Let’s Talk Bullying With Dr. Sheryl Ziegler
In this episode of Good Inside with Dr. Becky, Dr. Sheryl Ziegler joins to discuss the nuances between bullying and mean behavior, helping parents understand the key differences and appropriate responses to each. The conversation explores common signs that children might be experiencing peer-related difficulties, from physical symptoms like recurring stomachaches to behavioral changes like declining academic performance.
Dr. Kennedy and Dr. Ziegler examine how digital platforms have transformed peer dynamics, introducing new challenges as social interactions follow children beyond school hours. They share practical approaches for supporting children through these difficulties, including how parents can become trusted confidants and use strategies like "therapeutic gossip" to open lines of communication. The discussion also covers ways to validate children's emotions while helping them develop their own problem-solving abilities.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Oct 21, 2025 episode of the Good Inside with Dr. Becky
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1-Page Summary
Defining and Differentiating Mean Behavior Vs. Bullying
Ziegler explains that while mean behavior and bullying are often confused, they have distinct characteristics. Bullying involves repetitive, intentional harm where the perpetrator seeks to assert power over the victim. In contrast, mean behavior might be a one-time occurrence without the underlying desire for power or sustained dominance. Ziegler warns against overusing the term "bullying," emphasizing the importance of recognizing these distinctions for appropriate response.
Recognizing Signs of Peer-Related Struggles in Children
According to Ziegler and Kennedy, children experiencing peer-related difficulties often show both physical and behavioral signs. Physical symptoms might include recurring morning stomachaches or untouched lunches, indicating school-related anxiety. During middle school, when bullying often peaks, changes in academic performance or increased absenteeism can signal that a child feels unsafe at school.
Validating and Responding Appropriately To Children's Emotions
Kennedy advises parents to start conversations by sharing personal experiences and allowing children to express themselves without rushing to solutions. Both Kennedy and Ziegler emphasize that understanding often comes from listening rather than immediate intervention. They note that while parents might feel protective due to their own past experiences, children sometimes just need validation rather than solutions.
The Unique Challenges of Digital/Online Peer Dynamics
Kennedy introduces the concept of the "megaphone effect," where digital platforms amplify peer difficulties by broadcasting hurtful moments to a wider audience. Ziegler and Kennedy discuss how online interactions have eroded traditional "safe spaces," as digital peer dynamics now follow children home, leaving them with no refuge from social challenges.
Effective Strategies For Supporting Children Through Peer Difficulties
Ziegler encourages parents to share their own middle school experiences to become trusted confidants for their children. Kennedy introduces "therapeutic gossip" as a way to share personal anecdotes that children can engage with if they choose. Rather than immediately solving problems, Ziegler advises parents to involve children in developing their own solutions, promoting autonomy and problem-solving skills.
1-Page Summary
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Counterarguments
- While distinguishing between mean behavior and bullying is important, there is a risk of minimizing the impact of mean behavior if it is not addressed with the seriousness it can sometimes require, especially if it is part of a pattern that could escalate to bullying.
- The emphasis on not overusing the term "bullying" might inadvertently lead to underreporting or a lack of intervention in early stages of aggressive behavior.
- Physical symptoms like stomachaches or changes in academic performance can have a variety of causes, not just peer-related struggles, and it's important to consider a holistic approach to a child's health and well-being.
- Sharing personal experiences as a way to start conversations with children might not always be relatable or helpful, as every child's experience is unique, and some might find it difficult to connect with their parents' past experiences.
- While listening is crucial, there are situations where immediate intervention is necessary to protect a child's well-being, especially in cases of severe bullying or when a child is in danger.
- The concept of "therapeutic gossip" might not be effective for all children, and some might benefit more from direct conversations or professional support.
- Encouraging children to develop their own solutions is important, but there should be a balance between promoting autonomy and ensuring that children have the guidance and support they need, especially for complex issues that they might not be equipped to handle on their own.
- The "megaphone effect" of digital platforms can indeed amplify peer difficulties, but it also has the potential to spread positive messages and support networks, which should not be overlooked.
- The erosion of "safe spaces" due to online interactions is a significant concern, but it's also important to recognize the opportunities that digital platforms provide for children to connect with supportive peers and communities outside their immediate environment.
