How to Better Regulate Your Emotions | Dr. Marc Brackett

Marc Brackett and Andrew Huberman discuss how emotion regulation is misunderstood and how redefining it can help build a healthier relationship with our feelings. They address misconceptions, provide strategies, and highlight the importance of mindset, cultural context, and developmental history in shaping our emotional lives.

Emotion Regulation: Building a New Relationship With Your Feelings, Not Eliminating Them

Brackett stresses that emotion regulation is not about eliminating or suppressing feelings, but about developing a new relationship with them. Many people wrongly assume that the goal is to rid themselves of emotions like anxiety. Instead, Brackett explains that he often greets his own anxiety, acknowledging it without trying to banish it. This approach can make the emotion dissipate or simply remain in the background without causing harm. He reinforces that it's normal and healthy to coexist with feelings such as anxiety, rather than obsessively monitoring or attempting to suppress them.

Coexisting With Emotions: Greet Anxiety, Don't Banish It

Rather than banishing unpleasant emotions, Brackett advocates for acknowledging and greeting them. For example, he often says hello to his anxiety instead of trying to get rid of it, allowing it to exist without letting it dominate his experience.

Emotions Should Remain In Our Consciousness's Background

Brackett warns against obsessively checking in with your feelings throughout the day. Most emotions remain in the background and only require attention when they affect performance or relationships. Constant emotional self-monitoring is unproductive and can become overwhelming.

Critical Moments For Regulation Arise When Shifts Activate Emotions, Requiring a Deliberate Response

Emotion regulation becomes essential during significant shifts in our environment or relationships—such as after difficult work interactions or when transitioning between social settings. In these moments, deliberate, conscious responses enable individuals to choose how to react instead of reflexively projecting emotions, like anger, onto others. Brackett illustrates this with the example of choosing not to bring work stress home to family, instead opting for an intentional response.

Factors Driving Measurable Emotion Regulation

Brackett describes emotion regulation as a goal-driven, individualized process. He proposes a formula: emotion regulation (ER) is a set of goals (G) and strategies (S), which function based on the type of emotion (E), characteristics of the person (P), and the immediate context (C). This means strategies must be tailored to the specific emotion, the individual's tendencies (such as being introverted or neurotic), and the current situation.

Formula For Emotion Regulation Includes Goals, Strategies Based On Emotion, Individual Characteristics, Tendencies, and Immediate Context

Brackett's formula underscores that managing anxiety requires a different strategy than managing anger or worry. Context hugely affects which strategies are appropriate; coping methods must be feasible and effective in the moment, such as using cognitive or breathing techniques when environmental constraints prevent other types of self-regulation.

Regulatory Goals: Preventing, Reducing, Initiating, Maintaining, Enhancing Emotions

Brackett introduces "PRIME" as an acronym summarizing regulatory goals: Preventing unwanted emotions, Reducing intense emotions, Initiating emotions for desired effects (like energizing a classroom), Maintaining positive emotions throughout the day, and Enhancing emotions to boost experiences of joy or satisfaction. Achieving these goals requires varied strategies, depending on the emotional, personal, and contextual factors involved.

Managing Anxiety Requires a Unique Approach Compared To Other Emotions

Brackett notes that managing anxiety is different from managing other emotions. He selects different strategies based on the particular feeling he is addressing, integrating his own personality traits and situational factors.

Healthy Mindset Is Key to Emotion Regulation

A crucial aspect of effective emotion regulation is maintaining a mindset that recognizes the value and purpose of all emotions. Brackett and Huberman highlight how cul ...

Andrew Huberman and Marc Brackett explore how socialization shapes boys’ and men’s emotional expression, the challenges of vulnerability, and ways to foster healthier attitudes toward emotion.

Social Pressures Discourage Boys and Men From Expressing Vulnerability

Emotional Expression's Link to Femininity Encourages Boys to Suppress Vulnerability

Huberman and Brackett discuss that, historically and presently, women are seen as allowed or even expected to be emotionally expressive, while men are not. Huberman refers to a “1950s model” still present in family life and attitudes, where it is acceptable for women to be expressive, but men must present a tough exterior. Brackett explains that expressing vulnerability is coded as weak, and emotions like sadness or disappointment are considered “feminine and out of control.” This discourages boys from showing or even acknowledging their feelings, as society equates emotionality with femininity and instability.

