#1081 - Erica Komisar - The Permanent Impact of Divorce on Children

Infants' Right Brain Develops 85% In First Three Years, Rely On Caregivers for Emotional Regulation

Erica Komisar emphasizes the critical importance of the first three years of a child's life, noting that by age three, 85% of a child's right brain—responsible for emotional regulation—has developed. During this period, infants rely almost entirely on their primary attachment figure, most commonly the mother, for physical and emotional presence. Babies are not born with the ability to self-regulate; rather, they begin life profoundly dysregulated, experiencing intense highs and lows and needing consistent adult intervention to soothe and stabilize them.

Babies Need Skin-To-skin Contact and Soothing From Their Primary Attachment Figure to Regulate Cortisol, Heart Rate, and Breathing

Babies need ongoing skin-to-skin contact, especially in the so-called "fourth trimester" (the first 9 months post-birth), to regulate not just their emotions but also key physical processes such as heartbeat, breathing, and, most importantly, cortisol levels. When babies are separated from their primary attachment figure—even temporarily, such as in daycare or institutional care—their stress hormone (cortisol) levels rise sharply, reflecting acute distress. Caregivers' calm presence, soothing voice, and emotional attunement continually bring an upset child back into calm—a process Komisar likens to navigating a stormy sea with a steady hand.

Lack of Consistent Caregiver Leads To Avoidant, Anxious, or Disorganized Attachment in Infants

Without consistent, nurturing care from a primary attachment figure, infants develop coping strategies that form insecure attachment patterns. If exposed to separation or multiple, transient caregivers, children may develop:

• Avoidant attachment—where the child turns inward and away from caregivers, correlating with later depression and difficulties trusting others
• Anxious attachment—where the child becomes desperately clingy, anticipating future abandonment, leading to a lifelong struggle with anxiety and anticipatory loss (akin to PTSD)
• Disorganized attachment—where the child cycles through rage, withdrawal, and desperation, never finding stable comfort, which predicts borderline personality disorder and emotional volatility later in life

These adaptations happen pre-verbally, before conscious memory forms, and are largely a consequence of environment—not genetics.

Western Culture Overlooks Infant Fragility, Promoting Myths of Self-Sufficiency Rooted In Individualism and Industrial Priorities Over Developmental Science

Komisar critiques the Western approach to infant care, arguing that our society has become desensitized to infant fragility. Contrary to cultural myths, babies are not born resilient or self-sufficient but are neurologically delicate and unable to manage great amounts of stress. The industrial revolution, followed by movements in the 1960s towards individualism and the prioritization of work over family, contributed to pervasive beliefs that babies should be tough, independent, and thrive just as well with non-parental caregivers. This mindset, Komisar argues, is further perpetuated by parents with their own attachment issues, leading to acceptance of substitute caregiving and institutional childcare, despite decades of developmental science pointing to the necessity of secure, primary attachment for emotional health.

Chronic Stress in Childhood Alters Brain, Shrinks Amygdala, Affects Emotion and Adversity Management Permanently

Komisar describes how chronic stress during early childhood—especially in the absence of reliable parental soothing—alters the development of the brain. Specifically, prolonged separation and unbuffered stress shrinks and impairs the amygdala (the brain’s stress-regulator), leaving children less able to manage adversity throughout life.

Early High Cortisol Exposure Leads To Overactive Amygdala, Impairing Stress Regulation in Adulthood

Excessive exposure to cortisol in the early years sets a child’s brain to survival mode: the amygdala becomes hypervigilant (“fight or flight” always switched on), impeding the ability to regulate emotions and cope with challenges later. Komisar notes that children exposed to consistent, gentle, and physically present caregiving can gradually tolerate increasing stress after age three. Overexposure in the earliest years, however, can fizzle the amygdala’s function, laying a neurological foundation for lifelong difficulty with stress.

Mental Health Diagnoses Often Stem From Early Childhood Stress, Not Genetics

Komisar asserts that most common mental health diagnoses—such as anxiety, depression, and attentional issues (commonly labeled ADHD)—stem from chronic early stress, not genetics. She argues there are very few truly heritable mental illnesses; schizophrenia and bipolar disorder are exceptions, but depression, anxiety, and ADHD are largely symptoms of environmental conditions in the early years. She describes ADHD as a symptom of a child’s hypervigilant, stress-beset amygdala, rather than a genetic disorder.

Neurologically Sensitive Children: Nurturing Vs. Stress Impact

While some babies are born constitutionally more sensitive due to a “sensitivity gene” (a short allele on the serotonin receptor), this heightened neurological fragility can be neutralized or exacerbated by environment. Sensitive, empathic, and physically present caregiving over the first three years can buffer these children, allowing them to thrive as well as any other child. In contrast, separation, institutional care, or emotionally absent parenting overwhelmingly hurts these children, making them more prone to distress, behavioral issues, and difficulties with self-regulation.

