Stop Trying to Make Your Kid Feel Good About Themselves
In this episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky, Becky Kennedy redefines what confidence truly means for children. Contrary to popular belief, genuine confidence isn't about always feeling good—it's about trusting yourself through difficult and uncomfortable circumstances. Kennedy explains why constantly trying to make children feel positive actually undermines their development of real confidence.
Kennedy identifies three common parenting habits that inadvertently weaken children's self-trust: rushing to change their negative feelings, helping them avoid difficult situations, and prioritizing external validation over internal assessment. She emphasizes that confidence grows when children accumulate experiences managing hardship rather than avoiding it. The episode offers practical guidance for parents, including reflective questions to ask themselves and their children that build self-assessment skills and authentic self-trust.
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1-Page Summary
Redefining Confidence: Trusting Yourself Through Difficulty
Becky Kennedy challenges the common misconception that confidence in children means always feeling good about oneself. True confidence, she explains, is about trusting yourself across a wide range of circumstances, including difficult and uncomfortable ones.
Confidence Is Not Constant Self-Satisfaction
Many parents try to ensure their children always feel good, happy, and comfortable. However, Kennedy points out that this approach is flawed because children inevitably face situations where they don't feel positive—they fail, feel unwelcome, or struggle with new skills. If confidence is tied only to feeling good, it becomes fragile and collapses when adversity strikes.
True confidence means being okay with yourself even in disappointment or discomfort. A child who fails to make the team can still feel, "It's okay being me." Kennedy emphasizes that building real confidence doesn't require making uncomfortable feelings disappear or guaranteeing positive outcomes—it's about creating experiences where children learn they can remain true to themselves through hard moments.
Confidence Grows When Children Feel Authentic
Kennedy notes that confidence develops as children learn to trust their own choices and preferences, even when they differ from others'. The goal is supporting children in cultivating inner stability across different situations, so their sense of self remains intact when life is uncertain or uncomfortable. Paradoxically, limiting children's exposure to difficulty makes them less confident. When parents consistently remove struggles—immediately emailing teachers, providing tutors, offering devices for distraction—children learn that hard things should be fixed externally, not managed internally. Without learning to tolerate discomfort, children never develop the confidence needed to face adversity.
Three Parenting Habits That Undermine Confidence
Changing Children's Feelings of Self-Doubt
A common reflex is quickly trying to change a child's negative feeling. When a child says, "I'm so bad at soccer," parents often immediately respond, "No, you're not!"—even when it may be true. Kennedy explains this inadvertently teaches that being mediocre threatens one's identity, preventing children from learning they can lack skill yet maintain self-worth.
Helping Children Avoid Difficult Situations
Another undermining habit is parental intervention to prevent children from facing rejection or discomfort. Examples include securing invitations to sleepovers, immediately emailing teachers, or arranging private lessons when group classes feel hard. While these actions originate from love, Kennedy cautions that consistently changing outcomes teaches children to alter situations rather than develop resilience. She notes the essential question is whether parents are preparing the road for their child or preparing their child for the road.
Favoring External Validation Over Internal Assessment
The third habit is valuing external validation above internal assessment. This occurs when questions emphasize outside opinions: "Did you win?" "What did your friends get?" Kennedy points out that while outside feedback matters, confidence means being aware of the external environment without outsourcing your entire sense of self. True confidence is rooted inside, accessible even in solitude.
Confidence Grows Through Managing Hardship, Not Avoiding It
Kennedy emphasizes that true confidence emerges as individuals build a "track record" by experiencing and managing situations that don't go their way. Children need to accumulate real-life experiences where plans don't work out and they cope without intervention. It's not enough to simply tell kids that not everything will go their way—they must repeatedly navigate disappointment themselves to genuinely internalize this lesson.
When children endure hardship and realize, "I'm still here. That wasn't fun, but I'm capable of handling hard things," it lays the foundation for authentic self-trust. This ongoing experience of facing challenges and surviving teaches them they can handle difficult circumstances—and this is the root of true confidence.