Homophobia Links Emotional Expression With Homosexuality, Inhibiting Young Men’s Emotional Honesty

Brackett elaborates that sharing emotions, especially those tied to vulnerability, is not only “weak” but also seen as potentially homosexual, which carries strong stigmas. He cites his own upbringing in a homophobic environment and recounts a school leader’s fear that teaching emotional regulation would “turn the boys into homosexuals.” The association between emotional expression, homosexuality, and femininity persists in culture and socialization, constraining boys’ and men’s emotional honesty.

The Problem Is Not Emotion but Teaching Boys Their Emotions Are Unwelcome, Dangerous, or Weak

Brackett emphasizes that the real problem isn’t emotion itself, but the message taught to boys: their emotions are unwelcome, dangerous, or weak. Socialization practices, including different emotional vocabularies and expectations from fathers toward sons versus daughters, reinforce to boys that they must “toughen up.” Boys subsequently suppress, deny, and ignore their feelings—not because feelings are unnatural for them, but because they learn they are unwelcome.

Huberman describes how displays of emotion like crying in front of peers, especially during formative years such as seventh or eighth grade, can have lasting negative impacts due to peer judgment. In status- and peer-focused settings, vulnerability becomes especially fraught, as it risks ridicule and exclusion.

Brackett also points out it is much easier for boys and men to express anger, which is outward and socially validated, than to express emotions—like sadness or shame—that make them internally vulnerable.

Creating Cultural Models in Schools Can Change Boys' Views on Emotional Expression

With Emotional Intelligence Training in Schools, Boys View Crying and Vulnerability As Normal

Brackett describes visiting schools where emotional intelligence training is implemented. In these environments, boys report a completely different relationship to emotion and vulnerability. When asking teenage boys about crying, their responses are, “What’s wrong with crying? If you feel like crying, you cry.” The act becomes normalized, and ridicule is absent.

Modeling Emotional Awareness by Authority Figures Allows Boys to Engage With Their Emotions Without Fear of Ridicule or Judgment

Brackett highlights the value of authority figures sharing their own emotional experiences. He recounts telling students and teachers about feeling discouraged, thus displaying emotional openness in front of boys and staff. As a leader, he shifted his approach to be more authentic about emotions, acknowledging his struggles and explaining how he managed those feelings, thereby modeling healthy emotional processing.

Role-Playing Social Scenarios Helps Students Confidently Express and Respond To Emotions in Real Life

Brackett’s program uses rigorous, structured lessons that include role-playing social scenarios, such as managing exclusion in a school game. Students are tasked with recognizing their feelings and brainstorming solutions, then act out and discuss responses to potential challenges. This repeated practice enables both boys and girls to gain confidence in expressing emotion and seeking resolutions—ev ...

Emotion regulation is an essential life skill. Marc Brackett and Andrew Huberman emphasize practical, evidence-based methods for handling emotions effectively, enabling people to move away from automatic, unhelpful reactions toward conscious, values-driven responses.

"Meta Moment" Separates Trigger From Response

The “meta moment” is a tool Brackett describes as indispensable for pausing between an emotional trigger and response. The practice begins by noticing emotional activation, such as realization of anger or frustration before entering a new environment. The first step is to recognize this shift and build awareness of the potential for an unhelpful automatic reaction.

Crucially, taking a breath interrupts the reactive pattern and helps regain access to the prefrontal cortex for more thoughtful decision-making. Brackett suggests taking 20–30 seconds to check in, breathe, and ask oneself how to be seen and experienced in the situation. Sometimes, multiple breaths or several loops around the house might be required to achieve calm.

After creating this space, Brackett recommends identifying your best self—reflecting on the person you want to be in your role as a parent, spouse, or professional. This values-based mindset pulls you away from triggers and back to your aspirations. Actions that flow from this self-alignment produce outcomes much different from those driven by raw impulse. Examples include choosing to pause and handle an unpleasant phone call constructively, rather than projecting that emotion onto others—a strategy that children and adults alike can learn and model.

Precise Emotional Vocabulary Is Crucial for Effective Regulation Strategies

Brackett and Huberman stress that knowing and using specific emotional labels greatly impacts emotional regulation. People often generalize feelings—saying “I’m fine,” “okay,” or “upset”—but such vagueness hinders strategy selection and communication. Differentiating anxiety, fear, stress, and pressure is not hair-splitting; it is necessary for choosing effective coping mechanisms.

Brackett breaks down core emotional themes: anxiety reflects uncertainty about the future, stress arises when demands exceed resources, pressure comes from high stakes, and fear signals immediate danger. Correctly labeling whether you feel angry, disappointed, envious, or jealous guides you toward the right solution. For example, disappointment and anger may require different forms of self-talk or behavioral responses.

Precise language also enables clearer asking for support and communicating needs. Tools like the How We Feel app assist users in developing this vocabulary over time.

