How to Become More Likable and Close More Deals

Vanessa Van Edwards, drawing on research by Dr. Dan McAdams, breaks down conversation intimacy into three distinct levels. Understanding these levels helps people overcome awkwardness, connect genuinely, and deepen relationships—whether at work or in personal life.

Level one Centers on Demographic and Factual Data to Establish Initial Comfort

The first level, frequently the site of awkward small talk, centers on demographic and factual data. These include basic questions like "Where are you from?" "What do you do?" or "Are you a parent?" Our social brain needs these facts to feel safe enough to move deeper, making initial comfort essential. However, staying stuck here leads to dead-end, forgettable exchanges.

Facts Become Doorways For Engagement When Infused With Emotion or Personal Connection

Van Edwards encourages transforming facts into engaging openings by infusing them with emotion or stories. She explains that adding a "fleck of emotion," even to a generic update—such as mentioning a great cup of coffee or a milestone in a child's life—makes facts doorways instead of dead ends. Stories about these facts carry the conversation forward and elicit interest.

Emotionally-Inflected Questions Prompt People to Share Meaningful Responses

Instead of rote questions like "How are you?," emotionally-tinged alternatives—"What’s been the highlight of your week?" or "Tell me something good"—prompt more thoughtful, personal responses. These questions require the other person to reflect and often surface stories or memories that lead naturally to deeper connection.

Preparing Unique Facts or Stories For Level one Questions Redirects Boring Exchanges To Engaging Territory

Preparation is key for both asking and answering. Having an interesting story or quirky fact in response to typical level one questions helps build engagement. For example, Van Edwards describes a dinner companion who always turns menu selection into a discussion about food textures, which leads to memorable conversations.

Bringing a thoughtful gift or offering a recommendation—such as an insider tip about a favorite restaurant—also acts as a built-in story to initiate a unique conversation. By planning distinctive answers or experiences, individuals can sidestep small talk and set a foundation for genuine interaction.

Level two: Discussing Motivations, Fears, Dreams, and Values That Drive a Person

Level two moves beyond facts into the realm of motivations, fears, dreams, values, and goals. This stage is where people start to feel heard and understood, shifting relationships from acquaintance to friend or from colleague to close work ally.

Heading: Ask About Goals, Learning, and Passions For Level two Progression

To move into level two, Van Edwards recommends asking about goals (personal or professional), what someone is learning at the moment, or topics they are passionate about (signature questions). Such inquiries—not just "How’s life?" but "What are you working toward?" or "What’s something interesting you’re learning?"—invite the other person to share about pursuits, growth, and deeper interests.

Van Edwards gives examples: discussing New Year's resolutions around the new year, or, when asked "How are you?," answering with an honest update about a significant project, like a book launch—a response that can lead to further support or collaboration.

Learning to share real feelings or struggles appropriately at level two is vital, whether it’s excitement about a goal or honesty about a hard situation, such as navigating a divorce. Openly acknowledging challenges fosters authenticity and trust.

"Dream Storming" Fosters Deep Connections in Personal and Professional Relationships

"Dream storming," or sharing and building upon each other’s dreams, further deepens level two connection. This could be as simple as brainstorming future aspirations, business ideas, trips, or personal achievements. Research shows that even in marriages, sharing dreams sustains strong bonds; the same applies in friendships and work relationships.

Nine Key Questions For Building Level two Rapport: Inquiries About Goals, Learning Areas, and Personalized Questions

Van Edwards organizes her approach around three categories of questions for each intimacy level, providing a total of nine. The three central level two questions are:

1. What is your biggest goal right now?
2. What are you learning right now?
3. What is your "signature topic"—the thing you love to talk about most?

Knowing these about a person signals level two rapport has been reached.

Level Three (Self-Narrative): Understanding Core Identity, Values, and World-Place Stories Developed Through Relationships

Level three delves into a person’s self-narrative—the core stories, values, beliefs, and perspectives that shape how they see themselves and their role in the world. At this level, conversations might ex ...

Charismatic conversation doesn't happen by accident. Vanessa Van Edwards and Nicole Lapin discuss practical, strategic ways to move beyond small talk and superficial connections, using intentional tactics and magic phrases that foster rapport, authenticity, and memorable interactions.

Five Phrases Charismatic People Use to Connect and Value Others

Charismatic people use a handful of well-chosen phrases and conversational tactics to make others feel seen and valued. These are most effective when used authentically and from a place of genuine curiosity or appreciation.

