Can We Really “Have it All”?
In this episode of Good Inside, Dr. Becky Kennedy and economist Corinne Low examine the modern challenges women face in balancing professional and domestic responsibilities. They discuss how women's careers have evolved to include longer working hours, while their household responsibilities have not decreased—and in some areas, such as childcare, have actually doubled compared to previous generations.
The conversation explores practical strategies for managing these competing demands. Kennedy and Low address the unrealistic nature of "having it all" and offer actionable approaches for time management, including treating household partnerships like co-CEO relationships and reconsidering which tasks truly deserve attention. They also discuss the importance of identifying personal values and setting boundaries to maintain well-being while juggling multiple roles.
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1-Page Summary
Changing Landscape of Women's Work and Household Responsibilities
Women's professional and domestic responsibilities are evolving significantly. According to Corinne Low, many women now work 50-60 hour weeks in demanding careers. Despite this shift, Becky Kennedy notes that men's contribution to housework remains unchanged since the 1970s. Low also points out that modern parents, especially mothers, spend twice as much time with their children compared to previous generations.
Challenges Of "Having It All" and the Myth
Becky Kennedy and Corinne Low discuss the unrealistic nature of "having it all." Kennedy highlights the impossible standard set for women to excel simultaneously as parents, partners, professionals, and homemakers. Low illustrates this challenge through her own experience, noting how the reality often involves juggling endless responsibilities within limited time, creating disparities between male and female professionals due to invisible domestic labor.
Identify Values and Priorities for Time Management
Both experts emphasize the importance of understanding personal values for effective time management. Low suggests imagining a life without financial constraints to identify core values, while Kennedy stresses the significance of preserving personal time for overall family well-being. They advocate for aligning time with priorities through boundary-setting and strategic outsourcing of tasks.
Strategies for Managing Time and Reclaiming Needs
Low recommends treating partners as co-CEOs in household management, with each person taking complete ownership of specific tasks. She challenges the stigma around outsourcing traditionally female-coded tasks, comparing them to commonly outsourced male-coded tasks like car maintenance. Kennedy encourages embracing imperfection and protecting personal time, suggesting that individuals should feel comfortable "throwing out their houseplants" - metaphorically choosing not to do certain tasks during busy periods - to maintain balance and well-being.
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Counterarguments
- While women's professional hours may have increased, there is evidence that men's contribution to household chores has increased over time, though perhaps not at the same rate as women's professional engagement.
- The concept of "having it all" might be subjective and vary greatly depending on individual circumstances, cultural expectations, and personal definitions of success.
- The assertion that modern parents spend more time with their children could be nuanced by considering the quality versus quantity of time spent, as well as the impact of technology and societal changes on parenting styles.
- The idea of treating partners as co-CEOs in household management may not be applicable or effective in all relationships due to varying dynamics, communication styles, and personal preferences.
- Outsourcing tasks, while helpful for some, may not be financially feasible for all families and could be seen as a privilege rather than a broadly applicable strategy.
- The recommendation to embrace imperfection and protect personal time might not acknowledge the real pressures and expectations placed on individuals, particularly in certain professional or cultural contexts.
- The suggestion to not do certain tasks during busy periods to maintain balance may not take into account the potential long-term consequences or the immediate necessity of those tasks.
Actionables
- You can create a shared digital family calendar to visually align everyone's schedules and responsibilities. By color-coding each family member's activities and tasks, you ensure that time management and task distribution are transparent. For example, if your partner has a lighter workload one week, they can take on more household tasks, which can be reflected in the calendar.
- Develop a "task menu" for household chores that anyone can choose from, allowing for flexible task ownership. This menu lists all household tasks and includes an estimated time commitment and difficulty level. Family members can pick tasks based on their current capacity, promoting fairness and shared responsibility without fixed roles.
- Initiate a monthly "value check-in" with your partner or family where you discuss if your time spent aligns with your core values. Use this time to adjust commitments and outsource tasks if necessary. For instance, if you value quality family dinners but lack time to cook, consider a meal prep service for that period to maintain your value of family time without the stress of cooking.
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Changing Landscape of Women's Work and Household Responsibilities
The roles and responsibilities of women in both their professional and domestic lives are evolving, with significant impacts on family dynamics and gender norms.
Women's Jobs Are More Demanding, Requiring Longer Hours
Women's Career Time Increases; Many Work 50-60 Hour Weeks
Women who work outside the home are finding that their jobs have become more demanding, often requiring longer hours. Corinne Low highlights data showing that many women are now working upwards of 50 to 60 hours per week. This significant investment of time into their careers adds stress and complexity to their lives.
Men's Contribution to Household Tasks Remains Unchanged
Men's Housework Unchanged Since 1970s
Despite women's increased role in the workforce, men's contributions to housework have not seen a corresponding change. Becky Kennedy points out that the average woman still shoulders the same amount of domestic labor without additional help, and men's housework participation has not changed significantly since the 1970s.
...
