Never Off Duty: Perfectionism and Motherhood
In this episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky, Dr. Cassidy Freitas and host Becky Kennedy explore how perfectionism takes root in childhood and manifests in motherhood. Freitas shares her personal story of how cultural narratives and family experiences shaped her perfectionistic tendencies, which later influenced her approach to parenting—from creating an elaborate birth plan to pushing herself to the point of burnout postpartum.
The conversation examines the connection between perfectionism and parental burnout, explaining how the constant mental cataloging of tasks leaves parents with no margin for rest or presence. Freitas and Kennedy offer practical strategies for shifting away from perfectionism, including body-based grounding techniques and reframing motivation from obligation to self-care. They emphasize the importance of modeling imperfection and repair for children, demonstrating that mistakes are opportunities for accountability rather than failures that threaten love and connection.
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1-Page Summary
The Roots and Origins of Perfectionism
Dr. Cassidy Freitas and cohost Becky Kennedy explore how perfectionism develops in childhood and shapes parenting. Freitas shares how her own perfectionistic tendencies arose from her parents' experiences: her Hispanic mother, a judge operating in white male-dominated spaces where perfection was a survival requirement, and her father, who grew up financially insecure and equated academic achievement with safety and belonging. As a child, Freitas internalized her father's advice to "work hard and do your best" as "work hard, never stop, be the best."
Freitas emphasizes that these patterns are not isolated personal traits but adaptations to systems of oppression, cultural narratives, and inherited trauma. Children absorb perfectionism not through explicit instructions but through subtle cues—a parent's facial expression, emotional tone, or repeated mantras. From these moments, children create internal narratives: "If I am perfect, I will earn closeness, safety, and love." This strategy to avoid rejection by covering up vulnerabilities becomes automatic and persists into adulthood.
How Perfectionism Manifests In Motherhood
Freitas describes how her drive for achievement extended into motherhood preparation, creating an exhaustive birth plan for the "perfect birth." When she needed an unexpected C-section after two hours of pushing, she felt overwhelming failure and shame: "You fuck up. This was your first fucking job as a mom." She couldn't even look at her newborn, and her doula's disappointed reaction and subsequent absence amplified her isolation.
Postpartum, Freitas's perfectionism pushed her toward harmful self-sacrifice—staying awake despite extreme sleep deprivation, breastfeeding through bleeding nipples and mastitis, believing any compromise meant failing her baby. Shame made her hide her struggles, especially postpartum anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Instead of seeking help, she projected competence while processing her pain alone.
Freitas also describes the perfectionist parent's evening dilemma: when kids finally sleep and there's a moment to rest, an inner voice catalogues undone tasks and insists that stopping means failing at motherhood. This voice, fueled by fear and shame, demands non-stop performance and denies any space for authentic rest.
The Connection Between Perfectionism and Parental Burnout
Perfectionist parents operate with overloaded mental calendars where every tiny obligation—answering children's questions during car rides, responding to emails, handling paperwork—is logged mentally, leaving no quiet moment unclaimed. These parents find it nearly impossible to notice small beauties or simply be present because pausing feels unsafe or wasteful.
Freitas explains that the brain requires space and mental margins to process busy parenting days and access resources like curiosity and creativity. However, intensive parenting, digital connectivity, and perfectionism create a culture where every moment appears optimizable. Without margins and downtime, parents default to overloaded and reactive mindsets, cut off from the creativity needed to meet their children's needs in adaptive and nurturing ways. This relentless pace fuels the cycle of burnout.
Practical Strategies For Shifting Perfectionism
Freitas recommends that when perfectionism arises, the first step should be to pause and reconnect to the body—she illustrates this by placing her hand on her chest, which brings her out of swirling thoughts and grounds her. Kennedy shares a similar practice of tapping her heart and repeating "I'm here, I'm here." This pause is an opportunity to choose compassion instead of criticism, using phrases like "Of course you feel this," which validates feelings the way a compassionate adult would recognize a child's emotions as real.
