In her new memoir, Hala Alyan searches for home amid a family history of exile
In this episode of NPR's Book of the Day, author Hala Alyan discusses her memoir exploring themes of displacement, both physical and emotional. Drawing parallels between her family's Palestinian history of exile and her own experiences, she describes feeling disconnected from life despite her professional success and personal growth, including overcoming challenges with addiction and an eating disorder.
The conversation delves into Alyan's path to motherhood through surrogacy, following multiple miscarriages. She shares how this experience connected to her broader themes of displacement, as she navigated the complex emotions of pursuing parenthood through someone else's body. The discussion examines how becoming a mother to her daughter Laila ultimately helped Alyan find a sense of belonging she had long sought.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Jul 22, 2025 episode of the NPR's Book of the Day
Sign up for Shortform to access the whole episode summary along with additional materials like counterarguments and context.
1-Page Summary
Alyan's Journey and Motivations For Writing the Memoir
Despite her professional success and personal achievements, including overcoming an eating disorder and maintaining sobriety, Alyan describes feeling as though she had been "sleepwalking" through life. Her memoir explores this internal displacement, which she connects deeply to her Palestinian family's history of physical displacement.
Infertility, Miscarriages, and the Emotional/Physical Toll
Alyan's path to motherhood was marked by several devastating miscarriages. The loss of a pregnancy where a heartbeat had been detected proved particularly traumatic, ultimately leading her to consider surrogacy as an alternative path to parenthood.
Surrogacy: A Path to Parenthood and Complex Feelings
Following her final miscarriage, Alyan made an impulsive decision to pursue surrogacy. She describes the complex emotional landscape of this journey, noting the challenge of missing the firsthand pregnancy experience while waiting for developments to occur in someone else's body. For Alyan, this experience resonated deeply with her family's history of displacement and exile, creating a profound tension between gratitude for the possibility of motherhood and feelings of exclusion from the pregnancy process.
Motherhood and the Sense of "Home"
Alyan shares that despite initial uncertainty about motherhood, she discovered a deep love for "architecting" life with her daughter, Laila. Her surrogacy journey fostered a sense of trust and openness that translated into her parenting style, with friends noting her surprisingly relaxed approach to motherhood. Through her memoir "I'll Tell You When I'm Home," Alyan reveals how motherhood, achieved through surrogacy, ultimately provided her with a long-sought sense of belonging.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Actionables
- Reflect on your own "sleepwalking" moments by journaling to identify areas of your life where you're going through the motions. Write down instances when you felt disconnected from your actions, even if they led to success, and brainstorm ways to bring more intention and presence into those areas.
- Create a family history map to explore and document your heritage, similar to how Alyan connected with her family's past. This can be a visual representation using a poster or a digital map where you mark significant places and events in your family's history, which may help you understand your own feelings of displacement or belonging.
- Develop a personal openness plan to enhance trust in relationships, drawing inspiration from Alyan's parenting style. Start by identifying one relationship where you desire more openness, list the barriers you face, and set small, achievable goals to share more about your feelings, experiences, and hopes with that person.
Get access to the context and additional materials
Alyan's Journey and Motivations For Writing the Memoir
Alyan uncovers the deeply personal reasons behind her decision to write a memoir that delves into her complex past and present struggles.
Alyan Felt Life "Untenable," Had Been "Sleepwalking" For Years Before Memoir
Despite having achieved significant milestones in her life, Alyan felt as though she had been sleepwalking through life for several years. The memoir provided a space for her to express this feeling of being internally displaced, which she could not separate from the historical displacement experienced by her Palestinian family.
Alyan Achieved Much but Remained Tied To Her Palestinian Heritage and Displacement History
Alyan had attained a great deal in her life, including overcoming an eating disorder and achieving sobriety. Professionally, she was thriving with a private practice, teaching roles, and pursuits in writing. However, these accomplishments were intertwined with her personal struggles that echoed her family’s history of displacement.
Memoir Helped Alyan Confront Parenting Challenges
In her memoir, Alyan confronts the parenting challenge ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Alyan's Journey and Motivations For Writing the Memoir
Additional Materials
Actionables
- You can explore your own heritage by creating a visual family tree that includes not just names and dates but also stories and personal anecdotes. This can help you understand how your family's past has shaped your own identity. For example, if you have a grandparent who immigrated, you might include their journey and the challenges they faced, alongside how this has influenced your family's values and your own life perspective.
- Start a personal journal to document your feelings of displacement or belonging, using prompts that encourage deep reflection on your roots and current life situation. For instance, write about a place that feels like home and why, or describe a time when you felt out of place and how you coped with that feeling. This can be a therapeutic exercise to confront and understand your emotions.
- Engage in a creative project, like writing a short story ...
Get access to the context and additional materials
Infertility, Miscarriages, and the Emotional/Physical Toll
Alyan's Journey to Parenthood Was Marked by Emotionally and Physically Taxing Miscarriages
Alyan's deep longing for a child has been a path lined with grief as she endured several emotionally and physically demanding miscarriages. Each loss inflicted its unique form of sorrow, but it was the devastation of a most hopeful moment turning tragic—a pregnancy in which a heartbeat was discernibly present, only to be lost—that ultimately led her to consider an alternative path to motherhood.
