Confidence Classic: Where True Confidence Really Comes From with Nicole Kalil
In this episode of Creating Confidence, Nicole Kalil joins Heather Monahan to discuss the foundations of authentic confidence. Drawing from her experience as a former executive in the finance industry, Kalil shares her transition from struggling with authenticity to becoming what she calls a "Confidence Sherpa," helping others develop genuine self-trust rather than superficial confidence.
The conversation explores how true confidence comes from within rather than from external achievements or validation. Kalil outlines five major obstacles to building confidence, including perfectionism and unhealthy comparison to others, while Monahan adds context through her own experiences with maintaining authenticity in professional settings. Together, they examine practical strategies for developing self-trust, setting healthy boundaries, and embracing individual strengths.
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1-Page Summary
Nicole's Personal Journey To Becoming a "Confidence Sherpa"
Nicole Kalil shares her transformative journey from an executive struggling with authenticity to becoming a guide for others seeking confidence. Despite her success as a female executive in the male-dominated finance industry, Kalil found herself grappling with inauthenticity and a lack of true confidence. She often suppressed her natural qualities like empathy and vulnerability to fit into the masculine environment.
Through observing confident individuals and extensive research, Kalil began understanding the distinction between superficial confidence and genuine self-trust. Her transition to mentoring others in confidence-building strategies solidified her own journey and established her role as a "Confidence Sherpa."
Defining and Cultivating Authentic Confidence
Kalil and Heather Monahan challenge common misconceptions about confidence, emphasizing that it stems from self-trust rather than external achievements or others' perceptions. Monahan shares her experience with a property purchase and dismissal from corporate America to illustrate how genuine confidence is an internal state independent of circumstances.
To build authentic confidence, Kalil recommends keeping commitments to oneself, establishing healthy boundaries, and embracing unique strengths rather than imitating others. Monahan reinforces this by sharing how she maintained her authentic style, even wearing ripped jeans for a speech, which ultimately boosted her confidence.
Common Confidence "Derailers" or Obstacles
Kalil identifies five major obstacles to confidence:
- Perfectionism, which creates unrealistic pressure and undermines self-trust
- "Head trash," or negative self-talk that needs to be challenged with kindness
- Unhealthy comparison to others' highlight reels
- Overthinking that leads to analysis paralysis instead of action
- Seeking confidence through external validation rather than internal development
Monahan supports these points through her own experience, describing how attempting to fit an inauthentic image and relying on job titles for confidence ultimately proved unfulfilling.
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Actionables
- You can create a "confidence journal" where you document daily acts of self-trust and authenticity, such as decisions made without seeking others' approval or moments when you stayed true to your values despite pressure. This practice helps reinforce the idea that confidence comes from within and is built through consistent, self-affirming actions. For example, if you chose to present an unconventional idea in a meeting, write down how it felt to trust your instincts and the outcome, regardless of how others reacted.
- Develop a personal "confidence playlist" of songs that resonate with your true self and make you feel empowered. Listen to this playlist during moments of self-doubt or before situations where you need a confidence boost. The music can serve as an emotional anchor, reminding you of your unique strengths and the importance of maintaining authenticity. For instance, if a particular song reminds you of a time you overcame a challenge by being true to yourself, it can be a powerful tool to reignite that feeling of self-trust.
- Start a "boundary-setting challenge" with a friend or colleague where you both commit to establishing and maintaining one new healthy boundary each week. This could involve saying no to extra work that infringes on personal time or expressing your true opinion in a situation where you might usually conform. Share your experiences and support each other in this process. This mutual encouragement can make it easier to stick to your commitments and reinforce the value of healthy boundaries for building confidence.
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Nicole's Personal Journey To Becoming a "Confidence Sherpa"
Nicole Kalil takes us through her introspective journey of overcoming inauthenticity and the facade of confidence, detailing the path that led her to become a "Confidence Sherpa" for others.
Nicole's Experience With Lacking Confidence Despite Appearances
Female Executive in Male-Dominated Finance Struggles With Confidence and Authenticity
Despite ascending to an executive role at a Fortune 100 company in the finance sector, Nicole Kalil felt the pangs of inauthenticity and a deep-seated lack of true confidence. As one of the few women in a predominantly male industry, she faced internal turmoil between trying to meet external expectations and maintaining her sense of self. She noted that this disconnect only fueled her confidence issues.
