Jocko Underground: If You're a High Performer, You Might Still Be Holding Yourself Back.

Changing core personality traits and behavior patterns is a complex and often frustrating challenge, even when consistent intervention and feedback are applied. The process is frequently hindered by persistent traits, ego, insecurity, and the delicate balance required when delivering direct feedback.

Persistent Traits Resist Change Despite Repeated Interventions

Persistent Character Patterns in Leaders

Jocko Willink recalls a member in one of his platoons who was persistently loud and outspoken. Despite the team's various efforts—ostracizing him, including him, physical violence, and positive reinforcement—his loud personality remained largely unchanged. Over a decade, the individual made some progress, but his fundamental character stayed the same, illustrating how deeply ingrained some traits are.

Traumatic Events Rarely Ensure Lasting Change, as Individuals Often Persist In Destructive Patterns Despite Consequences

Willink observes that even traumatic, life-altering events seldom guarantee real change in behavior. For example, someone might become temporarily sober after a DUI or a car accident, but statistically, most who encounter such consequences continue their previous destructive patterns. The persistence of ingrained traits and habits commonly overrides external attempts to catalyze lasting change.

Ego and Insecurity Lead to Dismissal of Contradictory Feedback

Inflated Self-Perception Leads High Performers to Dismiss Negative Feedback

The scenario of a "rockstar employee" further illustrates this difficulty. Despite his high performance and consistent praise, the employee struggles with criticism: when a project is canceled or requested revisions are made, he reacts with frustration or withdrawal. His record of accolades reinforces an inflated self-perception, making him more resistant to negative feedback.

Internal Insecurity Causes Ego-driven Behavior That Defensively Rejects Evidence of Problematic Patterns

This resistance is not simply arrogance but can stem from deep-seated insecurities. The defensive shutdown upon receiving criticism suggests that negative feedback threatens his view of himself. His ego-driven reactions act as self-protection, making him dismiss or deflect contradictory evidence about his behavior, thereby preventing personal growth.

Direct Feedback Escalation: Weigh Costs Against Relationship Damage

Calling Someone an Asshole Can Trigger Defensiveness, Closing Future Inf ...

Jocko Willink emphasizes that strong relationships are foundational to a leader’s ability to influence and drive performance. Without trust, listening, respect, and genuine care, leaders lose their capacity to guide and direct others meaningfully.

Strong Connections Enable Meaningful Feedback Through Respect, Listening, and Care

Willink explains that leaders must build relationships with trust, listen attentively, show respect, and genuinely care about their team members. This generates an environment where employees feel valued, leading to reciprocal respect and listening. When leaders consistently demonstrate these qualities, team members become more open to feedback and influence. By showing care, leaders create openness, allowing them to address issues or growth areas honestly. As relationships strengthen, individuals are more likely to listen to their leader and accept input about their development or performance.

Leaders Should Attentively Listen and Show Respect to Encourage Reciprocal Respect and Listening

Genuine Care For Employees Fosters Openness to Leadership Influence

Willink underscores that respect and attentive listening foster two-way communication. Showing genuine care signals to employees that their well-being matters to the leader, which makes them more likely to be receptive to leadership guidance and feedback.

Mutual Respect and Established Relationships Enable Leaders to Discuss Performance Gaps and Behavioral Concerns Directly

Willink notes that once a leader develops a strong relationship, they can approach performance shortfalls and behavioral issues with greater directness. These conversations are grounded in trust, making them more likely to be productive and less likely to trigger defensiveness.

With Trust and Deeper Relationships, Leaders Can Carefully Enhance Feedback Directness

Even With Strong Relationships, Leaders Must Address Sensitive Behavioral Issues Cautiously to Avoid Defensive Reactions

Despite strong relationships, Willink cautions that direct conversations about sensitive issues still require care. He suggests it’s often best to use an indirect approach or ask sincere questions, even after reaching a point where honest conversations are possible. Leaders must tread carefully to avoid provoking defensive reactions, even with high levels of trust.

