When Our Nervous Systems Hijack Our Parenting
In this episode of Good Inside, Dr. Becky Kennedy examines why parents sometimes yell at their children, explaining how our nervous systems can trigger automatic responses to children's anger. She explores how parents' past experiences, particularly their own childhood encounters with anger, can create ingrained patterns that surface during challenging parenting moments.
Dr. Kennedy offers practical approaches for parents to understand and address their yelling behaviors, including ways to recognize these reactions as protective responses stemming from past experiences. She discusses the importance of repairing relationships after yelling incidents and provides guidance on how parents can acknowledge their actions and reconnect with their children, emphasizing the value of maintaining the parent-child relationship over immediate behavioral correction.
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1-Page Summary
Psychology Of why Parents Yell At Children
Becky Kennedy explores the complex psychological mechanisms behind parental yelling, particularly in response to children's anger or defiance.
Parents' Nervous Systems React To Children's Anger
Kennedy explains that parents often yell not from conscious choice, but from automatic protective responses rooted in their past experiences. When parents grew up in environments where anger was treated as dangerous or disrespectful, their bodies learned to associate anger with threats. This conditioning can cause parents to react to their children's anger by instinctively trying to shut it down, often using the same harsh mechanisms they experienced in their own childhood.
These reactions, Kennedy notes, aren't reflective of parents' true values but rather stem from ingrained patterns and past-conditioned nervous systems. When triggered by their children's protests or tantrums, parents may unconsciously reactivate memories from their own childhoods, leading to protective mechanisms like going cold or shutting down.
Strategies For Addressing and Overcoming Yelling Behavior
Kennedy suggests approaching these reactions with self-compassion by recognizing them as protective responses. She encourages parents to thank their "inner protector" - the part of themselves that adapted to perceive anger as a threat. This gratitude, she suggests, can help parents shift their perspective and begin responding more calmly to their children's anger.
Importance of Repair and Connection After Yelling Incidents
Kennedy emphasizes that it's never too late to repair relationships after yelling incidents. She notes that even adults desire their parents to return, admit mistakes, and reconnect caringly. The key, according to Kennedy, is prioritizing the relationship over immediate correction. This involves listening without defensiveness and openly acknowledging the impact of yelling, even when it has been a long-standing pattern.
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Counterarguments
- While past experiences can influence behavior, it's also important to consider the role of present stressors and environmental factors that might contribute to a parent's likelihood to yell.
- Suggesting that yelling is not a conscious choice might inadvertently absolve individuals of taking responsibility for their actions, which could be counterproductive to change.
- The concept of thanking one's "inner protector" may not resonate with everyone, and some individuals might benefit more from other psychological approaches such as cognitive-behavioral techniques to address yelling.
- The idea of repairing and reconnecting might oversimplify the complexity of some parent-child relationships where deeper issues, such as trauma or mental health challenges, play a significant role.
- Prioritizing the relationship over immediate correction could be misinterpreted in some situations, potentially leading to a lack of boundaries or discipline that is also important in child development.
- The text does not address the potential for yelling to become abusive or the long-term effects of yelling on children, which might be an important aspect to consider in discussions about parental yelling.
Actionables
- Create a "yelling jar" where you contribute a small amount of money each time you raise your voice, then donate the collected funds to a children's charity. This tangible consequence helps you become more aware of your yelling and gives back to the community, reinforcing the importance of positive interactions with children.
- Develop a "cool-down" signal with your children, such as a hand gesture or a word, that anyone can use to indicate the need for a break during tense moments. This non-verbal cue can help prevent yelling by providing an immediate, mutually understood way to pause and regroup before emotions escalate.
- Start a family gratitude journal where each day, you and your children write down things you appreciate about each other. This practice fosters a positive atmosphere and reminds everyone of the value of your relationships, making it easier to prioritize connection over correction.
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Psychology Of why Parents Yell At Children
Becky Kennedy delves into the psychological reasons behind why parents often yell at their children, especially when they react to anger or defiance.
