When Life Has Other Plans with Maya Shankar
In this episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky, Dr. Kennedy and guest Maya Shankar examine why humans find change so challenging and how it affects our sense of identity. They explore research showing that people often prefer known negative outcomes over uncertainty, and discuss how this preference can lead to counterproductive attempts to control situations in our lives.
Through personal stories and expert insights, they break down practical strategies for handling major life transitions. The conversation covers how identifying core motivations can provide stability during changes, the importance of viewing ourselves as adaptable rather than fixed, and the role of self-compassion when facing circumstances beyond our control. Their discussion offers perspective on how changes, while often difficult, can lead to personal growth and new capabilities.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Dec 30, 2025 episode of the Good Inside with Dr. Becky
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1-Page Summary
Psychology of Change: Why It Feels Difficult
Experts Maya Shankar and Becky Kennedy explore the psychological complexities of change and why it often feels overwhelming. They explain that our brains are particularly averse to uncertainty, with Shankar citing research showing people prefer a guaranteed negative outcome over uncertainty. Kennedy adds that this discomfort with uncertainty can lead to excessive attempts to control situations, which paradoxically increases anxiety.
The Impact of Change on Identity and Self-Perception
Through personal experiences, Shankar illustrates how profound changes can shake our sense of identity. She shares how a career-ending hand injury as a violinist led to an identity crisis, revealing how deeply our roles can become intertwined with our self-perception. Both experts emphasize that people often view themselves as "finished products," underestimating their capacity for future change. Kennedy suggests that reimagining oneself as fluid rather than static can facilitate personal growth during times of change.
Strategies For Coping With and Growing Through Change
The experts offer practical approaches to navigating change successfully. Shankar emphasizes the importance of identifying the "why" behind our actions, explaining that understanding our core motivations provides stability during transitions. She shares the story of Michelle, whose mother found new ways to express love when illness prevented her from cooking, demonstrating how focusing on underlying motivations can help adapt to change.
Both experts stress the importance of self-compassion during change. Shankar acknowledges that many changes are beyond our control, yet we often blame ourselves unnecessarily. She emphasizes that while change can be intimidating, it often leads to unexpected personal growth and the discovery of new capabilities. Kennedy adds that maintaining hope and believing in our adaptability is crucial for successfully navigating change.
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Counterarguments
- While uncertainty is often uncomfortable, some individuals thrive in uncertain situations and may find them exciting rather than anxiety-inducing.
- The preference for negative certainty over uncertainty may not be universal; some people may choose uncertainty as it holds the potential for positive outcomes.
- The concept of identity is complex, and not everyone experiences profound identity crises in the face of change; some may find change to be an opportunity for exploration and self-discovery.
- The idea that people view themselves as "finished products" may not apply to everyone; many individuals and cultures embrace the concept of lifelong learning and continuous personal evolution.
- The strategies for coping with change, such as identifying core motivations, may not be effective for everyone; some individuals may require different approaches or support systems to navigate change.
- The emphasis on self-compassion and adaptability might overlook the structural and systemic barriers that can impede an individual's ability to cope with or adapt to change.
- The narrative that change often leads to personal growth can be overly optimistic, as some changes may result in negative outcomes or chronic stress that do not necessarily lead to the discovery of new capabilities.
- The encouragement to maintain hope and belief in one's adaptability might not acknowledge the full emotional spectrum and the validity of feelings like grief or loss that can accompany change.
Actionables
- You can create a "Change Adaptability Journal" where you document daily instances of uncertainty and your reactions to them. This practice will help you become more aware of your discomfort with uncertainty and identify patterns in your behavior. For example, if you notice you're trying to control outcomes in situations at work, you might write about alternative responses that embrace uncertainty, like allowing a colleague to lead a project.
- Develop a "Future Self Visualization" routine where you spend a few minutes each day imagining your future self successfully handling a change or transition. This could involve picturing yourself learning a new skill, adapting to a new role at work, or even moving to a new city. The key is to visualize the process of change positively, reinforcing the belief in your ability to grow and adapt.
- Start a "Motivation Anchor" habit by choosing a daily activity, like brushing your teeth or having your morning coffee, during which you reflect on your core motivations. Use this time to remind yourself why you're pursuing your goals and how they align with your values, which can provide stability during times of change. For instance, if you're motivated by personal growth, remind yourself each morning that the day's challenges are opportunities to learn and develop.
