Helping Kids Through Loss with Grief Expert David Kessler

David Kessler's career path in studying and understanding grief was profoundly shaped by his own personal encounters with loss.

Grief Shaped David Kessler's Career Path

Early Experiences Left Kessler Seeking Understanding and Healing Through Work in Grief and Loss

David Kessler’s interest in grief and loss was a consequence of his personal history, having faced an early life marked by significant loss. Kessler's formative years were marred by neglect, sexual abuse, and addiction. At just 13, he experienced acute trauma — the dying of his mother coincided with her staying in a hotel where a fire and shooting occurred, marking one of the first mass shootings in U.S. history. These events left Kessler feeling damaged and led to his dropping out of school and roaming the streets. It was only when a neighbor encouraged him to challenge his high school diploma that Kessler found a route back into education.

From that point on, Kessler explored the realms of grief and loss, initially seeking self-healing after his traumatic experiences and never anticipating that this journey would transform into his life's work.

Kessler Grieved Losing His Son To Addiction

Kessler Was Paralyzed by Overwhelming Parental Grief

Later in his life, Kessler was struck by a devastating loss. He had adopted two sons from the LA County adoption foster care system, and despite his best efforts to provide them with great childhoods, his younger son was haunted by past demons and ultimately passed away at 21 years old after battling addiction.

Kessler recounts the shock and paralysis the overwhelming grief brought upon him at the loss of his son. He found it difficult to co ...

In an effort to better understand how children cope with loss, David Kessler and Becky Kennedy explain the unique ways in which children experience and interpret grief.

Children's Unique "Puddle Jumping" Approach to Grief

David Kessler likens children's reactions to grief as "puddle jumping," implying they rapidly transition through intense emotions without remaining in them. Children may experience deep pain at one moment and then want to play the next, a concept that Kessler himself encountered in his youth, feeling isolated but not persistently in grief. This behavior can be confusing for adults, who often experience grief in a more sustained manner.

Adults Struggle to Understand Children's Natural Grieving Style

Kessler suggests that adults may misinterpret or project their own perspectives onto a grieving child's behavior. For instance, he recalls feeling embarrassed rather than comforted when a teacher acknowledged his mother's death, indicating that children may process attention to their grief differently than adults expect.

Children May Misinterpret Loss and Death

Miscommunications may occur when adults use euphemisms or incomplete explanations about death. For example, saying "Grandma's gone to live somewhere else," can breed confusion and anxiety in children, as it fails to accurately present the concept of loss. Kessler and Kennedy emphasize the need for honesty when explaining death to children to prevent misunderstandings.

Children May Blame Themselves Due to "Magical Thinking" About a Parent's Death

Kessler points out that children may believe they could have prevented a parent's death through "magical thinking," falsely perceiving that they hold some control over such events. Without appropriate guidance from a trusted adult, children might unduly blame themselves for the death of a loved one. Kennedy highlights the importance of a safe adult in helping a child make sense of loss to avoid self-blame.

Becky Kennedy talks about a classroom experience involving the death of a class pe ...

Leading with love and understanding, experts Becky Kennedy and David Kessler offer advice on how to support children through the process of grief, underscoring the importance of honesty and the opportunity for active participation in mourning rituals.

Prepare Children For Loss and Model Healthy Grieving

Becky Kennedy and David Kessler agree that honesty is key when communicating with children about death, and they emphasize the importance of preparing children for what they might experience during funerary events.

Explain What a Funeral Is and Its Importance Instead Of Asking if the Child Wants to Attend

Kennedy advocates for explaining to children what a funeral entails and framing it as a significant event to express love and remembrance. Kessler advises not to ask whether they want to attend the funeral but to treat it as a teaching moment. He explains that saying no may reflect a child's wish to deny the reality of death, not a desire to skip the event. Kessler warns that children might later regret missing such an important moment of farewell.

Kennedy also notes that funerals can be a way to make something abstract, like death, more concrete for children. She adds that while funerals are important, they might not be the right choice for some families. Kessler recommends introducing children to elements like graveyards and caskets before they experience a personal loss to help them understand what these entail.

Create Space For Children to Express Grief

Experts Kennedy and Kessler discuss the necessity of creating a supportive environment where children can mourn and process their feelings without the expectation of "moving on" quickly.

Encourage Children to Share Feelings, Not Fix or Distract From Pain

Kennedy observes that while you cannot change the reality of loss, you can change whether a child feels alone in their grief. She insists on being present with grieving children and not attempting to fix their grief. Kessler touches on the fact that feeling guil ...