In her new memoir, Jeannie Vanasco gets 'A Silent Treatment' from her mom
In this episode of NPR's Book of the Day, Jeannie Vanasco discusses her memoir exploring her relationship with her mother Barbara, who uses prolonged periods of silence as a way to cope with conflict. The discussion examines how Barbara's past experiences with physical abuse influenced this behavior, and how her silence—which can last for days or months—affects their mother-daughter relationship.
The conversation also delves into Barbara's resistance to therapy and her difficulty recognizing how her coping mechanism impacts others. Vanasco shares the unique dynamic of having the same name as her mother, including mix-ups at the gym and complications with credit scores, which add another layer to their complex relationship. Through the memoir, Vanasco approaches her mother's behavior with understanding while acknowledging its emotional toll.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Oct 14, 2025 episode of the NPR's Book of the Day
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1-Page Summary
Barbara's Silent Treatment as a Coping Mechanism
Barbara uses silence during conflicts as both a form of self-control and a retreat from distress. When upset, she interacts minimally through brief text replies and moves quietly around the house. Her daughter, Jeannie Vanasco, explains that this behavior isn't intended as abuse but rather serves as a coping strategy, influenced by Barbara's past experiences with physical abuse from both her former spouse and mother.
Impact of Silent Treatment on Jeannie and Relationship
Jeannie Vanasco reveals that her mother's unpredictable silent treatment, which can last from days to months, causes her significant emotional distress. She references research showing that social ostracism activates the same brain areas as physical abuse, noting that the pain of her mother's silence feels comparable to the grief she experienced when losing her father at 18. Despite these challenges, Jeannie approaches her mother's behavior with empathy, viewing it as a coping mechanism rather than a personal attack.
Influence of Barbara's Past on Behavior
Barbara struggles to recognize her use of silence as potentially harmful, expressing surprise when Jeannie shares research about the silent treatment's negative impacts. When suggested to seek therapy after moving to Baltimore, Barbara dismissed the idea, stating she wasn't "crazy." Though she later expressed regret about not seeking help after Jeannie's father's death, she continued to refuse therapeutic support.
Challenges of Their Shared Name
Jeannie Vanasco shares how having the same name as her mother has led to various complications, including being flagged for voter fraud and experiencing credit score mix-ups. Despite these challenges, Jeannie finds humor in the situations, such as a memorable incident at a women's gym where their shared name created confusion. These mix-ups, while occasionally frustrating, have become moments that strengthen their unique bond.
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Actionables
- You can create a personal signal system with loved ones to indicate when you need a moment of silence without causing alarm. For instance, if you're feeling overwhelmed during a discussion, you could have a predetermined hand gesture or phrase that communicates your need for a brief pause. This allows you to take the space you need without leaving others in distress, wondering if they're being subjected to the silent treatment.
- Develop a shared journal with a family member where you both write down your feelings and experiences. This can be especially helpful if direct conversations are challenging. You might find it easier to express empathy, understand each other's coping mechanisms, and share humorous anecdotes in writing, which can strengthen your bond without the pressure of an immediate response.
- Use a nickname or middle name in less formal settings to avoid mix-ups if you share a name with a family member. This can help differentiate you in social situations and prevent confusion without the need to legally change your name. For example, if your name is Jeannie and you share it with your mother, you might introduce yourself as "Jen" or "Gigi" among friends or in casual social media profiles.
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Barbara's Silent Treatment as a Coping Mechanism
Barbara's adoption of silence during conflicts is both a form of self-control and a retreat from distress, affecting her relationship with her daughter, Jeannie Vanasco,
Barbara Uses Silence to Avoid Escalating Conflicts and Expressing Emotions
Barbara believes that opting for silence during disagreements is a mature action. She embraces silence to avoid saying something that she might later regret, thus preemptively steering clear of conflict escalation.