Practical Parenting: Encouraging Self-Trust Through Questions
Kennedy advises parents to pause before responding when children are upset and ask themselves, "What am I trying to change right now?" This reflection helps distinguish between necessary intervention and mere rescuing.
Instead of offering reassurance like "You're good at soccer," Kennedy recommends asking, "What happened at practice? Tell me." If a child says, "I'm scared I'm not gonna make the team," rather than guaranteeing success, parents can empathize: "You really want to make it. I don't know what will happen, but you're the same awesome kid and you can handle it."
Kennedy advocates for questions that build self-assessment skills, focusing on processes rather than results. Instead of "You scored two goals," try "What part of the game are you proudest of?" This shift from external praise to internal evaluation helps build reflective skills and self-awareness. Most importantly, Kennedy stresses that listening—rather than rushing to solve or reassure—teaches children that their thoughts and feelings are valuable, laying the foundation for self-trust.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- True confidence is an internal sense of self-trust that persists despite failures or discomfort. Common perceptions often equate confidence with feeling good or succeeding consistently. True confidence involves accepting imperfections and uncertainty without losing self-worth. It is resilient, not dependent on external success or constant positive feelings.
- Inner stability refers to a consistent sense of self that remains steady despite external changes or challenges. It means having a core belief in your own worth and values that doesn't waver with success or failure. This stability allows confidence to persist even when situations are difficult or outcomes are uncertain. Developing inner stability helps children rely on their own judgment and feelings rather than external approval.
- Limiting exposure to difficulty prevents children from practicing problem-solving and emotional regulation. Without facing challenges, they miss opportunities to build resilience and learn coping skills. This lack of experience makes them more likely to feel helpless when problems arise. Confidence grows through mastering adversity, not avoiding it.
- Parental intervention can prevent children from learning how to solve problems independently. When parents fix every difficulty, children miss chances to develop coping skills. This reliance on adults can make children feel less capable and more anxious about challenges. Building resilience requires experiencing and managing setbacks without immediate rescue.
- "Preparing the road" means changing the environment to remove obstacles for the child, making challenges easier or nonexistent. "Preparing the child for the road" means equipping the child with skills and resilience to handle difficulties independently. The former can limit growth by avoiding hardship, while the latter builds confidence through experience. True confidence develops when children learn to navigate real challenges themselves.
- Internal assessment is the process of evaluating your own feelings, thoughts, and abilities based on personal standards and experiences. External validation relies on others' opinions or approval to feel worthy or successful. Developing internal assessment fosters self-reliance and resilience, as confidence comes from within rather than fluctuating external feedback. This helps individuals maintain a stable sense of self regardless of outside judgments.
- Managing disappointment without intervention helps children develop problem-solving skills by facing challenges independently. This process teaches them they can rely on their own abilities to cope, fostering a sense of competence. Over time, repeated experiences of handling setbacks build internal confidence and reduce dependence on external reassurance. This self-trust becomes a stable foundation for resilience in future difficulties.
- Asking open-ended questions encourages children to reflect on their own experiences and feelings, fostering self-awareness and critical thinking. This process helps them develop internal validation rather than relying on external praise, which can be fleeting. It also teaches problem-solving skills by prompting children to analyze situations themselves. Ultimately, this builds resilience and authentic confidence rooted in self-trust.
- Children develop reflective skills and self-awareness by regularly thinking about their own experiences and feelings rather than relying solely on others' opinions. This internal evaluation encourages them to recognize their strengths, weaknesses, and emotions independently. Over time, this practice helps children understand their motivations and reactions, fostering deeper self-knowledge. Parents can support this by asking open-ended questions that prompt children to analyze their own actions and feelings.
- Listening attentively shows children that their feelings are important and valid, which strengthens their sense of self-worth. It helps them learn to identify and understand their emotions, fostering emotional intelligence. This practice encourages children to trust their own inner experiences rather than relying solely on external approval. Over time, attentive listening builds a secure foundation for self-trust and resilience.
Counterarguments
- Some children may require more external support or intervention due to neurodiversity, mental health challenges, or developmental differences, and withholding assistance could be detrimental rather than beneficial.
