How to Negotiate, Lead, and Win in Any Situation with Chris Voss

Negotiation experts Chris Voss and Heather Monahan delve into the sophisticated dynamics that define successful deal-making—especially the crucial roles of tactical empathy, stakeholder engagement, and reframing adversarial relationships.

Understanding the "Agreement Graveyard" and Hidden Deal-Killers

Modern negotiations often stall or collapse not due to disagreements at the table, but because of secondary stakeholders—decision-makers or influencers removed from the negotiation itself—who sabotage the deal post-discussion. Chris Voss refers to this phenomenon as the "agreement graveyard," where promising deals are derailed by individuals who wait in the wings, often motivated by internal politics, jealousy, or a perceived lack of involvement. For instance, corporate in-house counsels who were excluded from negotiations may feel compelled to justify their role by rigorously scrutinizing and potentially undermining deals, regardless of their objective merit.

Another frequent pitfall is mistaking genuine interest from a counterpart for authentic intent to close a deal. Voss shares that about 20% of business negotiations are never intended to reach fruition. Instead, negotiators may be used as “rabbits”—competing bids or reference points to drive down prices from a favored provider, or simply for due diligence. The key is to assess “proof of life”: determine early if there is true commitment to making a deal with you, not just collecting pricing information to leverage elsewhere.

Deploying Strategic Questions to Secure Internal Buy-in

To navigate these hurdles, Voss recommends employing strategic "what" and "how" questions with all stakeholders, especially those notorious for derailing deals, like general counsels or other powerful internal figures. Such questions, for example, "What are the obstacles here?", "What's the biggest challenge?", or "How can we ensure success?" serve two vital purposes. First, they inflate the respondent’s sense of control, making them feel respected and in charge, which satisfies their psychological need for significance. Second, these questions force stakeholders to invest mental energy and thought, which, in turn, increases their psychological ownership of the process and its outcomes.

Bringing problematic decision-makers into the process early is essential. By engaging them with strategic questioning from the outset, these stakeholders feel involved, valued, and even cast in the role of mentors or guides. This sense of ownership decreases their likelihood of becoming barriers at the final hurdle. Monahan underscores that when she praised difficult stakeholders publicly, their willingness to collaborate improve ...

Emotional intelligence lies at the heart of effective connection and negotiation. Chris Voss and Heather Monahan discuss how cultivating gratitude, curiosity, playfulness, and presence can transform conversations, foster resilience, and build powerful rapport, even in moments of stress or perceived conflict.

Four Core Emotional States For Resilience and Connection

Gratitude, Curiosity, Playfulness, and Presence Prevent Anxiety-Driven Calculations In Negotiations

Chris Voss identifies gratitude, curiosity, playfulness, and being present as four emotional superpowers that help people remain in the moment. These emotions prevent the anxiety-driven calculations that can undermine negotiations and relationships. Playfulness, in particular, he highlights as a superpower for keeping perspectives fresh and open. Curiosity, according to Voss, forces individuals into the present, helping them engage positively, see patterns more quickly, and connect more genuinely with others.

Emotional Interdependence: Curiosity Encourages Presence, Fostering Gratitude and Playfulness

The interplay between these emotions is critical. Curiosity naturally makes someone present, which in turn can seed gratitude and playfulness. When a person is genuinely curious about another, they become more attentive, which leads to deeper connections—people are likely to share things they haven’t told anyone else.

Curiosity as a Transformative Superpower in High-Stress Situations

Curiosity Prevents Anger and Destructive Emotions By Occupying Mental Space

Voss emphasizes that curiosity cannot co-exist with anger: "You can't be angry and curious at the same time." In high-tension negotiations or difficult conversations, channeling curiosity occupies the mind, preventing space for destructive emotions to grow.

Curiosity Fostered Resilience in Adversity Survivors

Drawing from Nassim Nicholas Taleb’s concept of anti-fragility and Viktor Frankl’s "Man’s Search for Meaning," Voss points out that people surviving extremely stressful environments, such as Holocaust survivors, often did so by adopting a curious outlook—wondering curiously about what would happen next helped them withstand overwhelming horrors. Curiosity, therefore, bolsters psychological resilience in the face of adversity.

Science Of how Asking About Passions Builds Connection

Speaking About Loved Things Releases [restricted term], Fostering Positive Emotional Ties With the Inquirer

Voss shares a practical tool: ask people what they love about where they work or live. He demonstrates this by recounting a grocery store scenario, where a simple question—"What do you love about working at Albertsons?"—elicited a heartfelt, detailed response from the cashier. She shared her positive feelings about her benefits and workplace, resulting in a genuine, emotional connection during what would otherwise have been a routine transaction.

Heather Monahan explains that when people speak about things they love, their brains release [restricted term]. This neurochemical boost improves happiness and creates a positive emotional tie to the person who asked the question. The act is biological; the recipient is often unaware of it happening, but it indisputably elevates mood and connection.