Boys have been observed to be more neurologically sensitive than girls from the start, particularly in reaction to cortisol, making them more likely to develop behavioral and attentional issues if deprived of close at ...

Divorce is a profound disruptor of children’s emotional security and their sense of permanence and trust in relationships. While no time is perfect, certain periods, approaches, and attitudes can profoundly affect whether children weather a divorce with resilience or enduring hardship.

"Good Divorce" Better for Children's Emotional Security Than High-Conflict Marriage

Research shows chronic, unresolved parental conflict is more damaging to children than a cooperative, well-managed divorce. Komisar explains that ongoing conflict exposes children to toxic chronic stress, which harms their developing brains and nervous systems, undermining emotional safety and the illusion of a “safe nest.” A high-conflict marriage can do more long-term psychological harm than a so-called “good divorce.”

She suggests that if parents can avoid divorcing before their child’s third birthday, they should. The first three years are a critical window for establishing attachment and a foundation of emotional security. Divorce during this time disrupts those processes and leaves children developmentally vulnerable. Only in cases of abuse or severe circumstances should parents separate before this pivotal period ends.

Worst Periods for Parental Divorce: Ages 0-3 and 9-25; Stable Window: Ages 6-11

The instability of children’s brain development makes certain windows particularly sensitive to the trauma of divorce. Komisar identifies ages 0-3—when the brain is in rapid growth and forming secure attachments—and adolescence (roughly ages 9-25)—a period of neurological pruning and identity development—as the worst times for parents to separate. Within adolescence, ages 11-14 (i.e., middle school years) are particularly turbulent due to the confluence of puberty, social challenges, and identity crises. Divorce during these windows can halt or destabilize emotional and psychological development.

The myth that young adults are “done” at 18 is inaccurate; their brains and personalities are still forming. Komisar recommends, if parents have waited until children near college age, that they delay divorce until well after college, ideally until the child is at least 23 and has established a support network and some autonomy. More stable periods for divorce, if it must occur, are between ages 6 and 11, or late adolescence after 14.

Courts' 50-50 Custody Overlooks Children's Developmental Needs, Affecting Young Children's Attachment To Breastfeeding Mothers

The prevailing tendency for courts to impose 50-50 custody splits is frequently detrimental to children, especially infants and young children. Judges often prioritize parental fairness over children’s psychological and attachment needs, sometimes separating breastfeeding babies from their primary attachment figure for substantial periods. Komisar describes how abruptly removing a baby from a breastfeeding mother—whose presence is essential to the infant’s security—for three days a week, as per some custody rulings, can result in trauma for the child.

She notes the increasingly popular 2-3-2 custody arrangement—where children rotate two days with one parent, three with another, then two more with the first—creates disorienting emotional chaos, treating children like “a sack of potatoes.” Kids resent being shuttled between homes and lack the stability to thrive.

The optimal approach post-divorce emphasizes stability: children should have a primary residence, especially during the school week, so they sleep in the same bed and maintain a consistent routine. The non-residential parent can remain involved through regular visitation, shared meals, and ongoing presence, but without disrupting the child’s need for rootedness.

Komisar advocates for “nesting”—where the child remains in the family home and parents rotate in and out—for up to a year after separation. This temporarily maximizes stability as parents and children adjust to the new reality.

Parental Alienation—Obstructing a Parent's Relationship With Their Child—Occurs Most In Contentious Divorces Fueled by Abandonment and Revenge

Parental alienation arises most often in contentious divorces, particularly those resulting from one parent’s abandonment or heightened feelings of betrayal. In such cases, the alienated parent may be slandered or denied contact, intentionally or through subtle obstacles. Komisar stresses that courts should not permit parents to move out of state with children, especially infants, as the trauma of losing daily contact with a parent due to long-distance custody can be profound.

Parents should strive to live as geographically close as possible to preserve routine and ease of access, enabling continued daily involvement like walking a child to school or attending events. Routines like weekly pizza nights and letting the child always sleep in their familiar bed help sustain continuity and lessen the feeling of loss.

Komisar warns against any custody arrangement that eliminates midweek interactions or primary routines, as well as against parents leaking their pain or grievances onto children, creating emotional burdens or using children as confidantes for personal trauma.

Key Considerations For Telling Children About Divorce

When breaking the news of divorce, Komisar warns parents never to imply, directly or indirectly, that the child was a regret or mistake. Children crave assurance that they were wanted and created from love, even if par ...