Actionables
- Create a "Feelings Journal" for your child to document their emotions and experiences, encouraging them to express themselves in a safe, private space. This journal can be a simple notebook where they can write, draw, or paste pictures that represent how they feel about their interactions with peers. It can help them process their feelings and give you insight into their world without direct intervention.
- Develop a "Family Storytime" tradition where you and your child take turns sharing stories about your own school experiences, focusing on the emotional aspect rather than the events. This can be done during a weekly family dinner or a set time when everyone is relaxed. The goal is to foster a deeper connection and show your child that they are not alone in facing social challenges.
- Introduce a "Problem-Solving Kit" that includes creative materials like colored pens, sticky notes, and blank paper for your child to map out their feelings and possible solutions to peer struggles. Encourage them to use this kit whenever they feel overwhelmed or need to work through a problem. This hands-on approach can help them visualize their options and feel empowered to take control of their situations.
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Defining and Differentiating Mean Behavior Vs. Bullying
Ziegler sheds light on the significant distinctions between mean behavior and bullying, which are often confused, and underscores the importance of accurate recognition due to the serious implications of mislabeling.
Differences Between Mean Behavior and Bullying
Ziegler defines bullying as an act that is fundamentally about repetitive, intentional harm where the perpetrator seeks to assert power over the victim. This contrasts with mean behavior, which might occur just once and may not involve an underlying desire for power or sustained dominance.
Bullying Is Repeated, Intentional, and Power-Exerting; Mean Behavior May Be One-time
For instance, Ziegler describes a scenario in which a child is picked on every day at recess and told they have no friends. This situation is characterized by its frequency, intentionality, and the power dynamics involved, indicating that it is likely bullying or borderline bullying.
Avoiding Overuse of "Bullying" and Ensuring Accurate Understanding
Ziegler warns against t ...
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Defining and Differentiating Mean Behavior Vs. Bullying
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Clarifications
- Understanding power dynamics in bullying is crucial. In bullying, the perpetrator seeks to assert power over the victim through repetitive and intentional harm. This power dynamic involves the imbalance of power where the bully aims to control or dominate the victim. Recognizing ...
Counterarguments
- The definition of bullying as requiring repetition may overlook the severity of single instances of aggressive behavior that can have lasting impacts on a child.
- The focus on intent in differentiating mean behavior from bullying could be problematic, as it can be difficult to ascertain the true intentions behind a child's actions.
- The emphasis on power dynamics might exclude situations where individuals of equal power or status engage in harmful behavior that could be considered bullying.
- The caution against overusing the term "bullying" might lead to underreporting or minimizing genuine cases of bully ...
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Recognizing Signs of Peer-Related Struggles in Children
Sheryl Ziegler and Becky Kennedy discuss how parents can detect if their children are facing peer-related struggles through behavioral and physical cues.
Physical Symptoms Indicating a Child's Discomfort at School
Physical Symptoms Can Indicate a Child's School-Related Anxiety
Tweens may show physical symptoms such as an untouched lunch or morning stomachaches to indicate discomfort with the school environment. These signs suggest the child’s body is reacting with fight, flight, or freeze responses because school feels unsafe or unsettling. Ziegler and Kennedy point out that recurring complaints like stomach pains or headaches in the morning can be signs of school-related anxiety. Kennedy recalls the stomachaches and racing heart that come with situations like not having a seat at lunch or walking by a certain group, which can be indicators of distress.
Changes in a Child's Academic Performance or Attendance
Signs a Child May Be Struggling At School
Ziegler explains that bullying often peaks in middle school, a time when children are asserting their independence and may become mo ...
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Recognizing Signs of Peer-Related Struggles in Children
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Counterarguments
- While physical symptoms can indicate anxiety, they can also be caused by other factors such as physical illnesses, allergies, or dietary issues, which should be ruled out by a healthcare professional.
- Some children may exhibit physical symptoms due to reasons unrelated to school, such as family stress or sleep deprivation.
- Not all changes in academic performance or attendance are due to negative experiences at school; they could also result from a lack of engagement with the curriculum, learning disabilities, or other personal interests.
- Increased absenteeism might not always signify school-related challenges; it could also be a sign of other issues like chronic health problems or family-related responsibilities.
- While secrecy and resistance to parental involvement can be signs of bullying, they can also be normal aspects of adolescent development as children seek more autonomy.
- Some ...
