The False Choice Between Ignorance and Mastery Hinders Effective Parenting

"Nobody knows what they're doing" is a phrase parents often use to comfort themselves, usually after a rough parenting moment or in shared commiseration. While it can provide relief, it can also create doubt, making parents wonder whether some people really do have things figured out—especially when observing other parents navigating difficult moments with apparent ease.

Dr. Becky Kennedy clarifies that it’s not accurate to believe nobody ever knows what they're doing, nor is it true that anyone always does. She dislikes the term “parenting expert,” associating it with having finished learning, and instead values continually learning and adapting. Kennedy stresses that both the idea that "nobody knows what they're doing" and its opposite—that "somebody always knows"—are equally unhelpful.

Uncertainty Hinders Parents From Developing Skills and Strategies

If parents believe nobody knows what they're doing, they might excuse their own struggles without striving for better, justifying negative behaviors. Conversely, believing that some parents have everything figured out breeds shame and discourages honest reflection.

Extremes Stifle Curiosity, the Bridge From Ignorance to Competence

Both extremes—ignorance or supposed mastery—suppress curiosity. Kennedy notes that curiosity is impossible if one believes they've reached either endpoint. Instead, she advocates for holding a space between these extremes, where learning is ongoing and curiosity is embraced.

Curiosity Helps Parents Handle Challenges

Practicing curiosity transforms parenting from a rigid state of ignorance or perfection to an ongoing process of understanding and adaptation. Instead of labeling children with judgments like “bad” or “spoiled,” Kennedy encourages parents to ask, “What is happening?” This shift in perspective leads to more constructive solutions.

Curiosity also means extending the same generosity parents use with their children to themselves. Myleik Teele shares that she learned to move past self-blame, instead getting curious: “Why did I do that?” or, when her child is upset, investigating the reasons rather than defaulting to judgment about herself or her child. For example, rather than assuming her son’s outburst was ...

Behavior Signals Deeper Issues

Becky Kennedy uses the analogy of a tennis coach observing a player who repeatedly hits the ball into the net. While telling the player to stop provides observable feedback, a good coach investigates further, asking if the grip, body position, or psychological pressure is at the root of the problem. Kennedy likens this to parenting: when a child's behavior signals frustration, such as throwing a tablet or ruining a puzzle, it is only a clue—not the whole story. Parents often see behavior and assume they fully understand their child, but the underlying emotions, wishes, and fears are not visible. True understanding requires looking beyond the surface actions to what drives them internally.

Kennedy shares that when her youngest son ruined the family puzzle, it was not simply an act of destruction. Her son sees himself as capable, so being unable to participate was painful. His action was an attempt to erase the uncomfortable feeling of not being included or able to contribute. Observable behaviors like stealing puzzle pieces or acting out are symptoms, not root causes. If parents move past surface judgments, recognizing that their child may feel overwhelmed, pressured, or left out, they can respond more effectively.

Understanding Behavior Helps Parents Identify Issues and Develop Effective Interventions

Kennedy describes the importance of interpreting behavior generously. A curious parent, rather than labeling a child as bad or destructive, tries to understand the feeling behind the action. For example, after her son ruined the puzzle, Kennedy considered his desire to feel capable and asked what could be done to address that need. This process, she explains, is ongoing and requires practice—a muscle parents must flex repeatedly.

Skipping curiosity leads to addressing the symptoms instead of solving the problem. If parents simply react without investigating, interventions will not target the actual issue. Kennedy emphasizes that true problem-solving begins with curiosity, whether it’s recognizing a child was overwhelmed in a public space or realizing parental distraction contributed to frustration. Effective interventions require understanding the context and triggers beneath observable behavior.

Using the Behavior-Decoding Framework Aids Parents In Compassionately Understanding Reactive Moments

Kennedy also applies this framework to parent ...

Curiosity Is a Muscle Developed Through Practice and Isn't Perfect Every Time

Becky Kennedy emphasizes that curiosity is a skill developed through intentional, repeated practice. Parents may lose their sense of curiosity and react impulsively in stressful situations, but returning to curiosity each time strengthens this “muscle.” Practicing curiosity is a process undertaken many times a day; what matters is the willingness to keep trying after setbacks. Consistent curiosity, even if only applied 20% to 70% of the time, is enough to drive meaningful progress in both parent and child.

Kennedy also articulates that curiosity in parenting doesn’t demand perfection. When parents are willing to be curious about difficult moments—such as feeling the urge to yell at a child—they shape their responses in better ways, even if only some of the time. The goal is incremental improvement: to increase parental use of curiosity, especially during challenging times.

