Love 2.0: How to Fix Your Marriage, Part 1
In this episode of Hidden Brain, host Shankar Vedantam explores relationships and personal passions with guests James Cordova and Jon Jachimowicz. Cordova delves into why attempts to change one's partner often backfire in relationships and suggests alternatives for addressing relationship challenges. Jachimowicz explains how passion requires active maintenance, noting common signs of declining passion and strategies for rekindling it.
The episode also examines how different cultures approach and express passion, particularly in career contexts. Through conversations with researchers Kira Schabram and Erminia Ibarra, the discussion covers practical approaches to discovering and maintaining passion, including the concept of trying new roles and gathering feedback. The guests share insights on finding meaning both within and outside of work, emphasizing the importance of maintaining a growth mindset while pursuing interests.
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1-Page Summary
Relationship Dynamics and Approaches to Change
Shankar Vedantam and James Cordova explore why attempts to change one's partner often fail in relationships. While many couples believe their problems would disappear if their partner changed, Cordova explains that such efforts typically lead to power struggles and conflict. Instead, he advocates for accepting and understanding differences between partners, suggesting that couples frame issues as "it" rather than "you" to reduce defensiveness and foster collaboration.
Maintaining Passion in One's Career
Jon Jachimowicz discusses how passion requires active maintenance rather than being a static trait. He identifies common warning signs of declining passion, including emotional exhaustion, lack of self-efficacy, and cynicism. To reignite passion, Jachimowicz recommends reflecting on what aspects of work bring joy and exploring new applications of skills. He particularly emphasizes the importance of exploring passions before retirement to ensure a smoother transition and continued fulfillment.
Cultural Influences on Passion
Shankar Vedantam and caller Reem examine how different cultures view and express passion. While the United States emphasizes pursuing passion as a key career goal, collectivist cultures often prioritize family support over personal passion. Communication styles also vary significantly: British culture accepts self-deprecation and vulnerability when discussing work passion, while German culture favors a more stoic and reserved expression of passion.
Practical Strategies For Discovering and Sustaining Passion
Researchers Kira Schabram, Erminia Ibarra, and Jon Jachimowicz outline practical approaches to discovering and maintaining passion. Ibarra's concept of "provisional selves" involves trying new roles and gathering feedback. Jachimowicz emphasizes that sustaining passion requires consistent effort and suggests embracing change while finding creative ways to pursue core interests. He advocates for maintaining a growth mindset and practicing self-compassion, noting that it's acceptable to find meaning outside of work when pursuing passionate work isn't feasible.
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Counterarguments
- Accepting differences in a relationship is important, but it's also true that personal growth and change can be beneficial for both individuals and the relationship as a whole.
- While framing issues as "it" rather than "you" can reduce defensiveness, it may sometimes be necessary to address individual behaviors directly to resolve certain issues.
- Passion in one's career is important, but it's also valid to acknowledge that not all aspects of a job will be joyful and that practical considerations often play a significant role in career choices.
- Emotional exhaustion, lack of self-efficacy, and cynicism might be signs of declining passion, but they could also indicate other issues such as workplace burnout or personal stressors unrelated to passion.
- Exploring new applications of skills is one way to reignite passion, but it might not be feasible for everyone due to various constraints like job market conditions, financial responsibilities, or lack of opportunities.
- While it's beneficial to explore passions before retirement, some individuals may find new passions or hobbies during retirement, which can also lead to fulfillment.
- Cultural differences in expressing passion are notable, but within any culture, there can be a wide range of individual differences in how passion is viewed and expressed.
- The emphasis on pursuing passion in the United States might not necessarily lead to greater job satisfaction or happiness compared to cultures that prioritize family support or other values.
- Trying new roles and gathering feedback can be helpful, but some individuals may thrive in stable, consistent roles that don't require frequent change.
- A growth mindset and self-compassion are valuable, but there are also times when a realistic assessment of one's abilities and limitations is necessary for making practical life decisions.
- Finding meaning outside of work is a valid approach, but this perspective might overlook the systemic issues that make it difficult for some people to find passionate work within their means.
Actionables
- You can deepen your relationship by creating a 'differences diary' where you and your partner write down things you've learned about each other's unique traits each week. This practice encourages acceptance by highlighting how these differences contribute positively to the relationship, rather than focusing on changing them.
- To maintain passion in your career, start a 'joy journal' where you jot down small, specific moments that made you happy at work each day. Over time, this can help you identify patterns in what brings you joy and guide you toward activities and roles that align with those elements.