"Thinking Of You" Signals Someone Occupies Mental Space In Your Life, Countering Fears Of Being Forgotten or Unaccepted

The simple phrase, "I was just thinking about you," or a similar variation such as "I saw this and it made me think of you," powerfully connects people by letting them know they're remembered and valued. Vanessa Van Edwards emphasizes how this phrase counteracts the universal fear of being forgotten or unaccepted. She illustrates that sharing these sentiments—whether via text, email, or in person—reassures others of their presence in your life and makes them feel cared for. This can be as specific as referencing a project or a shared memory, signaling deep acceptance and connection.

"Me too" or "Same Here" Moments Build Relatability and Reduce Isolation

Saying "me too" or "same here" in response to shared experiences forges instant relatability and minimizes feelings of isolation. Van Edwards notes that listening for these moments not only makes you a better listener but also provides a conversational blueprint, especially for diffusing awkward silences or building on common ground. Even small shared experiences can forge strong connections and encourage more meaningful exchanges.

Building Rapport By Remembering and Referencing Previous Conversations

Highly charismatic people remember salient details from earlier conversations and reference them in later interactions. This social memory can include anything from a person's child to an upcoming trip. Vanessa Van Edwards suggests keeping notes or consciously recalling what previously "lit the person up." Referencing past topics acts as a shortcut to deeper rapport and demonstrates attentive, thoughtful listening.

Cultivated Qualities Outweigh Birth Accidents In Authenticity

Compliments rooted in effort, behavior, or cultivated character traits (like reliability, humor, or thoughtfulness) feel more authentic and meaningful than comments on innate characteristics or appearance. Highly charismatic people notice and comment on qualities the other person has developed through personal effort ("You're always so interesting to talk to" or "I love that I can trust you with details"), which conveys genuine appreciation and jumps straight to a deeper conversational level.

Seeking Advice Shows Humility and Openness to Learn

Asking for advice or guidance is another key strategy. Phrasing questions like, "You’ve lived here all your life—what’s the best restaurant around?" displays humility and a willingness to learn. According to Lapin and Van Edwards, this makes the other person feel valued, needed, and helpful, heightening their engagement in the conversation while building a sense of mutual respect.

Storytelling Turns Facts Into Compelling, Memorable Narratives Creating [restricted term] Hits

Stories trigger emotional engagement and make conversations memorable, far more than the mere exchange of facts. Vanessa Van Edwards explains that stories activate [restricted term] in the brain, creating both anticipation and reward, much like addictive social media content. By answering fact-based questions with stories, one can break conversational dead-ends and transform simple exchanges into opportunities to showcase personality and values.

Stories Engage By Triggering Emotions; Facts Are Dead Ends

When asked questions like, "How are you?" or "What do you do?" charismatic individuals respond with stories or intriguing tidbits rather than sterile facts. This creates a vivid, engaging narrative and keeps conversations alive and memorable.

Transform Superficial Exchanges Into Revealing Personality and Values

Van Edwards recommends collecting personal anecdotes in advance to use as conversational raw material, ensuring you’re prepared to transform routine questions into revealing exchanges about identity, values, or humor.

Discuss Weather Only When Exceptionally Good or Catastrophically Bad; Use as Segue to Personal Stories

Defaulting to weather as a topic is a social crutch and usually signals conversational autopilot. Van Edwards and Lapin agree that weather should only enter a conversation if it's uniquely good or strikingly bad, and e ...

Nicole Lapin points to the direct connection between conversation skills and compensation, drawing on Vanessa Van Edwards' research and personal experiences to explore how people skills translate into tangible financial benefits.

Rapport and Communication Skills Boost Earnings in Career Negotiations and Relations

Vanessa Van Edwards explains that conversation skills directly impact the ways professionals can generate greater revenue. Strong people skills, particularly in negotiations, allow individuals to read the room more effectively and ask better questions, which leads to a deeper understanding between negotiating partners. This rapport acts like a truth serum, encouraging more honest disclosure and yielding more favorable terms.

Likability is a crucial factor in hiring, promotions, and client relationships. Van Edwards highlights that decision-makers are more likely to hire, promote, or pay higher rates to people they genuinely enjoy working with. Every financial opportunity—whether a raise, promotion, or client agreement—hinges on the simple question of whether someone likes you enough to offer you the opportunity or pay you the requested amount. Warmth and likability become resources to invest in, as advancement often requires not just competence but also being enjoyable to work with.

Pre-meeting Small Talk Often Dictates Business Success, yet Most Professionals Neglect It

Van Edwards emphasizes that pre-meeting small talk is often the hidden ingredient behind business success, yet most professionals focus solely on content or presentation skills. She shares a personal story: after publishing a book, she was approached by a TV executive for a potential show and crafted a detailed PowerPoint pitch. However, all her previous communication had been strictly business-oriented, without any in-person rapport-building. When she finally met the executives, her small talk defaulted to superficial autopilot repetition, and she failed to establish the meaningful personal connection they sought. The executives cited her lack of presence and ability to connect as the reason the deal fell through, illustrating that even the perfect pitch or presentation can't compensate for poor conversational rapport.