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Psychology of Change: Why It Feels Difficult
Experts Maya Shankar and Becky Kennedy explain why change often feels overwhelming and stress the importance of understanding the psychology behind our reactions to change.
Change Brings Uncertainty, Which Our Brains Dislike
Change is inherently accompanied by uncertainty, and our brains have a strong preference for certainty.
Uncertainty Causes More Stress Than Undesirable Certainty
Both Shankar and Kennedy point out that the brain is stressed by uncertainty. Shankar highlights research showing that people are more stressed by a 50% chance of an electric shock than a sure 100% chance. This suggests that the brain finds certainty less stressful than uncertainty, even when the certainty is negative.
Change Threatens Our Sense of Identity and Control
Change can be disorienting and unsettling, posing threats to our sense of identity and our belief in our ability to control our lives.
Unexpected Change Shatters Illusion of Control
Shankar discusses how unexpected change disorients us and undermines our sense of control. Similarly, Kennedy illustrates that an undiagnosed medical issue in a child can create more fear and discomfort than facing a clear problem, due to the ambiguity of the situation.
Overestimating Control; Change Reveals Limitations
Kennedy talks about how trying to reduce uncertainty in her equation for anxiety can be helpful, but also warns that there's a point where over-hustling to reduce uncertainty becomes futile and actually inc ...
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Psychology of Change: Why It Feels Difficult
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Clarifications
- The brain prefers certainty because it reduces the activation of the amygdala, the area responsible for processing fear and anxiety. Uncertainty triggers heightened activity in this region, causing stress and discomfort. Additionally, the brain's reward system favors predictable outcomes, which feel safer and more manageable. This neurological response evolved to help humans avoid potential threats and maintain stability.
- The research refers to studies in neuroscience and psychology showing that uncertainty activates brain regions linked to anxiety more than certain negative outcomes. This is because the brain expends more energy predicting and preparing for multiple possible outcomes when the result is uncertain. The anticipation of an unpredictable event, like a 50% chance of shock, triggers stronger stress responses than knowing a negative event will definitely occur. This phenomenon highlights why uncertainty itself can be more distressing than a known negative experience.
- The "illusion of control" is a psychological concept where people believe they have more influence over events than they actually do. It helps individuals feel safer and more confident by creating a sense of predictability. When change occurs unexpectedly, this illusion is shattered, causing discomfort and stress. Recognizing this can help people accept uncertainty and reduce anxiety during change.
- "Over-hustling" means trying too hard to control or fix uncertain situations. This excessive effort can backfire because it creates pressure and unrealistic expectations. When control feels impossible, the frustration and helplessness grow, increasing anxiety. Accepting some uncertainty helps reduce stress by easing the need for constant control.
- Ambiguous situations cause more fear because the brain struggles to predict outcomes without clear information. This uncertainty triggers heightened anxiety as the mind imagines worst-case scenarios. Clear problems allow for specific actions, reducing stress by providing a sense of control. Without a defined is ...
Counterarguments
- While uncertainty can be stressful, some individuals thrive in uncertain situations, finding them stimulating and an opportunity for creativity and growth.
- The idea that the brain prefers certainty may be too simplistic, as humans often seek out novel experiences and challenges, which involve uncertainty.
- The assertion that people are more stressed by a 50% chance of a negative event than a 100% chance might not hold true for everyone, as some may prefer the possibility of avoiding the negative event altogether.
- Change can also be an opportunity to strengthen one's sense of identity and adaptability, rather than just posing a threat.
- Some individuals may find that unexpected change provides a valuable lesson in flexibility and resilience, rather than merely shattering the illusion of control.
- Ambiguity in situations like undiagnosed medical issues can sometimes lead to a more cautious and thorough approach to problem-solving, which can be beneficial.
- Overestimating control isn't always negative; for some, it can be a motivating factor that drives them to find solutions and take proactive steps.
- The notion that excessive control increases anxiety might not apply to everyone; some people may find comfort and reduced anxiety in ta ...