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Changing Landscape of Women's Work and Household Responsibilities
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Counterarguments
- While women's jobs may be demanding, there is a growing trend of workplace flexibility and remote work options that can potentially reduce stress and improve work-life balance.
- Some studies suggest that men's contribution to household tasks has increased over time, especially among younger generations and in certain cultures or socioeconomic groups.
- The increase in time spent with children by parents could be reflective of a cultural shift towards more involved parenting rather than an increase in overall workload, and may not necessarily indicate a disparity in the distribution of responsibilities.
- There is a possibility that the data on men's unchanged housework participation does not account for non-traditional forms of contribution, such as managing finances, home maintenan ...
Actionables
- You can initiate a time audit to assess how you're currently spending your hours each week, which can reveal opportunities to redistribute tasks more equitably at home. Start by tracking your time spent on work, household chores, and childcare for a week. Then, sit down with your partner to discuss the findings and negotiate a more balanced division of labor that acknowledges the increasing demands of modern jobs.
- Consider setting up a family calendar where everyone's activities and responsibilities are visible. This can help in coordinating and ensuring that both partners contribute to household and parenting duties. Use a digital calendar that can be shared and accessed by all family members to input weekly chores, children's activities, and personal work schedules. This visibility can prompt discussions about fairness and shared responsibilities.
- Explore the possibility of outsourcing ...
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Challenges Of "Having It All" and the Myth
Becky Kennedy and Corinne Low cast a critical eye on the myth of "having it all," highlighting the unrealistic ideals and pressures it places on women trying to balance work, home, and parenting.
"Having It All" Sets Unrealistic Ideal For Women
Myth of the "Perfect" Woman Excelling At Work, Home, and Parenting
Becky Kennedy acknowledges the struggle inherent in trying to adhere to the societal expectation to "have it all." The pressure for women to be a present parent, maintain a supportive and connective relationship, prepare healthy meals, attend every child drop-off, possibly work outside the home, and showcase an ideal family life on social media creates an impossible standard. Kennedy suggests that the image of this "perfect" woman is, in fact, a myth.
Corinne Low sarcastically addresses this myth in her book, acknowledging that the reality of trying to "have it all" often involves a chaotic mix of work mishaps and personal struggles, such as dinner disasters and parenting challenges that contrast sharply with the idealized image. Kennedy spotlights the public versus private dichotomy in a woman's life, using the example of Corinne as an accomplished professor, author, and mother who, despite public accolades, still faces the daily micro-moments of struggle, like milk spilling unnoticed while pumping.
Women Juggle Endless Responsibilities In Limited Time
Work Demands and Intensive Parenting Strain Women's Expectations
Corinne Low delves into the economics of being a woman and signifies that in striving to "have it all," it's crucial to understand what is being maximized. The finite nature of ...
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Actionables
- You can redefine success by creating a personal mission statement that reflects your values and goals, rather than societal expectations. Start by listing out what truly matters to you in different areas of your life, such as career, family, and personal growth. Then, draft a statement that encapsulates these priorities, and use it as a compass for making decisions. For example, if your mission statement emphasizes work-life balance, you might choose a job with flexible hours over a more demanding, higher-paying position.
- Establish a support network by connecting with peers who share similar challenges and aspirations. This could be through local community groups, online forums, or social media platforms. Regularly meet or chat with these connections to share experiences, advice, and encouragement. For instance, join a virtual book club that focuses on work-life balance literature, where you can discuss strategies and support each other in implementing them.
- Implement a weekly self-audit to assess ho ...
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Identify Values and Priorities for Time Management
Understanding individual values and priorities can improve effective time management. Utility, the sum total of joy, fulfillment, meaning, and contentment one can fit into a lifetime, is significantly subjective, yet key to life satisfaction.
Reflect on Personal Values and Sources of Joy
Imagining a life free from financial constraints can reveal one's core values and guide time management decisions.
Imagining Life Without Money or Limits Reveals Core Values
Closing your eyes and picturing a life of extreme wealth can help pinpoint core values, as it shows what you truly value when financial limitations are no longer a concern. Corinne Low points out that, for many women, this vision often includes quality time with loved ones over career advancement. Engaging in self-discovery by visualizing such a life without constraints is essential, especially for those who may not be certain of their personal values.
Balancing Needs: Recognizing Yourself as a Family Member
Preserving personal time not only benefits the individual but also family dynamics, as it allows a person to be present and supportive as a family member.
Protecting Personal Time Preserves Energy and Well-Being for Family Support
Becky Kennedy stresses the importance of time for oneself, such as taking a solitary walk, which is not selfish but necessary self-care. Corinne Low also highlights the importance of leisure for parents to have enough energy and patience for their children. Being present, even for something as brief as a 20-minute dinner, can provide significant family connection. Low and Kennedy encourage recognizing self-care as being equally important as fulfilling family roles, setting an example for the next generation, and promoting gender equality.
Align Time With Prio ...
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Counterarguments
- While imagining life without financial constraints can help reveal core values, it may also lead to unrealistic expectations or neglect of practical considerations that are important in day-to-day life.