Early on, Nicole found herself expected to participate in women's events within her field but initially resisted, feeling more compelled to assimilate into the traditional male-dominated environment. This resistance was one of the personal elements that made writing the initial portions of her book particularly challenging, as these chapters forced her to confront and articulate personal experiences and motivations that she typically did not share in her public speaking engagements.
In her struggle to fit in, Nicole grappled with authenticity in her participation in executive meetings. Despite sharing her opinions, she often resorted to a masculine demeanor, suppressing her innate qualities like empathy, transparency, and vulnerability, to mirror the behaviors she thought signified strength and confidence within her industry.
Nicole's Self-Discovery of True Confidence Roots
Nicole’s journey into the heart of true confidence began with keen observation.
Observing Confident People: Superficial Confidence vs. Deep Self-Trust
Nicole scrutinized those around her who exuded confidence in order to understand their essence, yet she also identified underlying insecurities among individuals who were ostensibly successful or high-earning. Through this exploration, she realized the complex nature of confidence, discerning the difference between superficial confidence and deep self-trust.
Extensive Research and Study of Confidence-Building Practices
Her path to self-discovery also ...
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Nicole's Personal Journey To Becoming a "Confidence Sherpa"
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Actionables
- Create a personal "Authenticity Journal" to track moments when you feel inauthentic at work. Note the situations, how you reacted, and how you felt afterward. Over time, review your entries to identify patterns and brainstorm ways to respond more authentically in the future.
- Develop a "Confidence Portfolio" by documenting instances where you've successfully handled challenges or learned from failures. Refer to this portfolio whenever you need a reminder of your capabilities and growth, especially before high-stakes meetings or presentations.
- Start a "Vulnerability Practice" by c ...
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Defining and Cultivating Authentic Confidence
Nicole Kalil and Heather Monahan challenge the common misconceptions about confidence, asserting that it's not derived from external achievements or others' perceptions but from trusting oneself and embracing authenticity.
Confidence vs. External Displays of Success or Happiness
Confidence Stems From Self-Trust, Not Achievements or Others' Perceptions
Nicole addresses the false notion that confidence is a byproduct of reaching certain milestones or earning approval from others. This understanding is contrasted with Nicole's personal journey of progressing in her career but feeling inauthentic and lacking self-confidence despite external appearances. Heather Monahan shares her story about a property purchase that felt wrong due to an uncomfortable interaction with a realtor, which led to the realization that genuine comfort and confidence are internal states that are not dependent on situational victories or the approval of others.
Confidence Is an Internal State, Not From Circumstances
Nicole Kalil talks about the "confidence con," the misconception that confidence is something one acquires from external sources, such as success or societal approval. Heather Monahan echoes this sentiment by reflecting on her dismissal from corporate America, which made her understand that true confidence is an inward state that cannot be taken away. They suggest that confidence is knowing and doing what one feels they are supposed to be doing, which is an indication of self-assurance, not dictated by external circumstances or momentary feelings.
Practical Strategies For Building Authentic, Sustainable Confidence
Keeping Commitments To Oneself
Nicole Kalil stresses the significance of honoring commitments, not just to others but to oneself. She points out that people often neglect personal commitments, and this undermines self-trust and confidence. Keeping these commitments is a foundational step in building authentic confidence.
Establishing Healthy Boundaries and Using One's Voice
Kal ...
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Defining and Cultivating Authentic Confidence
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Counterarguments
- Confidence can sometimes be bolstered by external achievements, as they can provide tangible evidence of one's abilities and can reinforce self-belief.
- Societal approval and external validation, while not the sole sources of confidence, can play a role in how individuals perceive themselves and can contribute to a sense of belonging and acceptance.
- Achievements and others' perceptions can be part of a feedback loop that informs and adjusts one's self-trust and authenticity.
- Confidence may fluctuate with circumstances for some individuals, and this variability does not necessarily indicate a lack of genuine confidence.
- There can be a balance between internal self-assurance and responsiveness to external feedback, where both play a role in shaping a healthy self-concept.
- Overemphasis on self-reliance for confidence can lead to isolation and disregard for the value of community and relationships in personal growth.
- While honoring commitments to oneself is important, flexibility and adaptability in commitments are sometimes necessary in response to changing life circumstances.