- Cultural values and family structures may prioritize collective well-being, harmony, or interdependence over individual self-trust, making the emphasis on internal confidence less universally applicable.
- In certain high-stakes or unsafe situations, immediate parental intervention is necessary to protect children from harm or injustice, and not all adversity is beneficial for growth.
- External validation can play a positive role in motivation and self-esteem, especially for children who are still developing their internal sense of self.
- Some research suggests that a balanced approach—combining support, encouragement, and opportunities for independent problem-solving—may be more effective than focusing solely on fostering internal resilience.
- Children’s temperaments vary, and some may benefit from more reassurance or guidance to build confidence, rather than being left to navigate difficulties largely on their own.
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Redefining Confidence: Trusting Yourself Through Difficulty, Not Always Feeling Good About Yourself
Confidence in children is often misunderstood as always feeling good about oneself or being the first to join in activities. True confidence, however, goes beyond self-satisfaction and reflects a deeper trust in oneself across a wide range of circumstances, including those that are difficult or uncomfortable.
Confidence Is Not Constant Self-Satisfaction
Many parents equate confidence with their child feeling good, happy, or comfortable in all situations. They may try to fix problems, reassure, or make children’s negative feelings disappear. However, this approach is flawed, because children inevitably face situations where they don’t feel good about themselves—they may fail, feel unwelcome, or tackle things they are not yet good at. If confidence is linked only to feeling positive, it becomes fragile and collapses when adversity arises.
True confidence is not about always feeling good. It’s about being okay with oneself even in disappointment, failure, or discomfort. For example, the child who fails to make the team, feels like the worst one present, or stands apart from the group can still feel, “It’s okay being me.” The ultimate goal is to help children expand the range of situations in which they trust themselves, not relying on constant positive emotions or the approval of others. As Becky Kennedy explains, building true confidence does not require making uncomfortable feelings go away, guaranteeing positive outcomes, or convincing children to feel better. It is about creating experiences where children see that it’s possible to remain true to themselves even through hard moments.
Confidence Grows In Spaces Where Children Feel Authentic
Confidence develops as children learn to trust their choices and preferences, even when they differ from those of others. Carter’s survey of parents found that the top concern is helping kids trust themselves, rather than relying solely on external approval. Confidence comes from having a stable sense of self—feeling sure of who you are in various contexts and learning that you can be okay even in challenging or disappointing circumstances. The goal is to support children in cultivating inner stability across different situations, so their sense of self remains intact when life is uncertain, uncomfortable, or n ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Redefining Confidence: Trusting Yourself Through Difficulty, Not Always Feeling Good About Yourself
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While developing inner resilience is important, some children may benefit from external support or reassurance, especially those with anxiety or other mental health challenges, and withholding such support could be detrimental.
- The idea that modern parenting excessively protects children may not account for cultural, socioeconomic, or safety factors that necessitate parental intervention in certain contexts.
- Encouraging children to tolerate discomfort without adequate guidance or support could risk emotional harm or reinforce negative self-perceptions in vulnerable children.
- The emphasis on self-trust and inner stability may overlook the value of community, collaboration, and seeking help from others as important aspects of confidence and coping.
- Not all ch ...
Actionables
- you can create a weekly “discomfort challenge” jar where your child draws a slip with a small, age-appropriate task that might feel awkward or unfamiliar (like asking a store clerk a question or trying a new food), then talk together afterward about how it felt and what they learned about themselves, focusing on their ability to handle the experience rather than the outcome
- a practical way to help your child trust their own preferences is to let them make low-stakes choices (like picking their outfit or planning a simple family meal) and then reflect together on how it felt to stick with their decision, especially if it was different from what others chose
- you can model self-trust by n ...
