Defining Healthy Masculinity & How to Build It | Terry Real
In this episode of the Huberman Lab podcast, Terry Real and Andrew Huberman examine how traditional masculine ideals affect men's mental health and relationships. They explore why equating stoicism with strength while rejecting vulnerability can be psychologically damaging, and discuss how men can develop healthier ways to express emotions and needs.
The conversation covers the importance of male friendships and mentorship in supporting mental well-being, particularly for young men seeking direction and purpose. Real and Huberman address how economic uncertainty and changing social roles have created identity challenges for many men, and outline practical approaches to building self-worth, maintaining accountability in relationships, and creating supportive communities where men can make meaningful contributions.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Dec 29, 2025 episode of the Huberman Lab
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1-Page Summary
Modern Masculinity Crisis: A New Model Needed
Terry Real examines the challenges men face in modern society, highlighting the urgent need for a new approach to masculinity. He critiques traditional masculine ideals that equate stoicism with strength and reject vulnerability as weakness, explaining that these norms are increasingly viewed as unrealistic and psychologically damaging.
Men's Emotional Expression, Vulnerability, and Relational Skills
Real and Huberman discuss how suppressing emotions negatively impacts men's mental and physical health. They emphasize that thriving in life requires actively working on expressing and processing feelings. Real advocates for men to express their needs in healthy, non-entitled ways, suggesting that authentic connectedness comes through non-demanding requests for help and acknowledging mistakes.
The experts highlight key relational skills men need to develop, including active listening and empathy. Real notes that men often default to "objectivity battles" rather than empathic engagement during conflicts, and suggests instead focusing on recognizing and addressing partners' feelings directly.
Community, Purpose, and Self-Esteem in Men's Wellbeing
Huberman identifies a concerning trend among young men who lack direction and purpose, often leading to depression and addiction. Both experts emphasize the vital role of male friendships and community in supporting mental health. Real discusses how many men struggle with shame, which can undermine accountability in relationships, and advocates for teaching men to balance feeling appropriately bad about mistakes while maintaining self-worth.
The conversation addresses how economic uncertainty and eroding traditional male roles have created an identity crisis for many men. Real emphasizes the importance of older men mentoring younger ones and creating supportive communities where men can find meaningful roles and make positive contributions to society.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- Traditional masculine ideals may have evolved for historical reasons, and some argue they can be adaptive in certain contexts or environments.
- The concept of stoicism can be interpreted as emotional regulation rather than suppression, which is a valuable skill in managing stress and adversity.
- The emphasis on vulnerability might overlook the importance of resilience and the ability to cope with challenges without external support.
- Expressing and processing feelings are important, but there should be a balance to ensure that emotional expression does not lead to emotional dependency or a lack of personal responsibility.
- The idea that men should express needs in non-entitled ways is valid, but it's also important to recognize that assertiveness and the ability to negotiate for one's interests are also healthy traits.
- While empathy and active listening are crucial, there may be situations where objective analysis and problem-solving are more effective approaches to conflict resolution.
- The narrative that young men lack direction and purpose could be seen as a generalization and may not account for individual differences or the diverse ways in which young men find meaning in their lives.
- The role of male friendships and community is highlighted, but it's also important to acknowledge the value of cross-gender friendships and diverse social networks.
- The discussion about shame could benefit from recognizing that shame, in moderation, can be a powerful motivator for personal growth and ethical behavior.
- The focus on the negative aspects of economic uncertainty and changing male roles may not sufficiently acknowledge the opportunities these changes create for men to redefine success and find fulfillment in non-traditional roles.
- The call for older men to mentor younger men is valuable, but it's also important to consider the benefits of intergenerational learning where younger men can also teach older men about new societal norms and technologies.
Actionables
- Start a personal emotion journal to track and reflect on your feelings daily, which can help you become more comfortable with expressing emotions. By writing down your emotions, you can begin to understand patterns in your emotional responses and identify situations that make you feel vulnerable. For example, if you notice that you feel anxious before meetings, you can prepare by practicing relaxation techniques or planning how to express your concerns constructively.
