How to Raise a Kid Who Can Survive Failure | Challenge Accepted

Becky Kennedy and Kellie Gerardi explore a new perspective on confidence, suggesting that resilience in the face of failure—not the assurance of success—forms the true foundation for pursuing and achieving dreams.

Confidence Comes From Enduring Hardships, Not Expecting to Avoid Them

Kennedy asks whether the most important skill for success is not guaranteeing our children future victories, but teaching them total comfort with failure. She debates if genuine confidence means believing you'll succeed, or believing you can survive setbacks. Gerardi responds that the ability to survive struggle resonates more deeply with her; it unlocked more of her potential than expecting success ever could.

Kennedy illustrates how confidence built on guarantees is fragile: if children think preparation ensures success, any stumble can make them crumple. Preparing with a mindset of resilience—knowing that even if things go wrong, they'll still be themselves—leads to less fear and greater willingness to try again. This mentality allows someone to return to school after failing a tryout, realizing it's not catastrophic. Gerardi adds that this kind of resilience becomes "part of your muscle," strengthening you for future attempts.

Gerardi details her upbringing: her parents instilled both humility and confidence, teaching her that dreams are never guaranteed, but that persevering makes extraordinary things possible. She internalized the message, "If you work hard enough for long enough, why not you?" This belief, built on endurance rather than certainty, allowed her to persevere through uncertainty and obstacles on her path to becoming an astronaut, especially when her route was nontraditional.

Kennedy emphasizes the profound implications of this kind of confidence, hoping it is what her own children can develop—the knowledge that they can figure out challenges, take the next step, and overcome obstacles, no matter how hard the journey. Resilient confidence, rather than fragile certainty, becomes the sturdy foundation upon which children can build their dreams and face unpredictable goals.

Publicly Sharing Dreams Fosters Accountability and Support Through Failures

Gerardi embraces living transparently, publicly sharing her dreams in real time and openly failing at some of them. She believes that vocalizing aspirations creates momentum and serendipity, because others remember and provide helpful connections or information that might move her closer to her goals.

Living her IVF journey and struggles with secondary infertility publicly, Gerardi continues to express her dreams to the world, even when outcomes don't go as hoped. This builds a dual support system: a cheerleading community for when things go well and a safety net providing empathy and help when things fall short. Through this ongoing process, she learns that survival after public failures doesn’t define her negatively; instead, it provides exposure therapy that lessens the sting and shame of failing in view of others.

Kennedy points out that when dreams are visible, the shame of failure decreases. Secrecy is replaced by communal support, and failure becomes manageable when surrounded by an empathetic community. Public accountability and collective encouragement both foster forward movement and soften tough outcomes.

Reframing Struggle Separates True Emotion ...

Becky Kennedy and Kellie Gerardi share insights and personal experiences on how parents can nurture their children's passions and curiosity while remaining realistic and supportive. Their discussion emphasizes the importance of honoring aspirations, fostering curiosity, and balancing practical boundaries with wholehearted encouragement.

Honor Aspirations Realistically: Ask What Genuinely Captivates Beneath the Dream

Kennedy and Gerardi stress the value of going beyond a child’s stated dream and exploring what specifically excites them about it. For example, Gerardi describes how her daughter's wish to be like Taylor Swift led to deeper questions—does she love singing, performing, writing, or connecting with an audience? Similarly, as a child wanting to be an astronaut, Gerardi realized her passion was not the predefined path of a government astronaut but using space as a laboratory to benefit humanity. Her true interest lay in science and the research aspects of space.

Exploring these core interests allows parents and children to identify the real passions—such as performance, competition, or scientific discovery—that lie beneath apparent career fantasies. Kennedy likens a child's statement like "I want to be Taylor Swift" to opening a door into a room full of unexplored interests rather than taking it as the whole story. This approach allows a child’s authentic interests to flourish, helps validate their excitement, and keeps the conversation flexible about what their future will hold. The emphasis is not on the exact path or achieving celebrity status, but on stoking what truly captivates the child and letting their interests guide the opportunities parents nurture.

