Stop Asking Your Kid Who Their Best Friend Is, with Adam Grant

Adam Grant and Becky Kennedy challenge the popular idea that everyone needs a "best friend," arguing it is a relatively recent and culturally specific phenomenon that can actually limit children's appreciation for all kinds of friendships and increase anxiety around social success.

"Best Friend" Expectations Create Anxiety and Limit Connection Appreciation

Adam Grant points out that the concept of the "best friend" is a modern American invention dating back to the 1800s. Most countries never restricted people to having just one best friend. Research shows that even if kids are well liked at school, lacking a single "best friend" can make them feel excluded and isolated, illustrating how deeply cultural messaging frames our understanding of friendships. The pressure begins early, as adults frequently ask children, "Who's your best friend?" This question suggests one must have a bestie to prove social success, which can cause insecurity and make children anxious if they can't identify a single special friend. Grant describes seeing this dynamic play out with his own kids, who, despite having many peers they liked, worried about not finding a "best friend." Focusing only on finding one special friendship may prevent kids from appreciating the diverse and valuable connections they already have.

Becky Kennedy notes that the myth of a single, instant "friendship at first sight" also promotes unrealistic expectations. Grant references research showing it takes about 50 hours to go from stranger to friend and 100–200 hours to become close. Quick categorization happens because of insecurity: kids and adults want to quickly find "their people," which can rush choices and lead to misplaced expectations or disappointments when connections don't fit the "best friend" mold.

Four-Category Framework Offers a More Accurate, Liberating Way to Understand Essential Connections: Associates, Allies, Pals, Companions

To move beyond the bestie myth, Grant offers a four-category framework for understanding friendships: associates, allies, pals, and companions.

Associates, Allies, Pals, Companions

Associates are a step above acquaintances: they share compatible needs with you and are often encountered through practical or situational utility. For example, they might be the classmate who provides notes when you miss school or the soccer teammate who brings spare equipment. Their role is functional, not emotionally close.

Allies are people united by shared goals and common objectives—like a reliable project partner at work or a parent who always remembers carpool schedules and event logistics. These relationships are built on trust and complementary efforts rather than emotional intimacy. Kennedy likens an ally to a fellow parent who helps with practical tasks but might not be the person she confides in emotionally.

Pals are friends with whom you share interests and hobbies and generally have fun together. This is the most common type of friendship; you might share favorite activities, play sports, enjoy games, or bond over mutual pastimes. The connection centers on enjoyment and mutual enthusiasm, not necessarily on deep trust or shared values.

Companions are rare and hard to find. These are friends who share your core values, provide deep emotional support, and offer genuine affection and care. They may develop over many years and often form the deepest layer in your social life.

Grant emphasizes that these categories are not fixed—some friends may fit multiple roles, and roles can change over time. Recognizing the differences helps people avoid expecting every friend to meet all relational needs.

Recognizing Different Life Roles Reduces Disappointment and Prevents "Friendship Estrangement"

Misplaced expectations often cause disappointment. Grant explains that when someo ...

Adam Grant and Becky Kennedy explore how relationships become deeper, not through adversity, but through shared emotional intensity, healthy conflict, and honest communication of intentions and values.

Emotional Intensity, Not Adversity, Bonds People

Grant explains that research shows it isn’t adversity that brings people closer, but emotional intensity. When people experience moments where their hearts are racing together—whether from exhilaration, fear, effort, or vulnerability—those shared moments create strong bonds.

Emotional Intensity From Shared Physical Challenges Strengthens Social Bonds

Grant shares that when kids or adults push themselves through physical challenges like running or biking together, that exertion acts as "social grease." Sweating and striving through these challenges side by side leads to a sense of collective accomplishment and closeness. The vulnerability that arises from trying hard things in each other’s presence opens up new opportunities for trust and understanding.

Intense Experiences Build Closeness Through Shared Debriefing

The act of debriefing after intense experiences is key to deepening relationships. Grant references an experiment where people who went through a haunted house together felt closer—but only if they talked about the experience afterward. The shared debrief transforms a fleeting scare into a unique memory, a cornerstone for the relationship.

Hearts Racing Together: Intensity From Exhilaration, Fear, Effort, or Vulnerability

Whether it is through exhilarating, scary, or effortful experiences, or through being vulnerable in one another's presence, having collective moments of heightened emotion bonds people. When participants encourage each other to enter challenging or uncomfortable situations, they not only develop mutual trust, but also create a sense of being understood by those who witnessed and shared the experience.

