The Biggest Myths About Dating (debunked) - Psychology Roundtable - #1133

The conversation between Chris Williamson, Macken Murphy, Steve Stewart-Williams, and Rob Henderson explores how changing economics—particularly the rising economic status of women—affects mate preferences for both sexes, with nuanced persistence of old patterns and the emergence of new behaviors.

Women's Preferences For Status and Resources Decrease With Economic Independence

Recent data shows young women out-earning young men in major U.S. cities such as New York, DC, Boston, and LA, reflecting a broader trend of growing female economic independence. Chris Williamson notes that as women have become richer, their preference for resourceful partners—historically a major driver in mate selection—has generally reduced.

Higher-Earning Women Prefer Less Wealthy Partners but the Preference Persists

Macken Murphy points out that high-earning women are less interested in "mating up" economically; experiments confirm a broad decline in prioritizing wealth among women with higher incomes. However, Rob Henderson emphasizes that, in practice, high-achieving women tend to marry men doing at least as well financially as themselves. The decline in resource preference is relative: although the absolute expectation might increase, the proportion of importance compared to other partner qualities drops. The desire for resourcefulness does not disappear; it simply becomes one preference among several.

High-Earning Women Prioritize Intelligence, Parenting, Political Alignment, and Resources in Mates

Murphy elaborates that richer women set higher standards across the board. Besides wealth, they seek partners who are attractive, intelligent, supportive parents, and politically aligned. Studies like David Buss's highlight that "attractive women want it all," indicating broadened preferences as resources increase. Thus, as women find financial security, their relative desire for wealthy partners diminishes, but overall standards in other domains rise.

Wealth Influences Preference for Resourceful Partners When Economically Disadvantaged

Murphy notes that resource preference intensifies when individuals are economically disadvantaged—true for both men and women. When poorer, women’s desire to "mate up" grows stronger, but the pattern softens, not vanishes, as their economic conditions improve. This may reflect adaptations to resource scarcity, possibly via evolved psychological mechanisms that modulate mate preferences in response to financial context.

Men's Preferences for Physical Attractiveness Stay Stable Across Economic and Relationship Stages, Less Flexible Than Women's

Beauty Preferences Vary Minimally Across Cultures Despite Wealth or Gender Inequality Levels

While women's mate preferences shift with changing economic realities, men's preferences for physical attractiveness are strikingly stable. Experiments and cross-cultural data show that men’s interest in physical beauty does not waver with changes in their own or women’s economic circumstances—or even with broader societal shifts in gender equality.

Male Attractiveness Has Stronger Biological Basis Than Female Resource Preferences

Murphy and Stewart-Williams argue this stability supports evolutionary psychological explanations: whereas women’s resource preferences are strategically flexible, men’s preference for beauty is more strongly rooted in biology. In digital dating, facial attractiveness overwhelmingly drives swiping decisions, regardless of other profile data.

Wealthy, High-Status Men's Mating Success Comes From Resources Offering Male Competitive Edge, Not Just Attracting Women

Steve Stewart-Williams cites evidence that higher-status, wealthier men are more likely to marry, stay married, and remarry if divorced. While wealth doesn't substantially shift women’s marriage odds, men’s financial resources play a significant role. This effect may stem as much from competitive advantage over other men as from direct attraction by women.

Converging Male and Female Preferences Linked To Increased Female Economic Participation and Independence

Since 1900s, After Women Gained Financial Autonomy, Mate Preferences Between Sexes Have Become More Similar

Over the past century, especia ...

Discussion among Macken Murphy, Chris Williamson, and Rob Henderson highlights an unprecedented transformation in male competition strategies, shifting emphasis from resource acquisition to beautification, formidability, and status optimization, all within the context of a modern "looks-maxing" arms race.

Male Beautification and Body Optimization Shift Male Competition Strategy

Gen Z Males Show Near-Universal Weightlifting Engagement Compared To Historical Negligibility

Macken Murphy cites analysis showing that weightlifting, once negligible among previous generations, is now nearly universal among Gen Z males, describing them as "recreational bodybuilders." Chris Williamson emphasizes the magnitude of this shift, noting that gym attendance for beautification among men is now "4x, 5x, 6x, 10x what it would have been 100 years ago." Weightlifting and muscle mass gain are now dominant behaviors for young men, impacting both their appearance and formidability, and reflect a fundamental change in how males compete.

Male Beautification Behaviors now Consume Unprecedented Time and Resources, Including Grooming, Skincare, and Cosmetic Procedures

Murphy observes that routine male beautification has increased every decade since the 1990s, such that even the habits of "normal men" would look foreign to their grandfathers. Marta Kowal's study, cited by Murphy, finds that while women generally beautify more, gym-centric beautification has driven men in seven countries to surpass women in time spent on appearance. The line between gym for health and gym for beauty has blurred, with bodybuilding and aesthetic goals consuming significant effort. Makeup is also discussed, with Murphy noting that male makeup enthusiasts—while a small population—often invest more hours than women, such as influencers like James Charles spending "16 hours a day." Even outside the influencer elite, daily grooming, skincare, supplements, and sometimes cosmetic procedures are increasingly mainstream among men.

