#1020 - Jessica Baum - Why We Fall for the Wrong People

The discussion revolves around attachment, safety, and vulnerability in relationships, exploring how these concepts are deeply interconnected with one's psychological state and well-being.

Safety as Connection and Openness, Not Just Absence of Danger

Jessica Baum and Chris Williamson explore the idea that safety in relationships extends beyond the absence of danger, encompassing a sense of connection and the ability to remain open and present through life's challenges.

Safety Means Being Okay, Even During Difficulty, Not Just Avoiding It

Jessica Baum defines safety as not just the absence of threat but as a feeling of connection and togetherness with others. She emphasizes that safety involves feeling relaxed and open in your body. Chris Williamson shares that during an emotional retreat, safety was defined as the knowledge that one will be okay no matter what happens. Baum adds that safety also means knowing there is a network of support available even in not okay situations.

Baum discusses the process of rupture and repair in relationships, acknowledging that conflicts are natural and can lead to a deeper understanding of one's partner and greater intimacy. She notes that while such processes can involve dysregulation, they are crucial to close relationships.

Safety and Connection Are Encoded In Implicit Sensory Memories

Somatic Awareness Precedes Perceptions of Safety, Vulnerability, or Threat

Baum highlights the importance of implicit sensory memories and somatic awareness in the context of safety and connection. She points out that trauma and attachment wounds are stored in our bodies, emphasizing that connection and safety in relationships are vital and influence our well-being.

Williamson elaborates on the idea that a secure foundation in relationships can empower people to take risks elsewhere in their lives. Baum explains that secure attachment is built from individuals who have a window of tolerance and a sense of safety within their nervous ...

Jessica Baum and Williamson delve into the nuances of relationships, highlighting that what many interpret as intimacy might simply be the echoes of past familiarities or the misinterpretation of intense emotions.

Familiarity Is Misunderstood as Safety Despite Unhealthy Patterns

Childhood Dynamics Often Unconsciously Recreated In Adulthood

Baum clarifies that secure attachment is a felt sense of safety within the body, influencing how one moves and feels in the world. However, this sense of safety can be misunderstood, particularly when individuals are drawn to what is familiar. Baum suggests that people often attract partners that recreate the childhood dynamics they know, even if such dynamics are unhealthy. This attraction is a result of familiar patterns that the nervous system recognizes and mistakes for safety. She explains that patterns from one's past affect present-day attachments and could lead to inadvertently recreating the feeling of safety, despite worsening relational dysregulation.

Baum is sincere about how childhood experiences, notably those involving neglect, abuse, or trauma, can lead adults to similar circumstances because these environments are what one's nervous system anticipates. She asserts that although people confuse familiarity with safety, they may ironically recreate their deepest wounds in doing so. This dilemma necessitates becoming conscious of the original wounds to break trauma bonds and pursue healthier relationships.

Baum shares personal experiences to illustrate her points. She recounts leaving a relationship that echoed her childhood trauma: her partner struggled with substance abuse, mirroring her father's challenges. Baum's story reveals how early patterns can resurface in adult relationships, potentially hindering one's understanding of what constitutes a safe and healthy bond.

Chemistry Is Compelling, but Not Genuine Intimacy

"Love Bombing" and Idealization Can Mask Relational Disconnection

Williamson differentiates between intensity, often stemming from familiarity, from actual intimacy. Baum describes how individuals might ...

Jessica Baum and her colleagues highlight how healing from emotional wounds requires more than solo efforts; supportive relationships and co-regulation are crucial for the journey.

Healing Requires Supportive, Attuned Relationships Over Individual Self-Work

Baum underscores that a meaningful and happy life hinges on relationships, cautioning that success without connections leaves emptiness. Baum and Williamson note that individuals must work on themselves, especially in the context of secure and supportive partnerships. This self-work becomes optimally effective within romantic relationships, as partners learn and heal together.

Healing Relationship Wounds Through New Experiences

According to Baum, the nervous systems of partners are in constant communication, affecting their sense of safety and connection. She points out that couples often become emotionally triggered together, making independent regulation challenging. Baum highlights that understanding one's need for regulation and effectively communicating these needs to a partner are critical for reconnecting and re-establishing safety.

Baum also talks about the Wheel of Attachment and the transition from insecurity to security, emphasizing the critical role of attuned relationships in this process. She suggests that new, healing experiences within supportive relationships are necessary, especially given the absence of emotional availability in childhood that creates avoidance and unmet needs. By re-experiencing wounds with vulnerability and receiving what was previously missed, such as being seen and acknowledged, one can revise old narratives.

"Anchors" - Regulating Individuals - Crucial For Integrating Past Trauma

Anchors Provide the State to Process Deep Emotions

Baum stresses the need for "anchors" – emotionally present people who provide a state of safety for the nervous system to adjust and thereby facilitate healing. She shares that her own capacity to deeply connect with others is due to the profound support received from her anchors. This support allows a revisitation of past hurt through a lens of safety, enabling the nervous system to recognize new, stable, and loving relationships.

Baum believes that if one can experience true rupture and repair in a friendship, such healing can be replicated with others. She underscores the importance of these disconfirming experiences in altering belief systems and patterns by creating new, supportive memories that contradict the pain of the past.

Furthe ...

The article discusses how societal and cultural expectations contribute to the difficulties men have with accessing and expressing their emotions, and how this can lead to a lack of vulnerability and an overemphasis on independence.

Men Are Taught to Hide Vulnerability and Emotions

Men Struggle With Vulnerability Needed For Healing

There is significant pressure on men to achieve success which can lead to isolation, as illustrated by the example of men who reach prestigious goals like the Olympics but still find themselves struggling with vulnerability. This struggle is often related to their difficulty in feeling seen and deeply connected, which is essential for healing. In order to address their struggles with showing emotional needs or insecurity, men might need to learn to live "below the neck" and engage with their emotions.

Jessica Baum discusses that men often exhibit people-pleasing behavior by avoiding conflict and suppressing their true feelings to maintain harmony. This behavior aligns with men being taught that conflict is not okay, which further discourages them from expressing vulnerability. Chris Williams talks about the challenges men face when trying to revisit past events that are shameful, challenging, or difficult for the sake of healing, especially in relationships. Baum acknowledges that it's hard for men to be vulnerable because it feels dangerous in a society that does not generally support male vulnerability.

Baum further notes that being vulnerable can be terrifying since it is a step that often leads to positive change and freedom which, given cultural and intergenerational norms, is particularly tough for many men. Williamson highlights the concern men have about being perceived as weak when exhibiting vulnerability, which can be a barrier to healing.

Masculine "Independence" and Self-Sufficiency Hinder Relational Work

The trait of "independence" is portrayed as protective, ensuring that safety comes from within, not reliant on others. Society often rewards independence, viewing it as a sign of agency and capability. Baum and Williamson address an "independence disconnection energy," which implies that societal expectations around self-sufficiency and hard work can lead to disconnection from emotions and others. Baum underlines the cultural push for independence, which can lead both men and women, but especially men, to live in survival mode and not connect deeply with others.

Williamson emphasizes the fear that men have o ...