59. I Drank & Got A Bag...
In this episode of Aware & Aggravated, Leo Skepi discusses a relapse after 96 days of sobriety. Under the weight of business challenges and family health issues, he turned to alcohol and cocaine during a trip to Las Vegas, leading him to examine his relationship with substances and their role in his coping mechanisms.
The episode delves into Skepi's complex relationship with spirituality and his struggle to accept unconditional love. He explores feelings of isolation and his tendency to shoulder complete responsibility for maintaining his world, sharing insights about his pattern of self-proving and resistance to accepting help from others or a higher power. Through personal metaphors and self-reflection, Skepi examines these patterns and their impact on his life.
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1-Page Summary
Speaker's Addiction and Recent Relapse
After achieving 96 days of sobriety, the speaker experienced a significant relapse involving alcohol and cocaine. Overwhelmed by multiple stressors, including business troubles and family health issues, they sought relief through substances while traveling to Vegas to escape an ice storm in Dallas.
Leo Skepi describes cocaine as a "mistrust drug," acknowledging how it provided a false sense of control and productivity. Following a particularly difficult comedown, he made a firm commitment to never use cocaine again, while recognizing how substances helped him survive during challenging times.
Speaker's Evolving View on Spirituality, Purpose, and Relationship With God/Universe
The speaker shares their struggle with feeling unfavored by God/Universe and questioning their purpose. However, they experience a profound moment when an internal voice reassures them of their purpose. Leo Skepi uses a metaphor comparing himself to a 4K TV, explaining that his periods of questioning and "buffering" are natural due to his depth of character.
Speaker's Isolation, Responsibility, and Difficulty With Unconditional Love
Leo Skepi describes feeling isolated and solely responsible for maintaining his world. His strong sense of personal responsibility and distrust in others, including God, has led to a pattern of constant self-proving and disconnection from divine help. Despite recognizing blessings in his life, Skepi struggles with accepting unconditional love, finding it foreign and frightening due to his history with conditional relationships. He acknowledges the need to welcome unconditional love while admitting to the challenge of letting go of control.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Actionables
- Create a personal "stress and coping" diary to identify triggers and healthier coping mechanisms. Start by jotting down daily stressors and your reactions to them. Over time, you'll notice patterns that reveal your triggers and the effectiveness of various coping strategies. For example, if you find that work deadlines often lead to unhealthy habits, you might explore stress-reduction techniques like meditation or exercise as alternatives.
- Develop a "buffering moments" journal to embrace and reflect on periods of uncertainty. Whenever you feel unsure or question your purpose, write down your thoughts and feelings. This practice can help you recognize these moments as natural pauses for introspection rather than signs of failure. You might discover that these periods lead to clarity and personal growth, much like a TV buffering eventually results in a clear picture.
- Establish a "circle of trust" exercise to gradually build trust in others and the concept of unconditional love. Begin with a small group of close friends or family members whom you trust. Share something personal with them and allow them to support you without expecting anything in return. Over time, incrementally increase the circle by including more people and sharing more profound aspects of yourself. This exercise can help you experience the feeling of being supported unconditionally, which might make the concept of unconditional love less foreign and frightening.
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Speaker's Addiction and Recent Relapse
The Speaker Relapsed Into Drinking and Cocaine After Extended Sobriety, Seeking Relief From Life Stresses
The speaker had achieved 96 days of sobriety before experiencing an intense relapse. In the weeks leading up to this, they faced strong urges to consume alcohol and cocaine. Desperate for relief and overwhelmed by various stressors, the speaker caved to these urges the night before a flight to Vegas, which they took to avoid an oncoming ice storm in Dallas. They articulated a sense of feeling betrayed by a higher power, as stress accumulated from multiple fronts.
Overwhelmed by Business, Health Concerns, and Lack of Support, He Turned To Alcohol and Cocaine
The speaker's relapse was magnified by a spate of personal and professional crises. Business issues, which the speaker described as "not good news," exerted significant pressure, though the details were not elaborated upon. Their father's health complications and their sister's hospitalization also weighed heavily on their decision to seek solace in substances. In search of immediate relief, the speaker chose to drink alcohol and use cocaine, finding temporary solace in their effects, rather than confronting his thoughts at bedtime.
The Speaker Reflects On His Complex Relationship With Substance Use, Acknowledging Its Relief and Damage
Cocaine Labeled a "Mistrust Drug" for False Control and Productivity
Leo Skepi opened up about the allure of cocaine, a "mistrust drug," which gave him a false but tantalizing sense of control and the ability to sustain the weight of his world. Yet, in seeking this substance-induced productivity, he acknowledged the detrimental effects that followed.
Cocaine Comedown Shock Leads to Vow to Quit
The speaker’s recent struggle with substance use culminated in a renewed commitment to stay away from cocaine. This ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Speaker's Addiction and Recent Relapse
Additional Materials
Actionables
- Create a stress and coping diary to track triggers and healthy responses. Note down moments when you feel overwhelmed and record how you choose to deal with these situations. For example, if you feel stressed before a big meeting, write down the feeling, the trigger, and whether you chose a short walk, deep breathing, or called a friend instead of turning to unhealthy habits.