Parents' Nervous Systems React To Children's Anger or Defiance Before Values Catch Up
Kennedy explains that parents' nervous systems can react to their children's anger or defiance before their values have time to guide their response. This often leads to yelling, which is a protective response triggered by a parent's past experiences.
Parental Yelling: A Protective Response to Children's Anger
According to Kennedy, when a child expresses anger, parents may respond by yelling, not out of conscious choice but as an automatic protective response. This reaction may be driven by memory patterns from the parents' past experiences.
Parents' Past Anger Met With Punishment Can Cause Reactive Responses to Children's Anger
When parents grow up in environments where anger was considered disrespectful or dangerous, resulting in punishment or isolation, their bodies learn to associate anger with threats. Therefore, parents may react to their children's anger by instinctively trying to shut it down using the same harsh mechanisms that were used on them.
Parental Reactions: Unconscious Protection, Not True Values
Kennedy suggests that the immediate and often out-of-character responses from parents can be a result of ingrained patterns, rather than a reflection of their true values.
Parents May Yell Due to Ingrained Childhood Patterns
Example stories from Kennedy's practice, such as a mom yelling back when her daughter says "I hate you," suggest that the response may be ingrained from childhood experiences. It mirrors the same terrifying and cold reaction they received from their own parents during moments of anger, suggesting that the yelling is not reflective of their current values but a repea ...
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Psychology Of why Parents Yell At Children
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Counterarguments
- While past experiences can influence behavior, it's also possible for parents to learn and choose responses that align with their values, despite their past.
- Yelling might sometimes be a conscious choice rather than just a protective response, as parents may use it as a strategy to assert authority or control.
- Some parents may have grown up with similar experiences but do not yell, suggesting that individual differences and coping strategies play a role.
- The idea that yelling is not reflective of true values may be overly simplistic, as values are complex and can sometimes include the belief in strict or authoritative parenting styles.
- The concept of yelling being due to ingrained childhood patterns doesn't account for the variability in how different people process and overcome their childhood experiences.
- The assertion that reactions stem from past-conditioned nervous systems may not fully consider the role of present stressors a ...
Actionables
- Create a "reaction journal" to track and reflect on your responses to your child's behavior. Each time you find yourself reacting to anger or defiance, jot down the situation, your immediate reaction, and what you think triggered it. Over time, you'll start to see patterns in your behavior that are linked to past experiences, which can help you become more conscious of your reactions and work on changing them.
- Develop a "pause and plan" technique for high-stress moments with your children. When you feel the urge to yell or shut down, take a deep breath and count to ten, giving yourself a moment to choose a response that aligns with your values rather than falling back on learned behaviors. This can help you break the cycle of reacting based on past conditioning and instead respond in a way that reflects your true intentions as a parent.
- Engage in role-playing exercises with a ...
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Strategies For Addressing and Overcoming Yelling Behavior
Kennedy introduces strategies for parents to understand and overcome yelling behavior by looking inward and reframing their responses to anger, both in themselves and their children.
Thank Your Inner Protector Against Anger
Kennedy explores the concept that reactions such as coldness or shutdown can be a protective response. This recognition can help parents approach their reactions with self-compassion.
Recognizing the Body Shields Not Harms, Helps Parents Approach With Self-Compassion
Understanding why we yell is crucial. Our bodies try to protect us, based on past experiences where anger was perceived as dangerous. Kennedy highlights the importance of recognizing the body's protective tendencies.
Gratitude To This Protective Part Can Help It Adapt
Kennedy suggests expressing gratitude to the part of oneself that adapted to perceived anger as a threat during vulnerable times. Though not explicitly discussed, it’s implied that acknowledging and thanking this protective response can enable it to adapt.
By appreciating the body's role in shielding us and understanding why it stores anger as a threat, parents can gently shift their perspective. This opens up the potential for changing yelling behavior. With gratitude to the body’s defense mechanisms, Kennedy indicate ...
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Strategies For Addressing and Overcoming Yelling Behavior
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Counterarguments
- While reframing responses to anger is beneficial, it may not address the root causes of the anger or the external factors contributing to it.