Barbara Views Silence As a Coping Retreat From Distress
Barbara's silent episodes are her way of coping; she interacts minimally, often only with brief text replies, moves around quietly, and stacks boxes reminiscent of someone preparing to leave. This behavior suggests her need to mentally and emotionally withdraw from situations she finds overwhelming. Jeannie's account points out that, for Barbara, silence is not intended as abuse; rather, it's a less harmful coping strategy in light of her past experiences with extreme physical abuse from a former spouse and her own mother.
Barbara's Unpredictable Silent Treatment Leaves Jeannie Guessing
Jeannie frequently struggles to identify what specifically ...
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Barbara's Silent Treatment as a Coping Mechanism
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Counterarguments
- While Barbara believes silence is a mature action, it could be argued that communication is key in resolving conflicts, and silence might actually hinder resolution and understanding.
- Choosing silence to avoid saying regrettable things might not always be the best approach, as it can lead to unresolved issues and pent-up emotions that could worsen over time.
- Silence as a coping mechanism might be seen as a temporary fix that doesn't address the underlying issues, potentially leading to a cycle of avoidance rather than healing or progress.
- Although Barbara's past experiences with abuse might explain her behavior, it doesn't necessarily justify the silent treatment, especially if it's causing harm to her relationship with her daughter.
- Jeannie's struggle to understand her mother's triggers for silence c ...
Actionables
- You can create a personal "emotion pause" button by setting a timer for a brief period, like 5 minutes, when you feel a conflict escalating. During this time, refrain from speaking and use the break to calm your emotions and gather your thoughts. This can prevent you from saying something you might regret and give you a chance to approach the situation more rationally once the timer ends.
- Develop a silent signal with family or friends that indicates you need a mental and emotional break. This could be a simple hand gesture or a specific word. Communicate the meaning of this signal beforehand so that when you use it during a stressful moment, it's understood that you're not ignoring the other person but rather taking a necessary step back to cope with distress.
- Keep a "trigger journal" where you ...
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Impact of Silent Treatment on Jeannie and Relationship
Jeannie Vanasco shares her experiences with the silent treatment, revealing its profound psychological impact and the complexities of her relationship with her mother.
Silent Treatment As Painful for Jeannie As Losing Her Father
Social Ostracism Activates the Same Brain Area as Physical Abuse, Causing Hurt
Jeannie Vanasco sheds light on the silent treatment's emotional toll by bringing up research indicating that social ostracism activates the same area of the brain as physical abuse. This scientific insight helps frame the silent treatment not merely as a passive-aggressive tactic but as something capable of causing genuine pain.
Jeannie Struggles With Silent Treatment
For Jeannie, the silent treatment's hurt is comparable to the anguish she felt when she lost her father at the age of 18. This comparison is a testament to the silent treatment's ability to invoke an intense emotional response, analogous to profound grief.
Jeannie's Book Stems From Love for Her Mother
Jeannie Empathizes With Her Mother's Behavior, Seeing It As Coping, Not a Personal Attack
Vanasco chooses empathy over resentment in interpreting her mother's use of the silent treatment. By considering it as a coping mechanism rather than a personal attack, Jeannie refrains from taking t ...
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Impact of Silent Treatment on Jeannie and Relationship
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While social ostracism can activate similar brain areas as physical abuse, the subjective experience and long-term consequences of each can vary greatly between individuals.
- The comparison of the emotional toll of the silent treatment to the anguish of losing a father might not resonate with everyone, as the experiences are very different and the impact of loss can be more profound and lasting.
- Empathy for a parent's behavior is important, but it's also crucial to acknowledge that coping mechanisms like the silent treatment can still be harmful and may need addressing for ...
Actionables
- You can deepen your understanding of social pain by keeping a journal to document instances when you feel excluded or ignored, noting the emotional and physical responses you experience. This self-reflection can help you recognize the impact of social ostracism on your well-being and develop empathy for others who might be going through similar experiences.
- Develop a personal policy for addressing conflicts that involves open communication rather than resorting to the silent treatment. When you're upset with someone, initiate a conversation to express your feelings constructively and encourage a resolution, rather than withholding communication, which can lead to further emotional distress for both parties.