- Create a "listening partnership" with a friend where you take turns actively listening to each other without offering solutions or judgments. This practice can enhance your empathy and active listening skills. You might meet weekly for coffee and dedicate 30 minutes to each person to share their thoughts and feelings while the other simply listens, reflecting back what they heard without trying to fix the issue.
- Volunteer for a mentorship program or join a men's group that focuses on personal development and community support. Engaging in these groups can provide a sense of purpose and direction while also helping you build relational skills in a supportive environment. Look for local community centers or online platforms where such groups may be advertised, and commit to attending regularly to foster meaningful connections.
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Modern Masculinity Crisis: A New Model Needed
Terry Real explores the challenges faced by men in the modern era, emphasizing the need for a transformative approach to masculinity that embraces vulnerability, connection, and relational skills.
Harm of Traditional Masculinity: Stoicism, Invulnerability, Disconnection Hurt Men's Mental Health
Real critiques traditional masculine ideals that equate stoicism with strength and denounce vulnerability as weakness.
Masculinity Suppresses Vulnerability and Emotions, Hindering Connection
Terry Real describes traditional masculinity as being predicated on stoicism and invulnerability, which is increasingly viewed as unrealistic and psychologically damaging. Traditional norms portray vulnerability as feminine and undesirable, leading to chronic anxiety and depression, as they deny an inherent human condition: vulnerability.
Men Confused As Traditional Masculinity Shifts
Real explains that societal shifts have created uncertainty about male identity and a mental health crisis among men. Confusion arises as global trends both celebrate and challenge traditional masculinity. Rigid guidelines, such as diagrams from past eras dictating "masculine" postures, indicate the restrictive nature of former masculine ideals.
Embracing Emotional Expression, Vulnerability, and Relational Skills in Masculinity
A new model of masculinity is promoted by Real, one that combines emotional openness with a dedication to relational skills and responsibility.
Masculinity: Big-hearted, Strong, Connected, and Giving Over Individual Empowerment
Real advocates for an evolved concept of m ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Modern Masculinity Crisis: A New Model Needed
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- Traditional masculinity has historically provided a framework for stability and clear roles within society, which some argue can be beneficial for individual and societal functioning.
- Stoicism, a component of traditional masculinity, can be seen as a valuable philosophy that teaches self-control and resilience in the face of hardship, rather than a harmful suppression of emotion.
- The concept of vulnerability can be interpreted in various ways, and some may argue that there is a time and place for vulnerability, suggesting that constant openness is not always appropriate or safe.
- The crisis in modern masculinity might also be attributed to factors beyond the traditional masculine norms, such as economic changes, the rise of technology, and shifting job markets.
- Some may argue that the push for a new model of masculinity undervalues the positive aspects of traditional masculinity, such as leadership, protection, and providing for one's family.
- There is a perspective that suggests the new model of masculinity may not resonate with all men and could lead to its own set of challenges and pressures.
- The idea of moving beyond selfishness to relational skills and responsibility could be seen as an oversimplification of complex gender dynamics and individual differences among men.
- The call for men to rejec ...
Actionables
- Start a personal "vulnerability journal" where you document moments you felt vulnerable and how you responded. This practice can help you become more aware of your emotional patterns and encourage you to consider alternative, healthier responses that embrace vulnerability as a strength.
- Create a "masculinity book club" with friends or colleagues, focusing on literature that explores diverse male identities and emotional experiences. This can stimulate discussions about evolved masculinity and provide a safe space for emotional sharing and connection.
- Volunteer for mentorship ...
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Men's Emotional Expression, Vulnerability, and Relational Skills
Concerns regarding men's emotional expression and the ability to navigate relationships effectively have surfaced due to high rates of depression and suicide among men.
Emotional Expression Vital for Men's Health
Experts emphasize the fundamental need for men to express and connect through emotions for their overall health.
Suppressing Emotions Harms; Vulnerability and Connection Essential For Wellbeing
Huberman and Real have a critical discussion on men's mental health, pointing out that thriving in life goes hand-in-hand with actively working on expressing and processing feelings. Real paints "psychological patriarchy" as a toxic straitjacket, hindering emotional expression and damaging men's mental health. Highlighting how unnatural disconnection is for humans, he notes the havoc it wreaks on men's abilities to connect with others and themselves. Real stresses the significance of vulnerability for connection and overall health. Huberman agrees, linking the suppression of emotions to heart health deterioration. Real further articulates that men who have tapped into their emotions often lack the skills to connect deeply. Bottling up emotions harms not only the individual but also those around them.