Pregnancy Loss With Heartbeat Led Alyan to Surrogacy
In the throes of pain and anger at her body for what she perceived as its failures, Alyan's latest miscarriage, which was marked by the presence of a heartbeat that was later lost, pushed her towards an immediate decision. Resolute to fulfill her dream of becoming a parent, she turned her sights to surrogacy, hoping that another's body could succeed where hers had struggled.
Alyan Grappled With Exclusion From Pregnancy While Being Grateful for Surrogacy's Path to Parenthood
Surrogacy Forced Alyan to Confront Exile and Displacement Metaphors Echoing Her Family's History as She Awaited Another's Body to Carry Her Longed-For Child
As Alyan engaged with the surrog ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Infertility, Miscarriages, and the Emotional/Physical Toll
Additional Materials
Actionables
- You can explore creative writing to process complex emotions by penning a short story or poem that captures the feelings of grief and displacement. This activity allows you to channel your emotions into art, providing a therapeutic outlet and the potential to share your experience with others who might relate.
- Start a personal vlog or blog documenting your journey through challenging life events, like considering surrogacy or dealing with personal grief. Sharing your story can help build a supportive community and offer solace to others facing similar situations, fostering a sense of inclusion and understanding.
- Engage in a mindfulness ...
Get access to the context and additional materials
Surrogacy: A Path to Parenthood and Complex Feelings
Surrogacy presents a poignant option for individuals longing to be parents, yet it comes with an emotional complexity as demonstrated in Alyan's story.
Alyan's Impulsive Decision to Pursue Surrogacy After Her Final Miscarriage
After experiencing her final miscarriage, Hala Alyan acted on impulse and contacted a surrogacy agency, telling them she was ready to move forward with the process of surrogacy.
Alyan's Struggles With Surrogacy and Missing Pregnancy Experience
The surrogacy journey revealed struggles for Alyan, notably the absence of the firsthand pregnancy experience. She realised the emotional toll as time moved on, the gravity of the situation sinking in with each update on the baby's development she received through described experiences and phone calls. Alyan reflected on how traditional pregnancy is a time of expectant waiting, yet her situation involved waiting for significant developments to occur in someone else’s body.
Surrogacy Brought Alyan's Daughter Laila Into the World Amid Tension and Conflicting Emotions
Surrogacy brought Alyan the joy of her daughter, Laila, but the experience was tinged with tension and conflicting emotions.
Alyan Grappled With "Waiting For Something to Happen In Someone Else's Body," Resonating With Her F ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Surrogacy: A Path to Parenthood and Complex Feelings
Additional Materials
Actionables
- You can create a personal journal to explore your feelings about significant life events, mirroring the introspection on surrogacy and displacement. Start by writing daily or weekly entries that focus on your emotions and thoughts regarding a current life challenge. This could be anything from moving to a new city, starting a new job, or dealing with family issues. The act of writing can help you process complex feelings and may lead to a deeper understanding of your personal journey.
- Develop a photo documentary of a transformative period in your life to capture the nuanced emotions involved, akin to the surrogacy journey. Use your smartphone or a camera to take pictures that represent key moments or feelings during this period. For example, if you're undergoing a career change, photograph your old workspace, new training materials, or the people who support you. This visual narrative can serve as a powerful tool for reflection and storytelling.
- Engage in a 'gratitude exchange' with some ...
Get access to the context and additional materials
Motherhood and the Sense of "Home"
Hala Alyan reflects on motherhood as a deeply fulfilling experience that brought with it an unexpected sense of belonging and calm.
Motherhood Is a Profound "Home" Alyan Desired but Wasn't Guaranteed to Enjoy
Alyan harbored a profound longing for motherhood but understood that desire wasn't a guarantee of fulfillment in the role. Despite this uncertainty and initial trepidation, Alyan discovered she not only loved being a mother but also relished the day-to-day process of creating life with her daughter, Laila. She muses on the unique experience of parenting, particularly as a solo parent, and finds joy in "architecting" life with her child.
Alyan Discovered She Loves Motherhood and "Architecting" Life With Her Daughter Laila Despite Initial Trepidation
Alyan credits her surrogacy journey with fostering a sense of trust and openness that has translated into her parenting style. She shares that a friend observed her to be surprisingly relaxed and unanxious as a parent. This level of trust was something she had to practice and hone through her experience of surrogacy, which required her to believe in the process. This preparation led to a greater trust in the world after her daughter was born.
"I'll Tell You When I'm Home" Shows how Motherhood Gave Alyan a Long-Sought Sense Of Belonging
The journey to motherhood, intertwined with her search for a sense of home, is documented in Alyan's memoir "I'll Tell You When I'm Home." Emphasizing the profound impact mo ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Motherhood and the Sense of "Home"
Additional Materials
Actionables
- Create a personal memoir project to explore your own journey, whether it's about parenthood or another significant life experience. Start by journaling daily, focusing on the emotions and revelations you encounter. Over time, compile these entries into a narrative that reflects your growth and challenges. This can be a private document for self-reflection or something you share with close friends or family.
- Develop a "Life Architecting" plan if you're a parent or planning to become one, which involves setting aside time each week to intentionally design activities and experiences that align with the values you want to instill in your child. This could include cultural outings, nature walks, or home-based projects that encourage creativity and bonding.
- Engage in trust-building exercises with family membe ...
Related Shortform Content
Get access to the context and additional materials
Create Summaries for anything on the web
Download the Shortform Chrome extension for your browser