Male Beautification Rises as Women Gain Economic Independence, Shifting Competition From Resources To Appearance

Williamson links the rise in male beautification to the economic empowerment of women, suggesting that as women become less dependent on men for resources, men pivot to competing via appearance and physical presence. He references the culture propagated by bodybuilding figures such as Ziz, with their ethos of "disregard women, acquire dance moves," indicating a shift toward competition within all-male hierarchies rather than for direct female approval.

Formidability and Dominance Better Predict Male Success Than Perceived Attractiveness

Formidability Better Predicts Sexual Partner Acquisition Than Attractiveness in College Males Study

Rob Henderson summarizes David Putz’s study where men were rated by other men for formidability and by women for attractiveness. The results revealed that formidability, as perceived by other men, predicted the number of sexual partners acquired in 18 months, whereas sexual attractiveness as rated by women had no statistical effect. Williamson emphasizes, “finding out that formidable is better predictive of male mating success than attractiveness,” underscoring that status within male hierarchies explains sexual outcomes better than female evaluation of male looks.

Attractiveness-Success Disconnect: Males Optimize For Status Over Female Attraction

Williamson also describes how hyper-masculinized faces and physiques, though not necessarily attractive to women, send powerful signals to other men about one’s formidability and social status. Male strategies increasingly optimize for the male gaze, aiming to impress and outcompete peers—“it’s just signaling formidable, signaling status and formidable to other men. It’s the handbag of the face.” The conversation underscores an attractiveness-success disconnect, with competitive male behaviors often detached from what women find appealing.

Looks-Maxing Culture Prioritizes Male Competition Over Female Attraction

Henderson and Williamson agree that “looks-maxing”—pursuing extreme body or facial modification—often results in marginal or even negative value for female attraction. Henderson warns that extreme enhancements can appear vain or narcissistic and are primarily about status signaling among males. The satisfaction often derives from “mogging” or outdoing other men, rather than from increasing appeal to women or sexual fulfillment, with some men finding more pleasure in reputation and the theoretical possibility of success than in direct rewards.

"Looks-Maxing" and Beauty-Optimization in Young Men Reflect Male Competition and Reputation Management Within Hierarchies

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The discourse around dating apps often centers on the narrative that a small group of highly attractive men—the so-called "Chads"—dominate the romantic and sexual attention of women. However, close analysis of sexual behavior statistics and the unique dynamics of dating app interfaces present a much more nuanced reality. Furthermore, these discussions routinely overlook a vast, "invisible" segment of the population, especially women who do not participate in the online dating marketplace.

Stats Refute Narrative of Few Males Dominating Female Attention

Rob Henderson highlights that, according to data since 2000, about 18–20% of men report having three or more sexual partners within the past year, while the number for women is approximately 12–18%. These proportions have remained stable over the decades, demonstrating that only a small minority of both men and women fit the profile of "promiscuous" individuals. The most common response to how many sexual partners respondents have had in the past 12 months remains one—followed by zero.

This indicates that most sexual activity occurs within relationships, and many people do not have sex at all in a given year. The notion that a handful of "Chads" are monopolizing female attention is overstated; instead, the highly promiscuous (a small fraction, about 10% of both men and women, according to Henderson and Stewart-Williams) tend to engage with each other.

The group of very promiscuous women are highly sought after by both attractive and less attractive men. However, less attractive men may misperceive this dynamic, believing (incorrectly) that all women participate in this high-activity mating market, when in fact it is a small, mutually engaged subset.

Monogamous marriage historically functioned as a type of "sexual redistribution." Pairing up one man with one woman (often in response to both social and market forces) can be seen as a form of relationship regulation, which contrasts with the more deregulated, market-driven system seen today.

Dating App Interfaces Distort Perceptions of Mating Market Dynamics and Real-World Outcomes

The mechanics and metrics of dating apps exaggerate the already rare dynamics of sexual selectivity. On Tinder, for instance, just 4% of men receive the bulk of female swipes. On Hinge, the top 10% of male users get 60% of likes. However, what is being measured is novelty and immediate attraction rather than real-world relationship formation.

Studies show that facial attractiveness greatly outscores other traits in swipe decisions—by a factor of twelve compared to height—because users scroll through dozens of faces in rapid succession, privileging immediate visual impact.

Media stories of humiliating rejections, egregious ghosting, and outlier hookup incidents go viral on social media because of their shock value, not their frequency. This skews public perception: viral stories imply these are common outcomes, when in reality, positive and stable relationship stories receive far less attention and engagement.

Consequently, dating app preferences often diverge from individuals’ real-life partner choices and long-term mating outcomes. The "Chad Monopoly" on these platforms does not equate to broader sexual dominance outside the context of online dating.

"Dark Matter" Women: Invisible in Online Dating Discourse

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Modern dating is shaped by a complex interplay of evolved psychology, cultural norms, and shifting social contexts. Recent research and commentary illuminate persistent sex differences in mate preferences, the impact of authenticity on attraction, and how cultural and economic factors shape ideals of beauty and desirability.