Kennedy identifies the internal "drill sergeant" voice that drives productivity through rigidity and obligation, emphasizing the power of maintaining motivation while evolving the tone from harshness to compassion. She gives a practical example from parenting: instead of a rigid to-do list, she encourages her child to consider, "How can I take care of my tomorrow self?" This reframing transforms tasks from obligation into care.
Cassidy notes that creating margin or space is essential for parents, not selfish. Taking a pause between a trigger and a response gives parents a chance to choose differently, setting an example for their children. Kennedy highlights how shifting from perfectionism to caring for one's future self builds sustainable motivation based on compassion and intentionality rather than shame and fear.
Importance Of Modeling Imperfection and Repair For Children
Freitas shares that after losing her temper with her son, he joked that she would soon be saying the "S word"—sorry. She realizes he expects an apology because she consistently models repair, teaching him that relationships can endure conflict and that imperfections are survivable. Freitas emphasizes she says sorry many times a day, showing her children that messing up isn't the end but a chance to practice accountability. She stresses that modeling repair after conflict is more valuable than never showing cracks, teaching children about imperfection, accountability, and recovery from failure.
Freitas openly admits she dislikes certain aspects of motherhood, such as doing crafts, modeling authenticity for her children rather than performance. This transparency teaches children they don't need to be perfect to be lovable. She notes that if parents model perfectionism, children may internalize that their worth is tied to flawless performance, inhibiting their natural self-expression and making it hard to set healthy boundaries.
When Kennedy prompts Freitas to reflect on what she hopes her children will say about her, Freitas replies that she hopes they'll say they felt safe, fully accepted, and always able to call her, no matter what they were experiencing. By consistently modeling imperfection and repair, parents teach children that mistakes are part of being human and that they have the tools and permission to make amends, reinforcing that love and connection endure through struggles and failures.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While perfectionism can be shaped by childhood experiences and cultural narratives, some research suggests that genetic and temperamental factors also play a significant role in its development, independent of parental modeling or trauma.
- Not all children exposed to perfectionistic cues or high parental expectations develop perfectionism; individual differences in resilience, temperament, and external support systems can mediate these effects.
- The narrative that perfectionism is primarily maladaptive overlooks evidence that, in some contexts, striving for high standards can be associated with positive outcomes such as academic achievement, career success, and personal satisfaction, especially when balanced with self-compassion.
- The focus on perfectionism as a response to systems of oppression or inherited trauma may not account for its prevalence in diverse socioeconomic and cultural contexts, including those without overt systemic pressures.
- Some parents may find that structured routines, high standards, and attention to detail provide a sense of control and stability, which can be beneficial for both parent and child, rather than inherently harmful.
- The emphasis on modeling imperfection and repair, while valuable, may not resonate with all cultural or familial values, where maintaining authority or composure is prioritized over vulnerability.
- The suggestion that perfectionism is a primary driver of parental burnout may overlook other significant contributors such as lack of social support, economic stress, or mental health challenges unrelated to perfectionistic tendencies.
- Encouraging parents to frequently apologize or display vulnerability may, in some cases, undermine parental authority or create confusion for children about boundaries, depending on the child's age and developmental stage.
- The idea that digital connectivity and intensive parenting are universally negative may not acknowledge the benefits these can provide, such as access to information, community, and flexible work arrangements.
Actionables
- you can set a weekly “mess-up moment” ritual with your child where you both intentionally do something imperfectly (like drawing with your non-dominant hand or baking cookies with a missing ingredient), then talk about how it felt and what you learned, helping normalize mistakes and model resilience.
- a practical way to create mental margin is to schedule a daily five-minute “nothing slot” on your calendar, where you do absolutely nothing productive—just sit, breathe, or look out the window—training your brain to tolerate downtime and making space for presence.
- you can keep a “future self kindness jar” where you drop in notes each time you do something, however small, that will make tomorrow easier (like prepping snacks or setting out clothes), then read them at the end of the week to reinforce self-care as an ongoing, intentional practice.