Men Should Express Emotions and Non-regressively and Non-entitled in Relationships
Men failing to express their needs in a healthy manner can create barriers in achieving authentic connectedness.
Seeking Help and Owning Mistakes
Real advocates for non-demanding requests for help and the acknowledgment of errors as the path toward nurturing relationships. He envisions intimacy in relationships—that blend of truth and love—as both healing and spiritual. Learning to express vulnerabilities appropriately and reciprocate support is pitched as critical for men's relational health. Men should also be present in their relationships instead of striving for outside achievements as a way to earn love.
Men Should Learn Balanced Emotional Expression Negotiation
Real calls for a balanced negotiation of emotional expression in relationships, suggesting that men need to be receptive to this learning. Successful relational engagement according to Real involves instructing men in a way that incorporates "relational mindfulness," enabling men to self-regulate and manage emotions maturely.
Key Relational Skills For Men: Active Listening, Empathy, Compromise
Relational adeptness entails a set of skills crucial for robust and meaningful male participation in relationships.
Men Default To "Objectivity Battles" Over Understanding Partners in Conflict
Men often fail to understand their partner's subjective experiences and default to "objectivity battles" rather than empathic engagement. Real suggests instead recognizing the partner’s feelings and addressing them directly.
Responding To Conflict and Criticism With Maturity, Skill, and Integrity
Real and Huberman highlight the importance of responding to conflict and criticism maturely. Real emphasizes integrity as pivotal in conflicts, whereas Huberman focuses on the necessity for constructive criticism delivery that is blame-free and focuses on feelings. They share a consensus on the need for emotio ...
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Men's Emotional Expression, Vulnerability, and Relational Skills
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While emotional expression is important, some argue that the way men and women process emotions can be different due to biological and social factors, and these differences should be acknowledged rather than suggesting a one-size-fits-all approach.
- The concept of "psychological patriarchy" may not resonate with all cultural or individual perspectives, and some may argue that it oversimplifies complex social dynamics.
- The emphasis on vulnerability could be seen as overlooking the value that some men may find in traditional forms of masculinity, which can include stoicism or self-reliance.
- The idea that men often lack skills to connect deeply could be challenged by pointing out that many men do have strong relational skills and that deficiencies in this area are not exclusive to men.
- The focus on men's need to express emotions healthily in relationships might be critiqued for not sufficiently considering the role of women or other partners in facilitating or hindering this expression.
- The suggestion that men should prioritize presence in relationships over outside achievements might be criticized for potentially undervaluing the importance of personal goals and achievements in an individual's life.
- The call for men to learn balanced emotional expression and negotiation skills could be met with the counterargument that emotional intelligence is a skill everyone should learn, not just men.
- The idea that men default to "objectivity battles" could be seen as a stereotype that doesn't acc ...
Actionables
- Start a personal "emotions journal" to track and reflect on your feelings daily, which can help you become more aware of your emotions and how they influence your behavior. Write down specific instances when you felt a strong emotion, what triggered it, and how you responded. Over time, this can reveal patterns in your emotional responses and help you identify areas for growth in emotional expression and connection.
- Create a "vulnerability pact" with a close friend where you both agree to share something vulnerable about yourselves each week, such as fears, hopes, or mistakes. This practice can build trust and deepen your relationship, providing a safe space to practice expressing emotions and needs. It can also serve as a model for how to engage in similar exchanges in other relationships.
- Develop a "conflict playbook" for yourself, outlining st ...
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Community, Purpose, and Self-Esteem in Men's Wellbeing
Andrew Huberman and Terry Real explore deep concerns regarding men's wellbeing, pointing out the crucial roles that community, purpose, and self-esteem play in male mental health and identity.