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Three Parenting Habits That Undermine Confidence: Influencing Children's Emotions, Altering Outcomes Via Intervention, External Validation Over Internal Assessment
Changing Children's Feelings of Self-Doubt or Disappointment
A common parenting reflex is to quickly try to change a child’s negative feeling or self-doubt. If a child says, “I’m so bad at soccer,” a parent might immediately reply, “No, you’re not!”—even when it may be true. This urge stems from fear of letting children experience themselves as not excelling, leading parents to counteract negative self-talk by convincing children that their worth depends on being skilled. This inadvertently teaches that being mediocre or struggling threatens one’s identity, which can prevent children from learning they can lack skill yet still maintain self-worth.
Habit 2: Helping Children Avoid Difficult Situations
Another habit is parental intervention to prevent children from facing rejection or discomfort. For example, if a child isn’t invited to a sleepover, a parent might contact another parent to secure an invitation. If a teacher has a difficult moment with the child, the immediate response might be to email for a conference. If the child dislikes group classes, rather than encouraging perseverance, the solution may be to arrange private lessons. Although these actions often originate from love and aren’t inherently wrong, consistently changing outcomes teaches children to alter situations rather than develop resilience. Over time, this narrows the range of discomfort they can handle.
Dr. Becky Kennedy cautions that the essential question is whether parents are preparing the road for their child or preparing their child for the road. Children will eventually face exclusion, authority conflicts, and group constraints. If they’re always rescued as kids, parents shouldn't be surprised when a 21-year-old asks for help with a college professor. The track record that builds confidence is one that lets them navigate challenges and develop resilience, not one that fixes every problem before it can be felt or learned from.
Favoring External Validation Over Child's Self-Worth
The third undermining habit is valuing external validation above internal assessment. This happens when questions and compliments emphasize outside opinions and achievem ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Three Parenting Habits That Undermine Confidence: Influencing Children's Emotions, Altering Outcomes Via Intervention, External Validation Over Internal Assessment
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Self-worth is the fundamental sense of being inherently valuable and deserving of respect, regardless of achievements or others' opinions. Self-esteem refers to how positively or negatively one evaluates oneself based on specific traits or accomplishments. While self-esteem can fluctuate with success or failure, self-worth remains stable and unconditional. Developing strong self-worth helps individuals maintain confidence even when external validation is absent.
- Quickly countering a child's negative self-talk can prevent them from learning to cope with failure and disappointment. It may teach children to rely on others for reassurance rather than developing internal resilience. This approach can create fear of making mistakes and reduce motivation to improve. Allowing children to experience and reflect on negative feelings helps build realistic self-awareness and confidence.
- Experiencing failure teaches children that mistakes are a natural part of learning and growth. It helps them develop problem-solving skills and emotional resilience. Without facing challenges, children may fear failure and avoid trying new things. This process builds true confidence by showing that self-worth is not tied to always succeeding.
- Resilience is the ability to recover from setbacks and adapt to difficult situations. It develops when children face challenges and learn to solve problems independently. Experiencing failure and discomfort helps build emotional strength and coping skills. Overprotecting children can limit these growth opportunities, making resilience harder to develop.
- Preparing the road for a child means removing obstacles and making life easier to avoid challenges. Preparing the child for the road means teaching them skills to handle difficulties independently. The former can limit growth by preventing experience with failure or discomfort. The latter builds resilience and confidence through real-world problem-solving.
- Parental intervention in social situations can prevent children from learning how to manage disappointment and rejection on their own. Experiencing these challenges helps children develop emotional regulation and problem-solving skills. Without these experiences, children may struggle to cope with future social difficulties independently. Overprotection can hinder the development of resilience and self-confidence.
- External validation means relying on others' opinions or approval to feel good about oneself. Internal assessment is the ability to evaluate and value oneself based on personal beliefs and feelings. Overdependence on external validation can lead to insecurity and anxiety when approval is absent. Developing internal assessment fosters stable self-confidence independent of outside judgment.
- Relying on external valid ...
Counterarguments
- Some children may benefit from parental intervention in certain situations, especially if they are particularly sensitive or have special needs, as it can provide necessary support and advocacy.
- Shielding children from extreme or repeated negative experiences can prevent trauma and protect mental health, especially in cases of bullying or systemic unfairness.