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The Roots and Origins of Perfectionism
Perfectionism Arises From Family Systems Where Parents Model Achievement and Excellence as Survival Mechanisms
Dr. Cassidy Freitas describes how her parents’ experiences shaped her own perfectionistic tendencies. Her mother, a Hispanic woman who became a judge, had to operate in white male-dominated spaces where there was no room for error, making perfection a survival requirement. As a child, Cassidy only saw the result: a mother who embodied the need to be perfect, bringing that pressure home. Her father, who grew up financially insecure, equated achievement—especially academic success, straight A’s, scholarships—as the route to safety and belonging. Cassidy internalized her father’s repeated advice to “work hard and do your best,” a phrase that, against the backdrop of her parents’ lived experiences, translated as “work hard, never stop, do your best, but also be the best.”
Children, Freitas explains, naturally amplify and interpret parental advice through their own developing lens. Often, these messages are not direct instructions but are absorbed from repeated sayings, family expectations, and the emotional climate at home. These patterns do not arise in a vacuum; Freitas emphasizes they are adaptations to systems of oppression, cultural narratives, and inherited trauma. Her parents themselves were influenced by external pressures—whether tied to race, gender, or class—and passed down survival mechanisms to her. Contextualizing these cycles reveals that perfectionism is not an isolated personal trait but is inherited from family adaptations to societal adversity. This awareness, Freitas believes, can foster self-compassion and encourage individuals to break the cycle for future generations.
Children Learn Perfectionism Through Observed Cues and Family Values, Shaping Their Narratives About Safety, Belonging, and Lovability
Children’s brains are “story-making machines,” as Cassidy and cohost Becky Kennedy note. Rather than learning perfectionism through explicit statements like “you must be perfect,” children internalize expectations from subtle cues: a parent’s facial expression after a missed soccer goal, the emotional tone at home ...
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The Roots and Origins of Perfectionism
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Clarifications
- Family systems theory views the family as an interconnected unit where each member’s behavior affects and is affected by others. Patterns, roles, and communication styles develop within this system and shape how individuals think, feel, and act. These dynamics often operate unconsciously, influencing behavior across generations. Understanding family systems helps explain how traits like perfectionism are passed down and maintained.
- In psychological development, "survival mechanisms" are behaviors or coping strategies learned to manage stress or threats in one's environment. These mechanisms help individuals adapt to challenging or unsafe conditions, often unconsciously. They can become ingrained patterns that influence thoughts, emotions, and actions throughout life. In families, survival mechanisms may be passed down as ways to navigate social or cultural pressures.
- Systems of oppression are societal structures that unfairly disadvantage certain groups based on race, gender, class, or other identities. These systems create chronic stress and limit opportunities, influencing how families adapt to survive. Families under oppression may develop strict expectations and high achievement standards as protective strategies. These adaptations shape individual psychology by embedding survival-driven behaviors like perfectionism.
- Inherited trauma refers to the transmission of the effects of trauma experienced by one generation to subsequent generations. This can occur through behavioral patterns, emotional responses, and family dynamics shaped by the original trauma. Additionally, some research suggests biological mechanisms, like epigenetic changes, may play a role in passing trauma effects. These inherited influences shape how descendants perceive safety, stress, and relationships.
- Children internalize parental behaviors and expectations by observing and emotionally responding to their parents' actions, tone, and reactions over time. Their developing brains absorb these patterns as implicit rules about how to behave to gain approval and safety. This process shapes their self-concept and coping strategies, often without explicit verbal instruction. These internalized messages influence their feelings of worth and guide future behavior automatically.
- The phrase means that children naturally create explanations and meaning from their experiences to understand the world. Psychologically, this helps them predict outcomes and feel a sense of control. These internal stories shape their beliefs about themselves and relationships. Over time, these narratives influence behavior and emotional responses.
- Children’s brains interpret experiences by forming mental stories that explain their environment and relationships. These internal narratives shape how they view themselves and others, influencing emotions and reactions. Over time, these stories guide behavior by creating expectations about what is needed to feel safe and valued. Changing these narratives often requires conscious reflection and new experiences.
- Perfectio ...
Actionables
- You can keep a daily log of moments when you notice yourself striving for perfection, then jot down what you believe would happen if you didn’t meet those standards, helping you spot patterns where perfectionism feels tied to safety or acceptance.
- A practical way to shift family conversations is to introduce a weekly “imperfect win” ritual, where everyone shares something they did imperfectly and what they learned or enjoyed from it, making room for vulnerability and reducing pressure to always excel.