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The Impact of Change on Identity and Self-Perception
Discussions with Maya Shankar and Beck Kennedy reveal how profound change can impact our identity and self-perception, and offer insights into enhancing adaptability and resilience.
Identity Defined by Actions, Not Reasons
Losing an Important Role Can Feel Like Losing Oneself
Maya Shankar shares a personal anecdote revealing that change, especially involving unexpected shifts in the roles individuals occupy, can lead to a sense of identity loss. After a hand injury prematurely ended her violin career, Shankar realized her identity was deeply intertwined with being a violinist, and the grief she felt was as much for her sense of self as it was for the music.
Redefining Identity Around Core Values Enhances Adaptability
Adapting to change can be facilitated by redefining one's identity around core values, rather than specific roles or accomplishments. This approach is suggested to enhance one's ability to navigate change.
We Underestimate Our Change With Life's External Changes
We Often See Ourselves As a "Finished Product"
Maya Shankar introduces the concept of the "end of history illusion," where despite recognizing past changes, people tend to view their current selves as a finalized state unlikely to undergo future transformation. This belief leads many to underestimate their potential to evolve with life's changes.
Change Accelerates Transformation and Reveals Capabilities
Reimagining oneself as moving fluidly with change rather than being static allows for personal growth and the revelation of new capabilities. Beck Kennedy expresses enthusiasm for the idea that individuals transform alongside external changes, recognizing that change is more than an obstacle; it is an opportunity for self-reinvention.
Change Can Threaten Self-Worth, but Rediscovering Diverse Identities Builds Resilience
Neglecting Other Roles and Values By Over-Focusing On one Identity
Shankar points out the risks of hingeing self-worth on a singular aspec ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
The Impact of Change on Identity and Self-Perception
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- The "end of history illusion" is a psychological phenomenon where people believe they have changed a lot in the past but will not change much in the future. This bias causes individuals to underestimate how much they will grow or evolve over time. It affects decision-making by making people less open to future personal development. The term was coined from research showing this consistent pattern across different ages.
- "Identity defined by actions, not reasons" means that who we are is shaped more by what we do—our behaviors and roles—than by the explanations or justifications we give for those actions. Actions are the tangible activities and roles we engage in daily, while reasons are the internal motives or beliefs behind them. This concept highlights that losing a role (an action) can feel like losing part of oneself, regardless of the reasons behind it. It suggests focusing on core values rather than specific actions to maintain a stable sense of identity.
- Core values are fundamental beliefs that guide behavior and decision-making. They form the stable foundation of identity beyond changing roles or achievements. For example, honesty or compassion can define who a person is regardless of their job or status. Focusing on core values helps maintain a consistent sense of self during life changes.
- "Hingeing self-worth on a singular aspect of one's identity" means basing how much you value yourself entirely on one part of who you are, like a job or role. This can be risky because if that part changes or is lost, it can deeply hurt your self-esteem. People have many different roles and qualities that make up their identity, so relying on just one limits resilience. Expanding self-worth across multiple aspects helps maintain stability during change.
- Restoring wholeness through unchanging diverse identities means recognizing multiple aspects of yourself that remain stable despite change. For example, if you lose a job, you can still identify as a caring friend, a creative thinker, or a lifelong learner. These stable identities provide emotional support and a sense of continuity. Focusing on them helps rebuild confidence and resilience after loss.
- The gratitude exercise helps shift focus from loss to appreciation of what remains. It encourages recognizing positive aspects and strengths that persist despite change. This practice supports emotional resilience by reinforcing a stable sense of self. It also fosters a mindset of abundance rather than scarcity during difficult transitions.
- Roles are the specific positions or functions a person holds, like being a violinist or a parent. Values are the fundamental beliefs and principles that guide behavior, such as honesty or compassion. Identities are the broader sense of self shaped by both roles and values, encompassing how individuals see and define themselves. Shifting focus from roles to core values helps maintain a stable identity during change.
- Self-reinvention involves ...
Counterarguments
- While redefining identity around core values can enhance adaptability, it may not be a feasible strategy for everyone, as some individuals may struggle to identify or articulate their core values.
- The concept of a "finished product" might not necessarily be an illusion for everyone; some individuals may experience periods of stability in their identity that feel complete and unchanging.
- Viewing oneself as fluid can be beneficial, but it might also lead to a lack of commitment to certain roles or responsibilities if taken to an extreme.