Society Devalues Motherhood and Caregiving, Prioritizing Corporate Careers and Financial Success, Creating Conflict For Women Between Maternal Presence and Professional Identity

Erica Komisar argues that modern society places higher value on work, careerism, and financial success than on motherhood and caregiving. Women, she states, are pressured to return to work quickly after childbirth, internalizing messages that equate being at home with invisibility, powerlessness, and worthlessness. This push leads to internal conflict for mothers, who feel compelled to prioritize professional advancement over presence with their children. Chris Williamson describes this as a "weird panopticon situation," where women, even before becoming mothers, fear the stigma of lost status, prestige, and independence if they step away from their careers for child-rearing. Once they have children, women may feel left behind and diminished, observing peers advancing in their professions while they invest time at home.

Feminist Movement Devalued "Women's Work" By Prioritizing Corporate Roles Over Caregiving

Komisar explains that, during the second wave of feminism, many women with difficult or traumatic histories shifted the movement’s focus to achieving equality by entering male-dominated roles and attaining financial power. Instead of seeking respect and compensation for traditional women’s work—childcare, eldercare, teaching—women were encouraged to pursue success in domains previously dominated by men. This attitude resulted in the devaluation of caregiving professions in favor of corporate and material achievements.

Women Are Misled to Fear Skill and Career Loss During Child-Rearing, but Skills and Identity Remain and Can Guide New Career Paths

Komisar challenges the fear-based narrative that women lose professional skills and identity if they take time away to care for children. She asserts that skills and career identities are retained and can be redirected or revived when the time is right. She encourages women to see caregiving as deeply valuable, not as a setback, and assures them that pausing a career does not equate to losing one's abilities.

The Narrative That "Having It All" Means Excelling In Career and Motherhood Without Compromise Is Dishonest, While the Realistic View Is Individuals Can Do Everything but Not Simultaneously Across all Life Stages

Komisar and Williamson both reject the notion that women can "have it all"—that is, simultaneously achieve peak success in career and motherhood without compromise. Instead, they advocate for a realistic understanding that, while individuals can pursue multiple ambitions over a lifetime, they cannot do everything at the same time. Life stages may require prioritizing motherhood at one point and a professional resurgence at another.

Lack of U.S. Federal Paid Parental Leave Deemed Uncivilized vs. Nations With 12-18 Months

Komisar calls the U.S. lack of federal paid parental leave "barbaric" and "uncivilized," contrasting it with developed nations providing up to 12–18 months of paid leave. She highlights that, in America, mothers receive no guarantee of paid leave, with policies varying by state and employer discretion. The Family Leave Act only protects against being fired for three months, providing no compensation, and even in states like New York, paid leave is minimal and inadequate.

Returning To Work Soon After Childbirth Elevates Cortisol, Reduces Prolactin, and Risks Insufficient Breast Milk and Postpartum Depression

Komisar warns that the expectation for women to return to work soon after childbirth increases maternal stress, which has direct biological impacts. Elevated cortisol from stress reduces prolactin and estrogen, undermining breast milk production, and drives rates of postpartum depression. The focus on work rather than recovery leaves women exhausted and unable to meet both their own and their children’s needs.

Work Stress After Childbirth Hinders Emotional Readiness For Motherhood, Causing Anxiety That Transfers Cortisol to Infants and Weakens Secure Attachment

She notes that stress from work during pregnancy and after birth transmits heightened cortisol to the baby, particularly in the last trimester and early infancy. This impedes maternal emotional readiness, exacerbates anxiety, and weakens the development of secure attachments between mothers and children.

Performative Commitment to Children's Mental Health: True Investment Is 18-month Paid Leave Starting Before Birth

Komisar criticizes American culture for offering only performative support for children’s mental health. She contends that real investment would take the form of lengthy paid parental leave—ideally starting prior to birth—enabling mothers to mentally and emotionally prepare for motherhood and to nurture strong early bonds with their babies.

"Quality Time" Is a Myth Justifying Parental Absence, Not a Valid Substitute for Consistent Caregiver Presence

Komisar states plainly that the concept of "quality time" is a myth, invented to rationalize and excuse parental absence due to work obligations. She and Williamson reject the idea that limited, intentional time together makes up for a lack of consistent presence. Komisar likens the notion of "putting your child on the shelf" to expecting a child's development to pause until the parent returns.

Caregiver Presence Needed In Daily Transitions For Child's Secure Attachment

True presence, Komisar explains, involves being available emotionally and physically throughout transitions in a child's day—waking up, preparing for school, coming home, doing homework, getting ready for bed, and falling asleep. Children require a trusted, consistent caregiver—often a parent—to help process daily experiences and regulate emotions, just as a digestive system absorbs and processes nutrients throughout the day.

Physically Present, Emotionally Absent Parenting

Komisar notes that mere physical presence does not constitute real caregiving; parents must b ...

The science of parenting hormones reveals how evolutionary biology underpins maternal and paternal roles, shapes caregiving, and complicates modern gender role reversals, especially as parental income dynamics shift.

