How to Be A Better Partner

Psychological research shows that our perceptions of those closest to us are not purely objective. Instead, our relationships are deeply shaped by projection, internal biases, and the subjective ways we interpret others’ actions. This lens can either build stronger bonds or create conflict and confusion.

Interpreting Others Through Our Inner Emotions

We often see idealized or distorted versions of our friends and partners, constructing images not tethered to reality. Shankar Vedantam uses Don Quixote’s devotion to Dulcinea as a classic example of someone experiencing an idealized projection, elevating an ordinary woman into a figure of perfection. Similarly, Edward LeMay describes Dante’s imaginative transformation of Beatrice and narrative film examples like "500 Days of Summer," where one character builds an imagined romantic relationship that does not exist in reality. These fictions are echoed in real life: LeMay recounts convincing himself that a friend reciprocated his affections, only to be confronted by undeniable evidence to the contrary.

Projection involves assuming others share our thoughts, feelings, and motivations. LeMay explains that people use themselves as a reference point, projecting their own mindset onto others. This can foster misunderstanding: those longing for connection may believe their affections are reciprocated, while those with doubts may suspect disinterest or hostility. Romantic attraction or deep care is often exaggeratedly reflected back from partners or friends, feeding a cycle where our beliefs about how others see us shape our self-worth and reactions. The same mechanism works negatively: if someone feels little care, they may assume their partner is similarly detached.

Ambiguities Invite Desires and Fears, Letting Subjective Interpretation Overshadow Objectivity

Relationships are full of ambiguous cues, forcing us to interpret behavior without clear evidence. As LeMay observes, gestures such as unsolicited advice can be seen either as care or inattentiveness, depending on the perceiver’s mindset. If a partner gives space, it may be interpreted as respect or as a lack of interest. These ambiguous signals act as a blank canvas, inviting subjective meaning. Our own internal emotional states—anxiety, stress, hope—color how we read these moments.

Selective attention and memory deepen this interpretive bias. What we notice and remember—positive or negative—depends on where we focus our attention. Conflict can emerge from reading too much into ambiguous signals, jumping to negative conclusions, or assuming the worst, when a more generous interpretation might reduce unnecessary tension and foster trust.

Positive Illusions About Partners Strengthen Relationships, Creating Self-Fulfilling Prophecies Where Generous Perception Improves Treatment

Holding positive illusions about friends and partners can have beneficial impacts. The belief that a friend reciprocates romantic feelings, even if not based in fact, can encourage people to take social risks such as expressing interest or making romantic gestures. LeMay’s research finds this sometimes initiates real connections, since people enjoy feeling seen and valued. Over time, the belief that feelings are mutual can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, boosting mutual affection—provided that initial compatibility exists.

Similarly, positive views of partners foster relationship satisfaction and commitment. Seeing one’s partner as admirab ...

The experience of love is complex, with a significant gap often existing between being objectively loved and feeling subjectively loved. Research by psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky and her co-author Harry Reese reveals the widespread nature of this mismatch between actual love and its felt experience.

Two-thirds Feel Less Loved Than Desired Despite Existing Love, Revealing a Mismatch Between Objective Love and Subjective Experience

Lyubomirsky’s survey of nearly 2,000 Americans found that about two in three people yearn to feel more loved by people in their lives. Seventy percent reported at least one relationship where they do not feel as loved as they would like. According to Lyubomirsky, this issue isn’t necessarily about lacking friends or a full calendar; rather, it’s the emotional content of interactions that often fails to convey genuine love.

Beautiful but Don't Feel It, Intelligent but Don't Feel Smart: Loved but Self-Doubt Filters It

Lyubomirsky draws parallels between people who are beautiful but do not feel beautiful, or who are smart but doubt their intelligence, and those who are loved but do not feel it. Self-doubt or a lack of internal validation acts as a filter, making love hard to receive.

Love Essential for Happiness; Its Absence Breeds Dissatisfaction in Relationships

After over 36 years researching happiness, Lyubomirsky concludes that true happiness requires feeling connected and loved. The inability to feel loved, even in a long-term marriage or a bustling social environment, leads to loneliness and dissatisfaction.

"Cup of Love" Metaphor: Emotional Filling Challenges

She uses the metaphor of a "cup of love": loved ones can pour their affection in, but for some, it doesn’t stay or isn’t absorbed, due to emotional blockages or leaking out.

"Faulty Love Detector" Stems From Childhood Attachment Patterns and Caregiver Experiences

Much of the difficulty in feeling loved traces back to early life. Attachment theory suggests childhood experiences with caregivers—especially insecure attachments—shape later abilities to recognize and trust love.

Childhood Insecure Attachments Lead To Feeling Unlovable, Minimizing Others' Affection

People who grew up without consistent or expressive parental care can internalize feelings of being invisible or unworthy. Listeners share stories of coming home to empty houses, handling schoolwork alone, and inventing excuses about disengaged parents. As adults, these individuals struggle to receive or believe affection from others.

Neglect in Childhood Shapes Adult Relationship Views as Invisibility and Low Priority

The pain of feeling unseen or as a low priority in childhood often carries into adult relationships, threatening the possibility of feeling genuinely known and, by extension, truly loved.

Feeling Unrecognized Threatens Genuine Connection

Lyubomirsky emphasizes that to feel loved is to feel known and understood—when loved ones do not recognize core aspects of someone’s identity, as in the story of an epidemiologist whose family ignored her scientific expertise, the absence of being seen blocks feelings of love.

Self-Love and External Love Are Interrelated; People Learn Self-Love Through Being Loved and Receive Love From Others Through Self-Compassion

There is a deep interplay between self-love and the ability to accept love from others. Many people who lacked love in childhood struggle to love themselves as adults. When people do not believe they are lovable, they have trouble trusting or internalizing others’ affection.