Nurture Children's Obsessions Without Controlling Their Passions

Both Kennedy and Gerardi highlight that parental support is most effective when it respects the child’s sense of agency. Gerardi credits her parents for meeting her where she was—whether it was a love of Harry Potter, Barbies, or science and space—without forcing her passions to take a particular direction or dictating outcomes. This freedom fostered her confidence, humility, and joy in curiosity.

Kennedy reframes "obsessions" with things like squishies, beanie babies, or books not as frivolous, but as circuits for curiosity and engagement that may lay the groundwork for later passion in fields like science or space. The positive trait parents should aim to cultivate is a hunger for engaging deeply, wanting to know more, and taking initiative. Gerardi emphasizes that building community and a sense of belonging around early interests also has long-lasting benefits, echoing from childhood fandoms into adult pursuits.

Nurturing interests this way helps children develop a genuine love for learning, teaches them to seek out knowledge, and embeds in them a sense of community. Parents do not need to predict or ensure tangible success from every obsession but should affirm the value of curiosity and engagement themselves.

Balancing Parental Capacity and a Child's Authentic Interests

Kennedy and Gerardi discuss the balance between setting boundaries and nourishing a child's interests. Gerardi recalls that, although her parents encouraged her curiosity, they could not always fulfil ...

Silent Shame in Childhood Causes Unhealthy Patterns of Struggle Interpreted As Incapability

Kellie Gerardi recounts how silent shame in her childhood led to unhealthy patterns, where struggles were mistaken for fundamental incapability. She vividly recalls learning to read analog clocks in kindergarten, feeling as if the numbers and hands were "hieroglyphics." Instead of seeking help, she stayed quiet, letting confusion fester while time passed. The longer she waited, the more embarrassing it became to admit she didn’t understand. Eventually, a quiz exposed her struggle, and she was singled out for extra help, which made her feel anxious, embarrassed, and even nauseous over such a seemingly minor issue, which in her mind grew catastrophic.

This pattern repeated itself the following year when learning to read a treble clef in music class. Again, Gerardi kept silent, too ashamed to admit confusion. The pressure built until a test forced the issue, and she finally broke down at home, overwhelmed and upset. Her mother helped reframe the challenge, making a lighthearted pun that Gerardi initially rejected, but then she realized the task was simply memorizing "F-A-C-E." The resolution was anticlimactic, yet the experience was formative—it challenged her belief that not understanding something immediately meant she would never succeed in it.

These repeated episodes taught her that avoidance and shame only amplified her struggles. Instead of interpreting difficulty as permanent incapability, with parental support and perspective, Gerardi began to see that confusion was temporary and surmountable, especially if she could interrupt her instinct to hide her challenges and instead seek help or approach the problem with curiosity.

Low-stakes Failures Build Resilience and Break Avoidance Cycle

As Gerardi grew older, she counteracted her childhood shame by intentionally pursuing activities where she was unskilled and engaging with them publicly. This exposure to low-stakes failure, such as openly sharing her ambitions or setbacks, desensitized her to the fear and embarrassment of being seen struggling. She recounts living much of her adult life transparently, boldly announcing her aspirations in real time—sometimes failing publicly—but learning that surviving failure does not define her worth or ...

Kellie Gerardi and Becky Kennedy discuss the importance of parents visibly struggling with new skills or activities in front of their children. They emphasize that modeling vulnerability helps children understand that learning is a lifelong process and that skill and competence are built through practice, not innate talent.

Parents Learning New Skills Shows Children That Learning Is Lifelong and Capability Comes From Practice, Not Innate Talent

Kellie Gerardi is intentional about allowing her daughters to witness her trying things she isn’t naturally good at. She shares her experience attending weekly improv classes at her community center, embracing the vulnerability and occasional embarrassment of not being skilled. Gerardi wants her girls to internalize the lesson that being bad at something is often a necessary part of becoming good at it. She believes that children need to get comfortable with trying and enduring that discomfort in order to learn and grow.