Van Edwards observes that many high-achieving professionals, especially women, meticulously prepare their pitches but neglect the banter and social lubricant that occurs in informal moments: the hallway conversation, the chit chat when executives first enter, or the casual exchange while ordering coffee. These moments often "lubricate" the pitch or negotiation, priming decision-makers to be more open and receptive. She urges professio ...

Vanessa Van Edwards explores the nuanced art of conversation in varied professional settings, illustrating how intentional strategies can foster connection, build trust, and set effective collaborative or negotiation tones, especially in digital or high-stakes environments.

Remote Teams Often Neglect Rapport-Building Strategies

Van Edwards observes that remote teams often skip crucial rapport-building, jumping straight to tasks, which can make interactions transactional and isolating. She shares her team’s solution: starting every virtual meeting with "Tell me something good." Each member quickly shares a positive update, big or small, fostering warmth and anticipation for connection. The ritual, held at the start of every Tuesday call, has made a noticeable difference—one team member even designates Monday as her "do-good" day just to have a highlight to share the next day. Van Edwards makes clear that these five minutes are intentional, not wasted—without such structures, people may disengage, check emails, or join meetings late.

She stresses the importance of purposefully cultivating rapport in remote contexts to balance the usual hyper-focus on agendas and deliverables. Van Edwards’ team sets aside dedicated times, including a monthly goal-setting lunch and social Slack channels filled with memes. Such rituals legitimize social interaction and help even self-described awkward team members bring warmth naturally into the team dynamic. Tools like goal-setting talks, Slack channels, and learning check-ins build what she calls “level two” connection—deeper than surface-level chitchat.

Warmth Enables Trust in Competent Negotiations

Van Edwards discusses the "peak-end effect," highlighting that people remember the emotional peaks and final moments of a conversation most vividly. She offers a formula for strong exits that leave lasting goodwill: reference a future event or plan, pair it with a genuine compliment or specific action, and communicate optimism or gratitude. For example: “I loved our conversation today—good luck with this week’s big presentation. I’ll send you the follow-up materials soon.” This combines future orientation, warmth, and clarity about next steps, reinforcing positivity and reliability.

When conversations involve sensitive topics like money with friends or family, she emphasizes starting with explicit good intent to convey warmth (“I love you dearly, you’re my closest friend”). From there, honestly disclose the problem without sugarcoating (“You owe me money, and it’s causing me a lot of stress”). End with a proposed solution or path to resolution (“Can we work on a payment plan that works for both of us?”). This approach applies equally when addressing tough financial issues within families: open with affection and shared goals, then move into honest dialogue.

First Impressions: Micro Social Skills via Word Choice and Environment Design

Van Edwards underscores the impact of first impressions by intentionally expressing how she wants others to feel. Phrasing like “Are you cozy? Comfor ...

Warmth is essential for building professional relationships rooted in trust and likeability, providing a foundation on which competence and authority can be established. Research shows that the combination of warmth and competence makes for the most effective, respected, and trusted professionals.

Warmth Should Accompany Competence to Avoid Suspicion

Nicole Lapin shares that her producer at CNN once told her she couldn’t be both respected and liked. Vanessa Van Edwards counters this, calling the supposed tradeoff a "false myth." She emphasizes, “You have to have both,” explaining that research shows competence without warmth makes people suspicious. Van Edwards stresses that warmth must come first: “You can be the smartest person in the room, but if you are sharing that without trust cues, without any kind of rapport, people are suspicious of the competence. So they don't sacrifice. Warmth, it comes first. They are sequential.” Once warmth is established, competence can be demonstrated and will be more readily received.

Warmth is signaled through personal stories, genuine listening, remembering what excites someone, inside jokes, a bit of banter, self-directed humor, personalized recommendations, thoughtful gifts, authentic compliments, and sharing personal passions and values. These authentic interactions build rapport and trust.

Women, in particular, are often told to value respect over likability at work, but Van Edwards notes that starting with warmth and establishing trust paves the way for displaying competence and authority without facing distrust.

"Appearing Busy" Undermines Likability, Signals Incompetence

Van Edwards strongly advises against defaulting to talking about how busy you are, especially at work. Research shows that complaining about busyness actually leads others to see you as less competent, not more competent or successful. Saying "busy" is an autopilot answer and lacks substance, often prompting a silent comparison—“I’m busier than you”—that erodes respect and rapport.

Instead, Van Edwards and Lapin advocate for thoughtfully responding to “How are you?” Using genuine emotions, naming specific goals, or sharing interesti ...