Deploy Regulation Strategies Based On Your Situation

No single emotion regulation tactic fits every context; strategies should match needs.

• Physiological strategies: While breathing is helpful, it may not be sufficient on its own. Activities like walking, looping around the block, or yoga help activate the parasympathetic nervous system, assisting in downregulation.
• Cognitive strategies: Reframing thoughts—asking if there’s another way to interpret a situation—can be powerful. However, Brackett cautions against gaslighting oneself or others; true cognitive reappraisal should involve honest, science-minded inquiry: “Is this story helping me live the life I want?” Practicing gratitude instead of resentment, or thinking like a scientist to assess real progress, can facilitate adaptive coping.
• Behavioral strategies: Taking walks, exercising, calling a supportive friend, or simply leaving a dysregulating situation to reset are valuable concrete steps.
• Biological basics: Sleep, nutrition, and exercise underpin all regulatory capacities. Poor sleep, unh ...

Marc Brackett frames emotional self-awareness and regulation as essential for being an effective student, partner, manager, or leader. He emphasizes that success in these roles depends less on technical or academic skills and more on clarity about one's own feelings and the ability to manage them. Andrew Huberman concurs, imagining a cultural evolution where emotional intelligence becomes a key differentiator in personal and professional success.

Ruler Framework: Building Emotional Intelligence Across Five Domains

Brackett introduces the RULER framework, which outlines five domains for building emotional intelligence: Recognizing, Understanding, Labeling, Expressing, and Regulating emotions.

Recognizing Emotions: Perceiving Them Through Expressions, Tone, Body Language, and Behavior

Brackett explains that recognizing emotions involves perceiving feelings through facial expressions, tone, body language, and behavior. While it's challenging to know exactly how someone feels just by observation, one can form a hypothesis and check in with that person to seek clarity, thereby building relationships. He references research by Lisa Feldman Barrett, which underscores the complexity of emotion perception.

Understanding Emotions Involves Grasping Themes Like Injustice For Anger or Loss For Sadness

Understanding emotions requires discerning the underlying themes or triggers. For example, anger typically relates to perceived injustice, though individuals' relationships to anger differ based on developmental history. Brackett illustrates that his own childhood experience made him fear anger, whereas others may react differently. These differences stem from unique life stories, cultural backgrounds, or identities, such as being LGBTQIA or not. Genuine understanding calls for acknowledging this variability and striving for empathy rooted in curiosity rather than judgment.

Accurate Vocabulary Essential for Labeling Emotions With Specificity and Nuance

Labeling emotions demands a specific and nuanced vocabulary to identify what is truly being experienced. Marc Brackett stresses that having precise language enables better recognition and communication of emotional experiences.

Expressing Emotions: Knowing When and how to Communicate Feelings Effectively Across Relationships and Contexts

Expressing emotions involves knowing how and when to communicate feelings across different relationships and contexts. It is important to ask whether the way emotions are communicated achieves the intended outcome or risks misunderstanding or driving others away. Brackett advises ongoing self-reflection about how one’s communication of emotion is received.

Regulating Emotions: Strategies For Managing Emotions to Achieve Goals

Regulating emotions is the final domain and focuses on managing feelings to support goals. Brackett states that one must determine if emotions are helping or hindering the achievement of objectives and, if necessary, use strategies to manage them constructively.

Emotional Intelligence Predicts Success in Relationships, Leadership, Well-Being

Research, according to Brackett, consistently shows that emotionally intelligent leaders and individuals are more successful in life domains that matter—well-being, leadership, decision-making, and mental health.

Emotionally Supportive Leaders Reduce Burnout and Boost Job Satisfaction

Brackett highlights research in educational settings where teachers who perceived their leaders as emotionally self-aware and skilled at co-regulation reported 40% less frustration. These emotionally supportive leaders provided crucial stability and support, significantly predicting positive school culture, reduced burnout, and higher job satisfaction.

Managers and Leaders With Strong Co-regulation Skills Enhance Team Safety and Performance

Good co-regulators, who manage their emotions and help others do the same, are linked to positive outcomes in schools and other organizations. Such leaders serve as role models during crises, like the pandemic, showing teams how to process and regulate emotions for shared well-being and resilience.

Emotional Intelligence Better Predicts Long-Term Success Than Academics or Technical Skills, Especially in Relationships or Leadership Roles

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Marc Brackett and Andrew Huberman explore the importance of systemic implementation of emotional intelligence (EI) training in schools and organizations, emphasizing that true cultural change depends on consistency, rigor, and a unified approach.