Becky Kennedy reinforces this idea, observing that what children witness is more powerful than what parents say. She notes that parents’ competence in everyday tasks can overwhelm kids, making it seem as if adults are experts in everything. Kennedy explains that when parents always appear capable, it creates a challenging learning environment for children, who are beginners at most things. Seeing their parents struggle and improve helps normalize being a beginner and reframes struggle as a natural and expected part of growth. Gerardi adds that she wants her daughters to see her trying new activities that tap different parts of her brain and personality, even when there is no guarantee of success. This demonstrates that adults, too, are continually learning and sometimes fail but persist nonetheless.

Parents Engaging In Unfamiliar Activities Show Value Beyond Skill or Success

Both Gerardi and Kennedy highlight that the value of participating in an activity extends beyond achieving high skill or success. Kennedy shares that she is the worst in her family at word games like Wordle, threads, and spelling bee, while her children and husband excel. She does not necessarily enjoy being outperformed, but she participates for the value of the experience itself. Kennedy also finds joy in playing Scattergories even though she is not good at it, and she plans to keep playing with her ...

Changing the Narrative of Difficulty Makes It More Survivable

Secondary Infertility Causes Consuming Grief Despite Optimism; Denial Signals Emotional Disconnection

Kellie Gerardi discusses her struggle with secondary infertility, emphasizing that, despite cultivating a resilient mindset in other areas of life, the experience was deeply painful and brought "incredibly low lows." She acknowledges that even with practices aimed at separating self-worth from outcomes, no mindset can entirely eliminate the pain of difficult experiences. Gerardi notes that trying to “intellectualize” grief is ineffective—emotional suffering remains present, regardless of perspective.

Perception of Difficulty Shapes It As a Setback or an Abyss

Becky Kennedy highlights the importance of the story one tells about a challenge, distinguishing between feeling pain and adding a narrative of inadequacy or hopelessness. Kennedy explains that hardship becomes an "abyss" not due to the emotion itself, but because of self-blaming stories such as "something's wrong with me." Gerardi exemplifies a functional narrative, remaining willing to publicly pursue and potentially fail at big dreams, interpreting disappointments as data rather than indictments on her character.

Functional Narrative: Recognizes Unexpected Outcomes but Maintains Self-Belief to Move Forward, Not Viewing Difficulty as Inadequacy Evidence

Gerardi, through continual exposure to challenges, learns to separate her sense of self from outcomes. She maintains self-belief and views setbacks not as evidence of inadequacy but as normal parts of pursuing anything meaningful. Kennedy notes that adopting an adaptive story—one less self-blaming and more accepting—helps make hardship more manageable, even though it never fully erases difficult feelings.

Research Mindset: Viewing Setbacks as Data For Adjustment

When Results Differ From Expectations, Researcher Instincts to Adjust Protocols Can Apply To Personal Crises

Gerardi credits her background in scientific research for helping her face setbacks more productively. She compares personal crises to research protocols, noting that when an experiment or process doesn't yield the expected outcome, researchers collect new data, revise methods, and try again. This perspective helped her approach infertility by objectively analyzing what could be changed or adjusted after each round of treatment.

Framework Enables Analysis and Agency to Coexist With Grief, Fostering Intentional Forward Movement

Although the research mindset doesn’t reduce the grief or emotional weight, it provides a constructive framework for responding to setbacks. Gerardi describes building a partnership with her healthcare providers, bringing ideas and studies into their collaboration. This active role gave her agency amid difficulty and ultimately contributed to a positive outcome: the birth of her youngest daughter. The mindset of “control and adjust” allowed hope and intentional progress, even as she navigated loss and uncertainty.

Mindset: "Control and Adjust" Fosters Hope Amid Struggles

Gerardi’s ability to treat each setback as more information rather than evidence of personal limitation encouraged persistence. This research-based approach fostered resilience without denying emotional challenges, offering hope and direction rather than despair.

Challenge Accepted: Stay Loyal to Dreams, Be Flexible With Details

Quit if Misaligned, Persist if It Matters

Gerardi redefines per ...