Actionables
- Create a "morning wellness check-in" with your child using a simple feelings chart or app to track their emotional state over time. By regularly discussing and recording how they feel each morning, you can identify patterns that may indicate anxiety or discomfort related to school. For example, use a chart with faces ranging from happy to sad to help younger children articulate their feelings, or an app that allows older children to log their mood and physical symptoms.
- Establish a "homework huddle" where you casually discuss school assignments over a snack to gauge your child's engagement with schoolwork. This can be a relaxed time after school where you talk about what they learned and what they found challenging, without pressuring them to perform. It's a chance to listen for any signs of disinterest or struggle in a non-confrontational setting.
- Initiate a "peer support buddy system" b ...
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Validating and Responding Appropriately To Children's Emotions
Experts emphasize the importance for parents not only to listen to children's difficulties with peers but also to validate their experiences without rushing to solutions or dismissing their feelings.
Letting Kids Share Experiences Without Rushing to Fix
Validating and Empathizing With a Child Fosters Understanding
Becky Kennedy advises starting conversations with children by sharing personal thoughts or experiences and inviting them to discuss any similar feelings they may have. It's crucial for parents to let children share their difficulties openly, to listen without overwhelming them with questions or a parental action plan, and to give children space to express themselves. Sheryl Ziegler agrees with Kennedy and warns that rushing to fix a problem can cause children to defend themselves rather than opening up about their feelings. They both argue that understanding often comes from simply listening rather than intervening too quickly.
Don't Dismiss Children's Emotional Reactions to Peer Difficulties
Validating Children's Intense Experiences Despite Parental Perception
Parents can be more emotional in response to their children's peer-related issues due to their own past experiences, which can evoke a strong protective instinct. Yet, Kennedy and Ziegler assert that children might only need a moment of validation rather than immediate solutions. Ziegler adds that parents should be aware of their unresolved issues to avoid projecting onto their children's experiences.
When engaging with children on emotional topics, even if they roll their eyes or appear dismissive, Kennedy sees this as a compromise—that the child is listening but maintaining their stance, while Ziegler interprets an eye roll as a sign the child is willing to listen but not ready to acknowledge the conversation’s impact openly.
Ziegler emphasizes the need ...
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Validating and Responding Appropriately To Children's Emotions
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Actionables
- Create a "feelings journal" for your child where they can draw or write about their day, which you can read together during a quiet time. This encourages them to express themselves and gives you insight into their emotional world without the pressure of a face-to-face conversation. For example, if they draw a picture of a frowning face at school, use that as a starting point to gently explore what happened that day.
- Develop a "pause practice" where you take a deep breath and count to five before responding to your child's emotional sharing. This helps you manage your own reactions and gives your child the space they need. For instance, if your child comes to you upset about a peer interaction, instead of immediately offering advice, use the pause to calm your own emotions and prepare to listen.
- Introduce a "symptom diary" for your child to note when they feel physical disco ...
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The Unique Challenges of Digital/Online Peer Dynamics
Sheryl Ziegler and Becky Kennedy discuss the complex challenges kids face with peer interactions in the digital age, where boundaries between home and school are blurred, and negative experiences can be amplified online.
"Megaphone Effect" of Digital Platforms Amplifying Peer-Related Difficulties
Becky Kennedy brings up the "megaphone effect," where digital platforms magnify peer difficulties. In the digital age, hurtful moments are not just between a few individuals but can be broadcasted to a wide audience, equivalent to public announcements. This exposure can create a cycle of exposure and shame that children find difficult to escape from, resulting in feelings of isolation and abandonment as there is no physical refuge. Even non-active participants in a conversation, either around a lunch table or in an online chat, obtain some satisfaction from merely being included; however, exclusion, such as being kicked out of a group chat, can feel much worse than the negativity within the chat itself, as the child is left wondering about the ongoing conversation.
Loss of "Safe Spaces" as Online Interactions Blur Home-School Boundaries
Ziegler and Kennedy discuss the erosion of "safe spaces" due to the permeation of online interactions into every aspect of children's lives. Previously, kids who were bullied a ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
The Unique Challenges of Digital/Online Peer Dynamics
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- The "megaphone effect" of digital platforms describes how online spaces can amplify and broadcast peer-related difficulties to a wider audience, akin to making a public announcement. This means that hurtful interactions that would have been private in the past can now reach a larger group of people, intensifying the impact on the individuals involved. The term highlights how the online environment can magnify the consequences of negative peer experiences, leading to increased feelings of shame, isolation, and exposure for children. This phenomenon underscores the challenges of navigating peer dynamics in the digital age, where boundaries between private and public interactions are blurred, and the repercussions of social interactions can be far-reaching.
