Ex-Gang Member: What Makes A Violent Man Change? - Johnny Chang - #1140

Growing Up In Poverty With an Absent, Violent Father Left Johnny Seeking Protection and Belonging Elsewhere

Johnny’s early life is shaped by poverty and a tumultuous home environment. His father, an immigrant chef pursuing the American dream, develops a severe alcohol addiction. This addiction leads to a pattern of escalating violence—he breaks Johnny’s mother’s ribs, severely beats Johnny’s brother, and repeatedly beats Johnny himself. By the age of eight, Johnny realizes he cannot depend on his father, who is unpredictable and abusive. To avoid his father’s outbursts, Johnny starts spending more time on the streets.

At ten, Johnny’s belief in his parents' ability to protect him shatters. While walking home from a local market, four kids jump him, taking his backpack and shoes and leaving him battered. Johnny, bloodied and barefoot, returns home, only to be met with suspicion and disbelief by his father. His father cannot understand the context of racial tensions—there was a war going on between Asian and Mexican gangs in the area. Instead of comfort, Johnny receives another beating and an accusation of lying. His mother, pressured to participate in the discipline, joins in. This marks the moment Johnny internalizes the lesson that he cannot trust his parents—his trauma turns into rage, and violence becomes his means of survival. He develops a hardened outlook, fighting not for fun, but as a way to protect himself.

Gang as Substitute Family: Offering Structure, Respect, and Belonging When Institutions Fail

As Johnny’s suspensions and behavioral problems pile up, the streets begin to take notice. At twelve years old, he is stealing, carrying a knife, and constantly in trouble. Gangs in the neighborhood—always on the lookout for tough, unsupervised kids—approach him. Their initial test, or “banging on” him, involves intimidation with guns and probing questions about his affiliations. Johnny, unconnected to any gang, freezes, but is then invited to “kick it”—to hang out with them.

Soon, Johnny is pulled into their world. The gang boys—some as young as fourteen—invite him for food and introduce him to an older, respected “OG,” the uncle of one of the boys. This man, despite his intimidating appearance and criminal history, is soft-spoken, gentle, and generous. He gives Johnny $100 and tells him that, with them, he is family—a message Johnny, deprived of safe familial bonds at home, finds deeply intoxicating. The structure, respect, and sense of belonging he receives is powerful and addictive, something he never got from his biological family.

Chris Williamson observes that gangs seem to manufacture belonging better than society does for many young men. Johnny agrees, pointing out that the respect conferred in gang life spreads like wildfire and creates its own form of legitimacy and esteem. Even when there is no external enemy, internal rivalries ("set tripping") maintain the sense of brotherhood, structure, and identity within the gang, reinforcing the feeling of belonging and purpose.

While Williamson later asks whether the older mentor’ ...

Johnny Chang offers a firsthand look into how the structures of youth authority facilities and adult prisons in California shape behavior, psychology, and moral calculations.

California Youth Authority: A Gladiator School of Violence and Survival

On His First Day, Johnny Fought Multiple People In "Lining It Up," Showing Passive Behavior Led To Exploitation and Sexual Assault

Johnny first hears about the California Youth Authority (YA) as the place for the “worst” juvenile offenders, though he lands there on his first offense due to a RICO charge. On arrival at Southern Reception Center & Clinic (SRCC), he is immediately tested with violence—asked “where are you from?” and attacked regardless of his answer. He’s introduced to “lining it up," where fighting one person means taking on their entire group, or “ronfla.” On his very first day, Johnny fights six to eight youths, some as young as 12 and others up to 16. The fights continue on the following day. Johnny quickly realizes that showing passivity or a refusal to fight leads to exploitation, theft, and even sexual assault by others, as witnessed among less aggressive detainees.

Johnny Fought Forty People, Internalizing Violence as Communication and Respect, Feeling Pride and Belonging Despite Psychological Damage

Over four years, Johnny estimates fighting over forty people. Violence becomes the universal language within this environment—disputes, or even perceived slights, are resolved with fists. Newcomers are similarly initiated. This constant aggression brings not just survival but a twisted sense of pride and belonging. Praise from peers after violent acts reinforces this behavior, even as it inflicts psychological damage—Johnny describes feeling pride at stabbing someone while ignoring the internal voice telling him something was wrong. Over time, this morphs into a deeply ingrained, manipulative mindset, where every interaction is filtered through the lens of exploitation and dominance.

Correctional Officers Incited Youth Violence For Betting In "Gladiator School"

Adding to the chaos, correctional officers themselves encourage conflict, pitting youths against each other for entertainment and betting. The phrase "gladiator school" is literal—COs exploit the violence for their gain, worsening the brutality and hopelessness of the institution.