This Is a Powerful Tool For Building Rapport:

Voss reflects how even in brief or transactional interactions, giving some ...

Reframing setbacks like job loss as catalysts for growth requires conscious mental shifts. Chris Voss and Heather Monahan explore how internal dialogue and role models can help turn adversity into a launchpad for greater success.

Transforming Job Loss To Opportunity Through Perspective Shifts

Thriving Vs. Suffering After Job Loss: Self-Talk and Reframing's Role

Chris Voss emphasizes that the inner chatter in your mind—your self-talk—makes all the difference during difficult moments like job loss. He advocates repeating the phrase, “This is not happening to me, it’s happening for me,” as a mental exercise to shift from feeling like a victim to seeing adversity as a turning point. Voss explains that although this mindset shift is challenging and takes practice, it can change the way you experience and respond to your situation. Rather than thinking only of what’s lost, reframing the narrative allows you to look for growth and new possibilities.

Heather Monahan echoes this, sharing her own experience of being fired after she outgrew her company. She acknowledges the pain and fear in the moment, but with hindsight, she sees it as the best thing that happened to her. Both experts argue that people often feel anxiety and dread after job loss because the vision of the future has vanished, but that future-casting negative outcomes is often untrue—these events can be a springboard to a better life.

Two-millimeter Mental Shift: Changing Momentum From Processing Loss to Possibility

Voss introduces the concept of a “two-millimeter mind shift”—a small change in perspective that can alter the entire momentum of your life. He compares leaving a bad job to leaving a bad relationship: sometimes job loss frees you from a situation where you weren’t valued or able to grow. He points out that job loss may stem from circumstances beyond your control, like company mismanagement or a bloated, failing organization. Embracing this shift speeds up moving from processing loss to seeking out new opportunities, helping individuals thrive rather than suffer after setbacks.

Learning From Role Models Who Survived Corporate Upheaval

Leaders Like Bob Iger Thrive By Embracing New Cultures Post-Acquisitions, Ensuring Survival During Multiple Takeovers When Others Get Removed

Bob Iger, former CEO of Disney, provides a clear example of surviving—and succeeding—amid corporate turbulence. Voss highlights Iger’s consistent ability to thrive after multiple takeovers, in stark contrast to others who refused to adapt and were shown the door. When Disney acquired ABC Sports, Iger faced budget slashes, loss of creative independence, and a radically different culture. Instead of resisting, he adapted, showing respect for new authority, and committed to doing things “their way” as long as it was within the rules. This flexible, respectful attitude enabled Iger to not only survive repeated acquisitions but also shape transformational deals, such as the historic Pixar-Disney agreement.

Iger's Respect For Authority and Values Led To Success in Hostile Environments and Transformational Deals Like the Pixar Acquisition

Iger’s career demonstrates the value of respecting authority and shifting with new corpora ...

Chris Voss and Heather Monahan discuss how gendered perspectives and business culture have shaped the development and application of soft skills—particularly emotional intelligence—in negotiation, and how fresh approaches can unlock everyone’s potential.

Why Women Adopt Emotional Intelligence-Based Negotiation Faster

Voss observes that women typically pick up emotional intelligence-based negotiation tactics, which he refers to as tactical empathy, more quickly than men. This is not because women are inherently better at the skill, but they more readily embrace soft skills such as empathy, comprehending the other side's perspective, and demonstrating understanding. Voss notes that women are educated in these skills from a young age, while men are often less familiar and thus regard them with suspicion or fear. Men tend to hesitate and delay using empathy-based techniques, as they want to perfect them first before trying. In contrast, women are more willing to experiment and try these new skills right away, facilitating faster skill development.

Voss notes that even within his team, male trainees are more reluctant to use new negotiation techniques because they seek perfection from the outset, while women naturally try them sooner, which speeds up their learning process.

Costly Mistake of Women Adopting Masculine Business Styles

Monahan reflects on her own career in male-dominated industries and the widespread advice for women to hide their emotion and empathy—qualities branded as weaknesses—to succeed. In fields like radio, she was taught to "be one of the guys" and conceal her femininity, which conflicted with her natural inclination to connect authentically. Voss points out that in the past, successful women were encouraged to suppress their femininity and lost their authentic selves, often to their detriment. Now, many highly effective executives are challenging these old norms, thriving by remaining true to themselves and disproving the idea that only masculine business styles bring success.

Understanding how Competitive Comparison Limits Everyone's Growth

Voss highlights that men, in particular, restrict their business potential by constantly comparing themselves to competitors. Instead of focusing on growth, they are satisfied with being better than the next person without realizing how much more effective they could become. He likens this to "vog guys" who, while seeking the comfort of a group, reinforce their own mediocrity and perpetuate it as mentors. Mediocre mentors encourage others to mirror their approach, ensuring that neither they nor their mentees rise ab ...