- Change as an opportunity for self-reinvention is a positive perspective, but it can also be a source of stress and anxiety for those who find comfort in stability and predictability.
- Over-focusing on a single identity can be a conscious choice that brings depth and expertise in that area, which might be undervalued when advocating for a more diversified self-perception.
- While maintaining a balanced self-perception is generally beneficial, some individuals may thrive by deeply investing in a singular aspect of their identity, such as a career or personal talent.
- Seeking internal qualities through alternative avenues after a loss can be challenging, ...
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Strategies For Coping With and Growing Through Change
Understanding how to navigate and thrive amidst change is essential, with insights from Shankar and Kennedy guiding us through identifying our core motivations and practicing self-compassion.
Identify Your "why": Purpose Behind Actions Provides Stability
Maya Shankar's exploration of change highlights the importance of identifying the "why" — the reasons and purpose behind actions — suggesting that this focus can provide stability during turbulent times. Shankar realized that understanding the "why" behind her actions, whether it was human connection that drove her as a violinist or a mother, provided a more stable identity than the labels themselves. This realization helped her adapt to various life changes.
For example, Michelle's story indicates the power of understanding one's "why." After Michelle's mother lost the ability to cook due to illness, they discovered that her core motivation was expressing love through cooking. They brainstormed alternative ways for her to show love, which helped her adapt to her changed capabilities.
Focus On "why" Over Activity to Adapt
Becky Kennedy emphasizes the importance of focusing on the internal motivations behind activities or roles. Asking oneself the right questions can uncover core internal needs and values, which allows one to adapt by finding new ways to meet those needs, even if the alternatives are not perfect.
New Outlets Ease Transition Expressing Core Values and Needs
Both Kennedy and Shankar believe in the promise of finding new outlets for expressing one's core values and needs during transition. Shankar, for instance, explored other avenues like creating a podcast and writing to fulfill her need for human connection when playing the violin was no longer an option.
Self-Compassion Is Key; We Blame Ourselves too Much For Change Difficulties
Dealing with changes such as fertility issues can lead to feelings of helplessness and a loss of control. Shankar recognized that in such scenarios, no amount of will translates into guaranteed success. She also addresses the internal locus of control that leads people to take undue blame for circumstances beyond their control. Adding to this, Kennedy acknowledges the tendency to blame oneself for the difficulties associated with change.
Change Isn’t Our Fault, yet We Embrace Its Challenges
Shankar's book was born from her desire for tools and techniques to cope with the helplessness felt during personal crises. The book is intended as a guide, helping readers ask the right questions and cope with change more effectively.
Recognizing Limitations and Complex Factors Can Foster Self-Acceptance
Acknowledge the difficulty of a situation while still maintaining the be ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Strategies For Coping With and Growing Through Change
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While identifying the "why" behind actions can provide stability, it may not always be possible or clear, and some individuals may find stability in routines or external structures rather than internal motivations.
- Focusing solely on internal motivations might overlook the importance of context and external factors that significantly impact one's ability to adapt to change.
- The concept of finding new outlets for expression assumes that individuals have the resources, time, and energy to explore and develop these outlets, which may not be the case for everyone.
- Self-compassion is important, but excessive self-compassion without accountability can prevent individuals from learning from their mistakes and growing.
- The idea that change isn't our fault might oversimplify situations where an individual's choices have contributed to the need for change.
- Emphasizing adaptability and growth can inadvertently pressure individuals to feel they must always cope well with change, potentially invalidating the experiences of those who struggle significantly with change.
- The notion that change leads to personal growth may not hold true for all changes or for all people, as some changes can have lasting negative effects.
- The belief in inherent adaptability may not account for the varying degrees of resilience among individuals, influence ...
Actionables
- Create a personal "why" statement to anchor your decisions by reflecting on past choices that brought you joy and fulfillment, then write a concise statement that captures the underlying motivation. For example, if volunteering made you happy, your "why" might be "to empower and uplift others."
- Develop a self-compassion journal where you write down one thing that didn't go as planned each day and follow it with three factors outside your control that contributed to the outcome. This practice helps you recognize external influences and fosters self-acceptance.
- Start a "Change Adaptability" log w ...
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