A Divorce Attorney's Guide to Staying Together... and Not Going Broke

Prenups With Specific Terms Are Enforceable in Major Jurisdictions Like New York, California, and Florida, Contrary to Misconceptions

James Sexton clarifies that prenuptial agreements are indeed enforceable in major U.S. jurisdictions such as New York, California, and Florida, provided they are properly drafted. Unlike the UK, which takes a less enforceable approach, these states rely on established contract law. Misconceptions about unenforceability generally arise from poorly drafted prenups, often sourced online or written without legal expertise. A prenup that is artfully prepared by skilled attorneys, with both parties represented by counsel, is hard to set aside, and judges usually uphold such contracts unless they are unconscionable or violate public policy.

Enforceable Clauses on Weight Gain, Fidelity, and Sexual Relations With Precision and Clear Consequences

Sexton recounts a notable New York case where a clause specified a financial penalty for weight gain: for every 10 pounds the bride gained from the wedding date until divorce or separation, she lost $10,000 a month in alimony. The agreement precisely defined the base weight and the measurement procedure, demonstrating that such clauses can be enforceable if clearly defined and not unconscionable. Judges may deem these clauses distasteful but will uphold them if they meet legal standards.

Fidelity clauses, a common request, can also be enforced if infidelity is specified with clarity and the penalty is reasonable. Sexton explains that, historically, proving adultery in court required detailed evidence (inclination and opportunity), and that vague or broad definitions will render such clauses unenforceable.

Clauses regarding the frequency of sexual relations are sometimes requested, but Sexton notes their practical unenforceability—specifying proof of compliance is nearly impossible. In general, including a clause does not guarantee enforceability; its effect depends on the specificity and fairness of its terms, the skill of the attorney, and the jurisdiction’s policies.

Prenuptial Agreements Require Careful Drafting, With Non-severability Clauses Ensuring the Agreement's Overall Validity if one Provision Fails

A crucial aspect of a well-drafted prenup is the inclusion of non-severability clauses—these ensure that if one provision is found unenforceable, the remainder of the agreement remains intact. Like any contract, a poorly written provision should not cause the "house of cards" effect and void the entire prenup. The talent of the lawyer is essential: experienced family law attorneys know how to make conditions precise, reasonable, and consistent with public policy.

Enforceability of Prenup Provisions Depends On Attorney Skill

Sexton emphasizes that the enforceability of complex or controversial clauses (such as fidelity or weight clauses) rests primarily on how skillfully the prenup is drafted. High-level attorneys in major jurisdictions know how to maximize enforceability, while amateur or template-based prenups are far more likely to fail under legal scrutiny.

Every Marriage Has a Prenup, Either a Custom Agreement or Default State Law Terms That Can Change

Sexton strongly asserts that “every marriage has a prenup”—either a custom agreement between spouses or the default terms of state law, which are determined by legislators and can be changed without couples’ input. He questions why couples would leave their future in the hands of unknown state lawmakers rather than craft personal rules together.

Prenup Negotiations: Romantic Talks on Mutual Meaning and Obligations, Not Distrustful Adversarial Proceedings

Contrary to the common perception that prenup discussions are adversarial, Sexton views the conversation as fundamentally romantic. It's a negotiation about meanings, needs, and fears, not a harbinger of divorce. For many, it is a discussion about mutual protection—balancing the safeguards needed by a wealthier partner against the fears of the less wealthy partner about dependency or loss.

Update Prenups Regularly Like Financial Plans With Changing Circumstances

Sexton advises that prenups, like estate and financial plans, should be updated regularly. Life circumstances, family dynamics, and asset profiles change, so addendums or modification agreements every few years are prudent. Just as with any long-term plan, regularly revisiting the agreement ensures it still matches the parties' needs and circumstances.

Prenup Talks Build Trust By Addressing Financial Fears and Vulnerabilities

The process of negotiating a prenup opens h ...

James Sexton draws parallels between maintaining love and financial security, emphasizing that love, like money, requires ongoing attention and preventative care rather than one-time grand gestures. He argues that many relationship breakdowns result from partners neglecting the consistent actions and communication habits that preserve emotional intimacy.

Love Is a Loan Requiring Attention and Affection to Maintain, Just Like Financial Security

Sexton describes love as something "loaned" rather than permanently gifted, requiring care and investment to sustain. He compares this to finances, stating that preventative maintenance in both realms involves simple, often unexciting daily habits. Paying attention, staying connected, and prioritizing small acts of affection regularly yield long-term benefits in both love and money.

Unsexy Habits Like Notes and Compliments Preserve Intimacy

The simple, understated actions—sending a thoughtful text, leaving a note, or making heartfelt compliments—help keep relationships vibrant. Sexton highlights how these small gestures, such as telling a partner they’re beautiful or expressing gratitude for time spent together, take little effort but have significant emotional impact. These habits make partners feel appreciated, seen, and valued. He notes that even stereotypically "unromantic" reassurances, like a partner expressing admiration for something as simple as opening a jar, help maintain the feeling of being important and useful within a relationship.

New Relationship Intoxication Fades Without Effort to Maintain Romantic Behaviors

Sexton emphasizes that the excitement and passion felt during a relationship's early days cannot be sustained without conscious effort. People often let these romantic behaviors lapse, leading to gradual disengagement. He stresses there is no secret formula; preserving intimacy is about regularly making small but meaningful choices to reconnect and "close the deal," just as one did during courtship.