Transition to Adult Prison Shifted Gang Politics To Race-Based Solidarity

Johnny Resisted Prison Politics By Fighting a Rival Gang Member, but Learned Same-Race Gangs Back Each Other Up, Shifting His Understanding of Loyalty and Brotherhood

When Johnny transitions into adult prison at age 17, a senior inmate explains that alliances are now dictated by race, not prior gang affiliations. Rivalries between street gangs dissolve—solidarity is strictly race-based. Johnny is shocked to learn that attacking a rival gang member of his same race would be a major violation. Prison "politicking" means supporting even former enemies if they are part of your racial group, a sharp departure from the youth authority culture of “all against all.” He is warned to abandon impulsive violence: "You have to calm down. You will die in here." The violence becomes less frequent but far more lethal—any personal disrespect can ignite a full-scale racial riot, with entire groups going to war.

Prison Hierarchy: Crimes Against Women/Children Require Protection; Gang Members and Violent Criminals Command Respect

The adult prison hierarchy is rigid. “General population” (GP) is reserved for those without certain stigmatized charges (“jackets”) like sex crimes, snitching, or defecting from a gang. Those convicted of crimes against women or children are deemed the lowest of the low and are sent to protective custody to avoid violence from other inmates. By contrast, gang members and those involved in violent crimes command respect and occupy the upper ranks of the social order. New arrivals must carry their criminal files for inspection to ensure they’re "clean" enough to remain in mainline GP.

Prison Programming: Fitness, Yard Economy, Concealing Weakness, Violence Volunteering, Brutal Meritocracy

Life in GP, or “mainline,” is governed by strict rules known as "programming," which means following all regulations, showing discipline, and never exposing weakness. Johnny explains that his struggles with anger and manipulative tactics, which were assets in YA, get him punished in adult prison. Economic life revolves around trade—stamps, food, favors—and hustling becomes second na ...

Johnny’s journey of spiritual renewal unfolds through his profound encounters with Korean Pastor Kim, whose genuine mentorship and scriptural wisdom lead to deep healing and transformation. Pastor Kim’s approach to faith, identity, and reconciliation sets the foundation for a new life for Johnny, marked by hope, grace, and restored relationships.

Korean Pastor Kim's Genuine Mentorship For Johnny

Johnny vividly recalls the warmth of Pastor Kim’s hospitality as he is invited into the pastor’s home. Pastor Kim serves homemade black bean noodles and yellow daikon, an act of genuine kindness that evokes strong memories and moves Johnny emotionally. As they eat, Johnny feels a sense of comfort and care that he seldom experienced before.

During their conversation, Pastor Kim challenges Johnny’s understanding of sin. When asked if he is a sinner, Johnny initially responds by defining sin as the act of doing evil against God. Pastor Kim, however, reframes sin as an identity issue, drawing a parallel to ethnicity: just as Johnny did not choose to be born Chinese and cannot become more or less Chinese by eating certain foods, so too is sin something one is born into rather than simply a list of bad actions. This analogy resonates with Johnny, providing clarity on the sense of powerlessness and emptiness he has felt throughout his life.

Pastor Kim recognizes the perfectionism fueling Johnny’s depression, validating the internal struggle Johnny has never had articulated before. The pastor explains that striving for goodness as an imperfect person leads only to disappointment and emptiness. Johnny, so often dehumanized by family and society, finally feels seen and normal. Instead of condemnation, Pastor Kim offers empathy, telling him, “What you feel, Johnny, is normal,” and clarifying that only by facing the real root of his emptiness can Johnny hope to heal.

Pastor's View of Jesus as Savior, Not Moral Guide, Resonated With Johnny's Inability to Save Himself

Pastor Kim then introduces the core tenet of Christianity: faith in Jesus not just as a moral guide, but as a rescuer. Using the lifeguard analogy, Pastor Kim explains that a drowning person cannot pull themselves to shore—only a lifeguard can save them. Similarly, Johnny is drowning in depression, trauma, and loneliness, unable to escape through his own efforts, no matter how hard he tries. The pastor emphasizes that Jesus’s role is to save where one cannot save oneself.

This message stands in stark contrast to Johnny’s experiences with religious frameworks—like the discipline of Islam—that emphasize personal achievement and effort to reach God. Pastor Kim offers a radically different paradigm: grace and unconditional rescue. For Johnny, this is the first time hope truly enters his life. The burden of perfectionism begins to shift from his own shoulders to the care of a higher power, radically altering his perception of worth and the possibility for real change. The explanation, delivered through a translator, is deeply accessible and profoundly affects Johnny, making him feel seen and understood.