Conflict and Feedback Strengthen Closeness

Grant notes that healthy conflict strengthens relationships, not just the other way around. Experiments show that after difficult conversations—like offering tough love or confronting an issue—both people usually feel more connected two weeks later. The act of opening up vulnerably, even when nervous about damaging the relationship, builds trust and teaches that such conversations can deepen rather than threaten closeness.

Research Shows That Having Difficult Conversations Enhances Connections two Weeks Later, Proving Vulnerability Deepens Bonds

Grant describes situations with children or friends where, after talking through hurt feelings, both parties end up glad for the conversation, knowing they can repeat it in the future. These experiences confirm that giving feedback or confronting problems from a place of care demonstrates the relationship’s importance and invites mutual growth.

Initiate a Difficult Conversation By Stating Your Intention and the Relationship's Value—E.G., "This Relationship Matters, and I Need to Share Something Hurtful"—to Set the Emotional Tone and Show You Care Enough to Risk Discomfort

Both Grant and Kennedy recommend beginning hard conversations by explictly stating the relationship’s significance, such as saying, “This relationship matters to me, and I need to let you know this hurt me because I care about you and don’t want distance between us.” Naming your intention up front frames the discussion as an act of care and keeps the emotional tone constructive.

Framing Feedback As Relational, Not Personal

Constructive criticism should be framed as an attempt to strengthen the relationship rather than a personal attack. Explaining that feedback is intended to help or improve your bond signals, “You matter to me." This helps the recipient see the communication as a demonstration of trust and investment.

Understanding Relationship Dynamics As Shared Patterns, Not Individual Blame

Grant points out the misconception that problems in relationships are due to one person or the other. Psychologists call this “relational attribution,” where issues arise not from individual flaws but from unique social dynamics or interaction patterns. When things go awry, it’s rarely “all you” or “all me,” but a distinct relational pattern.

Relational Attributions: Understanding Unique Social Dynamics As the Problem

Recognizing that relationship challenges often arise from “bad rituals” or patterns of interaction shifts problem-solving away from blame and toward shared responsibility for resetting dynamics.

Ask "Have I Upset You?" to Reset Patterns Before Conflict Escalates

Grant suggests breaking negative cycles by directly asking, “Have I done anything that upset you?” This question opens space for amends and demonstrates willingness to change, often diffusing defensiveness and fostering unde ...

Adam Grant and Becky Kennedy discuss the importance of viewing people as evolving puzzles rather than making quick judgments based on limited experiences. They emphasize how individuals show different aspects of themselves in different settings and that understanding someone is an ongoing process.

Different Contexts Reveal Limited Views of People

Adam Grant explains that, when people first meet someone, they tend to judge others by their most dominant trait—such as extroversion, disagreeableness, or emotional reactivity—which easily stands out. This can give a misleading first impression if one does not see the person in different situations.

Seeing someone in varied situations allows us to witness diverse dimensions of their personality, gradually adding new "puzzle pieces" to our understanding. Grant encourages seeing people in "3D" and recognizing that our initial impression is just a single puzzle piece among many. For example, a person’s behavior in one context, like around peers or under stress, might differ drastically from how they behave one-on-one or in private, revealing new pieces of their personality puzzle.

Kennedy echoes this idea, describing how her child noticed a friend who was kind in private but changed when surrounded by popular peers. This illustrates that a single context shouldn't define our entire understanding of someone; each new situation offers another piece of the puzzle.

Validating a Child's Behavioral Observation Teaches Discernment and Allows For Growth

Kennedy describes an instance where, rather than dismissing her child's observation about a friend’s inconsistent behavior, she responds, "sounds like you’re right to notice that." This approach acknowledges the validity of the observation without instructing the child to write the person off. Grant adds that “you’re right to notice that doesn’t mean you’re right to write that person off,” clarifying that validating an observation is different from making a character verdict.

Teaching Children About Impact and Change

Kennedy and Grant discuss guiding children to see their observations as one puzzle piece rather than as a complete picture of a friend’s character. Grant shares a similar family story where a child felt excluded by a friend in a group setting but valued the one-on-one friendship. Both agree that teaching kids to talk about and notice inconsistencies fosters discernment and emotional growth, allowing for hope and openness to change.

By framing observations as puzzle pieces—“that’s one part of her; other pieces ...