- Establish a personal accountability system with a trusted friend or mentor. Share your goals and struggles with them, and schedule regular check-ins to discuss your progress and setbacks. This could be a weekly coffee meetup or a daily text exchange, where you commit to being honest about your challenges and celebrate your victories together.
- Develop a personal mantra or affirmation ...
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Speaker's Evolving View on Spirituality, Purpose, and Relationship With God/Universe
The speaker shares a deeply personal narrative about their turbulent journey with faith, purpose, and the challenges of accepting unconditional love from the Divine.
Speaker Questioning Purpose, Struggling With Feeling Not "Blessed" or Favored by God/Universe
The speaker admits to having lost sight of their purpose, feeling boxed in by existential queries, and struggling with why they are loved or blessed. This sense of vulnerability leads to anxiety. They talk about buffering periods that disrupt their life, causing them to question the rigidity and stability of their path. The speaker relates these frustrations to a feeling of not being blessed or favored. They felt robbed of trust in themselves, their soul, and God at a time when they needed it the most.
Speaker's Profound Experience: Reassured Of Purpose, Confronted With Overlooked Blessings
However, there comes a turning point where the speaker hears an internal voice reassuring them of their purpose and that they don't need to figure everything out on their own. This epiphany forces them to acknowledge overlooked blessings in their life. Leo Skepi articulates moments of recognition where he sees the alignment of events that are beyond his control and realizes that he is favored by God. A visual metaphor, comparing himself to a 4K TV experiencing more buffering due to his depth, is presented to him by God and his soul. This reassures him that his intense periods of questioning are a normal part of his profound nature.
Fear of Unconditional Love Challenges Beliefs in Conditional Contracts
Skepi then connects his past cocaine use to the struggle of feeling cursed and longing for control, using the drug to mask his ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Speaker's Evolving View on Spirituality, Purpose, and Relationship With God/Universe
Additional Materials
Actionables
- Create a gratitude journal with a twist by including a section for "unseen blessings" where you write about events that didn't go as planned but led to positive outcomes, helping you recognize the hidden guidance in your life. For example, a job rejection that led you to a better opportunity can be seen as an unseen blessing.
- Develop a "buffering" ritual for when life feels unstable, such as a five-minute meditation or a short walk, to remind yourself that pauses can be productive and necessary for growth. During this time, focus on breathing and visualize each breath as a reset button, providing clarity and calmness amidst uncertainty.
- Start a "fear-facing" diary where you confron ...
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Speaker's Isolation, Responsibility, and Difficulty With Unconditional Love
The speaker, Leo Skepi, delves into the burdensome feelings of isolation and overwhelming personal responsibility, paired with his struggle to accept and understand unconditional love.
Speaker Feels Alone, Responsible For Holding Up His "World"
Speaker's Strong Personal Responsibility and Distrust of Others' Help, Including God/Universe, Led To Isolation and Constant Self-Proving
Leo Skepi conveys a sense of profound solitude, feeling like it’s just him against the world, and having to uphold his world on his own. This isolation stems from his strong sense of personal responsibility and distrust in others, including God or the universe, to assist him, leading to a life of constant self-proving and disconnection from divine help. He feels that his successes are earned through personal effort and struggle, feeling entitled to positive outcomes as the very least he deserves given his hardships.
Struggles With Trust Despite Recognizing Love and Blessings
Fear of Unconditional Love Stemming From Recent Realizations
Despite moments of clarity and recognition of blessings in his life, Skepi grapples with the notion of unconditional love, finding the concept foreign and fear-inducing. He admits that his past relationships, which were grounded in conditional love and contractual agreements, have left him questioning his self-worth and leading him to turn "the dagger inward." His discomfort with stability and a desire for freedom conflict with his need for safety and consistently being active. During "buffer" periods, which destabilize him and drain his energy, he describes feeling lost and reverting to substances like cocaine for a false sense of trust and control.
The lack of trust in external support, including God, makes him feel desperate for stability. Despite his awareness that things often resolve natural ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Speaker's Isolation, Responsibility, and Difficulty With Unconditional Love
Additional Materials
Actionables
- Start a "trust journal" to document moments when you rely on others or the universe, noting how it feels and the outcomes. This practice can help you become more aware of the support systems around you and how they contribute to your successes. For example, write down a situation where you delegated a task at work and it was completed successfully, or a time when you trusted a friend's advice and it led to a positive experience.
- Create a "freedom list" where you write down activities that make you feel free and safe, then schedule regular times to engage in these activities. This can help balance your need for freedom with your desire for safety. For instance, if hiking alone makes you feel free, plan a hike once a week, ensuring you inform someone about your plans for safety.
- Develop a "letting go" ri ...
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