When It's Okay to Lie

Honesty: A Virtue Entailing Deception

Shankar Vedantam recounts the familiar American story of young George Washington and the cherry tree. After chopping down his father's prized cherry tree, George is confronted by his father. Instead of hiding, deflecting, or minimizing his action, George declares, "I cannot tell a lie." His father, rather than scolding him, embraces him and proclaims that his son's honesty is worth more than a thousand trees. This tale, first popularized in the early 19th century, is celebrated as one of America's most cherished moral parables, promoting honesty and the courage it often requires. Yet, Vedantam points out the deep irony that the story itself is almost certainly a fabrication—a lie invented for the purpose of teaching the importance of truthfulness. The myth makers believed that fiction could serve a higher truth, inspiring people to be ...

People ordinarily value honesty, yet research and common experience suggest that there are situations where lying is seen as not only acceptable but sometimes morally preferable. These situations tend to involve protecting the vulnerable, sparing unnecessary pain, maintaining harmony, or preserving special occasions.

Lies to Protect Vulnerable or Incapacitated Individuals

People are more willing to justify lying to those who are emotionally fragile, incapacitated, or otherwise vulnerable, especially when telling the truth would cause undue distress with little to no benefit.

Lying To an Employee in Crisis to Avoid Distraction

Emma Levine describes a study involving a manager and an employee who has submitted a poor report. Ordinarily, almost all participants (97%) say the manager should be honest. However, when the scenario includes the employee having a parent hospitalized, willingness to endorse lying jumps to 20%. When participants are asked how they’d wish to be treated in such moments of fragility, many say they would prefer kindness over harsh honesty. Temporary vulnerability, such as being in crisis or distracted by personal events, leads people to see deception as more acceptable, so as not to worsen a difficult situation.

A student described withholding the truth from a friend about a boy's lack of interest so as not to negatively impact her exam performance. Similarly, Levine’s mother waited to reveal difficult news until after Levine finished qualifying exams, prioritizing emotional stability for academic performance.

Withholding a Death From an Elderly Person With Dementia to Prevent Distress

Another scenario involves Jeff, an elderly man whose estranged daughter has died. When Jeff is cognitively unimpaired, nearly everyone believes he should be told. When Jeff is described as severely demented and easily confused, nearly a third of participants say lying is ethical, showing that incapacity to process or benefit from the truth increases willingness to deceive. The concept of "therapeutic fibbing" in dementia care supports such pro-social lies to prevent unnecessary suffering.

This ethical reasoning also applies to people near the end of life. If a partner is dying, a majority of people say it’s preferable to lie about past infidelities to avoid causing emotional harm, especially when the knowledge cannot be acted upon and only brings pain. The closer someone is to death or the less able they are to experience growth or benefit from the truth, the more likely others are to endorse a comforting lie.

Lies About Subjective Judgments or Trivial Information

People frequently feel justified in lying about matters of personal taste or insignificant details, particularly when truth-telling would only cause unnecessary hurt.

Lying About Disliking a Coworker's Unique Fashion Choice

Emma Levine’s vignette about a coworker’s garish scarf found that when disapproval is purely subjective, 40% of people advocate for lying. If the dislike is idiosyncratic—only the respondent finds it ugly—then 71% think one should definitely lie, as individual preferences don’t warrant sharing if they only damage happiness.

Lying About Disliking Food to Avoid Hurting a Novice Chef's Feelings

Similarly, in scenarios where dinner guests dislike a dish, if the cook is a professional chef, honesty is valued for growth; only 18% of participants endorse lying. When the chef is just a novice cooking for fun, 38% say lying is preferable, because the information is trivial and the stakes low. Telling hard truths in such subjective or low-st ...

The tension between telling the truth and offering benevolent lies presents complex challenges shaped by motives, individual relationships, and cultural backgrounds.

Benevolent Lies Build Trust By Showing Concern

When people tell selfless falsehoods—pro-social or benevolent lies—these can increase a particular kind of trust. When both the liar and the recipient recognize that the lie prevents unnecessary harm, the recipient often comes to believe the communicator has their best interest in mind. This leads to a willingness to be emotionally vulnerable to the liar and trust them for support, valuing their benevolence. For example, a parent might withhold worrisome information from a child to spare them unnecessary stress, with the intention being protective rather than deceptive.

However, Emma Levine points out that benevolent lies come with a long-term cost: a reduction in integrity-based trust. Even if recipients trust the liar’s goodwill, they realize they cannot always rely on that person’s words to be true. This erodes confidence in the liar’s honesty, especially when the recipient feels the information was necessary and the decision to lie paternalistic or unfair.

The Line Between Benevolent and Selfish Lies Blurs

The distinction between benevolent and selfish lies is often unclear. People can rationalize selfish motives—such as avoiding conflict or discomfort—as benevolence. For instance, someone might frame their avoidance of negative feedback as protecting another’s feelings, when in reality it may be self-serving or based on stereotypes.

Deceptive actions can have both costs and benefits. For example, the Kennedy administration’s lies during the Cuban Missile Crisis may have prevented mass panic or even nuclear war but also contributed to long-lasting public distrust in government communications. Such scenarios highlight the risk that in allowing some lies, people may err either by telling selfish lies or by withholding crucial information under the belief they are being protective.

Guidelines and individual preferences can help navigate these tensions. Emma Levine recommends explicit conversations about feedback and information-sharing preferences—such as between patients and doctors, or between family members—to establish boundaries for benevolent lies. However, Levine acknowledges that, in practice, it is rare for people to set these social contracts in advance.

Cultural and Individual Differences Shape Views on Honesty and Deception

Views on honesty and benevolent deception are deeply shaped by cultural norms. In collectivist cultures, such as China, there is often a priority on harmony, hope, and protection, especially in contexts like medicine and end-of-life care. Families may feel obligated to withhold bad news to preserve the well-being and emotional state of elders. Levine’s research shows that in China, patients typically prefer false hope more than those in the U.S., and Chinese doctors generally recognize and respect this preference.

In contrast, the U.S. emphasizes a ...