- You can write a ...
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How Perfectionism Manifests In Motherhood
Dr. Cassidy Freitas and Becky Kennedy explore how perfectionism shapes the modern motherhood experience, often through rigid planning, shame-fueled responses to deviations, isolation, self-sacrifice, and the relentless prioritization of productivity over rest.
Perfectionism in Motherhood Can Lead To Rigid Planning, Shame-Based Responses to Deviations, and Disconnection From the Parenting Experience
Dr. Cassidy describes how her lifelong drive for achievement—“I did get straight A's for a lot of my life... I worked myself to the bone... had some, a lot of panic attacks”—extended into her preparation for motherhood. Determined to have the “perfect birth,” she drew up an exhaustive, rigid birth plan: “I am going to create the most perfect birth plan ... the most natural birth ... it is going to be X, Y, and Z ... Please put this in my records.” She admits that beneath her perfectionism was an intense desire to keep herself and her baby safe, imagining that complete control would guarantee the outcome she longed for.
Cassidy’s sense of control shattered when, after pushing for two hours, she needed an unexpected C-section. She had not mentally prepared for a surgical birth, using avoidance as self-protection. The sterile, bright operating room felt traumatic and jarring. In the aftermath, she was overcome with feelings of failure and shame: “‘You fuck up. This was your first fucking job as a mom. And she's here.’ And I couldn't even look at her.” Exhausted, heavily medicated, and haunted by self-blame, Cassidy turned away from her newborn, unable to connect in that moment.
Isolation magnified by perfectionism followed. She notes she hired a doula “who aligned with my straight A birth plan. Your magnet was strong.” When it became clear a C-section was needed, Cassidy saw disappointment on her doula's face and felt even more shame; afterward, the doula didn’t stick around, amplifying Cassidy’s sense of abandonment and isolation.
Perfecting Postpartum: Self-Sacrifice, Harm, Silencing Struggles to Appear Capable
In postpartum, Dr. Cassidy’s perfectionism pushed her toward harmful self-sacrifice and self-erasure. She stayed awake despite extreme sleep deprivation, feeling compelled to give her child “all of me at every moment.” Even while breastfeeding through pain, scabbed and bleeding nipples, and mastitis, she believed any compromise would mean failing her baby.
Shame made her hide her struggles, especially as she experienced postpartum anxiety and frightening intrusive ...
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How Perfectionism Manifests In Motherhood
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While perfectionism can be harmful, some degree of planning and striving for excellence in motherhood can be adaptive, helping mothers prepare for challenges and advocate for their needs.
- Not all mothers who experience unexpected deviations from their birth plans develop trauma or shame; many adapt flexibly and find meaning or empowerment in their experiences.
- The experience of shame, self-blame, or isolation after birth is not universal among perfectionist mothers; individual coping mechanisms and support systems can mitigate these feelings.
- Some mothers find that striving for high standards in parenting motivates them to seek support, learn new skills, or build community, rather than leading to isolation or self-silencing.
- The dichotomy between productivity and rest may not resonate w ...
Actionables
- you can create a daily “imperfection log” where you jot down one unexpected or imperfect moment from your day and write a single sentence about how you responded with flexibility or self-compassion, helping you gradually normalize and accept deviations from plans.
- a practical way to challenge shame and isolation is to set up a private, rotating “real talk” text exchange with one or two trusted friends, where each person shares one honest struggle or messy moment from their week, making vulnerability routine and mutual.
- you can reframe rest by scheduling a five-minute “pause for ...
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The Connection Between Perfectionism and Parental Burnout
Parenting today is increasingly shaped by perfectionist ideals and a culture of constant connectivity, leading to a cycle of exhaustion and emotional breakdown. Cassidy Freitas highlights how striving for flawlessness in parenting routines and mental habits not only drains parents but also hinders their ability to attune to their children’s needs and their own well-being.
