to shape women's attitudes toward sexuality, relationships, and family life long ...

Religious communities often uphold restrictive gender roles and expectations that shape—and sometimes constrict—women’s lives and identities.

"Proverbs 31 Wife" Imposes an Unattainable Standard of Female Virtue, Portraying Women as Subservient Caregivers

Biblical Ideal Institutionalized As Epitome of Christian Womanhood

Juana Summers introduces the concept of the "Proverbs 31 wife," a figure familiar to many who grew up in the church. Deesha Philyaw describes the Proverbs 31 woman as being held up as the ultimate model for Christian women—a "virtuous workhorse" whose value is tied to traditional, subservient caregiving roles. For those in church communities, this biblical ideal becomes institutionalized as the highest standard of female virtue.

Women in Church Roles Face Pressure to Suppress Authenticity

Women who serve in visible roles within the church often feel obligated to perform this ideal, suppressing aspects of their true selves. The expectation is that women prioritize their roles as caregivers, embodying virtue as prescribed by scripture, rather than embracing their full personalities and potential complexities.

Women in Religious Communities Adopt Roles Over Individual Identities and Beliefs

First Lady Freeman Learned to Meet Expectations as a Good Daughter and Dutiful Wife

Deesha Philyaw notes the example of First Lady Freeman, who learned early on to meet external expectations—being a good daughter and dutiful wife. She internalized the performance of the ideal, effectively becoming a "good Girl Scout" for the sake of community standing. Though she carries her own questions about faith and her role, ...

Fiction Safely Explores Dissatisfaction With Religious Structures Over Direct Critique

Deesha Philyaw explains that she first explored her dissatisfaction with the church through fiction because she did not feel bold enough to address it directly in nonfiction. She gave her fears and concerns to her female characters, who resembled the women she observed growing up in church. By using fiction, Philyaw could examine church hypocrisy and control without giving a public nonfiction testimony or directly confronting religious authorities. Andrew Limbong notes that Philyaw used fiction as a safe way to process these conflicts and doubts.

Women's Liberation: Challenging Religious Institutions and Beliefs

Philyaw also discusses how her writing addresses the cost of breaking free from performing prescribed roles within the church. Embracing one’s true self-expression risks judgment and disa ...

Deesha Philyaw critiques how the church frames marriage and sexuality, outlining the social and psychological implications for women within these teachings.

The Church Elevates Heterosexual Marriage As the Sole Legitimate Sexual Context, Maintaining Patriarchal Control Over Women

Philyaw notes that the church designates heterosexual marriage as the only context in which sex is allowed, positioning it as a highly elevated institution. This elevation, she argues, is a product of patriarchy rather than divine mandate. By restricting sex to marriage, the church inflates the importance of the institution and strengthens control over women’s sexuality. The presentation of marriage as divinely ordained serves to mask its actual function as an extension of patriarchal power dynamics, rather than an organic spiritual directive.

Women Learn Marriage Completes and Saves Them, Setting Unrealistic Romantic Expectations

Philyaw addresses the church’s teaching that marriage is the solution to women’s struggles, framing it as something that will complete or save them. This instills unrealistic romantic and personal ...

Deesha Philyaw explores the importance of authentic bonds between women—specifically between daughters, mothers, and female friends—as sources of moral guidance, accountability, and emotional support, arguing these connections are more meaningful than conformity to societal or patriarchal norms, especially those centering marriage.

Women's Bonds With Daughters, Mothers, and Female Friends Offer More Reliable Moral Guidance and Accountability Than Marriage

Philyaw notes that Gabrielle, the daughter, approaches her mother Shara much as Philyaw looked to women in church while growing up—questioning who she might become and asking her mother hard questions about her choices. As Shara faces a public scandal, Gabrielle's pointed questions highlight inconsistencies between Shara's values and actions. Even when Shara is tempted to rationalize or deceive herself, the presence of her daughter prevents her from ignoring the truth. Gabrielle stands as Shara’s conscience, openly calling out her mother when her words and actions don’t align, regardless of Shara’s intentions. This bond underscores how daughters can function as a moral check, offering accountability and guidance that surpasses the formal expectations or norms of marriage.

Prioritizing Female Bonds Over Relationships Challenges Patriarchal Values

Philyaw emphasizes that prioritizing female relationships over centering men or romantic partnerships challenges deeply ingrained patriarchal values. She reflects on her decision to revise her book to ensure ...