Pastor Kim Urged Johnny to Reconcile With His Father By Explaining Forgiveness Through Scripture, Showing That Understanding His Father's Trauma Fosters Healing Over Judgment

Challenging Johnny further, Pastor Kim asks about his relationship with his father. Johnny admits it ...

Forgiveness Is a Gift to Oneself

Johnny Chang emphasizes that forgiveness is often misunderstood as something done for the benefit of the person who wronged us. He explains that, in reality, true forgiveness is a gift to oneself, releasing the emotional shackles imposed by holding onto trauma. By forgiving his father, Johnny releases himself from the chains of past betrayal and trauma, refusing to be defined by victimhood or bitterness. He comes to see his father not as a purely evil figure, but as a flawed human shaped by his own tragic experiences and trauma—his father killed a man at 19, had an abusive alcoholic father, and struggled with his own failures.

Johnny acknowledges the complexity of forgiveness, noting that forgiving his father required understanding his father’s limitations and brokenness, but the hardest act of forgiveness was towards himself. Self-forgiveness demanded facing his own actions—times when he knew something was wrong and did it anyway. He describes the deep shame and guilt that come with real self-reckoning, a process often avoided by those who have committed serious wrongs. In admitting his own failings, Johnny learns that while God may offer forgiveness, living with the memory and knowledge of his actions is a difficult, ongoing process.

Johnny's Mother’s Faith and Peace Proved Stronger Than Gang Ties or Crime Success

Despite living with an abusive husband and two sons involved in crime, Johnny’s mother continually expressed an unshakeable faith in God’s goodness and in her son’s future as a preacher. Even as Johnny dismissed her hopefulness as madness—or a sign she needed psychiatric care—he couldn’t deny the genuine peace, conviction, and confidence she radiated. Her belief persisted through every hardship, inspiring Johnny even as he couldn’t understand it.

Witnessing his mother’s peace and steadfastness changed something in Johnny. Her actions, not just her words, became a living sermon for him—a demonstration that faith and peace were tangible, transformative forces. Her unyielding belief that Johnny would one day become "the world’s best gospel preacher" planted a seed that would eventually bear fruit.

Spiri ...

Johnny's View of Strength as Violence and Aggression Clashed With Peace and Happiness

Johnny Chang once equates strength and power with violence, dominance, and gang status. Pulling the trigger and engaging in gang activity made him feel noticed and respected; he believed power meant acting aggressively and rising in criminal ranks. Even after prison, when making $40,000–$50,000 a month from drug dealing and attaining the penthouse, women, and all the trappings of the gangster lifestyle he once dreamed of, Johnny still feels profound emptiness. He expects that financial security and status would finally make him happy, but instead he faces depression, sleepless nights haunted by persistent emptiness, and cycles of emotional turmoil that ultimately lead to a suicide attempt. He reflects that no matter the money, achievements, or external success, the sense of fulfillment never arrives. Johnny starts to question the gang culture’s definition of true strength and realizes that all his striving and aggression leave him unfulfilled rather than powerful.

Strength in Vulnerability, Forgiveness, and Honesty Over Violence

Johnny discovers that true strength lies not in dominance but in vulnerability and forgiveness. After becoming Christian, he finds himself forgiving his father—an encounter he ranks as terrifying, on par with the fear of returning to prison. Facing real emotional conversations and letting go of rage require more courage and strength than any gang conflict or physical danger. He comes to understand that the real challenge is to confront feelings honestly, choosing difficult dialogue and rational conversation over the easy, reactive path of violence.

Relearning manhood, Johnny finds that prison culture taught him to hide weakness and default to aggression, but changing this pattern and embracing vulnerability allows him and others to begin to heal. He realizes that faith-based courage—returning to prison to minister to inmates—demands more inner fortitude than physical bravery ever did. The journey to adopt these new values is difficult, confronting deep-rooted pride and the misconception that vulnerability equates to weakness. But through practice, Johnny experiences that expressing pain and showing emotion is a form of true, hard-won strength.

Johnny's Past a Testimony to Save Incarcerated Men From Despair and Suicide

Johnny's Testimony Saved Lives of Incarcerated Men

Johnny channels his experiences into helping others, especially incarcerated men who are battling the same cycles of emptiness and despair. Sharing his story in prison ministry, he speaks openly about his emotional struggles and his search for meaning. His vulnerability resonates deeply—men approach him afterward, moved to tears, admitting they have felt the same emptiness. One confides that Johnny’s testimony kept him from suicide the night before; others share feelings they’ve never expressed. Johnny witnesses transformation in inmates of all backgrounds—Muslims, Buddhists, atheists—and recognizes his suffering has purpose: it brings hope and catalyzes change in others, validating the meaning in his pain and loss.

Johnny continues his ministry, seeing ...