Lack of Male Friendships and Community Crisis Affects Men's Mental Health
Young Men Today Lack Belonging and Purpose, Leading To Depression, Addiction, and Issues
The lack of male friendships and a sense of community significantly affects men's mental health. Huberman discusses young men struggling with a 'failure to launch,' which involves a lack of direction or purpose. He observes young men experiencing mental health issues such as being on medication, sexual health problems, and feeling overwhelmed. He suggests that simple activities like a hike could help find connections and perspective. Both Huberman and Real acknowledge the common scenario of young men lacking belonging and purpose, as reported by concerned parents.
Men Need "Fraternities" or Communities to Build Skills, Receive Feedback, and Find Purpose
Real and Huberman emphasize the importance of fraternities or communities for young men, suggesting that these groups act as a source of belonging and purpose. Huberman reflects on various communities he's been a part of, like the scientific research community, and how they have provided a sense of belonging. He points out that creating a space for community or group activities can be beneficial. Real stresses the importance of men having friends and advises the men he works with to build deeper connections with their existing friends by sharing more of their personal struggles.
Men's Wellbeing: Self-Esteem Beyond Performance
Many Men Struggle With Shame, Undermining Accountability and Relationships
Real discusses the shame that many men feel, which can undermine accountability and relationships. He speaks of teaching men to balance feeling appropriately bad about bad behavior while simultaneously holding themselves in warm regard, avoiding both shamelessness and excessive self-criticism. When men make mistakes, they often revert to feelings of unworthiness and protect themselves from the feeling of being 'a bad guy,' leading to defensive reactions that damage relationships.
Feeling "Proportionally Bad" About Mistakes While Maintaining Self-Worth Is a Vital Skill For Men
Men's healthy self-esteem should not be tied solely to performance and achievement. Real suggests that men struggle with this aspect, leading to shame when they do not perform well. He speaks about how men need to learn to feel bad about a mistake proportionally while maintaining their self-worth, a skill that enables them to admit imperfections without being overwhelmed.
Finding Purpose and Place: Keys to Healthy Masculinity
Erosion of Traditional Male Roles Causes Identity Crisis Amid Economic Uncertainty
Real acknowledges the erosion of traditional male roles and suggests that amidst economic challenges, men are grappling with their identity. There is a growing concern among men on how to make a living, especially with AI threatening job opportunities. Real emphasizes the need for men to find ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Community, Purpose, and Self-Esteem in Men's Wellbeing
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While community and friendships are important, individual therapy and professional mental health support can also be crucial for men's wellbeing and should not be overlooked.
- The idea that men need "fraternities" or male-only spaces may be too narrow; inclusive communities that embrace diversity can also provide support and a sense of belonging.
- The emphasis on traditional male roles and mentorship from older men might not address the needs of all young men, especially those who do not resonate with traditional masculinity or who may benefit from diverse role models, including women and non-binary individuals.
- The focus on shame in men's experiences might not fully account for the complexity of male emotional life, which can include a wide range of feelings and responses beyond shame.
- The suggestion that simple activities like hiking can help men find connections might not be universally applicable, as not all individuals have equal access to such activities or find the same value in them.
- The assertion that men's self-esteem should not depend solely on performance might be too simplistic, as performance and achievement can be legitimate aspects of self-esteem if balanced with other self-worth factors.
- The idea that economic uncertainty and AI are primarily responsible for men's identity crises may not consider other significant factors, such as societal changes in gender roles, personal aspirations, and the impact of globalization.
- ...
Actionables
- Start a "Walk and Talk" group in your local area to foster male friendships through shared physical activity and conversation. By organizing regular walks in your community, you can create a low-pressure environment for men to connect and discuss life's challenges while getting exercise. For example, use social media or community bulletin boards to invite men of all ages to meet weekly at a local park for a hike where the focus is as much on talking as it is on walking.
- Develop a "Skill Swap" network among your male friends to build a sense of community and purpose. This involves each person offering to teach a skill they're proficient in, in exchange for learning something new from someone else. For instance, if you're good at cooking, you could offer to teach a friend, and in return, they might teach you how to fix a bike. This exchange not only builds skills but also deepens relationships through shared experiences and mutual support.
- Create a "Mistake Journal" to balance self-criticism with self-compassion. Keep a ...
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