Perfectionism in Parenting Leads To Exhaustion and Breakdown
Perfectionist parents operate with an overloaded mental calendar, where not only scheduled appointments and activities fill their days, but so do countless minor tasks and demands—such as answering obscure questions from children during car rides, responding to constant email notifications, handling camp paperwork, sending voice notes to friends, or mindlessly scrolling on their phones while waiting for coffee. Every tiny obligation is logged mentally, leaving no quiet moment unclaimed by some sort of task or obligation.
These parents find it nearly impossible to notice or savor small beauties—such as birds tweeting outside—because their inner perfectionist never allows for stillness. Pausing to take in the world or simply being present feels unsafe or wasteful; only action and optimization offer a sense of security or, perhaps, a pathway to love and acceptance. Perfectionist activation and the constant drive to achieve become the only acceptable means of feeling valued or safe, making true rest feel not just unattainable but undeserved. Over time, this relentless pace creates pervasive and debilitating exhaustion.
Perfectionism Hinders Brain's Creativity and Regulation
Freitas explains that the brain requires space and mental margins, not only to process all that has been consumed in a busy parenting day but also to access important resources like curiosity and creativity. However, intensive parenting, digital connectivity, and perfectionism combine to foster ...
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The Connection Between Perfectionism and Parental Burnout
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- "Perfectionist ideals" in parenting refer to the belief that one must parent flawlessly, meeting very high standards without mistakes. This often stems from societal pressures, social media portrayals, and internalized expectations about being an ideal parent. It manifests as constant self-criticism, over-planning, and fear of judgment from others. Parents may prioritize appearances and achievements over emotional connection and flexibility.
- "Constant connectivity" refers to the ongoing access to digital devices and online communication, such as smartphones and social media. This nonstop availability creates pressure to respond immediately to messages and notifications. For parents, it reduces opportunities for mental rest and increases stress by blurring boundaries between personal time and obligations. It also fosters a sense of always needing to be productive or available, contributing to burnout.
- An "overloaded mental calendar" refers to the constant mental tracking of not only scheduled events but also numerous small, often unplanned tasks and obligations. Unlike a regular busy schedule, which is typically external and time-bound, this mental calendar is an internal, continuous cognitive load. It leaves no mental space for rest or spontaneous moments because the mind is always occupied with planning or responding. This persistent mental engagement increases stress and reduces the ability to relax or be present.
- Perfectionism often involves setting unrealistically high standards and linking self-worth to achievement. This creates an internal pressure to constantly prove one's value through productivity. Rest feels "undeserved" because taking breaks is seen as failing to meet these standards. The mind equates rest with laziness or weakness, reinforcing guilt and anxiety.
- Perfectionism triggers stress responses that limit the brain's ability to form new connections, reducing creative thinking. It narrows focus to immediate tasks, blocking flexible problem-solving and emotional regulation. Chronic stress from perfectionism impairs the prefrontal cortex, which governs self-control and thoughtful decision-making. This leads to reactive behaviors rather than calm, intentional responses.
- Mental margins refer to having mental space or downtime free from tasks and stress, allowing the brain to rest and reset. This space is crucial for creativity because it enables the brain to form new connections and generate original ideas. For emotional regulation, mental margins help individuals process feelings calmly rather than reacting impulsively. Without these breaks, the brain becomes overwhelmed, reducing its ability to think flexibly and manage emotions effectively.
- Reactive mindsets occur when parents respond impulsively to their child's behavior without pausing to consider the underlying needs or emotions. Child defiance or emotional outbursts often trigger stress, causing parents to default to quick, automatic reactions rather than thoughtful responses. This reactivity can escalate conflicts and hinder effective communication. Developing reflective responses ...
Actionables
- you can set a daily five-minute “mental whiteboard” break where you write down every minor and major task on a piece of paper, then physically set the list aside and do nothing but observe your surroundings, helping your brain practice letting go of constant task-tracking and notice small moments of stillness.
- a practical way to disrupt perfectionist routines is to intentionally schedule a “messy moment” each week where you and your child do an activity with no plan or goal—like drawing with both hands at once or making up silly stories—so you can experience being present without optimizing or achieving. ...