- If you're feeling a lack of passion in your career, initiate a 'skill swap' with a colleague where you exchange tasks for a week to explore new applications of your abilities. This can provide fresh insights into your work and may uncover hidden interests or talents that reignite your passion.
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Relationship Dynamics and Approaches to Change
Shankar Vedantam and James Cordova investigate the complexities of attempting to change one's partner in a relationship, highlighting the ineffectiveness of such efforts and the power of acceptance and understanding.
Couples Fail to Change Each Other's Behavior to Improve Relationships
Couples Believe Relationship Problems Would Disappear if Their Partner Changed
Shankar Vedantam discusses a common belief in relationships that changing one's partner will fix all problems. This mindset mirrors the message of the musical "I love you, you're perfect, now change." Cordova points to a couple where the husband wants his wife to become more fit, yet her hurt feelings reveal the deep-rooted issue of wanting someone to change for another's satisfaction.
Changing a Partner's Behavior Creates Power Struggles and Conflict
Trying to change a partner often leads to mutual recrimination and fights, escalating into power struggles and conflict, according to Vedantam. This is exemplified in Cordova's case where a wife desires her husband to express his feelings more, contradicting his stoic personality and resulting in frustration. Cordova shares his experience with trying to persuade his wife to see his teasing as playful, which instead creates an impasse between them.
Focus On Accepting and Understanding Differences Between Partners
Accepting Partner Issues Leads To More Collaboration and Connection
Cordova emphasizes that accepting natural differences between partners leads to collaboration and stronger connections, rather than disconnection. He points out that when a couple laughs and delights in recognizing their relationship patterns, they empathize with each other and foster a healthier emotional climate.
Cultivating Empathy for a Partner's Perspecti ...
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Relationship Dynamics and Approaches to Change
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Clarifications
- Externalizing issues by framing them as "it" instead of "you" involves discussing problems or challenges in a relationship as separate entities or issues to be addressed, rather than attributing them directly to the partner. This approach helps to reduce defensiveness and blame, creating a more collaborative environment for problem-solving. By using language that focuses on the problem itself rather than placing blame on the partner, couples can work together more effectively to find s ...
Actionables
- You can create a "relationship roadmap" with your partner to navigate differences and foster collaboration. Start by sitting down together and listing out each other's strengths, weaknesses, and non-negotiable values. Then, identify areas where you can support each other's growth without trying to change fundamental aspects of one another. For example, if one partner is great at organizing and the other is more spontaneous, agree on a balance that allows for both planned activities and impromptu adventures.
- Develop a habit of using "we" language when discussing relationship challenges to reduce blame and increase unity. Instead of saying "You always leave your clothes on the floor," try "We could look for solutions to keep our space tidier." This approach encourages teamwork and can lead to brainstorming sessions where both partners contribute ideas, like setting a specific time for tidying up together or creating a fun game out of household chores.
- Practice empathy exercises to bet ...
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Maintaining Passion in One's Career
Jon Jachimowicz discusses the importance of actively nurturing one's passion to prevent and overcome professional burnout.
Passion Requires Effort to Sustain
Jachimowicz emphasizes that passion demands continual attention and effort, much like caring for a delicate flower. People often lose enthusiasm for their work, and it’s not something reserved for a special few. It's a learned process that involves various personal strategies to sustain passion over time. Jachimowicz explains that individuals he spoke with described moments when their passion waned, highlighting the active maintenance required to sustain enthusiasm.
Losing Enthusiasm For Once-Passionate Work
Over time, one’s initial enthusiasm for work can lessen. Artist Phil Hansen's experience illustrates this decline due to physical challenges. After developing nerve damage, he found himself unable to perform pointillism, leading to a decline in his enthusiasm for art and his decision to quit art school. Jachimowicz notes that these challenges force individuals to learn that passion must be actively maintained.
Common Warning Signs: Emotional Exhaustion, Lack of Self-Efficacy, Cynicism
Jachimowicz identifies burnout symptoms, such as emotional exhaustion, as indicators of lost enthusiasm. Overcommitting on days of high passion can lead to such exhaustion and make it difficult to feel both positive and negative emotions, he notes. A lack of self-efficacy—feeling that one's actions no longer make a difference—and cynicism—no longer believing in the work—are also pointed out as significant challenges to maintaining passion. Reluctance to leave jobs about which one was once passionate due to fear of others’ perceptions can contribute to enduring negative outcomes or workplace challenges.