- The idea that core values often prioritize quality time with loved ones over career advancement may not hold true for everyone, as some individuals may find their career to be a significant source of fulfillment and a core part of their identity.
- The emphasis on personal time and self-care might not be feasible for everyone, especially those in demanding careers or with limited support systems, which could lead to feelings of inadequacy or stress.
- Outsourcing tasks to free up time for meaningful pursuits assumes that one has the financial means to do so, which may not be the case for everyone.
- The recommendation to say "no" to preserve time for high-priority activities can sometimes conflict with cultural or social expectations, potentially leading to strained relationships or missed opportunities.
- Using a calendar to visually represent one's values and schedule personal activities may not be effective for everyone, as some people may find strict scheduling restrictive or stressful.
- The notion that personal time sh ...
Actionables
- Create a "value jar" where you write down activities that align with your core values on slips of paper and draw one to focus on when you have free time, ensuring you spend it in a meaningful way.
- This method randomizes your choice but keeps it within the realm of what's important to you, making it easier to decide on the spot. For example, if 'family time' is a core value, a slip might say 'play a board game with the kids' or 'have a family picnic.'
- Develop a "boundary script" to practice and use when you need to say no to requests that don't align with your priorities, helping you set clear boundaries without feeling guilty.
- Having a pre-written script takes the stress out of the moment and makes it easier to communicate your needs. For instance, your script might be, "I appreciate your offer, but I'm dedicating this time to [priority], which is very important to me right now."
- Use a "time token" system where each token repres ...
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Strategies for Managing Time and Reclaiming Needs
Efficiently managing time and responsibilities while reclaiming time for personal needs are significant challenges, especially for women who often face societal pressures regarding certain tasks. Corinne Low and Becky Kennedy provide strategies for addressing these challenges.
Co-ceos Can Equitably Distribute Responsibilities
Empowering Partners to Fully Own Tasks Eases Women's Burden
Corinne Low advocates for promoting one's partner to a co-CEO in the household, wherein both partners have end-to-end ownership of tasks. For example, one might be in charge of managing lunchboxes, which includes the shopping, packing, and cleaning, without the need for the other partner's guidance.
Outsourcing "Female-Coded" Tasks Is as Valuable as "Male-Coded" Tasks
Reclaiming Time: Overcoming Stigma Around Outsourcing Female Tasks
Low also addresses the stigma surrounding outsourcing tasks traditionally coded as female. She points out the acceptability of outsourcing male-coded tasks like car maintenance and suggests that it should be equally acceptable to outsource female-coded tasks to reclaim personal time. Additionally, she mentions that hiring a professional organizer can be less costly than some traditionally male tasks, like getting an oil change. By comparing these tasks to hiring an expert, Low validates the significance of outsourcing as a means to claim back time.
Embrace Imperfection to Make Personal Time
Removing Unnecessary Tasks Frees Time For Meaningful Pursuits
Low encourages people to protect personal time just as they would other important appointments. She implies that embracing personal imperfections allows one to make time for themselves. The idea of protecting meetings with oneself is emphasized, underscoring the necessity of setting aside time for personal fulfillment.
Becky Kennedy urges listeners to consider their emotional responses to the idea of putting themselves first. She asserts that prioritizing one's needs is natural, emphasizing the importance of reconnecting with personal needs and desires. Kennedy shares personal experiences to illustrat ...
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Counterarguments
- While promoting a partner to co-CEO can distribute responsibilities, it may not account for the nuances of each partner's strengths, weaknesses, and preferences, potentially leading to inefficiencies or dissatisfaction.
- Outsourcing tasks, whether female-coded or male-coded, might not be financially feasible for all households, and the comparison between different types of tasks may oversimplify the complexities of each task's value and cost.
- Embracing imperfection is a positive approach, but it may conflict with certain standards or expectations that individuals or families consider important, potentially leading to stress or conflict.
- Protecting personal time is important, but it may not always be practical in the face of urgent responsibilities or during times of crisis, where flexibility and adaptability are required.
- Prioritizing one's needs is essential, but it must be balanced with the needs of others in the family, and there may be times when compromise or sacrifice is necessary for the greater good.
- Tolerating discomfort from others when prioritizing personal time can be challenging, and there may be cultural or familial expectations that make this approach difficult to implement without causing strain in relationships.
- Embracing moments for oneself is imp ...
Actionables
- Develop a "task lottery" system with your partner to randomize who does which household chores each week, ensuring a fair and varied distribution of work.
- By writing down all household tasks on slips of paper and drawing them from a hat, you can avoid routine and keep the division of labor fresh. This can turn the allocation of chores into a game and prevent the feeling of being stuck with the same tasks.
- Create a "time bank" for personal hours where you deposit an hour of time for yourself every time you complete a shared household task.
- Treat these banked hours like currency to spend on activities you enjoy, ensuring you protect your personal time. For example, if you spend an hour helping the kids with homework, you deposit an hour in your time bank to later spend on reading, a hobby, or relaxation.
- Initiate a seasonal "task freeze" where you collec ...
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