Effective Communication Needs Clear Strategies For Discussing Sensitive Topics Without Causing Defensiveness

Effective communication, especially around sensitive issues, is critical for lasting relationships. Sexton and Ledgerwood agree that while everyone hears about the importance of communication, few recognize that the manner of communication—how one says difficult things—matters most.

Broaching Difficult Conversations About Physical Intimacy, Partners Should Focus On Positive Shared Memories Instead Of Accusatory Statements, Allowing the Other Person to Feel Understood, Not Attacked

When partners face challenges around physical intimacy, Sexton warns against accusatory questions like "why aren't we having sex as much as we used to?" Such statements lead to defensiveness. Instead, he advises rekindling emotional closeness by referencing specific, positive shared memories—such as recalling a memorable date or a phase when both felt especially close. This method invites partners to reconnect emotionally and fosters understanding instead of triggering a sense of being attacked.

Promoting Conversations in Relationships Without Defensiveness Should Be Standard

Sexton laments that society rarely teaches these straightforward, constructive communication skills. Rather than focu ...

James Sexton provides insight into the complicated intersections between financial infidelity, relationship health, and the true limits of what money can accomplish within a partnership.

Financial and Sexual Infidelity Stem From Unmet Needs For Attention, Affection, and Feeling Valued

Sexton points out that both financial and sexual infidelity are ultimately betrayals of trust, often motivated by feelings of being unseen or undervalued within a relationship. He observes that people rarely set out to wreck their own lives or their relationships; rather, these betrayals typically stem from unmet human needs for attention, affection, and the desire to feel special. Infidelity, whether it manifests as hidden financial decisions or sexual affairs, develops as a series of small, seemingly insignificant bad choices, each driven by emotional deficits in the primary partnership. These actions are not premeditated sabotage, but the cumulative effect of feeling unappreciated or unnoticed. Sexton clarifies that while these motivations might explain such infidelity, they do not excuse it.

Financial Ignorance and Partner Spending Create Divorce or Crisis Vulnerabilities

Sexton stresses the risks that come with partners not knowing about or discussing their financial realities. He frequently encounters willful blindness in couples regarding custody or finances, warning that being uninformed or disengaged about money can carry serious consequences—especially during divorce, when lack of financial awareness leads to diminished negotiating power. Another frequent source of conflict in relationships is toxic financial arguments, often arising from a lack of open and honest conversations about individual comfort levels with debt and financial leverage. Sexton notes that couples commonly fail to discuss what money means to each of them—whether it is about control, trust, or security—leading to misunderstandings and vulnerabilities.

Money Can't Solve Fundamental Human Problems Like Loneliness, Mental Health Issues, or Relationship Dissatisfaction, Although It Can Improve Life Quality and Reduce Certain Stress

Sexton emphasizes that while money can be extraordinarily helpful ...

Marriage functions as an economy, where partners exchange value, complement strengths, and support each other's weaknesses. James Sexton describes marriage as a balanced ecosystem in which similarities are important, but thriving relationships rely on each partner contributing unique strengths and abilities that the other may lack.

Marriage as an Economy: Partners Exchange Value, Complement Strengths, and Support Weaknesses

Successful marriages thrive on polarity and differences. Sexton emphasizes that a strong relationship isn't founded on partners being identical. Instead, value lies in what each partner uniquely brings—listening, support, affection, and physical intimacy are often shared, but each partner also contributes things the other does not. This dynamic allows each to shore up the other’s weak spots, creating a mutually supportive environment that mirrors a healthy ecosystem. Such differences provide new perspectives and facilitate learning, as no one can recognize their own blind spots without help from another. Partners see and support one another in ways that self-awareness alone cannot provide.

In healthy marriages, partners contribute in various unique ways: one might bring financial stability, another emotional support, affection, or insight. The blend of similarities and differences forms the foundation of a balanced and resilient partnership, where each person both gives and receives distinct benefits.

Understanding Marriage As an Economy Allows Assessing Contributions Without Crude Language, While Acknowledging Mutual Benefit

Viewing marriage as an economy provides a neutral and practical framework for understanding how couples assess and negotiate their mutual contributions. Terms like value, trade-offs, and benefit ...

James Sexton explores the complexities of love and long-term relationships, drawing insights from both professional experience as a divorce attorney and personal experiences with enduring and failed relationships.

Failed Relationships Reinforce Belief in Love's Importance

Sexton reflects on how witnessing divorce and relationship breakdowns among his clients highlights the truth that love requires active maintenance and effort. He compares love to essential needs like breathing; when life or relationships become strained, people are intensely aware of what they lack and what they would give to regain it. However, once they have it, it's easy to take it for granted until it becomes threatened again. Sexton notes that love is not something to be assumed or passively enjoyed; rather, it should be cared for with regular "preventative maintenance" to prevent crises. The heartbreak and pain seen during divorces reinforce that love is a central component of human wellbeing and meaning, and its absence sharpens awareness of its necessity and value.

Parents' Enduring Marriage Shows Love Needs Commitment, Not Just Attraction or Shared Views

Sexton points to his parents' marriage as evidence that longevity in love does not require ideological compatibility. His mother was extremely left-leaning, almost a Marxist, while his father was a staunch Reagan conservative and Naval Academy graduate. Despite their deep political differences and disagreements, they sustained a marriage of more than 50 years until his mother's passing. Sexton emphasizes that his parents made their relationship work not because they agreed on everything, but because of the effort they consistently invested in it. Their commitment and willingness to work through differences carried the marriage, rather than attraction, chemistry, or shared beliefs alone.

Questioning if a Divorce Attorney Believes In Love Misunderstands That Love Doesn't Require Belief but Is a Universal Human Need and Capacity

Sexton addresses ...