Listener Michelle and others describe how they learned to embody the love they lacked by generously connecting with others. Even so, the journey is paradoxical for some: after learning to accept and like themselves, some individuals actually feel less loved by others, as their increased awareness reveals inadequate treatment from those around them and raises their expectations.

Paradoxically, Self-Loving Individuals May Feel Less Loved as They Realize Their Prior Low Expectations Concealed Inadequate Treatment, Raising Awareness of Their True Worth

Lyubomirsky explains that developing self-love can increase awareness of the love one deserves, so what once felt sufficient is now recognized as not enough.

Self-Verification Theory Posits Individuals Seek Evidence Confirming Self-Beliefs, So Low Self-Esteem May Lead To Behaviors Eliciting Less Love, Creating Self-Fulfilling Cycles of Diminished Affection

She connects this to self-verification theory: people seek evidence that confirms their self-beliefs. If someone believes they are unlovable, they may unconsciously act in ways that reinforce this worldview, perpetuating cycles of diminished affection.

Support and Complime ...

The interplay between our actions, perceptions, and feelings in relationships can create powerful self-fulfilling prophecies. How we behave toward our partners not only signals our value for them but can actively shape how loved we feel, how our partners respond, and the narratives we construct to make sense of our experiences.

Partner Warmth or Coldness Shapes Perceived Value

Warm Behavior Enhances Value Perception; Cold Behavior Sparks Doubt

Edward LeMay’s research finds that on days when people exhibit warmth toward their partners, they feel more secure and confident that they are valued in the relationship. Conversely, cold behavior sows doubt, leading to insecurity about how much their partners care for them. Sonja Lyubomirsky echoes this, noting that if we don’t feel love, one approach is to go first by showing warmth, curiosity, or appreciation—sometimes the act of expressing love leads to feeling more love in return.

Experiments Show Supportive Behavior Alters Expectations Of Being Valued

LeMay reports that in experiments where people are encouraged to behave supportively or unsupportively toward their partner, these behaviors directly alter their expectations and feelings about being valued. Supporting the idea further, Shankar Vedantam points out that while many believe thoughts and feelings determine behavior, sometimes acting lovingly can precede and inspire genuine loving feelings. This process can override negative expectations and opens up a space for reciprocal appreciation and affection. Lyubomirsky describes this as an “open heart mindset”: expressing warmth and care not only to signal a desire for a partner’s happiness but also to prioritize them selflessly.

Acting Lovingly Generates Feelings Of Being Loved, Creating Reciprocal Affection as the Partner Responds to Warmth

Through loving behaviors, individuals provide their partners with evidence of mutual value and love—initiating cycles of generosity and increasing each other’s sense of being loved. According to Vedantam, even simple gestures or offers signal consideration and are more important than whether the offer is accepted or not; it’s the presence of warmth that matters.

Desires for Successful Relationships Make Us Reinterpret Ambiguous Evidence to Preserve Our Narrative

Partner's Behavior Suggesting Lack of Care

When a partner behaves in a way suggesting indifference or lack of care, motivated perception often emerges. LeMay explains that people motivated to keep their relationships intact may reinterpret or excuse unsupportive behavior—for example, blaming themselves for not communicating needs clearly rather than accepting that their partner might not care. This reinterpretation is part of what LeMay describes as “wishful thinking” or “motivated cognition,” where perceptions are shaped by desires rather than objective reality.

Motivated Perception Maintains Commitment in Desired Relationships but Can Trap People In Harmful Ones

This desire-led interpretation helps maintain commitment and optimism in important relationships, even in the face of concerning behavior. However, it can also lock people in unhealthy dynamics by encouraging them to ignore negative evidence. Vedantam uses the example of Skylar from Breaking Bad, who reframes her husband Walter White’s criminal actions as being “in over his head.” By holding onto an earlier, more hopeful image of Walter, Skylar preserves her connection both to him and her sense of family, illustrating motivated perception in action.

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A listener recounts taking a birthday trip to Paris with her husband and teenage children. On her birthday morning, she enjoys breakfast in bed—arranged by herself—and realizes her family has not planned any celebration or acknowledgment of the day. While she knows her family loves her and has shown it on other occasions, the lack of effort on her birthday continues to sting. She expresses that even a simple card or words of appreciation would have made a difference.

Sonja Lyubomirsky reflects that while loved ones may deeply care for us, they sometimes fail to show love in ways we need. Expecting family or partners to intuit our needs often leads to disappointment; people cannot read minds, so direct communication is essential. Lyubomirsky recommends nonviolent communication, such as expressing, “I was hurt that you didn’t do anything, even the smallest thing. I would feel so much more loved if you did this or that for me.” This approach is more effective than hoping others will guess what makes ...

Lyubomirsky also emphasizes the importance of communication when navigating disagreements or changes in relationships. For example, when a partner shifts toward behaviors previously avoided, such as increased substance use, it warrants a conversation about why the change is occurring and whether it reflects a broader shift in values or needs. Lyubomirsky suggests using open questions like, “Why do you want to do this more? Is there something missing in your life?” to understand a partner’s motivations and internal experiences. Trying to deeply know and consider each other's reasons can deepen love, foster compassion, and create a sense of being seen and kn ...

Lyubomirsky is candid about relationships where love and effort are not reciprocated. When one person feels they are giving kindness, listening, curiosity, and warmth, but not receiving the same in return, she suggests reconsidering the relationship. Sometimes, if all attempts to connect and elicit reciprocity fail, it may be best to step away or pause the relationship if possible.

With family members, where withdrawal may not be an option, Lyubomirsky recommends accepting the limitations of the relationship while m ...