- Occasional external validation can motivate children, help them set goals, and teach them about social norms and expectations.
- Not all children develop resilience at the same pace; some may require more guidance and reassurance before they are ready to face challenges independently.
- Parental encouragement and positive reframing of negative self-talk can help children develop a growth mindset, rather than reinforcing a fixed sense of inadequa ...
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Confidence Grows: Through Managing Hard Situations and Disappointment, Not Avoiding Discomfort or Quick Fixes
Becky Kennedy explains that true confidence does not arise from avoiding difficulty or seeking quick solutions. Rather, it emerges as individuals build a "track record" by experiencing and managing situations that do not go their way. When people face adversity and endure discomfort, the result is a lasting belief in their ability to navigate hardship.
Confidence Stems From Enduring and Learning From Hardship, Not Avoiding It
Kennedy emphasizes that children need to accumulate real-life experiences where plans do not work out as expected. Confidence is not developed by ensuring everything goes smoothly or by parents rescuing children from disappointment. Instead, real confidence comes from situations in which things go differently than envisioned and children are left to cope without intervention. Over time, surviving and adjusting to these difficult moments causes the pain to shrink and teaches children they can endure what is hard.
Children Must Learn to Cope When Plans Don't Work Out
Kennedy notes that it is not enough to simply tell kids that not everything will go their way; lectures have little lasting impact. Instead, young people must repeatedly navigate disappointment themselves to genuinely understand and internalize that lesson.
Experiencing Difficulty Without Parental Rescue Builds True Confidence
Allowing children to meet hardship and not intervening every time helps them see themselves as capable of handling whatever arises. When children go through events that turn out differently than they’d hoped and realize, “Look at me. I’m still here. That wasn’t fun at all, but I’m capable of handling hard things,” it lays the foundation for authentic self-trust.
Overcoming Difficulty Builds Confidence Better Than Avoiding It
Kennedy makes clear that the capacity to survive discomfort—not to immediately find a ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Confidence Grows: Through Managing Hard Situations and Disappointment, Not Avoiding Discomfort or Quick Fixes
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Building a "track record" means accumulating multiple experiences of facing and overcoming challenges over time. Each successful navigation of difficulty adds evidence to one's belief in their ability to cope. This repeated practice strengthens confidence by proving resilience is possible, not just theoretical. Confidence grows from this history of real, managed adversity rather than from isolated successes or easy situations.
- Avoiding discomfort prevents people from learning how to handle challenges independently. Quick fixes bypass the process of problem-solving, which builds skills and resilience. True confidence grows from repeated experiences of overcoming difficulties, not from never facing them. Without these experiences, self-trust remains fragile and dependent on external help.
- Enduring hardship activates the brain's natural coping mechanisms, gradually reducing emotional intensity. Repeated exposure to discomfort leads to habituation, where the distressing response weakens over time. This process strengthens neural pathways associated with resilience and emotional regulation. As a result, individuals feel less overwhelmed by similar challenges in the future.
- Parental rescue means stepping in to solve a child's problems or prevent them from experiencing failure or disappointment. Allowing children to cope independently means letting them face challenges and find their own solutions without immediate adult intervention. This process helps children develop problem-solving skills and emotional resilience. Overprotection can hinder confidence by preventing children from learning how to manage difficulties on their own.
- Repeated experiences of disappointment teach children to adjust their expectations based on reality rather than wishful thinking. Over time, they learn that outcomes are not always controllable, which helps them develop realistic thinking. This process strengthens emotional regulation by reducing shock or distress when things go wrong. Ultimately, it builds a mental framework that prepares them to handle future setbacks calmly and effectively.
- Self-trust is the confidence in one's own judgment and ability to handle situations independently. It develops when individuals repeatedly face challenges and successfully navigate them without relying on others to solve problems. Each experience of overcoming difficulty reinforces the belief that they can manage future obstacles. This internal assurance grows stronger as people recognize their own resilience and decision-making skills.
- Surviving discomfort means accepting and enduring difficult feelings or situations without trying to change them immediately. Forcing better outcomes involves trying to fix or avoid problems quickly, often by controlling the situation or seeking shortcuts. The former builds resilience by ...