Becky Kennedy and Adam Grant highlight the crucial importance of children engaging in group activities with diverse peers to build social resilience, emphasizing that structured goal-oriented environments such as team sports foster essential social and relationship skills. They contrast these with the limitations of private instruction and discuss the value of challenge and intensity in forming lasting bonds and social competencies.

Team Sports Build Essential Social Skills

Participating in team sports offers children the opportunity to interact with peers who are not always friends or familiar to them. When kids join a basketball team or similar group, even if they initially know no one, they are compelled to meet new peers and gradually form meaningful relationships over time. Adam Grant notes that being part of a team means having to collaborate with people one may not like or get along with right away, which teaches children how to turn companions into partial allies—an essential skill in adulthood and the workplace.

Grant shares his own experience with springboard diving, saying that beyond overcoming physical challenges, a significant part of the experience involved learning to get along with teammates he otherwise might not have chosen as friends. Navigating interpersonal friction to achieve a shared goal gives kids real-life practice at managing complex dynamics similar to those encountered in future workplaces and personal relationships. Kennedy adds that trying out for a team and facing the associated highs and lows also facilitates self-observation, growth, and resilience.

Private Instruction Limits Social Skill Development and Resilience Building

Kennedy and Grant caution against the growing trend of hyper-optimizing children’s skill development through private lessons. Kennedy remarks that focusing on private instruction can inadvertently narrow the range of experiences and relationships that feel comfortable, depriving children of crucial social exposure. Adam Grant states that private lessons, like one-on-one tennis instruction, eliminate the critical element of peer challenge and the chance for children to learn from, and adapt to, a group of diverse individuals.

Group settings expose children to peers with a wide variety of interests and backgrounds, leading not just to skill development but to friendship-building opportunities that often extend beyond the activity. As Kennedy emphasizes, by only attending private lessons ...

Parenting experts Becky Kennedy and Adam Grant discuss the importance of helping children value a diverse set of relationships rather than focusing solely on finding a single best friend. Their insights provide practical strategies for parents to foster self-reflection, resilience, and a broader appreciation for different types of social connections.

Shift From "Who Is Your Best Friend?" To Recognizing Different Types of Connections a Child Has

Ask About Relationship Categories Like "Who Do You Have Fun With?" "Who Can You Count On?" or "Who Do You Work Well With?" Instead of "Who Is Your Best Friend?"

Adam Grant suggests shifting the language used with children away from simply asking, "Who is your best friend?" or "Who are you closest with?" Instead, parents can help kids think about the different roles people play in their lives. Questions like, "Who did you really enjoy a fun conversation or hilarious activity with?" or "Who did you like working on a project with this week?" encourage children to recognize various valuable relationships such as allies, pals, companions, and associates.

Affirm Specific Relationships, Using Language Like "It's Amazing You Found Someone You Love Doing Projects With," "You and That Friend Have Such a Great Time Together," or "You two Work Really Well As a Team."

Becky Kennedy notes the power of affirming specific kinds of connections. She plans to tell her children, "It's so amazing you found someone to do math within class," or "How cool that you really loved doing that Spanish project together." These affirmations highlight the range of positive relationships outside the "best friend" mold. Kennedy also encourages curiosity: "You have a math partner? Tell me what you like about doing math with that person," or "Oh, the two of you are both in this club together?" These conversations normalize different types of connections.

Appreciating Connections Builds Self-Reflection In Your Child

Consistent conversation about a range of friendships and collaborative experiences helps children reflect on what they value in different relationships. By naming and affirming various connections, parents help kids see themselves as successful in relationships even when they lack a single "best friend." This broader social appreciation encourages children to explore their strengths and interests in different settings.

Explain It's Okay Not Having one "Best Friend," and Having Multiple Meaningful Connections Is More Resilient

Normalize Having Multiple Close Friends As a Strength, Not a Deficit

Kennedy and Grant emphasize that children often won't have a best friend for a while, and that's normal. If kids have only been taught to value the "best friend" concept, they might feel lonely when that single close relationship isn't present. By teaching kids to appreciate multiple connections in various categories, parents help them feel social success and reduce loneliness.

People Bring Diverse Gifts Into Our Lives

This approach acknowledges that every relationship offers something unique. Some friends are great project partners, others are fun to hang out with, and some might offer support or share specific interests. Appreciating the diverse gifts people bring encourages resilience and flexibility in children’s social worlds.

My Relationships, Such As:

Parents can model this m ...