Practical Strategies Can Help Reignite and Maintain Passion
Reflecting On Job Loves and Hates to Reveal Core Passions
Jachimowicz and Shankar Vedantam encourage individuals to reflect on why they cared deeply about their work and consider what rekindling that passion might look like. Lynn, a listener, shared her experience of listing what she loved and hated about each job she had ever done. This led her to discover her core passion for coaching, counseling, mentoring, and empowering people, especially women. It prompted her to pursue a career where she could be the boss and ultimately led to a fulfilling career as a financial advisor.
Exploring New Applications of Skills Can Uncover New Passions
Jachimowicz notes th ...
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Counterarguments
- Passion as a fixed trait: Some might argue that passion is not always something that can be actively maintained or nurtured, but rather a trait that is inherent and constant, and that trying to force it can be counterproductive.
- The role of external factors: The text implies that maintaining passion is largely an individual's responsibility, but external factors such as workplace environment, management, and job security can significantly impact one's ability to sustain passion.
- Passion vs. contentment: There's an argument to be made that not all careers need to be driven by passion, and that contentment and satisfaction in one's work can also be valid and fulfilling goals.
- The necessity of passion for success: Some might argue that passion is not a prerequisite for success or fulfillment in a career, and that discipline, work ethic, and other factors can be equally or more important.
- The feasibility of changing passions: The idea of exploring new passions or applications of skills assumes that individuals have the freedom, resources, and opportunities to do so, which may not be the case for eve ...
Actionables
- Create a passion maintenance journal to track your daily emotional state and job satisfaction. Use this journal to note moments of joy, frustration, and indifference in your work. This can help you identify patterns and triggers for your enthusiasm or lack thereof. For example, you might find that you feel most energized after collaborating with colleagues or when working on creative tasks, which can guide you towards what to seek out or change in your work.
- Develop a "skill swap" habit with friends or colleagues to explore new applications of your abilities. Once a month, teach someone a skill you excel at and learn one of theirs in return. This exchange can be as simple as showing a friend how to create a budget if you're good with numbers, while they might teach you basics of graphic design. This not only broadens your skill set but can also spark new interests and passions.
- Start a "retirement hobby project" well befor ...
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Cultural Influences on Passion
Across cultures, the way passion is perceived and expressed varies significantly. Shankar Vedantam and a caller named Reem discuss how different societies prioritize and communicate about passion, especially in the context of one's career and personal achievements.
Cultural Views and Discussions of Passion Vary
In Individualistic US Culture, Passion Is a Key Career Goal
In the United States, there's a powerful cultural narrative that equates pursuing one's passion with career success. Shankar Vedantam highlights that for many Americans, an ideal career is intertwined with their passions and identity. It's not merely about earning a living but about finding a calling that resonates deeply with who they are. This perspective is common in individualistic cultures like the US and other Western countries, where personal fulfillment often takes precedence in career choices.
In Collectivist Cultures, Family Support May Precede Personal Passion
On the other hand, in less individualistic cultures, with a greater emphasis on the collective rather than the individual, passion plays a different role. Such cultures prioritize being able to support one's family and contributing to the community over personal passion. While personal interests are acknowledged, they might not be the dominating force guiding career decisions.
Cultural Norms Shape how People Communicate Their Passions
Self-Deprecation and Vulnerability Are Accepted In the UK
A caller named Reem notes the contrast in how passions are communicated in the UK compared to other countries. In the UK, individuals often discuss their work with self-deprecation and vulnerability, openly acknowledging the ...
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Clarifications
- Shankar Vedantam is an American journalist and science correspondent known for his work on human behavior and social sciences. He is recognized for his Hidden Brain project, which includes a book, podcast, and radio program. Vedantam has a background in electronics engineering and journalism, with experience at The Washington Post and Slate. He has received various fellowships and published books like "The Hidden Brain."
- In individualistic cultures like the US, emphasis is on personal goals, self-expression, and individual achievements. People are encouraged to pursue their own passions and goals even if they differ from societal expectations. In contrast, collectivist cultures prioritize group harmony, community well-being, and family interests over individual desires. Decisions are often made considering how they will impact the larger social unit rather than solely focusing on personal fulfillment.
- In the UK, self-deprecation and vulnerability in discussions about work are common cultural traits. People often downplay their achievements and openly acknowledge challenges they face. This approach is meant to balance accomplishments with humility and relatability, avoiding appearing boastful or arrogant. It's a way to foster connection and show authenticity in communication.