Counterarguments
- Some research suggests that supportive parental involvement during difficult situations can foster secure attachment and self-esteem, which are also important components of confidence.
- Overexposure to adversity without adequate support can lead to anxiety, learned helplessness, or trauma, rather than resilience or confidence.
- Cultural differences exist in parenting styles; in some cultures, collective problem-solving and parental guidance are valued and do not necessarily undermine confidence.
- Individual temperament and neurodiversity (e.g., children with anxiety disorders or developmental differences) may require tailored approaches, and not all children benefit equally from facing hardship independently.
- ...
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Practical Parenting: Encouraging Children's Self-Trust and Capability Assessment via Questions and Responses
Becky Kennedy emphasizes the importance of parental responses that foster self-trust and internal reflection in children, rather than simply offering reassurance or solutions.
Pause Before Responding: Ask What You're Trying to Change
Kennedy advises parents to notice the urge to immediately fix situations or make a child feel better when they're upset. She suggests pausing and asking, "What am I trying to change right now?" This reflection includes considering whether you're attempting to change the child's feelings, to alter the event, or to offer an external solution. By pausing, parents can distinguish between necessary intervention and mere rescuing, enabling them to support their child’s autonomy rather than override their experience with external fixes.
Replace Reassurance and Problem-Solving With Reflective Open-Ended Questions
Instead of offering reassurance like "You're good at soccer" when a child says, "I'm bad at soccer," Kennedy recommends asking, "What happened at practice? Tell me." This approach encourages children to explore their feelings and the situation for themselves. Similarly, if a child expresses fear such as, "I'm scared I'm not gonna make the team," rather than guaranteeing success, a parent can empathize: "You really want to make it—I get that. I don't know what will happen, but I do know you're the same awesome kid and you can handle it. We'll get through it together." This method validates the child's emotions, acknowledges uncertainty, and provides support without offering empty reassurances.
Ask Children Questions to Build Self-Assessment Skills
Kennedy advocates for centering questions that build a child’s ability to self-assess, focusing on their processes rather than the results. For example, instead of commenting, "Hey, you scored two goals in your game," she suggests asking, "What part of the game a ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Practical Parenting: Encouraging Children's Self-Trust and Capability Assessment via Questions and Responses
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- Some children may require more direct reassurance or concrete solutions, especially in situations where their distress is overwhelming or their developmental stage limits their ability to self-reflect.
- In certain urgent or safety-related situations, immediate intervention and problem-solving by parents are necessary and appropriate.
- Not all children respond positively to open-ended questions; some may find them confusing, frustrating, or anxiety-inducing, particularly if they are younger or have communication difficulties.
- Cultural differences may influence parenting styles, and in some cultures, direct guidance and reassurance are valued and effective in fostering confidence and security.
- Excessive focus on internal evaluation and self-assessment could inadvertently place too much pressure on children to be introspective or self-critical, potentially leading to anxiety or self-doubt.
- Some children may interpret a lack of reassurance or e ...
Actionables
- You can keep a small notepad or use your phone to jot down your immediate reactions when your child is upset, then review them later to spot patterns in your responses and identify moments when you intervened versus when you let your child process independently; this helps you become more intentional about when to step in and when to hold back.
- A practical way to encourage your child’s self-reflection is to create a “feelings jar” together, where both of you write down emotions or situations on slips of paper throughout the week, then set aside time to pick a few and talk about what led to those feelings and how each person handled them, focusing on process rather than solutions. ...
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1-Page Summary- Redefining Confidence: Trusting Yourself Through Difficulty, Not Always Feeling Good About Yourself
- Three Parenting Habits That Undermine Confidence: Influencing Children's Emotions, Altering Outcomes Via Intervention, External Validation Over Internal Assessment
- Confidence Grows: Through Managing Hard Situations and Disappointment, Not Avoiding Discomfort or Quick Fixes
- Practical Parenting: Encouraging Children's Self-Trust and Capability Assessment via Questions and Responses
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