- Setting boundarie ...
Actionables
- Create a "Confidence Journal" where you document daily actions that align with your values, not your achievements. This practice helps you focus on the process of living authentically rather than on external validation. For example, write about a time you chose to pursue a hobby you love, even though it's not widely appreciated, or when you expressed your true opinion in a meeting, despite it being unpopular.
- Develop a personal "Boundary Blueprint" that outlines your limits and how you'll enforce them. Use this blueprint to practice saying no to requests that don't align with your priorities or values. For instance, if you're invited to an event that conflicts with your need for rest or personal time, refer to your blueprint as a reminder and guide for declining politely.
- Initiate a "Uniqueness Challenge" w ...
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Common Confidence "Derailers" or Obstacles
Nicole Kalil identifies common obstacles to confidence and shares insight into how these challenges can be addressed to build true self-assuredness.
Perfectionism as the "Enemy of Confidence"
Pressure to Be Flawless Undermines Self-Trust
Nicole Kalil talks about perfectionism, which she frames as the number one confidence derailer. This damaging belief system creates a pressure to always be perfect, which ultimately undermines self-trust. Kalil suggests that striving for flawlessness is an unrealistic goal that hampers confidence.
"Head Trash" - The Self-Critical Inner Dialogue
Challenging Negative Self-Talk With Kindness
Kalil defines the second confidence derailer as "head trash," referring to our negative self-talk. She explains that this internal criticism, such as feelings of inadequacy, is usually mean, not true, and certainly not kind. By challenging this self-critical dialogue with kindness, individuals can work towards overcoming this obstacle.
Comparison of Oneself Against Others' Highlight Reels
Recognizing the Dangers of Unhealthy Comparison
According to Kalil, comparison acts as the third confidence derailer. It involves pitting oneself against others and typically results in comparing one's regular life to someone else's best moments. This unhealthy comparison often leads to feelings of inadequacy and undermines confidence.
Overthinking and Inaction Due to Fear of Failure
Take Imperfect Action Over Analysis Paralysis
The fourth derailer, Kalil mentions, is overthinking, which leads to inaction and regret. She stresses that overthinking prevents us from taking any action, which, over time, individuals regret more than the actions they do take. Kalil shares her own experience of overthinking while writing her book and illustrates the importance of taking action, however imperfect, rather than being paralyzed by analysis.
Seeking Confidence Externally Through Achievements, Appearance, or Relationships
...
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Common Confidence "Derailers" or Obstacles
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Clarifications
- "Head trash" is a slang term used to describe the clutter of negative, unhelpful thoughts that fill a person's mind. It often includes self-doubt, harsh judgments, and irrational fears that distort reality. This mental noise can lower self-esteem and hinder decision-making. Recognizing "head trash" is the first step to replacing it with positive, constructive thinking.
- "Highlight reels" is a metaphor borrowed from sports, where only the best plays are shown. On social media, people often share only their most positive or impressive moments, not everyday struggles or failures. This selective sharing creates an unrealistic image of others' lives. Comparing yourself to these curated moments can lead to unfair self-judgment and lowered confidence.
- Perfectionism undermines self-trust because it sets impossible standards that make any mistake feel like a personal failure. This constant fear of failure causes people to doubt their abilities and judgment. When individuals can't meet their own unrealistic expectations, they lose confidence in their decision-making. Over time, this erodes the belief that they can rely on themselves.
- Comparison triggers feelings of inadequacy because the brain naturally focuses on differences, highlighting what one lacks relative to others. This activates negative self-evaluation and lowers self-esteem by emphasizing perceived shortcomings. Social comparison often involves selective exposure to others' successes, creating unrealistic standards. This distorts self-perception and fuels feelings of inferiority.
- "Analysis paralysis" occurs when excessive thinking about decisions causes a person to become stuck and unable to act. This indecision can erode confidence by reinforcing self-doubt and fear of making mistakes. Overthinking magnifies potential risks, making choices seem overwhelming and discouraging action. Taking imperfect action helps build confidence by creating momentum and learning opportunities.
- External confidence depends on factors outside oneself, like praise, success, or appearance, making it unstable and temporary. Internal confidence comes from trusting one's own abilities and values, providing a steady sense of self-worth. Unlike external confide ...
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