- The phrase "permeation of online interactions into every aspect of children's lives" means that digital interactions have become deeply integrated into all parts of a child's daily experiences, including their social, academic, and personal spheres. This constant connectivity blurs the boundaries between different areas of their life, making it challenging for children to separate their online interactions from their offline experiences. As a result, the influence of digital peer dynamics extends beyond traditional settings like school, impacting how children interact and feel even within the confines of their homes. This integration can lead to a sense of being constantly exposed to social pressures and challenges, with no clear escape or respite from online interactions.
- Constant connectivity in the digital age means that children are almost always reachable or e ...
Counterarguments
- Digital platforms can also foster positive peer interactions and provide support systems that might not be available offline.
- Some children may develop resilience and coping strategies in response to online challenges, which can serve them well in other areas of life.
- The concept of "safe spaces" might be evolving, with some children finding online communities where they feel more understood and accepted than in physical spaces.
- Parents and educators can implement strategies and tools to help children manage their online interactions and mitigate negative experiences.
- Online interactions can offer opportunities for learn ...
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Effective Strategies For Supporting Children Through Peer Difficulties
Parents can support their children through peer difficulties effectively by fostering open communication and involving them in developing solutions.
Open Communication Through Sharing Parent's Childhood Experiences
Parents can become trusted confidants for their children by reflecting on and sharing their own childhood experiences.
Parent Becomes Trusted Confidant and Resource
Sheryl Ziegler encourages parents to look back on their middle school experiences and share these stories with their children. Rather than merely projecting their own past onto their child's current situation, parents should use their experiences to relate to their children and offer support. This can help parents become a trusted resource for their children during tough times.
Becky Kennedy introduces the concept of "therapeutic gossip," which involves sharing personal anecdotes in a manner that children can engage with if they choose. This method allows for communication without directly probing into the child's personal experiences. By sharing these stories, parents demonstrate empathy and become a resource their children rely on during peer difficulties.
Ziegler notes that when parents openly communicate about their own past struggles, they can better understand their child's challenges, further cementing their role as a supportive confidant.
Develop a Plan With Child Before Intervening or Solving
Parents should involve their children in finding solutions to empower them and build resilience.
Empowering and Building Resilience Through Child Participation
Instead of rushing to solve the problem, Ziegler advises parents to ask ...
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Effective Strategies For Supporting Children Through Peer Difficulties
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While sharing personal anecdotes can be helpful, it's important to ensure that the stories are relevant and relatable to the child's current situation; otherwise, they may feel misunderstood or that their unique experiences are being overshadowed by their parents' past.
- The concept of "therapeutic gossip" might not be effective for all children, especially those who are more private or less verbal about their feelings; some children might benefit more from direct conversations or alternative forms of communication.
- Parents sharing their past struggles could inadvertently lead to a child feeling pressured to handle situations as their parents did, rather than finding their own path.
- Involving children in problem-solving is beneficial, but there should be a balance; children might sometimes need direct guidance or intervention from adults, especially in complex or harmful situations.
- Autonomy is important, but too much emphasis on the child's independence in problem-solving could lead to a lack of necessary support or intervention from parents, poten ...
Actionables
- Create a "story swap" dinner night where you and your children share stories from your day, encouraging a culture of storytelling to foster open communication without direct probing. During these dinners, take turns to share a story from your day and then invite your child to share theirs. This can be a fun way to learn about each other's experiences and offer support without making the conversation feel like an interrogation.
- Develop a "future me" scenario game to play with your children, which allows them to think about how they would handle different situations. For example, create a deck of cards with various scenarios written on them, ranging from dealing with a difficult classmate to facing a new challenge at school. Let your child draw a card and discuss how they might handle that situation, promoting problem-solving and autonomy.
- Introduce a "plan of the week" board in your home ...
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1-Page Summary- Defining and Differentiating Mean Behavior Vs. Bullying
- Recognizing Signs of Peer-Related Struggles in Children
- Validating and Responding Appropriately To Children's Emotions
- The Unique Challenges of Digital/Online Peer Dynamics
- Effective Strategies For Supporting Children Through Peer Difficulties
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