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Practical Strategies For Shifting Perfectionism
Shifting Perfectionism: Pause, Return To Body, Use Self-Compassion Language
Dr. Cassidy Freitas recommends that when the intense urge for perfectionism arises, the first step should not be to add another task or coping mechanism to one’s to-do list, but to pause and reconnect to the body. Cassidy illustrates this by placing her hand on her chest, noting that this physical gesture brings her out of her swirling thoughts and grounds her. Becky Kennedy shares a similar practice of putting her hand over her heart, tapping it gently, and repeating to herself, “I’m here, I’m here.” Both approaches foster a return to the present through breath and touch, helping to settle the nervous system.
This pause is an opportunity to choose compassion instead of criticism. Kennedy describes talking to herself with phrases like “Of course, of course you feel this,” which validates her feelings in the way a compassionate adult would recognize a child’s emotions as real and understandable. Cassidy reinforces the importance of such language, noting that just as a child needs someone to say, “these feelings are real, you are real,” the inner child within every adult needs the same. By tuning into these needs and responding kindly, individuals can harmonize their emotional and cognitive selves and provide internal reassurance. This pause allows for new choices and responses rather than defaulting to automatic perfectionistic patterns.
Shifting From Drill Sergeant to Compassionate Advisor
Becky Kennedy identifies the internal “drill sergeant” voice that drives productivity through rigidity and obligation, describing herself as having been “very rigid, very drill Sergeant D” at times. She emphasizes the power of maintaining motivation and ambition (“the edge”) while evolving the tone of decision-making from harshness to compassion. This shift transforms the productive drive without diminishing it; instead, it creates a process that feels better and is more effective.
Cultivating a compassionate inner voice based on values and intentional choice helps redirect productivity from obligation-driven to values-aligned actions. Kennedy gives a practical example from her parenting: instead of a rigid to-do list, she encourages her child to consider, “How can I take care of my tomorrow self?” This reframing of tasks—turning obligation into care—models for children how to align motivation with self-compassion, influencing their feelings as well as providing a template for their neural decision-making and self-talk.
Creating Margin and Space Is Essential, Not Selfish, Allowing Parents to Show Up More Effectively For Their Children and Themselves
Cassidy notes that creating margin or space is essential for parents, not selfish. Margin is the room to breathe, to notice, and to make conscious choices, rather than reacting automatically out of fear or shame. Taking a pause—a beat between a trigger and a response—gives parents ...
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Practical Strategies For Shifting Perfectionism
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While pausing and reconnecting to the body can be helpful for some, others may find these techniques insufficient for managing deeply ingrained perfectionistic tendencies, especially if those tendencies are rooted in trauma or mental health conditions that require more intensive intervention.
- Physical gestures like placing a hand on the chest may not resonate with everyone and could feel artificial or ineffective for individuals who are less comfortable with somatic practices.
- Self-compassionate language, while beneficial, may not be easily accessible to individuals who have internalized harsh self-criticism over many years; for some, professional guidance may be necessary to develop this skill.
- The suggestion to shift from a “drill sergeant” voice to a compassionate advisor may not address external pressures or systemic factors (such as workplace demands or cultural expectations) that reinforce perfectionism and productivity through rigidity.
- Creating margin and space for self-care may not be feasible for all parents, particularly those with limited resources, single parents, or those facing significant socioeconomic stressors.
- The emphasis on self-care and pausing could be interpreted as placing the burden of change solely on ind ...
Actionables
- you can create a daily “future self note” by writing a short message each morning to your future self about one thing you’ll do today to make tomorrow easier or kinder for yourself, such as prepping a snack, setting out clothes, or scheduling a break, then check in the next day to see how it felt to receive that care
- This builds a habit of reframing tasks as acts of self-care and strengthens your connection to your future self.
- a practical way to shift your internal tone is to record two versions of your self-talk on your phone: one in your usual critical voice and one in a deliberately gentle, encouraging tone, then listen to both and notice how your body and motivation respond
- This helps you recognize the impact of your inner voice and practice choosing a more compassionate advisor approach.
- you can set a recurring “margi ...