Leaders Who Neglect Relationships Lose Influence, Seen In Military Cases Where Capable Individuals Are Fired Over Collaboration

Willink shares a military example where two capable leaders, a task unit commander and a platoon commander, we ...

Jocko Willink recommends that the most effective way for people to change their behavior is by recognizing the issues themselves. Instead of confronting them directly, leaders can help guide individuals to see how they appear to others and how their actions are perceived. Indirect approaches, such as open-ended questions and anonymous surveys, can support this process.

Using Open-Ended Questions Helps People Recognize Problematic Behaviors Without Triggering Defense

A key strategy is asking earnest, open-ended questions that encourage self-reflection. Questions like, "What did that sound like with Fred?" or "How do you think that landed with the team?" are designed to prompt individuals to consider the impact of their behavior without feeling attacked. By framing feedback through Socratic questioning, leaders foster self-awareness and thoughtful examination rather than immediate defensiveness.

However, for this approach to succeed, leaders must have established relationship capital with the person. If there isn’t mutual trust or respect, the individual may simply dismiss these questions, thinking, "I don't care how it landed with the team. The team needs to get on board with what I’m doing." Building and maintaining a strong relationship is vital; otherwise, indirect methods might be ignored or misunderstood.

Using 360-degree Surveys to Understand Perceptions Minus Face-To-face Criticism

Another indirect method involves using 360-degree surveys, which anonymously gather feedback from colleagues and provide a broad view of how someone is perceived. Presenting such compiled feedback can validate perceptions of behavior, making it harder for individuals to simply dismiss criticism as the opinion of a single person. This evidence-based approach shows them "the numbers" and how they are viewed collectively.

Nonetheless, this technique also has limitations. Individuals with large egos or deep insecurities might r ...

Handling high-performing individuals with difficult personalities—those with large egos, frequent emotional reactions, or a lack of self-awareness—presents unique leadership challenges. However, effective leaders can optimize both the individual's and the team's outcomes through thoughtful strategies.

Effective Leaders Optimize Individual Positioning to Maximize Impact and Minimize Consequences

Jocko Willink emphasizes that changing such personalities is extremely difficult and not a realistic immediate expectation. Instead, leaders should focus on understanding the "human terrain" and strategically positioning high performers to benefit from their capabilities while minimizing their negative impact on colleagues.

Capitalize On a High Performer's Strengths By Assigning Solo Projects, Minimizing Roles Needing Extensive Collaboration to Avoid Ego Conflicts

To prevent ego-driven conflicts, leaders should avoid placing high-performing but egotistical individuals in positions where frequent interpersonal interactions are critical. Assignments that allow them to work independently or take responsibility for results without intense collaboration can allow them to excel without causing team friction. Willink advises against putting these individuals in charge of roles involving significant interaction, where their behavior could disrupt team dynamics.

Leaders Should Leverage Inherent Characteristics

Rather than fighting a high performer’s natural tendencies, leaders can leverage their drive and ego by aligning them with projects that suit their attributes. By understanding and utilizing these inherent characteristics, leaders can harness the energy and confidence of high performers for organizational benefit while reducing the risk of negative outcomes.

Exposing High Performers With Inflated Self-Perception To Humbling Experiences

Another technique is to subtly offer humbling experiences that can encourage self-reflection and personal growth in high performers with inflated self-perception. Willink suggests assigning challenges slightly outside their technical or experiential comfort zone, prompting them to seek assistance or admit knowledge gaps. This method can provide a reality check more effectively than direct confrontation or feedback, facilitating a natural reevaluation of self-image.

However, this approach carries risk. If the challenge is too great, it could result in failure that damages the individual’s confidence or harms organizational performance. Effective leaders must carefully calibrate these experiences to promote constructive learning without triggering lasting discouragemen ...