Curiosity Practice Helps Parents Handle Challenges With Steadiness, Not Reactivity

Consistent curiosity transforms how parents respond to challenges. Curious parenting anticipates predictable triggers—like chaotic moments before a vacation—and allows parents to prepare more considered responses. Myleik Teele shares a personal example: aware that the first minutes in a hotel room are difficult, she has her kids put swimsuits in their backpacks so they can start changing independently, giving her a chance to catch her breath rather than react with frustration or yelling.

Over time, experience and curiosity enable parents to develop more informed, calm strategies for handling common stressors. Parents can address meltdowns or difficult transitions with calm firmness, avoiding both harsh punishment and permissiveness. The repeated practice of curiosity leads to steadier, more thoughtful responses.

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Parental Stress: Judgment, Meltdowns, and Misbehavior

Myleik Teele recounts the intense pressure she feels when her child acts out in public, convinced that all eyes are on her, demanding proof that she disapproves of the behavior. This anxiety triggers a response in which she reacts harshly or performatively, huffing, loudly displaying frustration, or exaggerating how she manages her child’s misbehavior. Sometimes, she finds herself engaging in unnecessary tasks, like picking up her child, moving him to the side, or making visible choices such as ordering pizza to demonstrate control—not just for her child, but for the watching audience.

Teele explains that parents often over-apologize to onlookers, acting as though they should be ashamed of their child’s natural, difficult moments. Instead of calmly addressing the situation, they focus on proving to everyone else that they aren’t permissive or inattentive, which adds to the stress and often escalates the situation rather than meeting the child’s needs effectively.

"Staying 'Sturdy' Means Calmly Responding To the Child's Behavior Without Worrying About Others' Perceptions."

Becky Kennedy highlights the power and effectiveness of remaining “sturdy” as a parent—responding calmly rather than reacting out of anxiety over others’ judgments. In one public incident, Teele’s son becomes upset over a misunderstanding about a line at school, yells at her, and smacks her leg. Instead of escalating or drawing more attention, Teele simply and firmly says, “no, thank you. Do not do that,” and continues with the task at hand. She doesn’t pause for an elaborate explanation or lecture, nor does she deliver a dramatic response to prove her parenting credentials to the surrounding adults.

Kennedy points out that this steady, matter-of-fact response is what demonstrates real parental control: setting boundaries clearly, without excessive explanation or drama. By choosing to do less in the heat of the moment, parents can maintain authority and dignity while avoiding performative parenting. Kennedy and Teele both agree that the moments parents later feel proud of are often those in which they resisted the urge to overreact for the sake of an audience and simply handled the situation in a grounded, composed way.

Parents who intuitively recognize when not to lecture in the moment, who avoid turning every infraction into a spectacle, end up maintaining healthy boundaries and moving forward without shaming their children or themselves. This approach also keeps the parent-child relationship strong and founded on mutual respect and trust.

Delay Immediate Addressing for Constructive Resolution Later

When a child’s misbehavior occurs in a public setting—such as a child hitting a parent—Teele and Kennedy emphasize the importance of ...

Through repeated, steady, and curious responses from parents, children learn to develop emotional regulation and self-reflection. Parental practice and consistency, even in imperfect journeys, lead to children internalizing emotional skills and frameworks, ultimately managing their feelings more effectively.

Children With a Parent's Steady, Curious Responses Develop Emotional Regulation and Self-Reflection

When parents approach their children’s challenges with consistent curiosity, it creates a framework for emotional growth. Becky Kennedy points out that children who see this modeled learn to reflect on unmet expectations, shifting from emotional meltdowns to thoughtful self-reflection. For example, Myleik Teele describes her son, who now says, “Oh, I wasn’t expecting that,” multiple times a day—whether it’s opening a pizza box or encountering a crunchy apple. Previously, such surprises may have led to outbursts, but through practice, he now simply observes and verbalizes his reaction, possessing the language and capacity to manage his feelings.

This progress didn’t come naturally or easily; it is the result of years of the parent’s willingness to show up, be present, and respond with curiosity even when faced with a child’s toughest moments. Kennedy emphasizes that a child’s ability to gain self-regulation and to name and manage feelings develops through such repeated and intentional practice, not through perfection. Over time, as parents react less with drama and more with steady boundaries, children internalize these approaches and begin to use the same tools for themselves and even with others.

Pride In Handling Tough Moments Comes From Practice and Understanding, Not Talent or Instinct

After thoughtful consideration and ongoing practice, a parent can eventually feel, “I know what I am doing.” Becky Kennedy describes the competence she feels in difficult moments, like the first minutes of checking into a hotel with children, not as an innate skill but as the result of accumulated experience and self-reflection. Myleik Teele highlights her growth in handling her child’s public meltdowns—not by lecturing or performing for bystanders, but by calmly and confidently applying what she knows works, setting boundaries with minimal explanation or drama. These proud moments result from repeated effort, self-study, and rehearsing better responses, not natural instinct or talent.

Impactful Moment: A Child Using Parental Frameworks For ...