Evolutionary Constraints Explain Women's Greater Choosiness and "Ick" Response

A key concept discussed is the “ick” phenomenon—an abrupt loss of attraction that women disproportionately report in dating contexts. Macken Murphy and Steve Stewart-Williams argue that this response reflects deeper evolutionary constraints. For men, missing a mating opportunity historically posed the greatest risk, whereas for women, choosing the wrong mate could incur heavy biological costs—pregnancy, rearing a child alone, or selecting a partner with poor genes or low investment. This difference drives heightened choosiness among women and underpins the “ick.”

Chris Williamson explains that the “ick” is often peri-subconscious, manifesting as an intuitive, visceral reaction to subtle social cues, such as a man’s clumsiness or failed attempt at humor. Diana Fleischmann provides examples: even minor social missteps like missing a turn while driving or telling a bad joke can cause momentary loss of attraction. Such gut-level responses act as evolved disgust reactions—a kind of behavioral immune system that helps women detect and reject unreliable mates, limiting risk.

Louisa Lee, Stewart-Williams’s PhD student, is studying the evolutionary psychology behind the “ick,” finding support for its link to evolved disgust and mate choice mechanisms. Research indicates that women’s disgust responses function to screen for unfitness signals, promoting preferences for reliable, competent, and socially adept partners.

Authenticity Concerns Lessen Appeal When Attractiveness Is Artificially Constructed

Modern dating is also characterized by increasing use of appearance enhancements—from makeup and cosmetic surgery to digital editing and “looksmaxing.” While these interventions can boost perceived attractiveness, research reveals that the benefit recedes if their artificial origin is known.

Macken Murphy describes a study in China where women’s attractiveness increased after makeup or surgery, but men’s interest in dating them dropped when informed of the enhancements. The initial attractiveness boost remained, but dateability was attenuated. Rob Henderson and Steve Stewart-Williams suggest that learning about enhancements shifts personality inferences—finding someone vain, insecure, or self-interested, which can be off-putting for long-term partnership.

This preference for authenticity explains secrecy norms in looks-maxing and self-improvement communities. A rule of looksmax.org is “don’t talk about looksmaxing”—staying silent about enhancements preserves the social and mating value of improved appearance. Chris Williamson points out that people are hyper-vigilant about “cheating the system,” scrutinizing whether signals of health, youth, or sexual value are genuine or artificially constructed. Once detected, the value of those signals fades, reinforcing why natural beauty is typically preferred over artificial beauty.

Sex Differences in Mating Preferences Persist Across Environments, Vary By Economic Context and Gender Inequality

Debate continues regarding the causes of sex differences in mate preferences, especially for attractiveness and resources. Cross-cultural studies show a consistent pattern: men prioritize youth and beauty, while women emphasize resources and slightly older partners. However, cultural, ecological, and economic factors cause this pattern to shift in nuanced ways.

Gender inequality and economic environment influence the magnitude of these preferences. For example, research finds that preferences for age and resources diminish as gender equ ...

Female Desire Declines Early In Relationships; Male Desire Stable, Suggesting Evolved Mate-Retention Strategies

Studies show that women’s sexual interest within relationships drops sharply—by about half in the first year and continues to decline thereafter. Men, on the other hand, self-report consistently wanting approximately double the amount of sex as their partners throughout the relationship, with little to no similar decline. This ongoing disparity means couples generally converge on a sexual frequency that matches the woman’s preference, compelling men to compromise more on desired frequency.

This pattern supports the idea that women may initially deploy high sexual availability as a mate-retention strategy to secure commitment from men, using sex as an attractant and bargaining chip. Once the commitment is established and costs around sex change—due to factors like age or reduced fertility—women’s sexual interest wanes, and sex becomes less salient as a bargaining tool. This rapid, precipitous decline, occurring within mere years rather than tracking fertility, challenges simple fertility-centered biological explanations and instead highlights active relationship negotiation and management dynamics that go beyond mere reproductive biology.

Desire and Sexual Attention Drive Women's Risky Behaviors

Rob Henderson argues that for many women, receiving large amounts of sexual attention—such as online praise or interest on platforms like OnlyFans—produces enjoyment and satisfaction on par with what men experience from sex itself. For women, this intense attention can be a powerful motivator and can even drive riskier behaviors in pursuit of that validation.

Adolescent Sexual Attention Creates Supernormal, Problematic Incentives

Some of the most striking manifestations of this dynamic occur with adolescent sexual attention. Henderson discusses cases in which attractive female teachers become involved with teenage students, emphasizing that the unique, intense reaction from adolescent males can serve as an extraordinarily potent source of validation and power for these women. He explains that the stimulus is exceptionally rare: for the male student, the adult woman is a “first” and yields an extreme display of attention and desire, while for the teacher, this dynamic is uniquely stimulating and cannot be replicated elsewhere.

Henderson likens this to the concept of supernormal stimuli, referencing pornography for men and OnlyFans for women. Porn offers men near-infinite novelty and sexual excitement, while women operating online can access vast quantities of sexual attention from men. Both technologies harness exaggerated, unnatural incentives—stimulating sexual or attention-seeking behaviors to a degree unachie ...