- In Germany, the cultural norm of stoicism involves displaying passion with restraint and modesty. This means presenting one's abilities as natural and not emphasizing personal struggles openly. Germans tend to value a reserved and controlled demeanor when expressing their passions, focusing on projecting effortless competence rather than ...
Counterarguments
- While the US culture often values the pursuit of passion in careers, it's also true that economic necessity and job availability can significantly influence career choices, even in individualistic societies.
- The intertwining of career and identity in the US can lead to work-life imbalance and stress, suggesting that this cultural norm is not without its drawbacks.
- Prioritizing personal fulfillment in career choices may not always be feasible for everyone in individualistic cultures due to socioeconomic constraints.
- In collectivist cultures, the pursuit of personal passion may still be important to individuals, but it is balanced with other responsibilities, which could lead to a more holistic approach to life satisfaction.
- The role of passion in less individualistic cultures might be evolving, especially with the influence of globalization and exposure to different cultural values.
- Discussing work with self-deprecation in the UK could sometimes undermine genuine achievements and contribute to a culture of false modesty.
- The acceptance of self-deprecation and vulnerability in the UK does not necessarily mean that these traits are universally valued or practiced across all segments of British society.
- The German approach to expressing passion and competence might ...
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Practical Strategies For Discovering and Sustaining Passion
Discovering and maintaining passion is not a one-time event but a continuous process that involves self-exploration and adaptive strategies, as explained by Kira Schabram, Erminia Ibarra, and Jon Jachimowicz.
Exploring "Provisional Selves" Reveals Passions
Sabbaticals Offer Opportunities for Self-Exploration and New Activities
Researchers, including Kira Schabram, have noted that people often use sabbaticals to discover more about themselves and to practice applying their self-exploration discoveries.
Feedback on Others' Perceptions in Roles Offers Insight
Ibarra's concept of a "provisional self" consists of trying out new roles or activities and seeking feedback on them. Jon Jachimowicz emphasizes the importance of observing both personal feelings about these new experiences and others' responses to them.
Sustaining Passion Requires Effort, Not Just Finding the "Right" One
Maintaining passion over time involves consistent engagement with practices that foster growth and adaptability.
Embracing Change and Finding Creative Ways to Pursue Core Interests, Even When Obstacles Arise, Can Prevent Fading Passion
Jachimowicz acknowledges that sustaining passion requires regular engagement and the acceptance that it’s okay not to feel passionate every day. He reinforces the message that individuals should find creative ways to connect with their interests, even amid challenges. Using painful transitions as opportunities to diagnose and experiment with new approaches is crucial.
Self-Compassion and Growth Mindset Sustain Passion
Developing a growth mindset and staying curious are key strategies to sustain passion, according to Jachimowicz. He suggests that experimentation with new ways of being, despite the fear it ma ...
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Practical Strategies For Discovering and Sustaining Passion
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Counterarguments
- While sabbaticals can offer opportunities for self-exploration, they are not accessible to everyone due to financial or job security constraints.
- Seeking feedback on new roles or activities can be beneficial, but it can also lead to over-reliance on external validation rather than internal satisfaction.
- Observing personal feelings is important, but it can sometimes be difficult to distinguish between temporary discomfort and a genuine lack of passion.
- Consistent engagement with practices that foster growth is ideal, but burnout can occur if not balanced with rest and recovery.
- Embracing change is crucial, but some individuals may find significant value in stability and routine, which can also sustain passion.
- A growth mindset is beneficial, but it's important to acknowledge that not all areas of interest will or should lead to growth, and some passions may be pursued purely for enjoyment.
- Experimentation is valuable, but it can also lead to a lack of focus if not approached with some degree of strategic planning.
- Self-compassion is important, but excessive self-compassion without accountability can hinder personal development and the pursuit of passion.
- Finding meaning outside of ...
Actionables
- You can create a "Passion Discovery Journal" where you dedicate a few minutes each day to write about activities you've tried, how they made you feel, and the feedback you received from others. This journal can become a personal database to track patterns in your interests and the evolution of your passions over time.
- Develop a "Passion Project Roulette" system where each month you randomly select a new hobby or activity to explore, ensuring a diverse range of experiences. This could be as simple as drawing from a hat filled with ideas you've written down or using an online randomizer with options you've inputted.
- Start a "Growth Buddy" ...
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