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Importance Of Modeling Imperfection and Repair For Children
Children Learn From Parents' Mistakes, Temper, and Sincere Apologies, Showing Imperfection Is Survivable and Relationships Endure Conflict
Cassidy Freitas shares a story about losing her temper with her son, raising her voice, and expressing her frustration. Her son joked that she would soon be saying the "S word," referring to "sorry." Freitas realizes her son expected an apology because she consistently models repair by apologizing when she makes mistakes. This repeated experience teaches him that relationships can endure conflict and that imperfections are survivable. Freitas takes pride in the fact that her son knows, at a bodily level, that she will repair rifts, reflecting the value of sincere apologies and accountability in parenting.
Parenting Mistakes: Opportunities For Repair and Growth
When parents inevitably make mistakes, such as losing their temper, these moments present valuable opportunities for repair and growth rather than shame or failure. Freitas emphasizes she says sorry many times a day, showing her children that messing up isn’t the end—it’s a part of being human and a chance to practice accountability.
A Child Learning Repair and Apology Knows the Relationship Is Safe
Freitas’ experience shows that when children regularly see a parent own up to mistakes and make amends, they learn that the relationship is fundamentally safe and not threatened by imperfections. Knowing they can trust in the reassurance of repair helps children feel secure and attached.
Modeling Repair Is More Valuable Than a Perpetually Calm Parent, Teaching Children Imperfection, Accountability, and Recovery From Failure
Freitas stresses that children benefit more from seeing their parents model repair after conflict than from having parents who never show cracks. Modeling vulnerability, apology, and making amends teaches children about imperfection, accountability, and how to bounce back after failure.
Allowing Children to See a Parent's Struggles and Boundaries Teaches They Don't Need to Be Perfect to Be Lovable
Freitas openly admits that she dislikes certain aspects of motherhood, such as doing crafts, and that this honesty models authenticity for her children rather than performance. She expresses that it’s okay not to like everything related to parenting and to acknowledge that messiness is part of family life. This transparency teaches children that they don’t need to perform or be perfect to be enough or worthy of love.
Admitting Dislike For Crafts Teaches Children Authenticity Over Performance
By sharing openly with her children that she doesn’t like crafts, Freitas demonstrates that it’s acceptable to have personal preferences and boundaries. This models for children the value of being authentic rather than feeling compelled to perform for others’ approval.
Parents Living Values Inspire Authenticity in Children
When parents live their values and are honest about their preferences and emotions, they encourage children to do the same. This inspires children to embrace authenticity and self-expression rather than contort themselves to meet external expectations.
Perfectionistic Parents Make Children Believe Worth Is Tied To Performance, Stifling Self-Expression and Boundaries
Fr ...
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Importance Of Modeling Imperfection and Repair For Children
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Counterarguments
- While modeling imperfection and repair can be valuable, some research suggests that frequent parental outbursts or repeated mistakes, even with apologies, may still negatively impact a child's sense of security or emotional regulation.
- In some cultures or family systems, maintaining parental authority and composure is highly valued, and frequent apologies from parents may be interpreted as undermining parental authority or stability.
- Children may benefit from seeing parents strive for self-regulation and emotional control, as this models important coping skills and emotional resilience.
- There is a risk that overemphasizing parental imperfection could inadvertently normalize or excuse repeated negative behaviors, rather than encouraging genuine growth or change.
- Some children may interpret frequent parental admissions of dislike or struggle as a lack of parental investment or enthusiasm, which could affect their own sense of being valued.
- Not all children respond the same way to parental vulnerability; some may feel anxious or ins ...
Actionables
- you can create a family “oops and repair” jar where everyone, including you, anonymously writes down a recent mistake and how they tried to make amends, then read and discuss a few together each week to normalize imperfection and repair as a shared family value
- This helps everyone see that mistakes are common and repair is expected, not shameful. For example, you might write, “I forgot to pick up groceries and apologized to everyone for the late dinner,” and your child might write, “I yelled at my sibling and gave them a hug after.”
- a practical way to model authenticity is to occasionally narrate your real-time preferences and boundaries out loud, especially when you’re tempted to hide them, so your child hears you express what you like, dislike, or need without apology
- For instance, say, “I’m feeling tired, so I’m going to sit and watch instead of joining the game,” or “I don’t enjoy crafts, but I love seeing what you make.” This shows your child that it’s safe to be honest about their own needs and limits.
- you c ...
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