Implement Emotional Intelligence Training for Lasting Cultural Change

Isolated Teachers/Classrooms Don't Ensure Systemic Change Due to Inconsistent Messaging and Frameworks

Marc Brackett explains that having individual teachers or classrooms train in emotional intelligence without a broader strategy does not create lasting impact. He learned through experience that systemic change requires more than just isolated workshops; it requires aligning leaders, teachers, students, and parents under the same framework and terminology. Brackett gives the example of his RULER program, implemented across all 21 schools in a Harlem district, involving every leader, teacher, and student to ensure coherent practice and messaging.

Unified Language For Emotions and Regulation Among Leaders, Teachers, Students, and Parents

Both Brackett and Huberman stress the need for a universal nomenclature for emotional skills. Huberman compares this to scientific language—expressing that just as "mitochondria" means the same thing everywhere, emotional terms and regulations should similarly be standardized. Brackett points out, for example, that the deputy superintendent in Harlem can visit a kindergarten classroom and hold an emotionally intelligent conversation using the same language and techniques as teachers. This ensures students receive consistent strategies and understanding no matter who is teaching them.

Superintendent's Role in Kindergarten Emotional Conversations for Consistent Terminology and Approaches

This district-wide consistency allows superintendents and leaders to reinforce emotional skills from the youngest classrooms to higher grades, leading to a collective competence across the community.

Implementation Requires Rigorous Training, Not Superficial Approaches

True mastery of emotional intelligence comes from rigorous, skill-focused training, not brief or superficial interventions. Brackett details how his programs go beyond lectures; they involve structured frameworks for teaching problem-solving processes. For example, students are placed into groups to discuss what feelings arise, which solutions are available, and what to do for themselves and others. They practice role-playing scenarios and receive feedback on their responses. If a situation escalates unexpectedly, students are challenged to problem-solve in real-time, building complex interpersonal skills.

This approach is demanding and repetitive, ensuring that teachers, leaders, and students achieve genuine competence and can handle real-world emotional challenges with confidence and adaptability.

Systemic Approach Prepares Youth For Life's Demands

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Emotion regulation is essential as society becomes more complex and stressors multiply. Experts Marc Brackett and Andrew Huberman emphasize that genuine emotion regulation should foster resilience, growth, and healthy relationships, not avoidance or suppression.

Emotion Regulation Doesn't Require Suppressing Legitimate Responses

Brackett challenges the claim that encouraging students to process emotions in schools makes them fragile. Effective regulation is not about sitting in feelings or suppressing legitimate responses to difficult realities like poverty, racism, war, or inequality. Instead, emotional intelligence requires individuals to recognize whether their emotions help or hinder goal achievement. If emotion and behavior impede progress, individuals need strategies to process feelings and move forward. The focus is not on being stuck, but on finding creative solutions and acting from deeply felt values.

He illustrates this through a school’s response to a distressing election, where allowing students to take a day off did not help them process or move past difficult emotions, but left them without actionable skills. The goal is to help people feel deeply and still be able to respond effectively, communicate productively, and maintain relationships, rather than being paralyzed by emotion or lashing out—neither of which typically produce desired change.

A key question is whether one's emotional expression fosters solutions or hinders progress. Brackett notes that yelling doesn't help; it often shuts others down and prevents productive engagement. Successful regulation means being able to experience a full range of emotions, regulate effectively, and strive toward one’s goals even amid discomfort.

Modern Culture Challenges Youth's Emotional Well-Being, Needing Skill-Building Over Avoidance

Today’s adolescents confront unprecedented pressures, including climate anxiety, political polarization, warfare, threats to future careers from AI, and the barrage of distressing information available online. Brackett argues that approaches like letting students miss school when overwhelmed may provide temporary relief, but ultimately stunts their emotional resilience and problem-solving abilities. Such avoidance teaches them to withdraw rather than cope.

Instead, youth need to build practical emotional management skills: responsibly facing their duties, learning from discomfort, cultivating relationships, and fostering personal growth. Instilling resilience means helping them navigate feelings constructively, not shielding them from all discomfort or struggle.

Tech & AI Can't Replace Human Connection

As technology advances, many adolescents replace real relationships with digital interactions. Brackett notes that around 20% of adolescents use AI chatbots as therapists or companions, substituting for human bonds. While technology promises novel solutions, it often increases isolation and emotional dysfunction—the same pattern seen with video games, social media, and the broader internet.

In moments of trauma or crisis, the tangible presence, listening, and care provided by real people cannot be replicated by any algorithm. Human connection is irreplaceable, reinforcing the importance of community and presence in fostering emotional health.

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