- Create a 'relationship resilience plan' with close friends or family members that includes strategies ...
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Influence of Barbara's Past on Behavior
The complexity of Barbara's past and its influences on her behavior, particularly concerning the silent treatment, are explored through her hesitancy to label her own experiences as abuse and her reluctance to seek therapy.
Barbara's Marriage and Mother's Influence on Her View of Silent Treatment
Barbara Views the Silent Treatment as Non-abusive Despite Research Showing It Can Be Harmful
Barbara was surprised to learn from Jeannie Vanasco that some people consider the silent treatment to be abusive. Despite the caution Jeannie expressed around using the term "abuse," Barbara had viewed the silent treatment as a non-abusive action, challenging the research that shows it can indeed be harmful to individuals.
Hesitant to Label Mother's Behavior As "Abuse," but Sees Parallels
Information that would specifically address Barbara’s hesitancy to label her mother's behavior as "abuse" or the parallels she sees with her own behavior wasn't provided, but one can infer that Barbara may have been affected by her mother's influences on her view of the silent treatment.
Barbara's Reluctance Perpetuates the Silent Treatment
Therapy For Barbara Was Dismissed As "Not Crazy" When She Moved in With Jeannie
When the suggestion for Barbara to see a therapist arose after moving to Baltimore, her immediate dismissal of the idea, saying, "I'm not crazy," reflects a common stigma associated ...
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Influence of Barbara's Past on Behavior
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- Barbara's perception of the silent treatment as non-abusive could be a valid personal belief based on her own experiences and cultural background, which might differ from the general findings of research.
- The hesitation to label behavior as "abuse" can be a complex psychological process influenced by love, loyalty, and the potential for cognitive dissonance, rather than a straightforward denial of facts.
- Dismissing therapy could be a reflection of Barbara's personal values or belief in self-reliance, rather than a stigma or lack of understanding ...
Actionables
- You can start a personal reflection journal to identify and document any behaviors you might have inherited from family members. Write down instances where you notice similarities in your reactions or behaviors to those of your relatives, especially in stressful situations. This will help you become more aware of patterns you may want to change.
- Create a "stigma-free" support group with friends or peers where discussing mental health and therapy is encouraged. This can be a safe space to share experiences and feelings about seeking professional help without fear of judgment, helping to normalize the conversation around mental health.
- Develop a self-help toolkit for times when you' ...
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Challenges of Their Shared Name
Jeannie Vanasco shares the unique challenges she faces due to sharing the same name with her mother, highlighting complications that range from being flagged for voter fraud to credit score mix-ups and humorous situations.
Shared Name Issues: Voter Fraud Flags, Credit Score Mix-ups
Shared Name Complicates Relationship
Jeannie Vanasco and her mother found themselves flagged for voter fraud because they share the same name, Jeannie Vanasco, and lived at the same address for some time. This mix-up extends beyond just voter fraud suspicion; Jeannie also noticed that her credit score temporarily improved due to the credit bureau confusing her financial profile with her mother's.
Jeannie Finds Humor in Name Mix-ups Like the Gym Membership Mix-up
Shared Name Bonds Them Despite Silent Treatment
Despite the complications, Jeannie finds humor in the mix-ups caused by their shared name. She re ...
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Challenges of Their Shared Name
Additional Materials
Actionables
- Create a shared journal with a family member who has the same name to document and laugh about mix-ups. By keeping a record of these incidents, you can turn frustrating experiences into shared memories and strengthen your bond. For example, if you and your parent are both named Alex Smith, jot down the time a dental appointment reminder for "Alex Smith" led to confusion about who it was for.
- Develop a personalized verification question for use with companies to prevent mix-ups. This could be a question only you know the answer to, which you can set up with banks, gyms, or any other service that might confuse you with your namesake. For instance, your question could be "What is my favorite childhood cartoon?" which is unlikely to be the same for both you and your parent.
- Organize a "Name Twin" event in your community to connect with others who sh ...
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