Different Nurturing Hormones in Parents Shape Caregiving: [restricted term] in Mothers Fosters Emotional Attunement, in Fathers Encourages Playful Interaction; Vasopressin Makes Fathers Threat-Aware

Mothers Produce More [restricted term] During Breastfeeding, Heightening Sensitivity To Infant Distress and Promoting Skin-To-skin Contact, Right-Brain Connection, and Infant Emotional Regulation

Erica Komisar explains that women produce large amounts of [restricted term], the "love hormone," particularly during childbirth and breastfeeding. This hormone makes mothers highly sensitive and empathic nurturers, acutely attuned to their baby's distress and capable of soothing and regulating the baby's emotions from moment to moment. When mothers are present for most of the day, making frequent skin-to-skin contact, they regulate the baby's emotions in real time—a process crucial for infant development, as emotional self-regulation in children is not internalized until around age three. Komisar notes that breastfeeding is often done on the left side, creating a right-brain to right-brain connection, critical for emotional communication and regulation. A securely attached or emotionally healthy mother generally cradles the baby on the left, reinforcing this bond.

Fathers’ [restricted term]: Playful Roughhousing Builds Resilience, Unlike Maternal Attunement

For fathers, nurturing also increases [restricted term], but it originates from a different brain region. Instead of heightening sensitivity to distress, paternal [restricted term] encourages playful, tactile behaviors such as roughhousing, tickling, and tossing the baby—interactions that build resilience and foster healthy independence after attachment security is established. While this kind of stimulation is crucial for children's development, especially in promoting healthy separation and confidence, fathers generally need guidance to adopt maternal-style emotional attunement in the early years. This includes holding the baby skin-to-skin, cradling on the left for optimal brain-to-brain connection, and providing attentive eye contact to mirror the mother’s regulatory role.

Vasopressin Tunes Fathers to Threats; Rustling Leaves Wake Them While Mothers Wake To Baby Cries, Dividing Protective Labor

Vasopressin, another key hormone—sometimes called the "protective aggressive hormone"—drives paternal attunement to threats. Komisar cites research showing that when a baby cries, mothers instinctively wake up while fathers often sleep through it. Conversely, fathers wake up in response to environmental noises, like rustling leaves, indicating alertness to potential threats. This division of parental labor—mothers tuned to infant distress and fathers to external dangers—reflects evolved protective strategies.

Gender Role Reversals: Complications Arise When Fathers as Caregivers Need Training for Maternal-Style Attunement, Learnable but Not Instinctive for Most Men

Father as Primary Caregiver Skills

While fathers can become primary caregivers, Komisar emphasizes that, for most men, maternal-style nurturing, such as emotional regulation and attunement, must be taught rather than arising instinctively. Fathers can learn behaviors like cradling on the left, holding the baby skin-to-skin, making sustained eye contact, and verbally mirroring the infant's emotional state—tasks that mothers often do naturally.

Inverse Relationship: High [restricted term] in Career Mothers vs. Elevated [restricted term] in Caregiving Fathers Creates Complications

Role reversals introduce a neurohormonal paradox: nurturing behavior increases [restricted term] and suppresses [restricted term] in fathers, while the opposite occurs in career-oriented mothers. Elevated [restricted term] in high-achieving mothers can diminish nurturing instincts, while high [restricted term] in caregiving fathers can reduce sexual desire. Komisar points out that nurturing and mating instincts are evolutionarily opposed; men caring for babies may experience decreased sexual interest, while career-driven women may retain mating drive but feel disconnected from the caregiving role.

Research: Some Fathers Feel Emasculated by Role Reversal When Mothers Retain Strong Maternal Instincts Despite Being the Breadwinner

Komisar and Chris Williamson discuss research showing that fathers may feel emasculated in caregiving roles, especially if mothers, despite being the financial providers, retain strong attachment instincts. Mothers may feel ambivalent or competitive if the child becomes more attached to the caregiving father, struggling with the emotional consequences of relinquishing primary attachment. The emotional competition and longing for traditional roles that some mothers experience complicates family dynamics and can create tension or envy—feelings rarely discussed openly.

Low-income Men Partner With High-Income Women, Forming Female-Breadwinner Dynamics

Economic and Relationship Shifts Complicate Sexual Desire, Emasculation in Men, and Maternal Ambivalence in Women Maintaining Primary-Parent Identity Despite Financial Role Reversal

Socioeconomic shifts see top-earning women increasingly paired with lower-earning men, resulting in more female-breadwinner households. This dynamic disrupts traditional sexual and familial roles, as men may feel emasculated and women may retain a longing for the hands-on parenting role, causing jealousy and relationship strain. The lingering identification with maternal attachment persists even when women are not the ...