- Recognizing the body's protective tendencies is important, but it might not be sufficient for individuals who have experienced trauma, where professional help could be necessary.
- Expressing gratitude to the protective part of oneself is a positive step, but it may not be effective for everyone, and some may find more success with other therapeutic techniques.
- The idea that understanding why the body stores anger as a threat can lead to a shift in perspective assumes that cognitive under ...
Actionables
- Create a "calm response" toolkit with items that symbolize tranquility for you and your family, such as stress balls, calming scents, or soothing music. When you feel anger rising, use these items to physically shift your focus and model a peaceful reaction for your children. For example, if a child's tantrum triggers your anger, you might reach for a lavender-scented handkerchief to take deep breaths and demonstrate a serene demeanor.
- Start a family gratitude journal where each member, including the parents, writes down moments they felt protected or safe because of someone's actions in the family. This practice encourages recognition of the body's protective role and fosters a supportive environment. You could share entries during family dinners, highlighting how each person contributes to the family's well-being.
- Develop a "body awareness" routine where you spend a few ...
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Importance of Repair and Connection After Yelling Incidents
Parents often struggle with the aftermath of raising their voice. Becky Kennedy discusses the essential nature of repair and re-connection after yelling incidents, even when those incidents have become a long-standing pattern.
Never too Late for Parents to Repair Yelling or Harsh Reactions
Even Adults Desire a Parent to Return, Admit Mistakes, and Reconnect Caringly
Kennedy reflects on an incident involving a mother who yelled at her daughter and then felt frozen, unsure of how to proceed. Through this story, Kennedy stresses that the desire for parents to return, acknowledge their mistakes, and re-engage in dialogue never diminishes with age. Both children and adults value this act of reconnection and admission of fault.
A Child's Story Allows Change and Healing, Despite a Long Pattern Of Yelling
Becky Kennedy conveys the significance of parents admitting mistakes and reconnecting after yelling. She narrates a hypothetical instance where an adult yearns for their parent to recognize past errors and rebuild the relationship. Kennedy's perspective illuminates that grasping a child's experiences and previous incidents can invoke change and deliver healing, even if yelling has been a recurring reaction. Kennedy insists it's never too late to address and amend these moments, offering a beacon of hope that confronting past instances of yelling and harshness can be transformative.
Repair and Re-connection: Prioritizing Relationship Over Correction
Kennedy elucidates the crucial process of prioritizing one's relationship with a child rather than immediate correction following a yelling episode. Such moment ...
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Importance of Repair and Connection After Yelling Incidents
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Counterarguments
- While repair and reconnection are important, there may be situations where immediate correction is necessary for safety or to prevent harm.
- Admitting mistakes is valuable, but it should be balanced with maintaining authority and consistency in parenting.
- Some argue that focusing too much on the parent's need to repair can inadvertently place the emotional burden on the child to forgive or manage the parent's feelings.
- There may be cultural differences in how yelling is perceived and the expected responses to it, suggesting that a one-size-fits-all approach to repair might not be universally applicable.
- In cases of repeated yelling, repair might not be sufficient without addressing the underlying causes of the parent's behavior.
- Emphasizing reconnection after yelling could potentially minimize the impact of the yelling itself, possibly leading to a cycle where yelling is seen as more permissible if followed by reconnection.
- Some experts might argue that to ...
Actionables
- Create a "reconnection ritual" to use after moments of tension with your child, such as a special handshake or a hug, to symbolize starting fresh and rebuilding the bond. This physical action can serve as a non-verbal apology and a step towards mending the relationship, making it easier to express remorse and reconnect without the need for immediate verbal communication.
- Start a family "empathy journal" where each member can write down their feelings after a conflict, including instances of yelling. This can help everyone understand the impact of their actions and encourage open communication. By reading each other's entries, family members can gain insight into the emotional aftermath of conflicts, fostering empathy and a shared commitment to do better.
- Implement a " ...
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